The Darkness

Woah! Hang on just a goddamn minute there. It was nice to know that my brother loved me and all, but this talk of killing me... not good.

"Michael; stop it. Don't you dare speak like that. It wasn't your fault, any of it. You were foolish and made some bad choices but you didn't know that this was going to happen. This is not your fault and you have NOT killed your brother. Ash is going to be alright." Good old Mum.

"But he... he's so..."

"I know," she said more kindly. "I know it looks bad but he's strong and he's stubborn as hell. He's fighting it, I know. He trying his best to come back to us; and I know he will. I know it. Aren't you baby?" I felt someone touch my face and hair: it felt good.

"Why do you keep talking to him? He can't hear us."

Like fuck, you retard. Like you would know. You wait until I can slap your face for talking to Mam like that.

"Oh, I don't know Michael; sometimes I think he can. Sometimes I have a feeling that he's here; close; wanting to come back to us, just not quite there yet. I feel that by talking to him I'm drawing him closer; giving him a reason to keep fighting; to come back."

She took her hand away and started to cry. Oh Mam; I don't need a reason to keep fighting. I will come back I WILL.

The whole exchange exhausted me and when the darkness came again I had no energy to fight it. I remembered that somewhere I had heard someone say that you need to pick your battles. You fight the things that are really important; the battles you need to win. All the rest... just let them go. So I let it go; I let the darkness take me.

After that there were lots of times I found the way back. Sometimes there was a lot of action around me and I felt sick and confused. Sometimes I was drifting and unable to gather any sense; any focus. But sometimes I knew exactly where I was and what was going on around me. I heard my mother and I heard Jay. I even heard the doctors telling them that the longer I stayed asleep the less likely it was that I would wake up.

They started talking about brain damage and organ failure and long term maintenance and the words scared me; but also made me feel angry. What the hell did they know? Brain damage? I wouldn't be thinking like this if I had brain damage... would I? Fuck. I was letting them get to me. I was starting to believe their crap myself. This was my life; mine, and I wasn't about to let them talk me out of it.

So I kept coming back; kept trying to move; to speak; to let them know I was there, but it just wasn't happening. I knew I was tiring; starting to get weaker, more exhausted every time and I knew that there was a chance that I wouldn't be able to keep going; to keep fighting. But I was damned if I was going to stop until I absolutely had to.

And then came that day; the terrible day; the last day. I was having one of my more lucid moments, just lying quietly and listening to everything. Now and again a nurse would come in and do what they did and then leave again. They keep turning me over; I don't know why, but it was nice. I liked it best when I was lying on my side facing the door. I knew it was facing the door because that's the way everyone came from. I liked facing it because then I would be facing Jay when he came.

When I was lying on my side Jay would sit down and bring his face really close to mine when he talked to me. Sometimes I could feel his breath and sometimes he would even kiss me. Those were the times when I knew for sure that I wasn't in hell.

That day though, I was lying on my back when he came in. I knew it was him because of his smell. Lying there with nothing else to do, not even breathe, my senses got really acute and I could hear; smell and feel things that I otherwise wouldn't, when other things got in the way.

I waited for him to touch me; he always touched me, but that day he didn't. He just stood there. I wished I could see his face; see what he was looking at; what his expression was. I thought that I could feel his sadness but I didn't know. It was at times like this that I wanted to cry; I wanted to be able to cry. I could feel his pain and knew I was causing it. Sometimes it was almost unbearable; almost.

It seemed as if Jay was waiting because he stood there for a while, until the nurse came and went and then he sat down and I gave a metaphorical sigh of relief and pleasure. It didn't last long.

Jay took my hand and held it really tight. That's when I knew that there was something wrong. He didn't usually hold it that tight and his hand was shaking. He leaned over and stroked my forehead with his other hand.

"You're so beautiful, Ash," he said and there was something strange in his voice; something that made me really nervous. "You've always been beautiful but, I don't know, since we got together you've been getting more and more beautiful every day." His fingers traced my face, gently brushing my forehead; eyelids; nose; cheeks. If I could have I would have sighed. It felt so good.

"Oh Ash; why did this have to happen? We were happy. I have never been so happy. You have always been the best thing in my life, even before we got together. You're so much better than me. You pull me up. I'm so sorry that I didn't realise that meant that I would pull you down." You what?

"This was my fault. If I had just waited until after school was finished this would never have happened. We could have had the whole summer together and then gone off to college with a clean slate; free to be whoever we wanted to be. But no; I had to rush it: I had to spoil it. It was just... that night... when we were watching the stars. You were so... pure. I loved you so much it physically hurt me. And then you were so... you. I couldn't help myself. I didn't know. I didn't know I was dooming you.

"Why did it have to be you? If they wanted to hurt someone why couldn't it have been me?" Because; if it had been I would have died inside anyway. Because you're stronger than me. Because it was my stupid brother and his stupid friends who did this. I can think of a lot of reasons Jay and every one's a good one; not that it makes any difference to you right now, I'm sure.

"I can't bear it, Ash. I'm sorry but I can't. You were always the strong one; always. Maybe it seemed that it was me but it wasn't. I was the one who pushed forward; who did the fighting and mouthing off... but inside, where it really matters, you were the strong one; the one who always knew what to do; who could always find a way. That's one of the reasons I love you; your strength.

"But I haven't got that strength; that inner calm. I can't do this, Ash. I can't do it on my own. With you by my side I can do anything but without you I'm nothing. I can't cope with this Ash; I never could but... When it first happened I thought I could will you through it; that my love was so strong it would find you wherever you were and bring you back. But I couldn't." Yes you could; you did. You don't know it Jay; not yet but you did. You made me fight the darkness, Jay.

"I've sat here and watched you sleep and I've prayed. I've prayed to everyone I could think of but no one answered." I did. I answered. It was silently but I answered. "I've watched every flicker, every movement. I've watched the numbers on the machines and listened to what everyone's said and I don't have hope any more.

"I know that there are people who have done this for years; sat beside the one they love and waited; kept hope alive in their hearts, but I can't. Maybe I'm weak and a fool. I know it hasn't been long; not that long but... I've heard what they say. No one expects you to wake up, Ash; no one. They are talking about moving you to a long term rehabilitation unit. Rehabilitation? Hah... that's where they put people to fade away when there's no hope; no chance." The bleakness in his voice was chilling. It's as if all emotion had leaked out of him. Although he was still touching me; stroking me I could feel that he'd completely withdrawn and there was nothing but a shell left. Was that how he saw me? I wasn't thinking about what he said; about the plans they had for me, all I cared about was him.

"I couldn't do that, Ash. I couldn't go to that place every day and sit by your side waiting for you to die. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry but I just can't. I know I promised I would never leave you but I can't stay. I just can't stay; not without you."

What? He was leaving? He was leaving me? He was going away and leaving me? No. My heart thudded in my chest; twisting painfully. If I could have I would have shouted at him. 'No, don't go.' But I couldn't. I couldn't even cry. The monitor gave a strange little beep to register the change in the speed of my heartbeat. I'd worked out most of the sounds now and how they related to what was happening to my body.

For an instant I felt Jay tense but then he sighed. "I would have been worried about that, Ash; I would have wondered what it meant; whether you were getting better; worse. I would have told you to hold on... to please, please hold on but..." He stroked my hair and I knew he was looking into my face. I so wanted to open my eyes and look into his.

"They say that even if you do wake up now you probably won't be you any more. I couldn't stand that. I don't know if you are going to wake up or not Ash and to be completely honest at this point I really hope you don't." Wait. What? He wanted me to die now?

"I want to be with you again. I want to hold you and see your smile and look into your eyes and I've lost any hope that I will ever see them again in this life. They keep saying that a miracle could happen and that we shouldn't give up just yet but I have, Ash; I have given up. This should never have happened; never. You are too good for this. You are too good and pure and beautiful for it all to end like this and I can't sit here and watch it happen. It's only been a few weeks but I've watched you slip away a little more every day." No I haven't. "How much longer before I watch you disappear altogether? I can't do that."

What did that mean? 'can't sit here and watch it happen'? Where was he going to go? What was he going to do?

"I love you so much; too much maybe. I can't live without you, Ash and I really, really don't think you are going to come back to me. I know that you are strong and that if you do come back you will understand and forgive me. I want to be with you again. I know that isn't going to happen; not here so... if you can't come to me then I will have to come to you." He sounded more positive; his voice firmer but... Woah. SHIT. Surely he couldn't mean what I thought he meant. He couldn't be thinking of...

That's when I started to fight. Okay, I had been giving it a bit of a go but nothing like this. I was scared; more scared than I can ever remember being in my life. If I didn't get this stupid body working RIGHT NOW my beautiful, beautiful Jay was going to do something really, really bad.

He leaned forward to kiss my forehead. "Goodbye, Ash. Maybe I'm a coward. Maybe I'm a fool but I know that if you could have come back you would have come back. You have no idea what it's been like; sitting here and watching the crap they've been doing to you. When the breathing tube gets blocked they have to suck it out and it makes you choke and your heart goes crazy because you can't breathe while they're doing it. And they have to feed you through a feeding tube. You have tubes and needles in you everywhere and they inject drugs into you twenty times a day. That's all that's keeping you alive and what's the point in that? How can you ever come back to me from this?

"The worst thing of all is when they move you around. Even when they just lift your hand it's so... lifeless. I have never seen you anything but full of... no bursting with life. Even when you were asleep you were always moving. I can't bear this; I just can't. Please understand. I can't live without you and I can't live with you like this."

I was going crazy by then. I knew what he was talking about; I KNEW it and I had to just lie here and let it happen? I had to let the one I love walk out of that room and walk out of life? LIKE HELL I WOULD.

My body was like a lump of lead but my heart and soul were writhing; screaming; fighting. I was literally screaming at my useless body to move: just a bit; just enough. There was nothing on the outside to show the huge struggle that was going on inside. I was screaming and sobbing; begging God; the universe; anyone. 'Please, please don't let him die. Please let me stop him before it's too late. How could I ever live with myself if I let him go now? I can't do it. I can't let him go. I can't let him die. I can't... I can't...'

"Goodbye, Ash. I love you more than anything. I have always loved you. We'll be together soon."

No. No, no, no, no, no. This wasn't happening. This couldn't be happening. I had to... I had to... My stupid, useless body was actually beginning to fight now; struggling to surface. Even the monitors were showing the fight because my heart was speeding up. I didn't need that bloody beep to tell me that. I could feel it hammering in my chest as if it was trying to get out.

Jay kissed me once more and I could feel him withdrawing from me. He paused for a moment. "Oh babe... I don't know what's happening with you right now. You're struggling with something." Yes, you fucking idiot. Make the connection. Wake up. You're as unconscious as I am. You're blind. You fucking IDIOT Jay. "Yesterday I would have been worried about that but it doesn't matter now. Just try and hold on for a few hours. Just a few hours, Ash and I'll be there for you. I'll be waiting and I'll catch you when you fall."

No, fuck it. No. I was not going to let him do this. I was not. I was not. His hand started to slip through mine and I put everything I had into holding on. It was slipping, slipping. My fingers twitched. Great. It was a start but not enough; not nearly enough. He had already let go and I knew he was walking out the door.

"Nooooo." Of course it wasn't a word, how could it have been, but it was a sound. It was definitely a sound.

"Ash?"

Come back. Oh please come back; please, please, please Jay. Please come back. I could feel the hot tears scoring down my cheeks but what good would they do if he couldn't see them? I tried to call his name and made another sound. Had he heard? Would he come back? Please, Jay. Please.

"Ash... are you crying? Fuck, Ash. Can you hear me? Did you hear me?"

Yeah... like I was in any condition to answer. So what else could I do? A respite. He came back but would he stay? I knew that the nurses would be there in a minute; swarming all over me because the machines were going crazy. They would push him out and I would never see him again. Hold my hand Jay. Oh please hold my hand.

When I felt the cold fingers slip into mine I concentrated so hard; threw everything I had into holding on to them and suddenly it was as if I had broken through a seal and Jay yelped as I crushed his fingers. Let him yell; the bastard. After what he just did to me he deserved a few broken fingers.

"Ash. Oh my God Ash. You... you..." Yeah; no thanks to you. Although, maybe it was thanks to him. If he hadn't said what he said I wouldn't have fought so hard and who knows what might have happened. The tears were flowing freely now; a feeling of intense relief making me begin to drift again. But I couldn't do that. I couldn't be sure that if I did that Jay would be there when I woke up.

The darkness was tugging at me but for the first time I managed to ignore it; to thrust it aside. This was just too important.

Oh yeah... I knew what to do. I knew what to do to keep Jay with me. It took a lot of effort; a LOT of effort. Before I achieved it the expected battery of medical staff arrived to poke and prod me, trying to work out what was happening. But they couldn't make Jay leave because I was holding on too tight. They tried to pry his hand away from mine but there was no way I was going to let go; no way at all.

I managed to force my eyes open; just a tiny bit, blinking at the light that was harsh after the darkness. The blinking helped and the blurred, flickering images resolved and I was looking at Jay. He was pale; so pale and I could see that he had been crying... a lot.

I barely noticed that there was anyone else in the room but I couldn't shut them out completely, they were too obtrusive. They seemed to swarm and they were everywhere; nurses, doctors, whoever. They were talking to me, I knew it; asking me questions, wanting things of me; to blink my eyes; to squeeze their hands - but my eyes were busy and the only hand I wanted to squeeze was the one already in mine.

Whatever they did to me I ignored. My eyes were locked with Jay's; willing him to understand; willing him to stay; begging him not to go; not to leave me. He looked stunned, shocked and... scared.

After a while; far to short a while, the darkness started to fight back in earnest. I struggled with it but it kept seeping in and in the end it was sweeping through me in waves and I knew it was going to take me. I was terrified. I didn't want to go to sleep because I was afraid of what I would find, or not find when I woke up.

My grip on Jay's hand was weakening and I fought to hold on; to stop him being taken away. My eyes begged and pleaded with him even as they began to lose focus and slide away from his. He looked... empty, drained, unsure. Mustering one last burst of energy I squeezed his hand and at last he smiled and nodded slightly. The relief sweeping through me pried my fingers away from the edge of the cliff and I fell.

As I woke I knew instantly that something was different. I was more aware of what was happening around me and, when I tried I found that I could move my hand quite easily.

"Ash?" I turned my head towards the sound of the voice and opened my eyes. My mother smiled through her tears and brushed the hair from my face. "Oh baby," was all she said: it was all she could say.

I smiled at her. Wait. I smiled. I opened and closed my mouth a few times and licked my lips. My mouth was dry as dust but it seemed I had finally won the battle with that chunk of plastic.

"Are you thirsty sweetheart?" Was I hell? That first sip of water tasted like nectar from heaven; even though it did highlight the fact that I had a really, really sore throat. I lay back with a sigh and relaxed onto the soft white pillows as my mother stroked my hair. Even though my body was assailed by numerous aches and pains; some small, some not so small; I was content...

Until the memory hit me! I sat bolt upright, although I couldn't sustain it and fell back instantly, gasping with pain. But I was not about to let pain get in my way. "Jay." I gasped through a throat so constricted it could barely let the sound through. "Jay." I had to know. I had to know that he was alright.

"Ssh now, ssh. He'll be here soon. He's not gone far. He's never far away."

"But..."

"Ssh, Ash. You're not strong enough yet. Just relax now. Jay will be here soon."

"No." She didn't understand. He could be... he might be...

"Jay." I insisted and my mother looked alarmed. The monitors were showing my panic again and a nurse appeared as if by magic. She tried to soothe me but I was resolute. "Jay."

"Ash, you need to relax now. If you don't I'm going to have to sedate you again. You don't want that do you?"

"Smug bitch." Oh hell. After so long being able to think but not speak it was too easy to let thoughts slip out of my mouth. I widened my eyes and swallowed but she just smiled and nodded.

"I can see you are feeling better. But you still need to rest; to relax."

"Jay." I said stubbornly.