The Darkness

"It's alright, sweetheart," my mother said quickly. "I'll go and find him. You take it easy and I'll bring him back."

I looked at her anxiously. Bring him back. What if she couldn't? What if...?

"Calm down, Ash. What are you getting so wound up about? Why is it so important for you to see Jay?"

"I came back... for him." I could see my mother's face and it looked sad, disappointed. "And you," I added hastily, "but..." She smiled and touched my face.

"I know sweetheart. I know. You're young and in love and he's the most important thing in your life right now. I understand."

"No." She didn't understand. She couldn't but I couldn't tell her. It wasn't my secret to tell. "I need to..." Damn it was hard to talk. My throat was incredibly sore. "I need to talk..."

"You're not going to be doing much talking for a while."

Fuck you. Butt out bitch. What did this have to do with her? Fortunately, that time I didn't say it out loud. I think she saw it in my eyes because she smiled and patted me. Patted me? Fuck, my boyfriend might be killing himself... right now; and she's patting me!

"Jay." I insisted. "I need..."

"Alright; alright." She threw her hands up in the air. "I don't know what's so goddmn important that you have to talk about it right now... but I'll go and get Jay. Try to rest until I get back."

For God's sake does no one appreciate urgency when they see it? I closed my eyes and ground my teeth. The nurse fussed around me and I had a sudden, terrifying thought. She wasn't... Thankfully she wasn't. She was just fiddling with equipment, checking things and generally hanging around. She must have seen my face because she grinned at me.

"Don't worry; I may be a smug bitch but as long as you take care of yourself I'm happy. No more freaking out: no more threats of needles in the arse. Do we have an understanding?"

"Would you really? Stick a needle in my arse?" My voice was coming back although it was still thick and croaky and hard to force out of my sore throat.

"I might. A girl has to have some fun." Girl? She must be at least 60... well okay, maybe 45.

"I'll try."

"Good boy." She patted me again, smiling and I wondered guiltily if I had spoken the last thought out loud again.

Despite the fear; the frustration; the urgency my eyes started to get heavy. I widened them and glared accusingly at the nurse.

"What have I done now?" she asked, smiling.

"Sleepy," I mumbled, angry with myself that I was so weak.

"Of course you are. You're lucky you're awake at all. You've been unconscious for a long time and the darkness doesn't let go that easily."

My eyes snapped open and I literally gawped at her. "You know?"

"About the darkness?" She smiled and nodded her head. "I've been a nurse for more years than you have been alive. I've had many patients come and go and I've spoken to them about their experiences. Sometimes they have desperately needed to tell someone who would understand and gradually I came to understand."

She sat down on the bench at the side of the bed and stroked my hand. "The darkness is a very scary thing, but it only has a hold over you when you're lost in it. You're not lost any more, Ash. The minute you broke through you weren't lost in it any more. Sleep is just sleep for you now and you need a lot of it, hun.

"I know that you don't want to hear it but if you overtax your body you could make yourself very ill; you could bring the darkness back again. Do you understand? Do you appreciate why we can't let that happen: why, if you keep on pushing yourself we are going to have to sedate you, to keep you calm as your body comes back to life as your mind has?"

"Yes, but..."

"Ash: sleep." The look on her face was sympathetic but stern. She though she knew what I was feeling; what I was doing; what was going on behind my eyes, but she had no idea. I didn't give a crap for the darkness right then. It could have come to me then and there for all I cared; just as long as I could speak to Jay first; to know that he was safe; that he would be there with me. I knew that I could overcome anything; if I could overcome his pain.

"You don't understand."

"I understand that you're frightened and stubborn and..."

"No, really; you don't understand. I need to speak to Jay."

She gave me a long, strange look. "You heard something didn't you? You heard him say something to you that's worried you and you won't be able to rest until you've spoken to him and reassured yourself."

I stared at her, my heart thudding again. How did she...?

"How do I know? Twenty years as a nurse has taught me a lot. I'll make you a deal. If I give you five minutes alone with him do you promise that you will rest properly afterwards?" She gently stroked the hair out of my eyes and the pleasure of her touch almost sent me to sleep right there and then. I sighed and nodded. "Then rest and I promise I will wake you when he gets here."

For a moment, I let her voice and touch lull me and I slipped towards sleep. But then I remembered. What if she couldn't wake me when he got here? What if he never got here? I jerked back to awareness but before I could say anything the door opened.

The relief that washed over me to see him there; standing in the doorway, was almost painful. He looked tired and stressed but he was there; he was alive.

I barely noticed the nurse leave, ushering my complaining mother with her. All I saw; all I cared about, was Jay. Almost hesitantly he walked across the room and sat on the bench. With a great deal of difficulty I managed to turn onto my side so I could see him better. He kept looking at me, not saying anything and I sure as hell didn't know what to say. How can you just come out and say to your boyfriend... 'I know you were going to kill yourself and I really, really need you to tell me that you're not anymore.'? Well, actually it seems simple now but it wasn't something I could have coped with then.

All the time I was struggling he didn't make a move to help me; didn't say a word. I felt a little aggrieved. I didn't realise how shocked he was; how frightened.

"Thanks for the help."

"What?" He seemed to be coming out of a dream. I smiled at him.

"Nothing; it's alright." I nestled my head into the pillow. It felt cool and I had to close my eyes, almost drifting again. No. Couldn't do that. Five minutes she'd said. Five minutes wasn't long and I had already wasted half of them.

I stopped trying to think of what to say and just let myself speak. My voice was harsh and kept disappearing, but I pressed on: the risks of allowing myself to stop were too great not to.

"I liked it when they put me on my side, especially when I was facing the door because that's the way you came in. I could smell your smell before you were even close. I liked the way you'd put your face on the pillow next to mine and I could feel your breath on my face."

Jay's eyes went wide. "You knew? You knew I was there?"

"Of course I did."

"Why didn't you...?"

"I couldn't. In the beginning it was like... It was all so far away. And they I found my way back but it was like I was looking in from the outside. I could hear things sometimes and sometimes I could even feel things... your breath; your touch... but I couldn't move. I tried hard... really hard but..."

"I know," he said in a strange voice. "At the time I didn't, but looking back... All those times when the nurses said you were getting distressed; when they were worried about your heart racing... that was when you were trying to reach us wasn't it?"

"I don't know: probably."

"But you couldn't."

"I never stopped trying. Sometimes... sometimes it was hard. It would have been easier to curl up in the darkness and let it all go away. I almost did... sometimes." It was getting hard to focus and I knew I was sliding. I couldn't let that happen. Before I could go to sleep, I had to...

"You knew when I was here; when I was with you?"

"Yes."

"And you heard me? You heard me talking to you?"

"Yes, sometimes... all of you."

"And you were trying to get back to me?"

"All the time."

He paused, turning his head away. "Did you... did you hear... what...? Did you know what...?"

"What do you think made me push through in the end? I was tired. Every time I came close I tried to get all the way through but I was getting more and more tired and I think that in the end it would have got too hard. But... I heard you Jay; I heard you and I knew what you were going to do and I couldn't let you."

Both of us were crying and suddenly Jay threw his arms around me and pressed his face into my shoulder. "I'm sorry, Ash. I'm so sorry but I truly though you weren't going to come back. I couldn't live without you and I..."

"Hey... it's okay. I understand; I really do. That's why I had to come back; right then... because I couldn't live without you. When I woke up and you weren't here... I was so scared. I... I thought..."

I was fading fast but I still didn't know. I still didn't know.

"Jay," I whispered with the last of my fading strength. He raised his head and looked into face. "Tired Jay. Need... need... but..."

Gently, he smiled and touched my cheek. "Ssh then. You need to sleep now. You need to rest to get your strength back."

"I need... I... need..."

"Ssh, Ash. It's alright; it's going to be alright now."

Fuck it; I was the one who was supposed to be confused and losing the plot. I ground my teeth wondering if everyone around me was stupid... or was I?

"Jay...no; no I..." Dammit. My voice was fading as fast as I was. I knew full well that I only had seconds before I fell asleep and before I did I had to know. I HAD to know for sure. He wasn't listening. He was trying to shush me like everyone else but my stubbornness won through again.

"Jay! Stop." My voice was stronger but it took almost all the energy I had. He frowned at me. "What... you...s...said. I... I need... need to..."

I saw the light go on in his eyes. First he looked stricken and then he smiled and stroked my face. He was crying but smiling at the same time. "It's alright, Ash. I was a fool; a goddamned stupid fool. If I had known you were there... If I had even known that there was a chance you would be..."

"Were you really...?"

"Yes, I was really... I had it all prepared; all set out. I came to say goodbye and I was going to..."

"But..." I was panicking again and tried to sit up but it sent me to the edge and I barely heard him... but I heard enough to let me release my hold on consciousness willingly and sink softly rather than being dragged down.

"I'm not going to leave you, Ash. I am never going to leave you. Go to sleep and I promise I will be here when you wake."

Although I was falling into darkness again it wasn't the darkness and I went willingly, knowing that soon I would rise again and when I did he would be waiting.