The Coffee Shop Pt. 05

I expected to feel Andy's arms drop away from me, as he heard my secret shame, my betrayal of my love for him. What happened next was a miracle. There is no other word for it. Andy turned my body towards him, and pulled me close. He reached out and with that tender touch I so much admired, he lifted my head up until I was looking at him. His face was calm, with worry and concern etched on it slightly. He smiled that tender sexy 'it's okay' smile of his at me. Oh, how I wanted it to be okay, but I knew it wasn't. I dropped my head again. He reached out again and lifted my head up a second time so that I was looking him in the eyes.

"Do you feel better now that you've told me?" He asked in that warm sexy honey tenor voice of his.

"Y.....yes," I answered meekly. Actually I felt rotten, but somewhere inside a small part of me did feel better. It was strange. I didn't understand what I was feeling or why I was feeling it.

"Good," He said and then he kissed me gently on the lips, with a smile on his face. He held the kiss for a second or two before he broke it off and sat there smiling at me.

I was dumbfounded. "How can you say that after what I just told you?" I asked "Why aren't you angry with me?"

"What you felt was normal and to be expected, Paul. Logic doesn't come into it when someone is in agony. They look for a scapegoat, someone to blame, and then they lash out. I know that deep down in your heart where it counts, you don't hate me. I don't think that you ever could truly hate me. The logical part of your mind knows that I was not to blame for your being hurt. Yes, I want to blame myself for not being there, but I'll get over that in time. You will get over your feeling of hate for me, in time too. Keeping it bottled up, and trying to protect me from knowing how you felt at that time, is probably what caused your nightmare." Andy's words were like a soothing balm to my ears. It was just what I need to hear. It helped me to face my shame, accept it and deal with it.

"How do you know so much about it?" I asked him, wondering where his words of wisdom had come from.

"Let's just say that in my line of work, some of the people I work with have gone though something similar," Andy replied.

"You. You went through something like this too, didn't you?" I snapped at him, as comprehension dawned on me.

"Yes, and that's all you need to know about it," Andy said firmly. It was clear from the no nonsense tone of his voice that that particular topic was closed for further discussion.

I looked at him, as if seeing him for the first time. There was much more to Andy than I'd realized. I wanted to ask him about it, but came to understand that I didn't need to know about that part of his life. Andy had just as much right to privacy as I did. I hadn't told him the details about my breakup with Burt, and he wasn't going to tell me anything more about this event in his life. Fair enough.

"You're not just some big dumb muscle bound cop," I blurted out. (Sometimes I can be tactless, dear reader, and this was one of those occasions. It was understandable though, given the circumstances.) "There's a lot more to you Constable Andrew Anderson, than meets the eye." I looked at Andy with a newfound respect mixed with a touch of awe.

"I'm glad you're coming to realize that. Now we need to get back to sleep," Andy said as he moved about and began tucking me into bed again. "There are a couple more hours before I have to get up."

It took Andy only a few minutes to get me settled in the bed. He climbed in next to me and kissed me on the cheek. "Sleep well, Texas. I'm right next to you. You're safe tonight."

I turned and looked at Andy. "And what about the nights when you're not here?" I asked, not bothering to hide the tremor in my voice. "The night terrors will come back won't they?"

"You can sleep with one of my unwashed RCMP t-shirts clutched tightly to your chest. You can breathe in my scent, and know that I am still right next to you. That should keep the night terrors at bay, until you banish them yourself," Andy said with assurance. When he spoke like that, with a note of strength in his voice I could not help but believe him.

"Do I have to give you back your RCMP t-shirt then, dear heart?" I said half jokingly.

Andy looked at me for a second or two before he spoke. "No, you can keep it as long as you like, if you give me one of your unwashed cowboy t-shirts to sleep with. I want you in bed with me every night too, Texas."

"Deal," I said. "Shall we shake on it?"

"Naw. I have something better," Andy said with a grin. He moved next to me and planted a big firm sensuous kiss on my eager lips. Andy rolled over turned out the light, and then rolled back to face me. "Good night, Texas. I love you," he said in the darkness.

"Good night, dear heart. I love you too," I replied.

We drifted back to sleep. The rest of the night was uneventful.

Andy was right. The night terrors did fade with time, but it took more than a month.

Now you know, dear reader, why I sleep with one of Andy's unwashed RCMP t-shirts every night. Sometimes, when I'm really missing him, I sleep IN his unwashed RCMP t-shirt. I leave it to you to guess how often that is.



Chapter 11 Cowboy Up.

I don't know how Andy talked me into it. I don't know why I agreed to do it. Maybe he cajoled me into it by telling me that if I was going to dress like a cowboy, the least I could do was to try riding a horse once in my life. I guess that stung my male pride, and that was why I agreed to be open-minded about it and give horseback riding an honest try. I don't want you to get the wrong idea. Andy did not bully me or pester me into agreeing to go to the riding ranch. He mentioned the idea and asked me what I thought about it. We talked about it for a while, and at the end of the discussion I told him that I wasn't sure it was a good idea or that I really wanted to try it. A quick check with my doctor eliminated my recently healed ribs as a valid medical excuse to refrain from trying horseback riding.

It was only after Andy informed me that he was an experienced horseman, and that he wanted to share that part of his life with me, that I finally relented and agreed to accompany him to the riding ranch. Like me, Andy was a city boy and had never been around horses before in his life. All that changed when Andy underwent his Mountie training at the Depot, though. There Andy first saw the performers of the 'Musical Ride of the RCMP' practicing, for the show that they were going to give in Regina. It was then that he fell in love with horses in general and discovered within himself a desire to become a member of that precision performing team. Andy was disappointed to discover that there was a significant waiting list to become a member of the "Musical Ride". Members of the RCMP Musical Ride were all volunteers and their tour of duty lasted only for three years. In the meantime Andy had decided to learn how to ride on his own time, and at his own expense. Andy was still working towards his goal of joining the "Musical Ride", when he first met me. He had spent many years learning about horses, and he enjoyed spending time with them, both in and out of the saddle. Now he was offering to share that facet of his life with me. All he asked me was to try riding once and see if I liked it.

Looking back now, I think the real reason I agreed to go with Andy to the riding ranch was so that I could spend more time with him, and be with him. Andy liked to spend a free weekend out at the riding ranch when he could arrange it. He averaged at least one weekend a month. I knew that it would be foolish (not to mention completely unreasonable and selfish) of me to ask Andy to spend less time at the ranch so he could spend more time with me. He had his interests and hobbies and I had mine. If I wanted to spend more time with Andy, I would have to at least try to take an interest in his hobbies. After all, this was no different than my teaching Andy how to play chess. He wasn't interested in the game at first, but he tried it anyway because I was interested in it. He soon developed some enthusiasm for the game. I think the copy of Battle Chess on my computer helped. One thing is for sure, his game definitely improved after the first time we played 'strip chess'. Strip monopoly is fun too, but it takes much too long before it starts to get interesting, if you know what I mean. (I am too much of a cowboy gentleman, dear reader, to offer any further information regarding our 'strip chess' game, other than to say that I checkmated Andy but good.)

The trip to the riding ranch from the city wasn't a long drive, but I was nervous as hell. Why? Well, because all these years I'd been dressing like a cowboy, and now I was going to have to deal with real cowboys, who would be able to tell at a glance that I was a true yahoo. (In case you are interested, the cowboy term for someone who dresses like a cowboy but is not a cowboy, is 'yahoo'.) It was a blow to my self confidence, and it shook me up, a lot more than I cared to let Andy know. At least I was smart enough to dress in quiet colours consisting of a light blue cowboy shirt, a pair of dark blue jeans, a plain black belt (without a big shiny belt buckle, just a simple, metal D-loop and tongue), black cowboy boots and a light straw cowboy hat.

In addition to his black cowboy boots, Andy was dressed in a pair of light blue jeans, sporting a black belt with a large plain silver belt buckle. His red plaid cowboy shirt was firmly tucked into those jeans, and the white straw cowboy hat on his head was the finishing touch. Andy looked like a real cowboy, more to the point he seemed like a real cowboy. There was something about the way he carried himself that let you know he was the genuine article. He was a horseman.

The drive to the riding ranch was quiet. It was a beautiful spring Saturday morning, bright and sunny with a zephyr that kissed the leaves on the trees. I couldn't deny that Andy had picked an ideal day for me to make a fool of myself, trying to ride a horse. (Yes, dear reader, I had more than a few reservations about this whole proposal. The only thing that kept me going was that I had given my word to Andy, and I could not bear to disappoint him. Ah, the things you do for the one you love.) Andy pulled up to the riding ranch and parked his car off to the side in an area that was clearly marked for visitors. "Hang on just a second," he said to me as he shut off the motor and turned his head to look over at me.

"Yes?" I asked him as I looked him in the eyes. (Damn, I loved looking into his eyes. He had very sexy eyes, either that or my hormones were running riot again. Most likely, it was a bit of both.)

"I want you to know a couple of things," Andy said as he looked at me with a sober and serious expression on his face, and placed his right hand on my left shoulder seeming to give his words more weight.. "First, everyone's a greenhorn at one time or another, so don't concern yourself with that. Listen and learn, and you'll do fine. Second, and far more important, I want to thank you for coming here with me today. I know this wasn't your first choice on how to spend a Saturday afternoon, and I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate it."

"You're welcome," I muttered to Andy, looking him right in the eyes. What I wanted to do was to hug him, but we weren't exactly alone, so I had to make do with those few words, as inadequate as they were.

I climbed out of Andy's car and looked about, trying to get a feel for the place. It was a ranch. Directly in front of the car was a fence, with an open gate in it. Beyond the gate, and off to the right was a large ranch house. Off to the far left were several large barns. It was a pretty safe bet that the horses were housed there. It was still fairly early in the morning, but even so there were many cowboys moving about the place. Some were on horseback, some were just walking around, and others were leading some horses to various places. I was mildly surprised by how busy the place looked. I wasn't sure what to expect exactly, but I certainly had not expected the ranch to have this many cowboys wandering about. Then again, what the heck did I know about ranch life? Suddenly I felt very stupid, and very out of place.

Andy lead me up to the ranch house and as we approached I noticed a sign that said 'Office' on one of the walls. I followed Andy into this 'office' and laid eyes on a middle aged man who was probably the owner or at least the manager of the office. This man was nearly as tall as Andy, say six feet one inch, but looked shorter since this man's legs were slightly bowed. He had a lean and firm build to his body, to judge from the way he filled out his jeans and denim shirt. The rest of his nondescript outfit consisted of a plain light brown leather belt, with a simple D-loop and tongue buckle, a pair of dust covered brown cowboy boots and a pair of dusty tan chaps. All looked well used, suggesting that this was not a man who remained sitting behind his desk all day. He was physically fit, there was no question. His arms were well muscled but not built up like a body builder. His hands were large and powerful looking. His chest and torso were in perfect proportion to the rest of his body, and his stomach looked flat and firm. His hips, legs and the rest of his body followed suit. Everything matched, except for his face. His face was tanned almost burnt from countless hours in the sun, with wrinkles decorated around the corners of his eyes and mouth. These wrinkles added an air of maturity and experience to this middle aged cowboy who stood before me. His short and neatly trimmed sun bleached sandy brown hair was noticeably thinning. The bushy moustache that resided between his upper lip and his nose was liberally sprinkled with gray hairs. It was his eyes though, that caught and held my attention. They were a dark and deep blue, the colour of the sea in the middle of a storm. Those eyes seemed to look right though you as if this cowboy was sizing you up, to see if you met his standards. Yet at the same time, those eyes seemed to glow with friendly warmth that made you feel as if you and the cowboy were old friends. It was confusing to say the least.

"Howdy, Andy!" The cowboy called out as he walked over to where Andy was standing, and greeted him with a firm handshake and a slap on the back.

"Howdy, Lee!" Andy answered back enthusiastically. "It's great to see you again!" I was forgotten for the moment as these two friends quickly got caught up with each other. I stood there quietly listening to their conversation, as they chatted for a few minutes. I waited patiently for them to remember that I was still in the room. It wasn't as if I had a meeting to rush off to or anything.

"And who might this be?" Lee asked Andy as Lee looked over at me, seeming to notice me for the first time.

'A friend of mine, Paul Walton, who is interested in learning how to ride," Andy answered, turning to look at me.

"Is that so?" Lee asked looking me directly in the eyes, seeming to want some type of answer from me.

I looked at Lee, and tried to think of how I should answer him. Something told me that a lot depended on my answer, and that a simple 'yes' would not do. "If you think I'm worth the trouble of trying to teach, then yes I would like to learn how to ride," I replied softly while still keeping eye contact with Lee. (I was surprised at how much effort it required for me to keep looking Lee in the eyes. Lee had a powerful, domineering personality.)

"Might I ask what your name is?" I asked keeping my voice soft but strong.

"Lee Carson, is my name, Mr. Walton," Lee replied. "And just what did you mean, Mr. Walton?" Lee shot back at me, seeming to pounce on my reply. His voice was a mixture of caution and curiosity, as if he had not yet made up his mind about me.

"What I know about horses, and riding horses could be printed in billboard sized type on the head of a pin, Mr. Carson," I answered him truthfully, keeping my voice soft but clear and strong. "I am, what is commonly referred to as a 'greenhorn'. Maybe I can't learn how to ride. I don't know. What I do know, is that I am committed to learning how to ride. I will do my best to learn. It is up to you to decide if you wish to put forth the effort to teach me."

"A man who is smart enough to admit when he doesn't know anything," Lee said to me as he looked me over, nodding his head thoughtfully. (I was starting to feel like a bug under a microscope. It was a most uncomfortable feeling.) "Tell me, do you even know what a horse looks like?" He asked me with a slightly sarcastic tone to his voice. (I was being kind by thinking that. The air was so thick with sarcasm that you could have cut it with a knife.)

Now I was confused. If this was Mr. Carson's way of taking on new students, it certainly wasn't very friendly. If anything it was insulting. I couldn't help but feel as if he was pushing me around verbally.

"Yes I know what a horse looks like, and right now I'm getting a pretty good idea of what a horse's ass looks like," I flippantly replied.

"I see," Lee replied as he pressed his lips together in a firm thin line. I could see more than a hint of anger coming to the surface of his face. "You'd best leave now, if you know what's good for you."

"As you wish," I said to Mr. Carson, as I turned around. 'So much for learning how to ride a horse,' I thought to myself. "I'll wait for you in the car, Andy," I called out to him as I took a step towards the door.

"Wait!" Lee called out to my back.

I turned slowly back to face Lee, and looked at him. "Yes? Is there something else you wanted to say to me?" I asked him, as I stood there looking him in the eye.

"You gave up awfully easy, didn't you?" Lee asked me.

"I didn't come here to fight or to banter words with you, Mr. Carson," I said to him coolly. "I came here with the intention to learn how to ride a horse. It seems clear to me now that this will not be possible. I am sorry to have wasted your time. Now, if that is all, I'll be leaving. I'm sure you have things to do." I turned about and walked stiffly out of his office, leaving Andy behind. I felt a twinge of disappointment in myself I'd let my temper get the better of me. I don't like it when someone attempts to 'put me in my place'. Somehow, the conversation had quickly gone downhill. It wasn't all that hard to understand. I'd been insulted and my pride had been stung. It was a foolish reaction, but at the same time it felt right, somehow.

As I walked to Andy's car, I let the anger I'd been feeling at Mr. Carson loose. As I cooled off, I realized that it was a simple case of good old fashioned wounded pride that had caused me to react (okay, over react) to Mr. Carson's words. I didn't like being talked down to. (Who does?) That didn't solve the problem, though. I'd blown any chance to learn horseback riding. It suddenly struck me that Andy was going to be disappointed in me, for screwing up an opportunity for us to spend more time together, in an innocent manner. Yeah, I'd blown it big time because of my foolish pride. Sometimes, dear reader, I can be a flaming idiot.

I found walking quickly to Andy's car had helped cool my temper. The spring breeze helped. I might not be riding a horse today, but I could walk around and look at the horses, and watch the cowboys in action. As long as I kept out of the way, I couldn't see how that would cause any harm. It wasn't much, but it would do. Some cowboys can be damn sexy, and if I was lucky I'd get to innocently watch a few in action. I was still figuratively kicking myself for rising to the bait and losing my temper with Mister Carson, when Andy caught up with me at his car, a few minutes later.