The Dawn of Wynter Ch. 03

"It couldn't wait until I returned?" she asked irately, realizing he could see her tears, had probably seen her yelling like a mad woman. Fuck it, she thought, he's already seen me yelling half naked anyways. She turned away from him and sat back down in the grass, drawing her knees to her chest.

"It could have," he replied simply, coming to sit next to her, scooting closer to her when she didn't protest his company.

"That's close enough Frenchie, I'm still not sure whether I want to kill you or not."

Philippe simply laughed his loud infectious laugh. It did wonders to his already gorgeous face, she thought. You really are crazy Zara, she thought to herself, one second you're ripping his throat out, the next you're drooling over his face. She looked away, staring straight ahead at the city. Neither spoke, they just sat in silence, Zara's tears refusing to dry up.

She felt his gaze on her, but she stubbornly refused to look at him. She stiffened when she felt his fingers reach out and brush a tear off her cheek. He felt his heart clench at the pain in her face. Somehow the woman had crawled under his skin and brought forth a feeling he hadn't felt in ages; a furious need to protect.

"It is a shame to see such a beautiful face in such pain...What pains you so, me belle?"

When she did not respond, he switched tactics. He held his arms open wide, gesturing to the view before them.

"C'est magnifique!" he called out loudly, and a little too overzealously, even he cringed. "I never thought I would find a scene to compete with the beauty of Paris, I was mistaken!"

She let out a heavy sigh, realizing he wasn't going to give up very easily. "Why are you here Philippe? You've made sure I'm okay, I'm fine. You can go back and tell my brother I'm not going anywhere."

She knew Kai would assume she would pack up her belongings and leave.

"I disagree chérie, you don't look fine at all. Despite the impressive show of strength you put on for Kai and Stéphane, I see right through it. Your brothers may choose to believe your little act, but I can see plainly that you are scared, confused and most of all angry. "

She stared at him about to reply, her anger igniting quickly, before she blew out a breath and realized he was absolutely right. She was all those things and more. She was confused, unsure of what or who she was, angry at Xander for abandoning her, but more furious he had saved her from death only for her to be put into a world she found she did not belong in. She was scared that all of that would cause her to burst, that she would inevitably push those closest to her away, just as she had Xander. And yet, they didn't need pushing away, they were being taken from her already. This was why she stayed away from Kai and Stephane. She always found her demons were closing in on her the closer she was to home. The past few weeks were a testament to that, she felt more vulnerable and depressed than ever.

"You seemed to have figured out in one week what no one could figure out or understand in two thousand years."

"It is a skill developed with age, and I am older than all three of you put together and much, much wiser" he laughed.

She turned to face him, a smile playing at her lips. "I see your ego only grows with age as well."

"Ah, there she is, Zara is back mesdames et monsieurs," he said in a mock reporter voice, ducking when her hand came to hit him. They sat in silence a while longer.

"Who is Xander?" he finally asked, trying to get her to open up to him.

She didn't reply for a long time, and he thought she would just ignore him, before she quietly said, "He was my maker."

Philippe didn't say anything, he sensed she would speak on her own, and if he pushed her to divulge anything, she would shut down. What he found most interesting was he was truly curious. He wanted to hear her story. He knew Xander left out a lot of the details, and he found himself curious as to what shaped the woman before him.

"I haven't seen him in almost seven hundred years," she whispered, "I was angry and I hurt him. I haven't seen him since. I'm afraid you've only had a small taste of my fury Philippe, it is nothing compared to what I did to him."

Philippe knew this. He knew Xander's reasoning to remain distant, however much he did not agree with his friend.

"Why did you say you should have died?"

She didn't need to ask what he was referring to; she knew he heard her conversation with Kai. Suddenly, she felt glad he had heard it, relished in finding someone she could speak to, who wouldn't say things just to make her feel better. She knew Philippe would be blunt and honest, and he wouldn't speak unless he found it necessary.

"I was twenty three. I lived with Kailan and my mother, in a beautiful home in Rome. My father was always off dealing with political matters. We had everything anyone could want. Money, power and status. At the time, women were used for nothing less than tools, bartered for the highest bidder in order to gain status amongst the wealthy, or to increase your capital and such.

I was no exception. I was ordered to marry a man named Nicolaus. He was an older general, in his forties, seeking to join the higher echelons of society, and he had the money to pay for me. A marriage to a senator's daughter would ensure him the position he sought after, and it guaranteed my father an army should he ever need it. I begged my parents to stop it, I couldn't marry him, and I had heard such horrible rumours about how he treated his maids and women. The help always talks, and what I heard was enough to scare a grown man.

My family did not know at the time but I was in love with another man, Antony. He was young and just beginning to enter the world my father dominated, and so he could not provide anything of worth to my father's mission to gain more power; definitely not an army. I met him at various social gatherings and we got to know each other. His family were considered middle-class, not good enough for my parents. Kailan was the only one who knew, he did not like the thought of me with Nicolaus, for he too had heard of his reputation, and so he encouraged me to run away with Antony.

And so we did, granted we no longer lived the lives of high ranking socialites. We didn't really care, we were happy to be free of it. We lived by the sea in a small village, somewhere I thought no one would come looking for us. We had been there for about a year when I got pregnant. It was one of the happiest moments of my life, to know I had such an amazing thing growing inside me. Antony was beside himself with joy," she smiled looking out in the distance, seeing something Philippe could not.

"We should have known it was too good to be true because a war had begun that same year and there were armies marching through cities and villages seeking food and shelter. I was out in the market one day and I suppose Nicolaus had seen me there. He followed me home that night. He and his men stormed our home and restrained both of us. Nicolaus said I had nerve to run from him. I belonged to him and so it was considered stealing. The punishment for that was death. He said he wanted to have little bit of fun first. He raped me repeatedly and made Antony watch while he beat me and used my body. He fought for hours, tried to stop it, but there were too many. His men murdered Antony in front of me, and I was helpless to do anything to stop them. He was raping me while I watched them stab him to death," she whispered the last few words. Her eyes were cold, living a distant memory. She could hear Antony's screams, mixed with hers, begging for it to stop. She squeezed her eyes shut, pushing away the details of that night.

"I lost consciousness at some point, the only thing I remember is Nicolaus forcing me awake and saying I was an excellent fuck before he knocked me unconscious again. I learned later that they threw me out onto a rocky bluff, by the ocean. I remember waking up few times and smelling the salty air. I was in so much pain, I couldn't move. I don't know how long I lay there, it felt like days. I was bleeding badly from the beating, but I had also miscarried. I felt my life draining, and I welcomed it. I had been so happy, but I didn't deserve any of it. I was living someone else's life and I paid for it dearly. I was taken from the man I loved, and from the child that was barely the size of an apple before it died within me.

Xander found me eventually, the smell of my blood drawing him to me. I don't remember much, except seeing his grey eyes. They held such kindness; I knew I'd be okay then. I woke up a few days later, in my new life. All my physical wounds were gone, but I felt such anger at the man who had taken me away from the future I had. I was so angry Xander could not stop me and he was at least four times my age at the time. It was the first hint of my unusual abilities. He had no idea how to control me or my anger. In hindsight, I think it was more a deep sadness...

I made my way along the same routes soldiers were marching until I came to Nicolaus' regiment. I waited until night and I snuck into his tent. The look on his face when he saw me was priceless," she laughed humourlessly, "I killed him slowly and then the men who had murdered Antony. Even then I still held anger. My father was the reason Antony was dead. He had to pay for it with his life. I returned home one night, and found him in his quarters. He was with some whore. I snapped her neck before she could call anyone and I turned to face him. He just stared at me for the longest time before he spat at my feet and said it was a shame Nicolaus hadn't ensured I was dead. I laughed in his face.

"But I am dead father. I am as dead as the husband and child you took from me. I will take my vengeance now. You will pay for their lives with your own." Tears were streaming down her face, her eyes glowed in the dimly lit room as her body trembled in anger.

Her father looked at her in disgust, but she saw the glimmer of fear in his eyes. They darted from the whore collapsed at her feet to her and back to the door, which she was blocking.

"You are an abomination!" he spat.

She laughed at him, "An abomination you created father. Tell me, were you happy when you learned that I was killed? Did you relish in the fact that Nicolaus murdered Antony and my child before throwing me over a cliff like a dog?"

"Yes," he replied cruelly, "I enjoyed hearing my whore of a daughter got what she deserved."

"Even after all this time father, all you can think of is yourself." She shook her head. "I won't kill you tonight, I will show you the mercy you couldn't show me or my family. But know this, I will be watching you father. You shall live the remainder of your pitiful life stripped from the only thing you love and seek; power. You will live your life away from politics, away from women and whores, away from mother and brother. You will give all your wealth to them and never look back. That is you punishment, death is too merciful for you," she spat. "Come tomorrow, you shall announce you sudden change of heart to the Senate and join the priests and priestesses in the temple and devote your life to the Gods and pray they forgive the horrors you have caused."

"What makes you think I would do any of this," he asked defiantly.

She flew towards him, her hand closed around his throat with such force his feet left the ground, "Because with one simple flick I can have your body snapped in two. I am no longer your weak and scared daughter." She threw him aside and began walking out of his chambers. "If you value your life as much as I believe you do, you will carry out as I said, or I promise I will kill you."

When it was over, I felt so empty. I had lost my first love, my child, and my dearest Kailan, as I knew I would never be able to reveal myself to him. Xander found me some time later. He tried to piece me back together afterwards, but I didn't want it. He didn't understand at the time, but I felt things ten times worse than other vampires, everything was magnified for me, more so than normal vampires. He saw all the strange things I could do, but didn't say anything right away.

I learned my mother had died a year later, she was so distraught at my death; she was told I was killed by thieves while walking to the market. I would check up on Kai occasionally, make sure he was living and happy. Xander let me grieve and I walked around like an empty shell. It wasn't until around three years later that Kai spotted me in the market. It was a stupid mistake on my part and I was so scared, he was supposed to think I was dead, but he saw me and I couldn't resist talking to him. I supposed deep down I wanted him to see me. I missed him so much. I had never lied to him in my life, and I told him what happened, what I was. He immediately asked me to turn him. He hadn't married anyone, and had no ties to the community anymore, so no one would notice his absence; that was his argument.

I was so elated; my brother hadn't turned me away as I thought he would. I turned him, much to Xander's fury. He quickly saw however, that I was coming out of the shell I was in, now that my brother was back in my life. It was then he told me how I was different. He helped me, mentored me, and tried to help in reigning in my emotions so I wouldn't do anything foolish. Kai helped too, he always knew how to calm me. They were my two burning suns in a world that had gone so dark for me..." she trailed off, her voice growing hoarse from talking so long. The sky was beginning to lighten as she sat engrossed in her past; Philippe stunned by what this one woman had gone through. He found his respect for her growing while she recounted her past. They were not all that different. He too had experienced horrible losses as a human and early in his vampire life.

"You deserved it," he said quietly, she looked up at him shocked, "You deserved that happiness; the life that was taken away from you...you said you didn't deserve it, but you did..."

"I didn't...I took what wasn't mine. A life that belonged to another woman in a different time. If I had just married that beast, Antony would have lived."

"Yes, but you wouldn't have. You wouldn't be here today, he would have killed you, slowly. Zara, you're a fool, but not for the reasons you say. You're a fool for thinking your life isn't worth anything. Au contraire ma cherie, you are worth so much more than you know.

"Who knew, Philippe Desmarais has a heart."

"I speak the truth that is all," he said matter-of-factly.

They sat quiet for a moment longer before Philippe asked, "Why is it you have not seen your maker in so long...you sounded inseparable."

She sighed, the memories flooding back, it seemed her past didn't want to stay there; it was pushing forward with such a vengeance tonight. She looked out at the city, rising with the sun.

"I said things to him...things I should not have said. I hadn't come to terms with my new life, let alone settled my old one. Even now I struggle with myself. On top of it, I was labeled as an oddity among vampires, I didn't feel I belonged. I still don't. We got into an argument one night and I lost it..."

"Damn it Xander, I can't control it! I never could! And you sitting there telling me to try to every five bloody seconds isn't helping the matter!" she yelled, kicking open the door to her room. They had just come back from a tavern, where she had nearly killed a group of men for grabbing her.

"Zara, you can't let your temper out of control like that! If the Vyrkaryan were to learn of you...I know it is difficult but you have to learn to rein it in! You are not like the rest of us! You could decimate an entire city for all we know! " he yelled back.

"Do you think I don't know that Xander!" she shrieked, "You have been reminding me every fucking day that I'm not normal! I curse the day I met you Xander, why didn't you just let me die! It would have been much better than living like this with you!"

Her words struck him like a slap in the face, "Stop feeling sorry for yourself Zara, it's only been thirteen hundred years, it's getting old don't you think?" he replied harshly.

"Fuck you Xander," she growled, "I'm sorry I don't live up to your expectations of a mate!" she saw the look of shock cross his face, "Yes, did you think I didn't know? You selfishly turned me to find a life companion and that you have been hoping I would fall for you like I did for Antony?" she sneered at him, her vampiric side taking over, not caring that she hurt him. "How could I love a man who made me what I am? You saved me, only to turn me into a monster. I fucking hate you Xander Mavros, I hate you with every fibre in my being!" she screamed, pulling at her hair.

"Zara, you will not speak to me in such a manner," he said in a stone cold voice.

"Or what Xander? What could you possibly do to me that you haven't already done? I'm a freak!" she yelled hysterically, "You turned me into one and remind me of it every day! You took me away from the peace I could have had in death and I turned into an indestructible woman. Is this my punishment? Am I in hell Xander?

"Zara...", he sighed looking at her with a deep sadness in his eyes, "you see a freak, I see an extraordinary woman. You just have to learn to control this, own it, instead of allowing it to own you."

"How am I meant to control this?" she asked, laughing humourlessly and pointing to herself as she let go of everything that was holding her together.

Her eyes shone bright, her body rippled with the release of her energy; she could feel her muscles relax, after having held on so strongly. She felt herself lift from the ground, the objects in the room began to tremble and move towards her like a magnet. She lost all control and saw Xander buckle to his knees at the torrent of her strength, he screamed in agony as she drew from the elements closest to her, the fire burning brightly in the center of the room. She was burning him, small blisters forming on his beautiful skin, yet he did nothing to try and protect himself.

Just then Antoinette burst into the room; her eyes took in the scene and grew wide with shock. She began chanting in a low voice and Xander's screams ceased immediately.

"Zara," she said in a low, calm voice, "stop this. Now!" she yelled when she saw Xander collapse completely flat out on the floor.

She laughed loudly, "Yes, Toni, I will stop it."

She was so far gone now, her body relishing at the release she could not bring herself to stop, to take back control. She closed her eyes, drawing from the fire again, only this time burning herself. She would put an end to all the pain. Her own pain, the pain she caused Xander by not loving him back, the pain she had inflicted on many people unintentionally. The pain she still carried with her from her previous life. She held in the screams that wanted to rip from her throat. She deserved this pain.

She heard yelling somewhere, but tried to drown it out. She then felt someone tackle her, taking her down. They had both landed hard on the wooden floor, the breath knocked out of her. Her eyes whipped open and she saw Kai on top of her, holding her down, his own hands burning at the contact. He groaned in anguish, but never pulled away.

"Zara, what the fuck do you think you're doing?! Are you crazy?"

She was pulled out of her trance and immediately pulled the reins back onto her powers. She would not hurt her own brother. She cursed him for making her stop, cursed the love she felt for him. They were both panting, he from the sting of the blisters on his palms, her from the unusual sensation of fully letting go.