- Mind Control
- The Big Day
- Page 3
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Dani looked over at Val again. "I still can't believe you stopped and did that," she repeated. The new nipple piercings Val had gotten on an impulse stop on the way to the airport were easy to see for somebody who knew what they were looking for. Dani had looked a lot in the last few hours. There was just something about them that made her feel, well, unsettled.
The blonde changed positions again. "Your tongue wasn't enough? What are you going to do next time?" She realized she was looking at Val's nipples again. What was it with her, today?
Val pulled off her earbuds and sat up. "I dunno, Dani. Maybe I dozed off and hit my head on one of those damn poker machines!" She laughed, and then turned reflective. "I just saw the sign and had to stop. They make me feel sexy!"
The beautiful coed quickly ran her hands down her sides, shivering as she did so, and looked over at her friend. "Maybe I should ask how you're doing?"
Dani realized she had crossed her arms under her breasts, forcing them up, and was idly stroking her nipples. Her hands flew into her lap like startled birds, and she discovered there was a hint of dampness between her legs. "Do you think I'd look better with bigger boobs?" the blonde hesitantly asked.
Val just laughed. "Shit, girl, you know you're gorgeous just the way you are!"
The thought, once uttered, couldn't be dismissed. The trim young woman laughed weakly. The vision of her shirt stretched tight over luscious titflesh large enough to overflow her hands wouldn't leave her mind's eye. The thought was outlandish, unexpected, and a little arousing. Surely $10,000 would buy a boob job...
Absolutely not! She so was not going to get cosmetic surgery before even graduating! She didn't even have a tattoo! Dani gasped and forced her mind onto another track. "You know," she mused, "when we come back for the holidays, we could bring Kristin."
Val raised an expressive eyebrow. "What, your annoying little sister?"
It had been a totally spurious suggestion, but Dani realized it felt right. "Sure! She's mellowed over the last few years, and she starts classes in the fall." With increasing enthusiasm, she continued, "Somebody's got to show her the ropes; why not us?"
Her roommate grunted, displaying a distinct lack of enthusiasm. Dani already knew she'd wear Val down, even if it took the rest of the year to do it. Just the thought of returning without Kris felt vaguely wrong. "It'll be great, I know it!"
She knew it would be better than great. Dani sat up and crossed her legs tightly. She was no more going to sit in the ladies room and jill off than she was going to spend a semester's tuition on implants so she could look like some slut.
Was she?
- COMMENTS
Vedaire69over 3 years agoyou people really need to stop doing this forced stuff dani said she was with robert sheesh her sister doing that then victor forcing it makes me sick of this crap
Anonymousover 12 years agoEven at the end, I still had no idea what had happened to the characters. The only obvious thing (and this is only obvious because of the category of the story) was that some hypnotism/mind control took place.
Who was the culprit? Did the poker machines themselves mind-fuck the girls? Were the machines simply a lure? Did the machines even exist in the first place? There is absolutely no coherency to this tale, and though the sex scenes were good there was also no break between scenes (formatting problem?) so the coherency was even further destroyed.
I understand that you were trying to write from the viewpoint of a confused and mind-controlled character, but the reader isn't going to be much better off in the end unless you include some kind of opposing viewpoint to gain perspective on the whole thing.
Basically, at the end of the story it is unclear: Who the characters were and whether some of them even existed, how the events taking place actually came to pass, and what those events -actually- were. None of these uncertainties are good things in the case of a well-written story.
This tale has potential, but I'd say it needs some serious re-working to be coherent.
VirtualScottover 12 years agoAuthorThanks to bigguy323 for commenting.
I was trying to approach this from the point of view of Dani, who is fundamentally disoriented. The goal was to start with something superficially normal, let the reader gradually realize something is not quite right, and finish with the recognition of what is happening when Dani can't make that leap herself.
I worried about this, apparently with good reason ;-), but didn't want to slap readers in the face with a "Dani and Val go on vacation" to "Dani gets married" transition that would give up too much of the game too soon.
I appreciate the feedback.
Regards,
-VS
bigguy323over 12 years agoDisorienting. I never knew where they were or what was real. You need to establish reality, then you can move from it....
