tagReviews & EssaysThe Big Five

The Big Five


In this little essay I have written, I write about the big rules of the first date. This may not apply to a lot of y'all out there, being a much modern group, and while me, I personally am a bit old-fashioned when it comes to romance. For example, being that this is the 21st century, it now it takes a time of approximately 2.3 seconds to bed your object of desire, while I prefer to wait until the third second.

I suppose I will admit that this article is directed mainly towards men, as I have never dated a woman myself and would not (and would dare not!) to direct her on rules of the first date. I am neither vilifying women or men, or burning either one at the stake, though it is rather common to find men toying with a matchbook when they've ingested too much alcohol. A highly flammable combination, you know.

So, without further ado, here's my article:

1. Don't Be a Pervert - No leering is allowed on the first date unless the female leers first and therefore you have a "license to leer." But without this license? Do not look above her ankles or below her shoulders. Why, what we have right beneath our shoulders is sacred, with which we feed our young. Yes, indeed, Pamela Anderson have given us much to be grateful for. But in all seriousness boys, just because your date has her breasts hanging out doesn't mean you have to look at them. You must be a gentleman! But then, not to look at them would also be a sin. After all, she's gone to these lengths to entice you and all you can do is talk about a paper jam at work?

2. Save Your Money, Girls - I don't care if this is the 21st century or the 16th century, the man must always pay for the meals and all of the activities of the first date (and all of the subsequent dates, if possible.) Yes, most of us gals make our own money, but would we spend it on you? No, I don't think so. We will save our money until a more attractive man comes along and when he comes along we will have all the riches in the world and will therefore be all the more willing to buy him all the completes of a meal, including those little mints you get at the end of a meal.

3. Don't Expect a Miracle - After all, in most cases, this is someone you don't know well or hardly at all. This is not the meeting of Johnson & Johnson (which makes you wonder why you bought that baby oil...) I think all of us dream of that perfect first date; it has attraction, humor, things in common. Generally someone you get along with and would like to see again. Unfortunately, you will probably end up asking yourself "I put on underwear for this?" Most likely you will not like each other very well, as the female will keep primping in her pocket mirror (and while she is flawless, there is that potato skin in her teeth) and the male will keep talking of that sport where bulky men throw that funny-looking ball and tackle each other, and, while trying to demonstrate it, he will almost be hit by a car.

4. Be a Gentleman - In addition to paying for our food and endlessly complimenting us, we need more attention. We need you to open our doors, pull out our chairs, and, if possible, help us into the buggy when we decide to go home. Always compliment our appearance in a polite, non-perverted way, if at all possible. But don't compliment us too much on our appearance; after all, we don't want a vain man.

5. "Just Say No" - While I am not a big fan of the Reagans, dear old Nancy was right. To my fellow girls out there: Babes, if you're not feeling it, don't do it. After all, sex is sort of a funny thing. Interesting, but funny - like your Uncle Myer. Who would've thought you put one part of someone's body into another part of someone else's body and it would cause pleasure? And boys, as I said before, don't expect a miracle. She's quite the lady, this one, and while you are quite attractive, funny, and handsome, well, as all of us girls have said at some point, "maybe some other time."

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