The Darkest Deal

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One girl who makes a dangerous wish to save her family.
1k words
3.93
11.2k
6

Part 1 of the 2 part series

Updated 09/22/2022
Created 08/07/2014
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This is set about 15 years in the future, after the middle eastern war breaks out further. Communications break down between countries and misgivings were given, after the President of Jordan was shot during a peace talk. Countries closed down their borders and started new regime. Britain began a new terror tactic after a bomb destroyed Buckingham palace and half the royal family died in the resulting fire and chaos. New passports were given out, people were being put into prisons, and then camps. Finally street by street soldiers started dragging out people in the middle of the night and shooting groups in the streets. The stories centers around one girl who makes a dangerous wish to save her family.

*****

Chapter One- Misgivings

After another long day of making the bare minimum again, she sunk into her bed. Rubbing her sore eyes, Valaia was happy she even had a job without resorting at working in the factories or worse the brothel. The girls she saw with plastered on make-up and smiles, their souls broken down just like their spirits. She has done well her herself considering her mother being french. She was lucky they had not been deported, imprisoned, or... as she shuddered,shot yet. Listening to the house, sleeping and snoring away her thoughts catching up with her dark mood.

Her father had died during the initial outbreaks on his way home from work. A short typed letter was put through the door while they were waiting from him to come home from a long shift from the prison.

'Dennis Gravees was killed during a prison riot, he suffered a head wound that resulted in his almost instant debt, enclosed is a cheque of compensation.

Mark Lawurence

Office of the new High Chancellor'

Their house was avoided like the plague once that notice was there, they had more surprise inspections from the soldiers and mother lost her job. With no reason other than they could not afford it anymore, Mark her boyfriend moved in with them after his parents disappeared. His parents both being Scottish, they had been a midnight mass and never come home, they don't talk about them very much. It's like if we don't say what happen, then it didn't.

After that the family worked that much harder to not be noticed anymore, her brother James finished school and got a job as a carpenter, he met his girlfriend Sharon. They all lived together in our three bed-roomed house, for some time life was bearable. Sure it was all hard work but they were together.

She worked down at a pub where a lot of soldiers frequently visited, she has worked hard to have an English accent. With no extra money for transport and walking to and from work, she had an athletic body but the reason she earned extra tips were her large DD breasts. She has learnt that a tease here and a smile there helped pay the mortgage. Her arse yet again was red raw from the slaps and pinches from the pigs that were her customers, the locals joined it not as enthusiastically because no-one wanted to look different. If it wasn't for Jack she doubts she could of survived the pub night after night, with a cute half smile and a baby faced complexion. Although he was slim, he was stronger than he looks but he was the same as her and half French. Sometimes leaving notes in French to one another or the occasional sly French swear word or phrases of comfort.

She hadn't looked at him as more than a friend due to Mark and Jack's obnoxious girlfriend Lauren. She was petite and dark haired with a pale complexion, dressing like a goth and wore well outrageous short anything. But Val knew for a fact she was earning money servicing the higher offices that came near the pub and Jack did not know a thing about it, Lauren said she helped out at the local school teaching the kids and babysitting them in the evenings. She sighed, one day Jack would know but right now it was better everyone lived in their delusions.

Turning over to her snoring boyfriend, he was curled up on his side with his hand over his face. Curiously she moved his hand, another scar across his face, working teaching the soldiers to use a sword, Mark was a fencing coach but was recruited by the army after the lock down to help use the sword as they were cheaper to reproduce than the bullets and guns. Mark had taught her to use a blade also and they had some stored in kitchen in case they ever had to escape next to some dried supplies and basic camping gear they had stored over months.

Suddenly he grabbed her hand, she gasped as he moved swiftly to put his weight over her and put his other hand over her mouth. She could practically see his smirk even though it was dark and could feel his arousal growing against her hip bone. Shaking her head and trying to push him off her, he moved his head from her mouth to trial down her neck, across her collar bone. Rubbing her thumb along the side of her breast through her top, before planting light kisses up her neck and sucking on her ear lobe. She let out a shaky breath, he knew what that did to her. Feeling herself moistening by the second, but as he flicked his finger tip over her hardening nipple. She flinched thinking of the soldiers at work especially Captain Paul. He loved making her squirm, the dirty comments, making her bend over to get things and spilling things deliberately down her top. The things he did to her.

Feeling her shaking, Mark thought it was arousal doing some and began moving up his hand up her top, Val was shaking her head no but took her a second to see that he could not see that, so said so out loud;

"Baby, please. I just, I can't... I'm sorry. I love you." Mark moved over pulling her onto his chest and sighed while wrapping his arms around her. He was used to her withdrawing like despite being understanding it still killed him every time. After clinging on to him for some time, eventually she fell asleep. Her dreams were swirls of fear and confusion, a strange golden light and a strong comforting voice she knew but forgot where.

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TJSkywindTJSkywindover 9 years ago
Good start

You have a strong writing style, but sometimes you use the wrong word or there are punctuation errors. The latter happen and can be ignored, but the former can be jarring. An example is using the word 'trial' instead of 'trail.'

The letter itself as a second example:

'Dennis Gravees was killed during a prison riot. He suffered a head wound that resulted in his almost instant death. Enclosed is a cheque as compensation.

This is a fairly short piece so a little more explanation of how things went awry might help. If I gather correctly, a partial French accent is enough to cause one to "disappear"? And why would the result of someone receiving compensation for a wrongful death result in visits by soldiers or make the protagonist a pariah?

Do you have someone to help proofread for you? Again, you have a good, strong style but need help with cleaning up the details. Keep at it!

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