The Comedian

A comedy club after the show is where you see it. The few, the desperate, the up and comers looking to cash in on their fame. Since they're pretty anonymous to anyone who didn't see the show, Comedians usually look to see who's available.

I had been to this club before. I was a regular...sorry semi regular. Sat by the jukebox with no one except a pitcher maybe a bottle of Cristal and the occasional bar toad.

I exited through the alley and saw Rach. Rachel Star, a longtime waitress turned insult comic. Her honey blond hair and mint eyes weren't anything like her material. She was one of the few people who recognized me.

"Look at this asshole" she says as she spots me. "You like the show?" as she leans on a stair rail. She was about 5ft and had arms that were toned from handling bottles all night. Her body was hidden by the long leather she had on.

I shrug. Wasn't trying to be cool or anything, was surprised she was talking to me.

"I know why you here alone, you stopped wanting to be the ugly friend, decided to roll solo. Proper." as a group of comedians take notice.

"It was ok. Good I guess."

"Good you guess? What is this a customer survey from Denny's? We put hard work and sweat up there..." she replies.

People watching and I am at a loss for words.

"Walk me to my car asshole! Do a little good tonight." she commands as all other comedians goad her on. "Hey single woman, late night, where your manners?"

I gesture ladies first and she steps ahead. We get out of range of everyone and she says without looking at me, "thanks, a lot of those guys back there are real desperate for a hook up, had to get out."

"That happen a lot?" I ask, being the sort of dumb question that gets you in the Captain Obvious crew. I gesture to her boobs and behind to her booty... I'm sure she has to swat guys away every day.

"I mean it's fun, but I work there. I can't be involved with any drama...I'm a comedian. Have to keep it light."

"Meaning what?"

"Meaning leaving with the quiet asshole who drinks by himself and used to tip well." Sh*t her sarcasm game is strong.

At this point we'd walked a good distance. "Where you parked?"

":We here. I have a place over there." As she points to a walk up a few houses away.

"Anyway I have a bottle of Crystal that was a gift and you're the only guy ever see order it ...might as well give it to you."

"Oh thanks for thinking of me."

"I wasn't thinking of you asshole, I only think of you in the shower." She changes her look to something naughty.

What did she say? I couldn't have heard that right.

Minutes later, I wait by the front as she takes off her coat. Her button up top has a crease in her collar I though tof fixing. Wow she has a gift. Fantastic. The comedy place is lit such a way that it obscured the roundness of her booty. They were hugging those yoga pants.

"Those yoga pants?" I say wanting to not seem like I was staring at her butt jiggle when I was staring at her butt jiggle. She steps to her bedroom and starts change with the door open.

"Yeah perv, I've seen you sitting there at your seat jerking off to it.

"What?"

She walks by and she has on a yoga top cut off at the stomach. That's so hot. "Why don't you ever talk to anyone?' She says out of view.

"I don't know, there for the show."

"What's your name?"

"Does it matter," I ask.

"Not really." As she puts lotion on her hands.

"What happen, girlfriend dump you?" She walked by the

"uh no," I lie.

"Come on...I bet while you by the comedy club she out with her male friend she told you not to worry about."

"Can't dump you if she doesn't exist" smart. She points to her head and laughs to herself.

If she wasn't so hot I would be upset. "I'm gonna head out" I say not wanting any more insults.

"No wait, I'm sorry. I'm sorry." She exits the bedroom wearing only a black half shirt which barely covers her c-cups and white panties.

"Here, let me make it up to you." She gets on her knees and opens her mouth wide. I don't know if she's being funny or what so I wait. And wait. And wait. When Rachel points to the erection I got bubbling by the zipper, she then points to her wide open mouth. She being serious?

She laughs to herself, getting these hopes up. As she entwers the kitchen to get the bottle she caresses it gently. From the base all the way up. Gettting sexual with it. I accept it as she hands it to me with one hand and at the same time puts another right on the bulge. I wanna say thanks but...do you say thanks?

On she rubs and I'm popping a softy. I reach for the belt to unhook it and she shoos the hands away. "Like everything, never send a man to do a woman's job." At this point I say nothing, as most guys know not to disrupt a woman when she's handing out jibbers.

She takes it out and...frowns. "I was expecting Godzilla I got the Geico ad. I smile as she starts jerking tugging slowly. Get Guinness us on the phone... "Hey put that smile away...you been using yellow strips...huh? This is softer then the Dougboy. If I poke it will you say hee hee?"

She looks up at me and grins. "What's wrong I hurt your feelings?" She kisses the tip and shies away from it like she tasted bad fish. "What?"

"Why is it evey guy thinks his dick is like a sugar and his cum tastes like butterscotch?

Ooh she has a nasty mouth that I wanna throw the dick in.

"Sorry it's just...the last time I was that disappointed in the size of meat I was at White Castle." I laughed a bit at that one and I saw it got her going... the way she was tugging and rocking she was really working.

"What's with the pubes...you trying to grow a forest here to add to the beard you can't grow? Why'd you trim your pubic hears...I thought you wanted trim not had one..." She blows air on the dick which felt real good.

"You like that? Yeah I wasn't trying to be sexy I was just blowing the dust off it. Seriously the last time you had some...was pre internet?"

These jokes seem to be helping the erection stay.

"I didn't even ask if you were hungry, you want something?" Knowing this was the set up to another joke...I shook my head.

"I don't have much, looks like I'm dining on Vienna sausage tonight. I can bait a hook with it. Can you supersize this...

This is starting to get insulting, but she has nice hands and her tug technique is on point. "Oh, and I have to remember to add mushrooms to the shopping list."

Honestly though it looks great, like comic book untouched in plastic. You should walk around with a condom on, preserve it for scientists to discover why it hasn't been touched.

"Now wait a minute."

"You want me to wait, you dick is beside this face and I'm not calling the cops. This is the most exctment you've had since...since...well...it was clear she wanted a response".

"I don't know."

"Of course you know, when was the last time you had a woman as hot as me doing this to you?" I bet you haven't...as your finger's been trying to click on face since I walked out here." She pauses on the hj and looks to me.

"Never."

"You got that right. I'm handing out hj's to the poor and this guy wants niceties. I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong. I have a hand on you dick and you staring at boobs and... you want more."

I shimmy the pants to ankles. She waves a finger blocking the shot.

Easy there Jizzmeister.

"Why no BJ...we gonna have sex?"

...I Don't want you to get me pregnant asshole...besides if you were to try and fuck me with that thing technically it would count as lesbian sex.

"I won't I...I won't baste the turkey" wanting to get a hand on those boobs.

She stares and I wonder if I made a booboo.

You wanna stick yo sausage between those buns? Nice try...best you'll do is a stain on the floor...match your career lookout. Next thing you'll want is to tongue kiss the farter, and no one kisses the farter on the first date.

She takes her hand from the dick and stretches back like she's yawning, raises her hands above her head exposing everything but the top of her cleavage. As she has her hands up she gives a duh expression, as she gets help her take it off.

When I do, luscious c cups plump in the face.

"Those are, those are great," I stammer out.

"Wow a guy who thinks boobs are great, no shit Sherlock! Uh uh uh pretty tits! Thanks."

"Yo face pretty too bitch!" That didn't land. She waits and looks to me like a yutz. "Sorry."

"With game like that it's surprising your Caspar gf left you." Here come the insults. "Hey I heard you dated a fleshlight after her, even took it out to dinner a few times." I back away and she yanks the dick front of her face. "I'm trying to set the mood."

"This is getting uncomfortable." I say truthfully.

"I'm not saying you masturbate, but your hands smell like shrooms. There's so much fur here, if you shave it would be endangered. Compliment me dick!"

You're pretty.

Easy there Nicholas Sparks..."you're pretty...some real panty dropping lines there. You ever pen Hallmark cards, because you totally should. WHat's your usual routine...babble incoherently then cum?"

I've had enough. She applies lube to her hands and stays at it. "You want me talk, I'll talk...you are pretty. You're hot. Those tits aren't bad either." I say full of confidence really needing that it goes over well.

"Why would you try to out talk me. I'm a pro. A pro who has your slimy beast in her hands while I tell jokes...what else do you want?"

"Oh you want a discreet bj...I don't do those" She switches hands and adds a curve to it. Oh you want me shut up? If only I had something in mouth that would do the trick...she takes the dick and puts it in her mouth not touching it with her lips. She pulls it back out, "This pencil will not do the trick. I need a marker. I mean, What you hiding in there...pokemons?

"Why you doing this? I mean this is great, but why you insulting me... "

"A woman's gotta multitask...do you wanna question why I'm doing this...a hot woman with a hand on you and if you ever do a crime they'll get your fingerprints from your dick I mean seriously...I don't have the time, the crayons, and the energy to explain this to you. I kinda stinks..." She says sniffing the penis. "Wash your dick fellas. I mean seriously wash your dick...and ass if you think there's a chance of ass play. Which...there always is... "

What is she talking about?

She starts a bit harder now, looking at me.

"Hey I'm cumming...where you want it?"

She shows her stomach...she takes her shots on the belly. Classy. I blast a shot which completely messes her makeup which falls on her top. Splooge decorating her cleavage like the top.

She looks to me from her soaking face...

"That's what you shoot...I've seen harder shots by the mall Applebees." She wipes her face on her top and takes it off.

"What am I gonna do with it?"

"F off asshole": she stands and looks...finally a smile.