The Detective

"She's been talking with Helen a lot and Helen's forgiven her. I see the way she's been here for you, so I have to say she has my vote. What you do is up to you but believe me, whatever the reason she fucked up, it isn't because she doesn't love you.

"Oh yeah, one more thing. Seems Mr. Lawyer is complaining to the city that the cops are giving him a hard time and there is no reason for it, but his complaints have gone on deaf ears. He was asked to submit his resignation by the partners in his law firm, and it has been suggested he consider relocating to some other state. Last I heard, he was giving it considerable thought. It was passed on to him that maybe the seizure of a dime bag of 'H' found in his car during a stop for a traffic violation could go away if he does as suggested.

"Pete, you've got a lot of friends in this town and a woman who loves you more than life itself. Give it some thought."

I watched him leave and thought about what I was going to do. I was due to be released tomorrow and I had to make a decision as to where I wanted to go. I had been living in the apartment at home and that was still my best bet but I wanted to be sure. I decided to discuss it with Carol when she came back.

Carol walked in soon after and sat down beside the bed. She was quiet and I looked at her closely. The strain on her face was clear to see and she looked like she hadn't been sleeping well. Maybe it was concern for me and maybe it was worry over the upcoming divorce. I wasn't sure of anything anymore. That was one of the side effects of infidelity: the loss of trust and confidence.

"Carol, you know I'm being discharged tomorrow?"

She looked up, meeting my eyes for a change. "I know. What do you want to do?"

"What do you want me to do?"

She took my hand, looked down at it as she said, "I want you to come home where you belong. Our home, yours and mine, where I can take care of you and the kids can see that you're back with us and everything is going to be OK."

That's what I wanted as well. I remembered the last thought I had when I got shot. The last thing I remembered was that I was sorry we hadn't had the chance to work things out and that I hadn't tried to forgive her. I also remembered the pain I felt at the possibility that I could lose them all. Maybe the shooting was a wake up call. A warning to me that I could easily lose it all in an instant. And I didn't want to die alone. My dad once said something to me when I was angry at a friend who did me wrong. He said "do you want to be angry or happy? You can't be both." He was more right than he knew.

Carol deserved the chance to explain her actions and she deserved a second chance. I had no right to be judge and jury since we were together in this marriage. We had kids and a home together. I wasn't alone and I had no right to make a decision that affected everyone and suited only me. She broke the agreement we made when we married but we both promised for better or worse. I couldn't invoke one part of that agreement and ignore the rest.

"OK, let's go home. Let's try to see if we can't get past this and survive. I'm willing to try."

Her look of love and devotion was enough for me to think that we had a chance. A real chance to stay together as a family.

Epilogue

I did return home and I recovered completely from my gunshot wound. I was back on desk duty in four weeks and back to full duty in six months. Ed and I solved our share of cases and I made Lieutenant. Ed made detective first class but he sort of stopped there. It was his choice. I eventually got a promotion to Captain and a division of my own and life went on. I missed being on the job but this was safer by far. Carol celebrated when I got my promotion and my desk and I understood why. I was reminded on cold days when my chest hurt.

Carol and I fought back and learned to be a couple again. Her new job was more demanding but it was also more transparent. She made sure I knew where she was at all times and never stayed late without a call to me and an explanation. She introduced me to all her coworkers and made sure I knew who was who. She told me to call her anytime for any reason and she would always answer. She did everything she could to make me trust her again and I finally felt able to do that.

We made love for the first time three months after I returned home. It took longer than I expected because I continued to fight the visions that would flare up at odd times. Before we made love, I had Carol tell me everything that she and Jeff did. She hated it but she did it and I had to admit, it was far less damaging than my imagination had provided.

I had nightmares for awhile, some of the shooting and some of Carol and her lover. I can't tell you which were worse. Carol seemed to be able to tell which ones were about her and she would try her hardest to be loving during those times. It did help some. I think her suggestion that we try some new positions and new experiences helped as well. As she said, I would be her first in all we tried. My ego liked that.

We got back to almost where we were before her affair. The kids grew, went on to high school and then to college and we stayed together. The kids got married, had grandkids and we stayed together. We were husband and wife. We loved each other and we cared for each other. But here's the thing. We never made it all the way back.

There was always that small doubt that lived in the back of my mind every time she was late, or out past the time she said she would be home. I watched her when we were out at parties or at a friend's barbecue. I wondered who called when the phone rang and she answered it. At odd times, I would look up and watch her face when she wasn't aware. I hesitated when she said she wanted to go out with friends and always stayed awake when she was out late. It was hardest at first and only gradually got better with time.

Did she ever cheat again? No! I knew that and I knew that she never would. She told me once that the worst part of cheating wasn't getting caught, or paying a price, or losing my trust. She said those things would slowly come back and I could even learn to believe in her again. She said the worst part of what she did was seeing the pain in my eyes when I learned of her betrayal. She said she never forgot that. She said it still woke her at times when she least expected it.

And she said she saw the occasional flash of doubt in my eyes even now, years later. She said the pain she felt when that happened was worse than any pain she had ever experienced. She said it was worse than childbirth. So, we both paid a price for her mistakes. Both of us!

Are we happy together? Yes, we are happy and we're where we want to be; with each other. But could it have been better? Yes. If she hadn't cheated it would have been better. I still sometimes feel angry at the loss, but I did say 'for better or worse.'

Consequences are a bitch!