The Best Revenge Is A Life Lived Well

"Scott and White is a mighty prestigious outfit. What does your sister do up there?"

"She's a neonatal specialist. She's just finished her residency at John Hopkins and has a son Cindy's age."

"Great! Get that locksmith out here ASAP and do you think your sister would drop everything and come at this time of night?"

I was chagrinned, "Let's just say Cathy wasn't one of her favorite people, she won't drive quite as fast as you did, but she'll be here with bells on--and while she'll never say it aloud, more than one 'I told you so.'"

Kristin's face soften, "It's shit like this that keeps me from getting married. I guess I'm inured after all this time, but I...Look would it offend you if I prayed for you?"

Taken aback, I looked at Kristin as a person for the first time. She was one of the good guys. I gave her a nervous nod, and she continued, "I suspect those two are going to call it a night, but if they contact their lawyer, your wife is going to hot foot it back here so we can't claim desertion. I pulled a pretty big bluff. I told them that you didn't want either of them in the house and told them you said you would call the police if they attempted to enter. I did manage to drag something close to that out of you on the way over, but you really have no grounds to deny access to the marital home unless she leaves it."

When I'm under stress I crack bad jokes, "They way you drive, I would have offered half my kingdom to get you to slow down."

She gave me one of those 'looks' women seem to learn in the womb, ignored my humor and continued, "They're being a combination of smart and stupid, so that's why I'm betting they're operating on their own. I'm pretty sure I know the slimy 'attorney' who advised them and I've never heard a lawyer joke that did him justice. If they were following his instructions, he would have been at the restaurant, along with a photographer. Bottom line is, if she leaves for the night, you might have a case for desertion."

My sister arrived, marveled at my restraint, offered a few choice comments about Cathy she'd been holding for years, before she took the kids home with her. The locksmith showed up and changed the locks and the code for the garage door. Kristin connected to her office computer from mine, printed up some papers and had me sign them. She also had me sign her contract. I shuddered at what I'd already spent this evening. It was only as she was leaving that I remembered to give her the recording of what Cathy had said to me. Have you ever seen a shark smile? It isn't pretty, even if it's your shark.

The divorce was ugly and expensive. Cathy got more than I thought she deserved but I got full physical custody of the kids. She didn't even get visitation privileges although I did agree, informally, to give her full access to them whenever she wanted as long as she gave notice and kept them on my property.

The day we walked out of court, I had everything packed and we were off to Ireland. I rented a small, isolated cottage near a tiny village on the west coast near Doolin. The best place in the world if you're a fan of traditional Irish music. I enrolled the kids in the local school, and established myself in the local pubs. One nice thing about being a writer is that we can work anywhere and write off living in weird places as a tax expense--research on local color, don't you know?

It took Cathy and a ton of her new husband's money almost six months to locate me. When she called, I agreed immediately to have the kids available for her visit but I warned her that we had just finished packing all our stuff and were moving in the morning. The household goods were already gone. I told her she might want to wait until we were settled in our new home. I told her I would notify her as soon we were settled. How long does it take to get to settled? I figured it would be about the same amount of time as it would take her to locate me. I hung up before I remembered to tell here where we were moving.

In the meantime, I'd written a bestseller. No, it didn't get to be #1 but it did make it to the next to last spot on the NY Times bestseller list for one week. It was about an Austin pediatrician who was a secret pedophile. He was a horrible creature and one reviewer said my doctor was one of the all time classic villains. For some reason, Cathy's husband, the pediatrician, lost a significant portion of his practice right after the book became a hit. He was forced to abandon his practice and move to Lubbock where he joined the staff of the medical school.

Three months later, Cathy and even more of her husband's money again located me. We had moved to the wilds of the Scottish Highlands about a hundred miles north of Inverness, not far from John 'O Groat. I apologized for not having contacted her sooner but explained that just when we were almost settled, I found that I had an allergy and we were in the process of moving again. The house was packed and we were leaving that very afternoon. I was going to tour the Algarve to find a suitable place. I promised to contact her as soon as we were settled in. After I hung up, I realized that I hadn't had an allergy problem in Ireland and besides they spoke English there. I thought I might try a small town on the southern coast this time.

One nice thing about being a "best-selling author doing local research on a remote place," is that strangers stand out. Locals, leery of most strangers will accept eccentric writers and will let them know if someone starts asking questions. I'd had almost a full week's warning in Scotland, for example.

My next book also hit the bestseller list (3rd from the bottom and stayed there for two weeks) it was about a nefarious pedophile pediatrics professor from Austin who had secured a job at a medical school in Lubbock. This evil man was also performing unauthorized experiments on his students that left them sterile and impotent.

By a strange coincidence, it seems that Cathy's husband, the pediatrician, decided he didn't want to work in a medical school or on their relationship. He joined the public health service. By another strange coincidence, I had just about decided that my next book might be about a scandal concerning a pedophile ex-medical school professor now working in the public health service. There's an old expression about never picking a fight with a organization that buys ink by the barrel. Or was it that the pen is mightier than the sword?

I did keep in touch with Austin though. This vicious divorce lawyer had started flying in to see us when I was living in Ireland the first time. She followed me to Scotland and then back to Ireland. She was worse than Jimmy Cricket. I listened to endless arguments about keeping the kids from their mother. Except she never phrased it that way. She'd just talk about cases she was working where the mother had ducked out, isolating the kids from a good daddy. I'm not stupid, and I'd get perturbed with her. But Lordy, that woman's kisses made my toes tingle. After a year or so, the sultry way she said 'Hello' on the phone was almost enough to cause a premature ejaculation. Or maybe it was that I'd kept in my pants the whole time. At first I just had no interest in women, but Kristin got under my skin. What sort of character flaw do I have that attracts women who don't believe in pre-marital sex? I'm just glad Kristin used the same definition that Cathy had.

Almost eighteen months after my divorce, I returned to Austin. Kristin had finally put her foot down. I knew she hated Cathy, but she said what I was doing with the kids was immoral...and she wouldn't get engaged to an immoral man. She said, "I make a lot of money from men trying to be a daddy to their kids when the wife and her new love move off to Timbuktu. I think that's evil! It doesn't look any better when a man does it. Your game is cute, and I don't care what you do to that bitch, but she will always be their mother. We can't change that. You are within your legal rights but is it moral?"

She had me and she knew it. It's not any prettier when that shark's smile is accompanied by gloating.

I'd like to think I responded solely to Kristin's moral arguments, but it might have been the comment that her biological clock was giving her fits, and she insisted her kids were going to be born and raised as Texans! I proposed at a castle I'd rented for a weekend visit. We were married at her childhood church near El Paso.

The moving company truck had just backed into the driveway of our new house, on the lake in Austin, when Cathy called on my cell phone. She was desperate and crying. She was begging me to let her see her children. I guess some of my anger had dissipated, or perhaps I was getting mellow in my old age. Then again, it might have been the look I was getting from Kristin. I agreed to let her see the kids and thirty seconds later she knocked on the door.

I wasn't really surprised. It had been a long game of cat and mouse but she knew who to thank that I wasn't playing it any more. When I opened the door, I said, "Here are the ground rules. You will be monitored electronically. First, if you say one bad thing about me, I'll move to Timbuktu and you'll never see them again. Second, if I get the faintest whiff of any action on your part to challenge custody, we're gone. However, if you follow my rules, I'll let you be a part of their lives from this point forward. I'll try to help you repair your relationship with them. You can attend all their games and school activities. Do you agree? Yes or no, that's the last word I ever want to hear from you."

With tears in her eyes she nodded and said, "Yes." Then turned to Kristin and mouthed "Thank you."

I have to confess, I'd felt a pretty rotten about poisoning the kids' feelings for her. I wasn't proud of what they said to her when she joined them in our new back yard. Kids can be so cruel. However she kept her word and after about six months it was about as good for them as a divorce can be. It's always hard, but Cathy has changed too. She had started teaching kindergarten, she's totally devoted to all her kids and she has abided by all my rules, including never saying another word to me. She even seemed content living on her modest salary. The really funny thing is that it's clear to anyone who knows Cathy that she's in love...with me. Cathy is one of those women whose love needs a strong man. It's just too bad she didn't know she'd married one.

Me? For some reason I've continued to mellow, a shark can be very persuasive, especially when they give you that special smile...husbands, you know the one.

Kristin and I are now expecting our second child. I've learned how wonderful a marriage of equal partners can be. Most of all I've learned how a strong woman's love can make a man a better person. Happy is so inadequate a word to describe what we have. Who would have guessed that I'd learn to love a shark's smile?