The Christmas Carole Affair

"Hey, don't mind me... I'm off the clock, now. I was just paid to find Carole Christmas, and I've found her. Now let me sod off nice and quietly like, peacefully." It didn't work... and I got prodded right over to Herself and a ringside seat to the next swing of her druidical blade.

"As it was of old once, shall it be then again new! Evergreens and blood... and everlasting life, the seasons shall remain renewed!" She whispered in a terrible soft but clear voice. There was no doubt about it at all now... Carole Christmas had spent one dark teatime of the soul too many at Fred and California Sunshine's house and had gone both New Age and Aulde Age at the same insane time. My client might have had deliciously crazy eyes, but Carole's had gone irrationally far past the zone of being merely insane. She was hot though... a pip of a virtually naked holiday honey with big perfect bare naked tits and just a tiny bundle of mistletoe wrapped around her crotch.

Unfortunately, being covering with bright crimson blood from head to naked bare foot was a bit of a turn-off for me.

"Carols, draped mistletoe, giving gifts, poinsettias and trees, wreaths... these were all mine once, of pagan ritual when they worshipped me at the winter solstice in my groves and made sacrifice. Taken from me, adapted... stolen, but once again mine! The King in Red shall fall to my knife in sacrifice once more and the coming of spring shall be ensured!"

Yep... she was a nutcase all right. Can the cultural spiritual embodiment of Christmas have a complete nervous breakdown? That was my bet. Logic might be of some use here... at least she could talk in complete sentences that didn't include 'far out man' and didn't use 'like' constantly as a verb.

"Quite right. Stolen, all of it. Except for Santa, supposedly a conceptual embodiment of a Christian saint, but all of that was mostly stolen from ancient proto-Indo-Iranian Zoroastrianism and the Roman worship of Mithras. He was born on December 25th too, and also of a virgin birth! How original, and the whole Roman Saturnalia holiday party season too! Rudolph is an anomaly, of course, so chalk him up to seasonal marketing. The jingle into the cash registers must flow! Now the fucked up idea of hanging up old socks and sticking candy in them... who the hell knows where that came from!"

"No more naughty... no more nice! Participation trophy's for everyone!" One of the reindeer cried out. Probably Blitzen... he'd been off his head for years since he discovered cocaine.

"We'll watch over them all, the children of the entire world... damned fucking little terrorists!" The snowman formerly known as Frosty muttered, waving about his coal shovel menacingly. "Destroyers of the earth, all of them! Warming the planet one little happy fart at a time!" Was he talking about the children... or the reindeer?

"We'll show them!" one of the elves said, "We'll have various new surveillance methods, cameras everywhere, and a network of informants eager to rat out every eco-unfriendly thing they do!" he said with a bright-eyed smile of the true zealot. "Litter on the ground or buy a computer game or toy that uses plastic or rare-earth metals and onto our new naughty list they'll go!" I had to give him credit for the evil hand-wringing and 'Mwuahahaha!' laugh.

"So, from now on at North Pole Inc, giving someone a lump of coal is really an euphemism for hitting them with a Hellfire missile launched from a Predator drone?" I enquired.

"Fucking A!" The entire gaggle of treasonous elves cheered.

"You... Scrooge!" Carole muttered, her unblinking crazy eyes now staring at me. "You're one of the worst, a tired Dickensian nightmare... a generic rich black-hat whose moral conversion and rebirth we misunderstand and pigeonhole as something less meaningful to us than it is. You're just a sad shadow, a reflection of the indifference and social injustice Dickens saw of the plight of the poor and working class."

"No," I disagreed, "Dickens didn't advocate changing the structure of society by revolution or legislation. He distrusted all public or private systems to bring about reform. He wanted for people themselves to be reformed. Carole, you're at heart a Malthusian, just like he was... and equally obsolete now too!" Now I had her right where I wanted her.

Malthusians still live among us in both the extreme left and right wings of politics; and Dickens was writing to readers who supported such things.

That phrase--surplus population--is what first tipped me off to my creator's philosophical agenda... but I am not him! He was taking aim at the father of the zero-growth philosophy, Thomas Malthus. Malthus' ideas were still current in British intellectual life at the time 'A Christmas Carol' was written. Malthus, himself, had joined the surplus generation only nine years before. But his ideas have proved more durable. Malthus taught the world to fear new people. An amateur economist, he created a theoretical model which allegedly proved that mass starvation was an inevitable result of population growth. Populations grow, he said, geometrically, but wealth only grows arithmetically. In other words, new people create more new people, but new food doesn't create new food.

Malthus' influence, unfortunately, grew geometrically and not arithmetically. His ideas provided fodder for Darwin, and Darwin's lesser mutations used the model to argue for the value of mass human extinction. Hitler's hard eugenics and Sanger's (founder of Planned Parenthood) softer one, both owed a great debt of gratitude to Thomas Malthus. So do the zero-growth, sustainable-growth, right-to-die, duty-to-die, life boat bio-ethicists who dominate so much of our intellectual discussion. Malthus turned out to be, ironically, right in some sense. His prediction of mass death has taken place; not because he was right, but because he was believed.

Dickens created me, Ebenezer Scrooge, the unreformed one, to be clearly a Malthusian. He had also redeemed me at the end, and I knew better!

Carole Christmas now knew the truth, both in my words and in my eyes, and hers blinked. Sanity was starting to return but I didn't take any chances. No one had searched my coat and my lead pipe was ready and handy... and I decked her halls! Her blood was the last to join that crimson snow covered field and with just a menacing glance from me the fight went out of all of her believers, as they just stood there in stunned silence.

It was now a very Silent Night, evening had come, and the Kringle clan once more quickly resumed control over the castle and the entire lot of sullen rebels were taken off to some brightly lit and festively decorated dungeon. Dealing with them wasn't my problem!

********************

I shuffled myself off back home to my house and shoveled in more coal that I could probably afford to replace and settled into my biggest and most comfortable chair and downed perhaps a dozen brandies. I feel asleep there and enjoyed the rest of the nocturnal solitude, pleased as punch that my case had been solved.

On the morning of Christmas Eve, I attended to my workplace. Fred came stumbling in at close to noontime, with his old ex once again under arm, both as drunk as lords. They both looked deliriously and sickeningly happy and with the doxy now gone permanently, the dim-witted couple probably didn't even recall that they were on the outs. They invited me to come dine with them tomorrow, for a late holiday supper of festivities, frivolities and games. By evening, Fred, the host would be soused and under the table, insensible. After that, the hostess would be under me! I'd missed regularly screwing her at every and all opportunities!

I then gave Bob the afternoon off early. I think he had a hot date lined up with Butchy Elf.

There being nothing much to do, other than count, recount and jingle all of the shiny jangle in my coin-chest, I was about to leave early too and lock up for the evening, it being Christmas Eve, when the snow whitest breasts of my dreams walked back into my office once more. It was my client... and her red and ermine fur-lined robe looked ready to explode, cascading the wonders of all of her wintery wonderlands out for my view.

Oh, yes dear God... please!

Then with a smile, her figure shimmered and transformed in the familiar form of Mrs. Santa! The plump Kringle matron boss herself! Then, to my further astonishment, her form shifted again, to something older, wilder... more sexually feral. And even more beautiful and deadly, if it could possibly be imagined.

"Everyone forgets," she laughed, shifting gently again back into her lovelier and softer love goddess persona, "that long before Saturnalia, or even before Celts were sacrificing in evergreen groves, that I was there before them all, man's primitive and ancient belief in the spirit of rebirth and renewal, that spring and life would come once more after winter. A girl has to adapt with the times, like Carole, who is the living conscience and spirit of Christmas, but being... mostly, Mrs. Clause does quite suits me! When the revolt happened, I was as usual in the kitchen baking cookies and none of Carole's minions even looked at me twice. It was easy then to escape from the castle and find you, the one person I was sure of that could face down Carole, in her temporary madness."

I had known that Carole didn't have any sisters! So my secretive client had been Mrs. Claus all along!

It was a Christmas miracle... her robe now fell fully open so that I could enjoy the holiday feast that was now fully on offer. A hero's banquet and reward! In a flash, my hands were grabbing her immaculate and flawless breasts as she backed up her glorious ass upon Crotchitch's writing table so that I could mount her!

"The Fat Man?" I hissed, as I gave her the entirety of my Yule log.

"Off with the reindeer and sleigh, for the next 47 hours, doing his deliveries around the world. I'll know where he is every minute, so they'll be no sudden unpleasant surprises or interruptions! Now... Cum, all ye Faithful! We've got lots of time and I've got lots of holiday spirit to share!

She even had a pair of tickets for us to attend the Slutcracker together tonight! She was really my Santa Baby this year! First, though we had a bit of Hum-buggery to attend to!