tagHumor & SatireThe Chicken Nugget Conspiracy

The Chicken Nugget Conspiracy


(c) GratefulFred

Part 1

Working for the FDA wasn't the ideal job I set out to do, but it was a job like any job - it paid the bills. I was assigned to the poultry division and further categorized in the fried foods department. Seemed kind of boring considering that, off the record, we really couldn't go accuse any of those big chains of any wrongdoing and usually frying killed off everything including nutrients.

I still remember the day I got the call. There seemed to be a disproportioned number of people complaining out in Topeka Kansas at a new fast food chicken shop, so I was dispatched. I started interviewing the people who apparently had come down with something. People of all ages and sizes all had the same recurring story, which always seemed the same...

A few hours after ordering chicken nuggets, they started hearing some voice inside their heads telling them to take their life's savings and bring it to the same warehouse on the edge of town. The voice was that of someone who identified himself as "The Chicken Nugget King" and his orders were hypnotic in nature. The money totally vanished.

The fast food chicken spot had closed down and the owner had gone missing. With search warrant in hand, I found not a shred of evidence that chicken nuggets were even served. More so, the place was fingerprint free, which I found to be incredibly unlikely.

The owner was found in a nearby field brutally cut up in pieces with of course no fingerprint evidence. I had run into a dead end, and with such a fantastic story, I was sure I'd get myself demoted.

Arriving back in the office, the boss called me in. He didn't ask for any of the details from the investigation, but did manage to tell me that from this point on the case was closed. No explanations - just closed.

As I walked home that evening, I felt watchful eyes watching my every move...

Part 2

The suspense was simply killing me as I walked over to the shadow that was following me. He told me to stop where I was as he spoke from the darken Alleyway. A patch of cigarette smoke emerged from his darkened form.

"I know you have a lot of questions about what happened in Topeka, but I must warn you, if you delve too much into these matters, your life will be forfeited quite expediently" spoke the smoking man.

"A shop owner has been murdered, people have been robbed by some cockamamie chicken nugget king, and I'm supposed to be quiet?" I responded.

The smoking man stood there in silence as I walked away back to my apartment. Arriving at my residence, I hesitated before putting in the key to the building door. Looking back I saw two people in a car across the street. Some smoke came from the back seat.

A loud explosion threw me off my feet. The next thing I knew I was being pulled from a wreck and voices were coming in and out. My building had been blown up and some twelve people had been killed I later learned.

I spoke not a word as I lie there in the hospital bed recuperating from some minor injuries I sustained. I knew I was onto something - something big. Something that wanted me to be silent and was willing to kill me or anyone around to keep this matter closed.

But as I lie there in bed, I knew the truth was out there. And the truth was worth finding out.

Part 3

I had a friend from college that I knew I could trust. Her name was Chase, and though our paths kept us apart, we always shared a mutual bond of friendship. From a payphone I called her and explained what was up. She arranged for me to be picked up by a special cab, using a special password, and after being shuffled from one car to another I finally made it safely to her pad.

Chase was well connected and had some small amount of knowledge of what went on in Topeka from the newspapers, which only reported that people had gotten themselves swindled by some stockbroker types. That night we attempted to hack into a classified government computer to get some more answers. I had a theory on how I could access some additional information. When prompted for the password we typed in "Chicken Nuggets" which fit perfectly, and soon our mind exploded with much intensive information.

Project "Chicken Nuggets" was a Chinese plot to steal the world’s supply of gold. Chicken -> Yellow -> Chinese Nuggets -> Gold. Furthermore it was the US Republican party that was in cahoots with the Chinese to steal this gold, if the Chinese would help them get reelected. The chicken processing plants that made the tasty nuggets for most, apparently all, the fast food restaurants had some drugs in them that opened people up to powerful hypnotic suggestions. Developed by the Chinese this could help the Republicans keep in power. The test case was in Topeka. Soon it would be used around the US and thereafter the world.

A notice that our computer's address had been spotted caused us to shut the computer off. Chase's security software system saved us that night as two fighter planes buzzed over the rooftops.

Huddled together we had realized that what we had stumbled across something that was bigger then life. We knew that we couldn't publish this information or even stop the distribution of chicken nuggets. Our only chance was to find the one being that could change the tides our way. To find that one mysterious being whom voice could save the United States and the world from utter destruction. Our quest before was to find - the one - the only - Chicken Nugget King!

Part 4

The phone rang once and stopped. We stared at it unwilling to pick it up. We closed the blinds and shut the lights. The phone rang again one time and stopped. Chase and I huddled together in fear that we had been found out. Holding her close brought back some good old memories. Feeling her next to me was something special - I forgot how special it was. We kissed in that moment of fear and found comfort in each other’s embrace. We made love right their on the office floor. It was something for the ages. Later I noticed that the cell phone in my pants pocket had accidentally called out. I didn't think it was a good time to tell Chase about that one...

Part 5

With access to the FDA computers I found out that the largest producer of chicken nuggets last year wasn't even figured in this year's calculations. That got me suspicious as I reasoned that someone was beginning to erase evidence, but not fast enough apparently. The other top ten companies had gone out of business even though they still were producing in the millions of tons. I told Chase that one company supplied the US and possibly the world. A facility that wasn't even inspected. The ramifications were clear.

We gathered our belongings and took off on that long drive at about 1pm. Chase had told me that no matter how things turned out, somehow, someway, we'd have to make the truth known. We took that oath together on that desolate stretch of highway.

2:30pm an army roadblock stopped us. They looked inside our car and explained that a fugitive had broken out from jail and they just wanted to be on the safe side. We wished them good luck as we went along our way. As I looked out the window I noticed that one of the largest chicken processing plants I had ever seen was over to my left even though the map we had showed that the plant we were looking for was some 50 miles away, I knew that this was our place.

We checked into a nearby hotel at about 3:15am. The owner said a lot of strange things had been going on at night. I tried to act conversational but not overly eager. He told me that there have been UFO sightings almost daily out by the old government nuclear plant. “But the thing is - it's supposed to be closed down” he told me. I thanked him for his time as he gave us our keys.

We spoke little that night as we got in bed. I detected a smell of some gas (not my own) as did Chase, but it was too late as we realized we'd been drugged.

Part 6

Chase and I awoke in a nightmare. We were totally nude, back-to-back, butt-to-butt, head to head, meaning no penetration was possible unless of course you want to consider butt plugs, which weren't handy at the time. More so, our hands were strapped to the sides and a rope attached to the ceiling held us up in the air. We swayed back in forth over a floor, which was made up of a giant bubbling grease fryer of all things. In short, it wasn't the most romantic of settings.

The room was shaped like a narrow rectangle - 10ft. wide and 20ft long with a door in the middle. Our feet dangled a mere foot over an oily death as we tried to avoid the boiling blasts usually as a result of our sweat our pee that fell in from time to time.

The door opened as we were face to face with the smoking man. He informed us that we had about 1 hour’s supply of air and if we should manage to get off the bounds we'd plummet to our doom in the fryer. He told me that tonight the largest shipment of chicken nuggets would be hitting the shelves and there was little anyone could do to stop it. He then told the guard to pick up our bodies in an hour before closing the door.

In desperation my mind began to work. Drawing upon my comic book reading, I knew we had but one chance to escape this trap. I whispered my plan to Chase and she told me she'd try. By rubbing my hands up and down Chases thigh I was able to get her aroused and in no time her nipples began to harden. I started swaying back and forth as Chase shut out the current situation and became fixated on her hot breasts. Kicking off against the wall with all my might I slammed Chase into the opposite wall. My plan worked as her hardened nipples had penetrated the 2-inch steel reinforced walling letting oxygen in. Time past by as the doorknob slowly opened. Playing dead the guard was pulling our so-called bodies over. I caught him in a scissor hold with my legs as he held onto dear life. He also almost had my cock in his mouth so I too held on lest I be seen as gay. I decided not to chance it and dropped him in the oil fryer, as we were able to latch onto the now open door, free ourselves from the bondage and make our way down the corridor.

Slipping on some doctors grubs, and shades we were able to act like one of the plant workers. A giant assembly hall was packed with Chinese, republicans and even some democrats. The giant illuminati eye in a pyramid was against the back wall. The roof had symbols upon it from some Alien civilization. The smoking man was also around talking to the owner of the Cincinnati Bengal’s, which confirmed a theory I had. The men stopped and made a toast to the new world order.

We made time down the corridor wondering what to do. Hearing cries from a nearby dungeon cell we looked in and saw the most amazing creature.

We were face to face with an Alien life form that could be none other then - dare I say it - The Chicken Nugget King.

Part 7

We found ourselves drawn into the prison cell of this 5 foot tall Alien who looked down with it's black darkened eyes perturbing from the center of his chicken nugget shaped body. No nose but a small cruel mouth covered the surface area while small hands and feet made up the rest of the being. Closing the door behind us we gazed upon the control panel which had a microphone connected to a vast communications mechanism. Chase spoke first...

"We know that you are going to broadcast soon and we want you not to do it", Chase pleaded still unsure how the Alien would react.

"I'll do it on one hand", spoke the Alien, "and that is if you will make love to me".

Chase and I looked at each other in disbelief and then back at the Alien who was beginning to shape change into none other then - Brendan Fraser.

Chase bit her lip studying the specimen of manhood, and looked at me, as I knew what was on her mind.

"It's the only way" Chase said is she stripped off her clothing and let the Alien...oops I mean Brendan Fraser do her doggie style as I watched. Chase was getting hit with multiple orgasms as I watched and kept silent as the Alien's features started to change back (a secret to this day I never told Chase about), as it exploded a ton of hot gooey Alien cum deep inside of Chase.

Chase was still reeling as we heard noises coming from the outside.

"You promised", I told the Chicken Nugget King, as I carried the reeling Chase to the exit.

"I give you my word that both you and Chase will never be harmed", the Chicken Nugget King Alien said as he made some white smoke pass over us.

Ducking out of sight I watched as the smoking man with a number of soldiers came to visit the Alien. A giant fistfight broke out and the Alien was shot down and killed.

We got away that night though it seemed that we'd be caught. Chase and I decided that our story was too fantastic for anyone to believe. With the Chicken Nugget King Alien dead, the plot kind of unraveled and I read in the papers about a mammoth chicken nuggets recall. Things were basically back on track.

Chase and I grew pretty close over the adventure and decided to get married in a small ceremony. We decided to move out in the country and start a family. About a month after we arrived in our new home, Chase got very ill. She told me she was having a baby and the thought put a chill through my body. Chase delivered 10 1 lb. chicken nuggets that stormy night. Within 1 month we had 10 full sized specimens who took on the figure of Brendan Fraser. They wished us well and left the home.

This is the timeline of what happened next people...

Jan 2005 10 BFs + 10 girls = 100 BFs.
March 2005 100 BFs + 100 girls = 1000 BFs
May 2005 1000 BFs + 1000 girls = 10000 BFs
July 2005 10000 BFs + 10000 girls = 100000 BFs
Sept 2005 100000 BFs + 100000 girls = 1000000 BFs

Basically by year end the Aliens out numbered the people on the planet and then decided to eat all the people. Just before the end of mankind, I remember seeing the smoking man with a couple of soldiers moving up our driveway. Just as they neared the door two giant chicken nuggets dropped off our roof and tore them to shreds and gobbled them up. In some perverted way they smiled at us.

Chase and I were in shock and didn't know what to do. Somehow we were alive whereupon no other human being was left on the planet. In time the giant chicken nuggets put bars around our house and put up a sign that translated from the Alien tongue said "Humans". We smiled at the baby chicken nuggets as they walked by and sometimes if we were in the mood we'd have sex for the older ones, which cracked them up.

Since we were usually stoned most of the time, and they gave us most anything we needed, I'd say Chase and I were just having a wild ass time and in time had no regrets about ending mankind’s rein on this planet.

The End

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