I loved him. I knew that I did. There was no way to really doubt it. I was just bored. Yes, bored. I had been with him for nearly four years after all. We had been together longer than many married couples are nowadays and I wanted to stay with him; perhaps for the rest of my life for all I knew. We met at the beginning of my college career, he had graduated by this point and I was finishing up a year later than I had planned to. We stayed in the area for each other, we had moved in together, we still had great sex and we still cared deeply for one another. There was just one problem – I was bored and then there was this other guy.
I had always promised myself I would never cheat on him – no way. I had been in probably five prior relationships and I kid you not, every single one ended with the guy cheating on me. I knew how much it hurt; I will never forget the horrible pain that I carried in my heart and soul for weeks and months after the break-ups. No, I would not cheat on him. For one reason or another though, I did. I was pulled in; the nasty grip of passion took a hold of me. I felt as if I could never forgive myself.
Maybe it is all better told from the beginning...
His name was Hansen, I met him my senior year of college in a class. I did not know his name at the time. It was not until that summer, while we were on a study abroad trip in Peru that I would actually get to know him on a name to name basis. It was a short study abroad trip and I knew during the trip that I had some fleeting feelings for him. He was kind of cute in the way that I liked guys – a bit bearish if you will – he reminded me of my boyfriend mixed with my best friend's boyfriend. Odd combination, but true. We did not see each other from July until September. September, school started up again, and we saw each other on a day to day basis.
We hung out together, we talked quite often and we often flirted with one another mercilessly and shamelessly. I had an enormous crush on him, needlessly I assumed that he had the same feelings for me, but I still loved my boyfriend – Jonah. I knew that I wanted no relationship with Hansen, although being extremely attractive in my eyes, the things that he did and his reluctance for any sort of change completely turned me off. I knew that he would not be able to treat me the way that I wanted a man to treat me, but I often fantasized about the sort of sexual contact that we would have. The two of us had amazing chemistry socially. During our flirting sessions we made extremely lewd jokes and he talked about things that I had only ever dreamed of Jonah doing with me. However, for all I knew, it was just talk and he was complete and utter shit in the sack.
It was the beginning of October. Jonah was busy with work and became rather irritable and stopped talking with me on the friendly basis that he used to. I started becoming desperate and although I promised myself that I would not cheat, I could not shake the nightly dreams and fantasies that would dart in and out of my mind involving Hansen and me.
Friday finally came after a very long week, Hansen and I were sitting in one of the quieter student study areas on the campus with a couple other friends. We were all talking amiably and teasing with one another until Hansen decided that he needed to take a cigarette break outside on one of the terraces. Normally, I am a complete stickler for smoking, I loathe it, one of the many reasons why I could not bring myself to the idea of actually being with Hansen, he was a guy who smoked a pack a day and was not about to give up anytime soon. Instead, on this Friday, I followed him out to the terrace and stood with him as the cold fall wind whipped past our faces.
I stood downwind of his smoking and we joked with one another. My heart was racing a million miles a minute, I knew what was going to come, I could not hold it in any longer – even though I really wanted to.
"So Hansen..." I said with a smile on my face, "I've been thinking lately, that if I were to have a friend with benefits it would totally be you." He looked at me square in the eyes and blew smoke out from between his lips.
"Really?" he asked, his eyes narrowed slightly. I bit my lip nervously and nodded. "Well, don't get me wrong Autumn, I think that you're really cute, but you have a boyfriend." I nodded.
"I know, I know," I said, "which is why I could obviously never act on it. I just...I guess I wanted to tell you."
"I'm flattered," he said taking another drag from his cigarette. I nodded and we stood in awkward silence for the rest of his cigarette. We then turned back around and went back inside to re-join our friends – my heart was still racing.
It was not for another month that the subject of the "friends with benefits" was brought up again. It was probably mid-November and we had just gotten out of our two-hour-long night class. Usually after this class, a bunch of us would go out to eat or drink or something that would provide us with some activities to unwind. This particular evening it was him, me and three other people from the class. For whatever reason, we decided that it would be best to go to his apartment and smoke some weed (weed: another reason I could not picture myself being with him for a long time).
I sat next to him on his dilapidated couch, I opted not to actually smoke – I knew that the smoke in the air would get me plenty high. We sat around in a circle, pulled out the drugs and started to unwind from the night. Within no time, I was happy. I had a goofy grin on my face and we were all giggling and saying stupid things to one another.
Slowly, one by one, our friends began to leave Hansen's apartment until it was just him and me, sitting side by side, watching Comedy Central and slightly stoned. I turned to him and immediately felt the electricity sparking between the two of us. I smiled and started to slowly move closer to his warm body. He looked over at me, stoned look on his face and sighed.
"You're so cute," he said. He was impossible for me to resist. I slowly put my hand on his thigh, he only continued to look at me, he made no move to push me away or tell me 'no'. I slowly leaned in towards his face and he leaned towards mine. He smelled like the weed that we had just smoked and there was a lingering scent of chocolate. I fell into him and our lips met fiercely. I breathed in sharply and held my breath. My eyes closed dreamily and I felt as if I was sinking deep down into his couch. His hand cupped my chin and he deepened the kiss, our tongues briefly met before I quickly pulled away, my eyes wide in shock, guilt immediately rushing through my entire body. I covered my mouth in shock and stared into Hansen's dreamy blue eyes, slightly bloodshot from the pot.
"Oh my god..." I gasped, staring at Hansen.
"Wow," he said with a silly smile.
"I think that I need to go home," I said quietly, standing up. Hansen made no move to stop me as I grabbed my purse, keys and walked out his door.
Things were awkward for a while again between the two of us. I did not tell Jonah about the incident between the two of us. I knew that he would be extremely upset about it, and I did not think that it had really been that big of a deal. After all, we were high and it had been a hard night.
It was not for another couple of months that we were comfortable flirting with one another again, but of course, we were back where we started in January. It was a Friday night; I had invited a bunch of my friends over to my apartment because Jonah was out of town for the weekend for his job. We were sitting around in my living room drinking beer and mixed drinks and I was definitely intoxicated. Again, Hansen was sitting next to me. I was starting to feel sleepy, and one by one, my friends began to take their leaves as the hours passed.
My eyes closed sleepily and I leaned against Hansen's shoulder.
"How are you feeling?" I asked him.
"Drunk," he replied rubbing his thigh.
"Yeah," I said sleepily, "me too." I sighed and opened my eyes as a commercial for "Girls Gone Wild" came on the TV. "Do you want to stay here for the night?"
"Nah, I can probably drive home," Hansen said, slowly moving his hand to my thigh. I barely noticed and I certainly did not care. My libido was skyrocketing.
"No, stay here," I insisted, "I'll pull out the futon and you can sleep here for the night."
"Or I can sleep in there with you," he said nodding towards the bedroom. My heart jumped, I jumped awake. I looked him square in the eye, he was earnest.
My heart started racing wildly and Hansen leaned in towards me and I leaned back away from him. He was relentless and I could only hold out for a few seconds longer before I fiercely kissed him – just like he wanted me to. I bit his bottom lip and he bit my top lip. He tasted like beer and for whatever reason, I could not resist him. I deepened the kiss; he seemed slightly surprised by my ferocity. I thrust my tongue into his mouth and he began to run his fingers through my hair. My eyes rolled back in my head and my head fell back slightly, a moan came from deep in my throat and Hansen's other hand began to travel up my stomach and to my chest. I gasped as he touched my breast and backed away quickly.
"Oh shit, I've done it again," I said quietly wiping away saliva on my lips.
"I'm sorry Autumn," he said. "Maybe...maybe I should go." I nodded.
"That would probably be best," I said.
Things did not become awkward between the two of us. When the two of us returned to school that Monday and saw each other again, the sexual tension between the two of us could be seen by everyone. Monday evening, a bunch of us were sitting in a small study room in the science building. Hansen and I kept looking up at each other, exchanging small smiles and longing looks.
It was eight o'clock in the evening, there were five of us still in the study room and I was no longer doing any of my homework. I looked up at Hansen, I knew that he worked in the building and had keys to most of the labs and locked rooms in the basement.
"Hey, Hansen," I said looking up at him across the room. He looked up at me with a smile on his face.
"I need to get into the downstairs biology lab for something, can you help me out?" I asked. He nodded. I stood up, he stood up. The two of us left the room together, our friends suspected nothing. Hansen opened up the door to the basement for me and then followed behind me down the stairs.
"What do you need?" he asked as we reached the bottom of the stairs. "Which lab do you need to get into?" We began to walk down the dimly lit hall and I grabbed his hand.
"I don't care," I replied. He looked at me and I smiled at him and squeezed his hand.
"What do you need?" he asked again.
"You," I replied. It was so cheesy and I knew it as soon as the word escaped my mouth, but it was true. Jonah and I had not had sex in several weeks and I was horny as all hell. I took Hansen's hand behind my back, he pulled me in close to him and shoved me up against the wall behind me.
"What are we going to do?" he asked.
"Anything you want to," I replied quietly looking up at him, batting my eyelashes. Hansen kissed me hard, pushing me against the wall with his full body weight. I bit his lips and wrapped my arms around him tightly pulling him as tightly into me as I could manage. I moaned and he thrust his pelvis against mine, I could immediately feel the erection in his pants and I felt a rush of excitement run through my body that I had not felt since the first time that I had been with Jonah.
"Fuck me," I whispered between kisses. I grabbed his keychain and fumbled for the large master key. Once I had found it, I slipped it into the door directly behind me, turned the knob and the two of us fell into the botany lab. Hansen kicked the door shut with a loud, dull bang behind us and pushed me over to the nearest table. The small of my back hit the tall table with a sharp pang. I bent backwards slightly, and Hansen followed my body with the weight of his.
Hansen buried his face in my neck and I gasped – my neck was one of the most erogenous spots on my entire body. His hands began to travel up my back and around to the front of my body, he groped my chest violently. I moaned and squirmed upwards, finding myself in a seated position on the tall lab table. Hansen tweaked my nipples through my shirt; this only made me squirm and moan further. I could feel Hansen's erection straining in his pants and even though the one thing that I wanted to do was undo his pants and slip him inside of me all that I could do was continue to violently pull and rub my hands through the hair on the back of his head.
"I...I need you," I breathed heavily as Hansen groped at my chest. Hansen took this strong cue and his hands went straight for the waist of my pants. He undid the buttons on my pants quickly and yanked them down to my ankles while dropping down on his knees. I looked down at him on his knees, he stared up at me with dangerous lust in his eyes. His hands traveled up my legs, thighs and to my hips where my dainty pair of panties sat; his fingers looped around the sides and he yanked them down to my knees. He smiled and rose a bit so he was eye-level with my pussy. His face inched closer and closer until he dove in, his tongue immediately finding my clit. He licked and flicked away, sending me into a fury of frustration. I leaned back on my elbows and closed my eyes. I couldn't control my breath, it felt so bizarre, so foreign, so forbidden, so good. Two of his fingers sought out my vagina – they plunged in. I gasped and my right elbow gave out from underneath me, sending my face first onto my right side. Hansen was relentless and he did not stop for anything.
I pushed him away with my foot. He stood up to his feet and I could see the raging erection protruding from the front of his pants. Hansen quickly pulled off his shirt and unbuttoned his pants then yanked them down to his knees. I looked up at him with fear and lust in my eyes. I knew that I would not be able to back out of anything, not that I wanted to anyway. I knew that I wanted him to fuck me like I had never been fucked before. However, what would happen to the four year relationship that I held with Jonah? Would I even tell Jonah? What would happen between Hansen and me? Would we remain friends? Would we do this again? A million questions raced through my mind as Hansen's deep blue eyes pierced into me.
Hansen shoved my shirt upwards, exposing my barely covered nipples and breasts. He spread my legs apart forcefully, making sure that there would be plenty of space between for his body. He plunged two fingers deep into me briefly, swirled his fingers around inside violently, withdrew them and then shoved himself – all of himself – into me. I cried out a bit in surprise, shock and a little bit of guilt. My back arched up into Hansen's body and I looked up at him, tears brimming in my eyes. He closed his eyes and kissed me fiercely. I kissed him back earnestly, wrapped my legs and arms around his back and pulled him close to me, trying to get him to go deeper inside of me. I moaned and he moaned. His body bucked against mine, he continuously shoved my entire body against the lab table. It did not exactly feel pleasant, and I could feel the small of my back becoming bruised with each thrust, but it felt so much better than the sweet and lovey sex that Jonah and I had participated in for so many years.
Hansen's thrusting was relentless. With Jonah, sex would have been over by this point, Hansen showed no sign of being finished. His dick was hard and thick, having sex with him felt like having sex in a porn film. Hansen picked me up by my ass and stood, holding me up, he thrust into me again and again. I closed my eyes tightly. I knew that I was going to come. I did not really want to come, but I knew that it was inevitable. I wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my face in his hair. My breath was violent and I was silently screaming in pleasure. I bit the back of his shoulder and squeezed my pussy around his dick. He thrust himself violently into me and I screamed out, loudly, in orgasm. My eyes closed tightly and my breath came out in loud shuddering sighs.
Hansen's thrusts became slower as my orgasm subsided. I clutched onto his shoulders and then felt myself being lowered to the ground. Before I could even register what was happening, I was pushed down to the cement ground on my knees. Hansen stuffed his thick, long dick into my mouth. I choked slightly and sputtered. I was not used to giving blow jobs, I rarely did it for Jonah, and as Hansen stuffed himself in my mouth, I knew that he was planning on finishing himself off in there. I tried to push him away, to push myself away. I did not want him to do this. I knew that it would most likely linger around on my body. I did not want Jonah getting suspicious when I got home later. It was no use. Hansen was much larger than I was and he was hell-bent on finishing himself off in my mouth.
I choked as his dick hit the back of my throat. He did not stop. He thrust himself in and out of my mouth and grabbed a large fistful of my hair and shoved my head on and off of his giant member as tears streamed down my face. I looked up at him with teary eyes and saw him simply looking up at the flowering plant hanging from a hook on the ceiling. He was breathing heavily and his dick was twitching against the roof of my mouth and tongue. I licked the head and he gasped. I did it again, he moaned. I did it a third time and I felt a bit of salty warm fluid hit the back of my throat. I choked again and Hansen pulled my hair back violently while pressing my head as hard as he could onto his cock. I choked once more as I felt his dick slide down into my throat and then felt a warm stinging sensation in my throat. He withdrew immediately and I fell forward to the floor on my hands and knees. I sputtered and coughed. Semen traveled through my nasal cavities, stinging my nose and making my eyes water even more. I coughed and spit up semen on the floor. Hansen tucked his dick back into his pants and kneeled down onto the floor next to me.
"You okay Autumn?" he asked. I looked over at him, a string of cum dripping from my lips. He smiled and kissed me gingerly on the lips. "You okay?"
"Yeah, I guess," I replied quietly.
"Did I hurt you?" he asked.
"No, not really," I replied.
He helped me up and handed me my clothing one article at a time. I put each on and the two of us left the botany lab, leaving a little mess on the floor.
What happened after this fateful Monday evening? Not much. I went home that night and Jonah suspected nothing out of the ordinary. It was for the best. Hansen and I slept together once more in the next month or two. It was just as amazing as the first time that we had done the dirty deed. I felt guilty for a long time but never told Jonah. It was unnecessary for me to upset him – he was already stressed out enough of the time. I stayed with him though. I liked the simple life that we had even if it did mean having infrequent, non-violent sex. After all, I loved him. I knew that I loved him. I had just been bored. Yes, bored.