- BDSM
- The Boss Ch. 02
- Page 2
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Click here"You are sneaky little bitch too, trying to top me," James said.
It made him mad and he got up, " you don't run things Amanda," "I'm a very disciplined man," "so your bribes don't work with me."
"Please I'm begging you to help me;" "I'll do anything that you want she said."
He coldly turned and eyed her, "communication is very important, in the relationship of a Dom, and his sub Amanda," "tell me what you want."
"I want you in me, she pouted."
He smugly eyed her, "not descriptive enough Amanda."
"You Bastard she screamed, I hate you."
He pushed down on his erection and just decided to take his pants off and sit on her.
He sadistically eyed her and leaned down whispering in her ear, "Tell me that you want my cock, in your hot, wet juicy, cunt Amanda," "and I will rock your world girl."
She shook her head violently back and forth not wanting to say it.
He stroked himself as he eyed her, "what's the matter Amanda," "are you scared to talk dirty?"
"You narcissistic Bastard," she screamed out!
"See you can talk dirty, you cuss like a sailor," "say it or you are going to be, one frustrated little girl."
She leered at him, "I can get myself off."
He leered right back, "I'll leave your bratty ass tied up."
She screamed out, "I want your cock in my hot, wet, juicy, cunt!"
She just kept screaming it, "I want your cock in my hot, wet juicy cunt!"
He slammed into her, and as she jolted off the bed, "he loudly hissed mine!"
She convulsed uncontrollably beneath him, as he held her down with his weight, and exploded inside of her.
He gently released her, and held her protectively in his arms.......
- COMMENTS
canndover 12 years agoOff the bat, before I finish it, a major problem is your grammar, especially with quotes. First, I would put thoughts in between single quote so that it is clearer. 'I hate him,' she thought. That way it is clear.
When they are speaking you are not doing quotes correctly. "You should dress up," he said. You are putting the 'he said' or 'she yelled' inside the quotes. So you put the statement in quotes "Be there at 10 o'clock," he directed. you put a comma after the words the person speaks unless it ends in a ? or ! which you will put in and then a close quote (") and then put the 'he said' with a period after it. An editor will help you with this.
I'll read the rest now :)
mel_pomeneover 12 years ago... but the poor presentation of it and the numerous errors in grammar make it almost unintelligible.
I don't want to spend my time doing the job the author should have done before submitting their work.
If you really can't manage things like punctuation and the like, there are Volunteer Editors who would help you present your work in the most favourable way; as it stands, a good idea has been rendered unreadable.
You owe it to yourself, and even more, to your readers, to make this a good deal better. Three stars only, because I would like to think you might learn from the advice you are being given. No-one can expect work of the quality of Umberto Eco or Margaret Attwood on a site such as this, but you should try to bring us the very best you can manage; this just doesn't 'cut it'.
verbicideover 12 years agoI'll both agree and disagree with the previous comment. Please edit and proofread if you're going to continue this. There are an excessive number of grammatical errors, which even for people inclined to be aroused by this type of story, are likely to diminish the enjoyment. Also, remember to limit your use of quotation marks to actual dialogue, or thought exposition. It's turns the story into BDSM/Non-consent satire when a character actually says; "You'll do as I say! He snarled diabolically." Though it is amusing to have a character announce he is snarling diabolically, it does make the tale more difficult to read without laughing.
Second, despite being a business trip, most (if not all) reputable hotels would not give a spare room key to someone else, so James magical appearances in Amanda's room are little ridiculous. AND speaking of ridiculous, exactly at what point did James have an opportunity to film anything he did with Amanda? Does he have an invisible webcam floating around behind him? Fantasies don't have to cleave to reality one hundred percent, thus the dearth of rape charges filed in these tales, but if a fantasy is set in the real world, it should have some internal logic.
Cleaned up a little, this would probably make for an entertaining tale for those who like rape fantasies. I implore you to contact one or more of the editors who make their talents available to writers on this site.
Anonymousover 12 years ago... that, as the writer, you would know when it is a character speaking and when it is just descriptive text!
Why, on many occasions, have you included 'speech' and descriptive text, within a set of "Speech Marks"?
Anonymousover 12 years agoThis is such a hot, delicious story! However, it is actually distracting to have to read around all of the mistakes. Please, PLEASE, have someone edit and proof read your work!
