The Coal Miner & The Conservative

Gary tried not to look at the appalling, embarrassing scene; a five-year-old boy shamelessly sucking on a dummy in public, his mother not even thinking twice about how something like this could warp her son as an adult. Gary knew his own daughter Emma had stopped using a dummy soon after the age of one, and he knew of no other kids having a dummy at this age. Still, if Jason grew up to be a serial killer, a sexual predator or some sort of child molester, it would be Denise's problem not Gary's.

"Having a good night there, Gary?" Paul asked on his way past, again laughing at his mate's misfortune.

Hilda, Richard and Jonathon Thornton-Browne made their exit from the table after dessert -apple crumble with cream and custard - to speak to other family members, possibly to boast about how much money they earned, but more likely because upon Jason's remark to his mother that he was a dog, Denise had set Jason's bowl of custard down upon the floor, the boy getting down on all fours and lapping it up with his tongue while growling and barking. The despairing Gary could only shake his head. Jason was a weird enough kid as it was, stuff like this only ensured he was on a fast track to becoming a very strange adult who committed serious crimes.

Gary's only pleasure was that upper-class Felicity was clearly repulsed by this too, but he tried to concentrate on his dessert rather than Felicity or the freak of a kid eating like a dog on the floor. Apple crumble was one of his favorite foods, and he chased every last crumb around his dish with his spoon, attracting Felicity's attention.

"You'll take the pattern of the plate doing that," Felicity commented as she wiped her mouth with her table napkin while giving Gary a haughty look.

"Yeah, I like apple crumble, so what?" Gary asked, resenting the implication from the stuck-up little snob that he had no table manners.

Felicity shrugged. "I thought the apple crumble was too sweet."

"I thought the vegetables were under-cooked," Gary commented.

"I thought they were done to perfection."

"The soup was a bit cold."

Felicity shrugged. "Mine was too hot."

"I bloody don't believe it." Gary shook his head.

"What don't you believe, Gary?"

"You. I say one thing, and you'll say the complete opposite."

"Oh Gary, that's ridiculous."

"It's not, you do it all the time just to annoy me. Not just with important things, but with minor things too like this!"

Felicity looked with disgust at the other end of the table where Jason continued to lick the bowl on the floor while his mother sat with her brother and parents indifferently smoking cigarettes. "If you want to discuss it further, we can do it somewhere else, I'm not staying here."

"Oh yeah, I want to discuss if further," said Gary, getting up and following Felicity from the room and into the main bar, which was unusually quiet for a Saturday night, with just a few diehards at the other end of the room.

"So Gary, what is your problem?" the girl challenged.

"I don't got no problem, it's you've whose got bloody problem."

"I don't 'got no bloody problem' as you put it," said Felicity.

"Yes you do, everything I say, you say the opposite," said Gary. "If I wanted to close down every coal mine in the country, you would want to open more."

"No I would not."

"And if I wanted to go on the dole instead of working for a living, you would say that I shouldn't get the dole."

"I agree there, you shouldn't get the dole," Felicity said. "Nobody should live off the dole, enjoying a holiday at the government's expense."

"What about those who have already lost their jobs?" Gary demanded. "You know, the poor sods who were victims of privatization? How do they get by paying their bills and putting food on the table? The dole's not a holiday, you know."

"Like you, Uncle Gordon, Paul and the rest of your coal miner friends, they need to learn to live in the present not in the past and accept that uneconomical government operations need to be privatized to make a profit, and uneconomical industries such as coal mining need to be shut down. You need to find other jobs, stop feeling sorry for yourselves and thinking that your only future will be on the dole."

"And where do all these jobs come from? Magic?"

"Gary, all sorts of trades and professions have been dying off over the years," said Felicity. "Gas lamp lighters, telegram boys, switchboard operators, blacksmiths, coopers just to name a few. They had to adapt, and you will need to do the same."

"And you'll be just fine through all of it," said Gary.

"Yes, because I am choosing a career in law which will guarantee me employment."

"In case you haven't noticed, not everyone can afford to study law. You're a rich girl who hasn't got a clue about how the real world works."

"And you're an ignorant communist, who can't see economic realism."

"Don't you call me a communist, you toffee-nosed little Tory."

"Okay then, you Labour Party lackey."

"Conservative cow."

"Socialist."

"Snob."

"Bastard."

"Bitch."

"Hey Gary, if you and your girlfriend want to have a domestic, go outside and bloody do it! Don't be doing it in here bothering me bloody customers!" Eric, a tall man with a stomach that indicated he enjoyed the beer he served appeared behind the bar, a stern expression upon his bearded face and pointed at the door.

Gary and Felicity looked to where a group of older men were drinking at the other end of the bar, all of them glaring at the young man and woman, wanting to enjoy their pints in peace without the squabbling.

"Yeah sorry Eric," said Gary, turning to leave.

"He is NOT my boyfriend," Felicity pointed out to Eric as she also left the bar. The pair were now in the area outside the function room, and stared each other down like horned animals such as cows, sheep or goats would before butting heads again.

"So, do you want to continue our debate here?" Gary asked.

"I am on my university debating team, what we were doing was not debating," Felicity pointed out.

"What were we doing then?"

"We were arguing. Arguing is not debating."

"Of course arguing is debating."

Felicity folded her arms. "No, arguing is not debating."

"So, what are we doing at the moment?" Gary prompted.

"We're having an argument."

"No, it's a quarrel." Gary was determined to stand his ground.

"A quarrel or disagreement is not a debate."

"We're not having a disagreement, we're having a difference of opinion."

Felicity threw her arms up in the air, turned and stormed away. "What's the matter, can't you handle our debate anymore?" Gary asked.

"No, I need to go to the loo," said Felicity, pointing at the door with the female symbol a short way away. "We can continue our argument when I come back from the ladies' room, if you choose."

"I do choose to carry on," said Gary.

"You choose, you lose," said Felicity. "And don't follow me in there and try and continue arguing with me through the door about nonsense."

"As if I would do that!" exclaimed Gary. "What do you take me for, some sort of pervert?"

"Well Gary, you spend your days deep underground with lots of men, so who knows how you might react when you're around a young lady," said Felicity. The girl then smiled provocatively and added, "Oh, that's right, you don't get to spend your days underground at the moment, do you?" She turned and went into the ladies' room, closing the door behind herself.

Gary gave her an obscene hand gesture. "Yeah, you're no young lady," he mumbled.

"I see you and Felicity are having a good time together," said Julie, who along with Paul had appeared behind Gary, a huge smile on her pretty face.

"Yeah, real fun," complained Gary.

"Oh well, maybe if Felicity gives you the brush off, you could try your luck with Denise?" suggested Paul. "I mean, you can have a real good, interesting conversation with her and her brother and parents."

"Ah, shut up," complained Gary. "What's up with you two, do you get some sort of pleasure out of watching me suffer?"

"Kind of, it depends how funny it is. And this is funny, believe me," said Julie. "I think Denise would be a better match for you than Felicity anyway. And you could be step-father to her kid, put him on the right track."

"No way, I can't afford my own kid, let alone somebody else's," said Gary. "But even if I had a million dollars, there's no way I'd take on Denise's son. That kid is seriously screwed up."

"Yeah, our Dad was going on and on about him having the dummy," said Paul. "I agree with Dad."

"Yeah me, too. A dummy at five? Come on," said Julie.

"I agree too," said Gary. "Although you and your Dad are lucky, you didn't have to listen to the brat sucking on it."

Both Julie and Paul laughed. "It's just not your day, is it Gary?" asked Julie.

"Nah," Gary agreed.

"Well it's going to get worse, your favorite person's coming back," said Julie.

Gary turned and saw Felicity emerging from the ladies toilet. Paul laughed. "You'll probably want to be alone, so we'll go back now."

He and his sister walked back towards the wedding reception room, passing their cousin on the way back. Paul cast a casual glance back at Felicity and then stopped short, his eyes going wide. He tapped Julie on the shoulder, his sister turning around, her eyes likewise popping as she and Paul both began laughing under their breaths on the way back into the reception.

The puzzled Gary could not work out what was amusing them so much, especially as another young female wedding guest also giggled when walking past, until Felicity turned to walk towards him, and her back was reflected in a full-length mirror that stood next to a coat stand and he quickly saw what the problem was.

Somehow, Felicity had managed to get her dress caught up in her knickers when she pulled them up after using the toilet. Her white, bikini-style knickers were fully visible at the back, and Gary could see her shapely legs on display from her bum down to her feet.

Gary found himself beginning to laugh but at the same time, another sensation began to make itself clear to the young man; a stirring in his groin as blood flowed down to form a rapidly rising erection. Gary was horrified, not only because he was getting a hard-on in public, but because of who was causing it - a young woman who he could not stand thanks to her stuck-up, snobby, self-important ways and the way she supported everything he did not. Gary tried telling himself to get it together, but he was unable to keep his eyes off the pretty young blonde's knickers reflected in the mirror and his mind off the private, feminine areas of Felicity that her knickers covered.

While things had been running against Gary today from the moment he woke up until now, the young man fortunately had one small stroke of luck. There was a chair behind him, and Gary was able to back into it and sit down to avoid an extremely embarrassing situation. Felicity was oblivious to the fact that her knickers were on display for all to see as she approached Gary, and that Gary had a raging hard-on, his erection throbbing in his underpants.

"So, you said earlier that you wanted to carry on our discussion about all the things I am right and you are wrong about?" Felicity prompted.

Gary was unable to find his voice, and kept staring with wide open eyes at the mirror behind Felicity and the reflection of her white knickers that covered the firm cheeks of her bum and her perfect legs.

"Hey Gary, my face is right here," said Felicity impatiently, confused as to why Gary seemed to be looking through her, rather than at her.

Once again, Gary was unable to respond. In his groin, he could not control his throbbing erection, Felicity unable to figure out why Gary was staring vacantly behind her. She soon received the answer when some of the young male wedding guests passed by and their eyes went wide at the sight of a very pretty blonde with her dress caught up in her knickers.

One of the young men put his fingers in his mouth and wolf-whistled her, his mates cheering.

Felicity whirled around to face them, her face full of indignation at the rudeness of these young men she considered Northern Neanderthals and well below her own social strata. "Is there some sort of problem?" she demanded of them.

None of this helped Gary's erection problems, as Felicity's cute bottom covered in her white cotton knickers was just in front of Gary's face. His penis throbbed mercilessly, and he doubted that even a bucket of icy water could cool him down.

"Looking hot there, darling!" one of the young men called out.

"Enjoying the view there Gary?" another young man asked as the group went on their way.

"What did he mean, are you enjoying the view?" Felicity snapped, turning back to face Gary, her exposed knickers still visible in the mirror.

Gary shrugged his shoulders, unable to keep from staring in the mirror, which only served to irritate Felicity even more. "Just what is so interesting behind me?" she asked, turning to look to see for herself. In doing so, Felicity caught a glance of her backside, and her face registered horror as she realized that she had caught her dress in her panties when she pulled them up after using the toilet and had been walking around showing off her knickers to anyone passing by.

"Get a good look, did you?" Felicity asked as she hastily freed her dress and smoothed it down. "Did you think of telling me that I caught my dress in my knickers, or did you think it would be funny to allow me to walk around like that all night?"

"Believe me, it is very funny," said Gary.

With an expression of total indignation, Felicity grabbed Gary by his tie and pulled him to his feet, Gary a bit surprised at how strong she was and shocked by the speed with which she moved. It gave him no time to avoid standing up, and while his erection was now subsiding, Felicity's eyes went wide as she noticed his predicament, fury etched upon the teenager's face.

"I'd like to talk to you about this outside," said the fuming Felicity, leading Gary, whose erection had now thankfully gone down completely, out of the front doors of the public house and into the adjacent car park.

"So, that's how you get off is it?" Felicity wanted to know. "Perving at me after I accidentally caught my knickers in my dress after I'd been to the toilet?"

"No, and I wouldn't get off perving on a posh princess like you," said Gary.

"You could have fooled me." Felicity folded her arms.

"Don't flatter yourself, Felicity," said Gary. "I don't like posh girls from posh schools who live in posh London suburbs and go to posh universities who come up here in their parents' posh car shooting off their posh mouths about shit they don't know nothing about."

"Don't know anything about, you mean," said Felicity, continuing her irritating tactic of correcting Gary's grammar. "And its port out, starboard home."

"Sorry?" Gary was completely confused.

"If you're going to try and insult me by calling me posh, at least know what it means. Posh is an acronym from sailing across the Atlantic by ship, those who could afford it would be assigned port cabins on the voyage from England to America, and starboard cabins on the return voyage."

"There you go again, being smart and saying the opposite of everything I say."

"I don't recall myself saying anything opposite to you in our latest verbal exchange, Gary."

"Yeah, but you want to, don't you? Like if I say Labour, you would say ..."

"Conservative." Felicity finished the sentence for him.

"There you go. Let's try another. Dog."

"Cat."

"Black."

"White."

"Poor."

"Rich."

"Up."

"Down."

"North."

"South."

"East."

"West."

"Red."

"Blue."

"Night."

"Day."

"Good."

"Bad."

"Man."

"Woman."

"Boy."

"Girl."

"Lesbian."

"Straight male."

Gary stopped in triumph. "Ah, I got you there."

"No you did not, a straight male is the opposite of a lesbian," Felicity asserted.

"No, the opposite of a lesbian is a poofter. Or a gay, a homo, a fairy, a pansy, a queer, whatever you like to call them."

Felicity was determined to win this latest battle of wills. "How can the opposite of a lesbian be a male homosexual? It can't be a straight woman, they're both women, and it can't be a gay male, as they both like their own gender. It stands to reason that opposite of a lesbian is a straight male."

"No, it's definitely a poof. Gary is right, and Felicity is wrong."

"Do you know how frustrating and annoying you are?" spat the exasperated Felicity.

"Really, I annoy and frustrate you?" Gary asked with a grin on his face.

"Yes, standing here in a pub car park debating you about what is the opposite of a lesbian."

"I thought you said earlier that we weren't having a debate?"

"Oh shut up Gary, you are so annoying."

"You already said I was annoying."

"Irritating then, you drive me crazy." Felicity drew her breath and stared at Gary with her blue eyes.

"Aren't you in your university's debating team?" Gary asked, keen to press home his victory. "What do you do when somebody annoys you when you are debating?"

"It's interesting that you should ask that, Gary," said Felicity, standing directly in front of the young man. "If it's a woman, nothing. An ugly guy, like some of those upper-class chinless wonders, then nothing again. But, if I get annoyed by a good-looking guy like you, then this."

To Gary's amazement, Felicity shoved him against a car and planted a kiss on his lips. He smell her perfume and feel her blonde hair against his face, her blue hair ribbon tickling his nose, then as Felicity inserted her tongue into his mouth he could again feel himself get hard again.

Felicity withdrew her mouth from Gary's and said, "That's not all. I fuck their brains out."

The word fuck seemed so out of place in Felicity's posh, educated voice that Gary could not help but be turned on by it. However, this was still such an unexpected turn of events that Gary asked, "What, you're kidding around?"

"No, I'm not," said Felicity. "And you can't tell me you don't want to do this too? I saw how hard your cock was after you saw my knickers." She moved her hand to Gary's groin and stroked his penis through his trousers, Gary getting harder and harder by the second.

It had been ages since Gary had had any sexual activity at all, and while Felicity had done nothing but annoy him since they had met earlier in the day, he had not been able to get her out of his mind. And boy oh boy, was she hot. That he had gotten so turned on when her dress was caught in her knickers was proof of this. Maybe there was some truth in the old adage that opposites attract?

"Where do you want to, you know?" Gary stammered.

"Engage in sexual intercourse and allow you to insert your penis into my vagina?" Felicity asked. "Definitely not out here, up in my room."

"Okay, but I think you'll need to walk in front of me." Gary indicated his expanded groin close to bursting the zipper on his trousers.

Felicity let out a little laugh. "Oh Gary, I won't be walking anywhere in front of you."

For a moment, Gary thought Felicity had set him up and among her negative attributes she was also a tease who had led him on only to let him down. "What?" he stammered.

"If we go up together, people might notice," said Felicity. "My parents, my uncle and aunt, your cousins. Then there's your mates from the coalmine. What would they think of you screwing a rich girl who is a member of the Conservatives who thinks Mrs. Thatcher is Britain's best prime minister since Churchill?"

"Um, not a lot," said Gary, pondering how he was going to get to screw Felicity.

"I've got a much better idea," said Felicity, leading Gary to the wall of the pub and pointing to the upstairs window directly above them. "That's my room. I'll go up there and open the window, and you climb up the drainpipe. That's way more exciting anyway."