The Devil in Devlin

As far as my feelings for him were concerned, I just woke up one day and decided I was in love with him. It was a thousand little things that suddenly coalesced in my sleep to help me see him clearer than ever before, and it filled me with amazement that I even could talk and spend time with Dakota every day. There were no harps... oh wait, that's death— anyway, no schmaltzy choirs of angel's music or lines of poetry running through my head. He was beautiful inside and out and he made me a better person just being around him. I fell so hard.

Uh... yeah, that was the problem; we were both male. I was gay, and he wasn't. End of the painful, bitter story. I was not going to moon over some guy I could never have.

To be on the safe side I started making excuses not to spend so much one-on-one time with him. Not that I didn't trust myself around him, but we steered away from the privacy. Instead of studying at his place in the afternoon when his parents were still at work and his younger sisters were happy with free, unsupervised rein, I directed him to the school library for an hour, using the excuse that I had to look up research for a term paper. Instead of rushing downstairs as soon as Dakota showed up at our house, I hung back until another arrival provided a safe second set of eyes. It was a tricky situation, working to make it look like I was treating him the same so he wouldn't ask questions even as I pulled away.

I was not going to lose my perspective and make an ass of myself. I was not going to fall into some fucked up delusion that he could love me. Having just found friends, it would be suicide to allow Dakota to see my heart. I had to hold on to my pride, swallow my feelings and just finish the damn school year so I could get out of there.

Fate fucked with me but good!

It was the second Friday in April, and I had sent Caleb home ahead of me because I was meeting Dakota to help him study for a Government test. He was doing very well in the class and his semester grade now stood at a B-. Several times I had suggested that he didn't need my assistance anymore, but he would get this alarmed expression on his face and plead with me not to quit on him. What the hell, I could be cool and if we were in a public place, I was relatively safe. Despite my dilemma, I enjoyed being with him too and it gave me an excuse to see him more often.

My locker was located in the six hundred wing along the outside wall of the long brick building housing the math classrooms. I had been delayed by my 6th period art teacher, and I was just swapping out my English textbook for my binder. I heard footsteps to my left rear and turned my head, surprised to see Dakota striding towards me. Lovingly familiar, he made my heart start to jump at the mere sight of him, although there was a little bit different in him that I didn't get right away. He usually waited for me in the library, but since school had ended thirty minutes before, maybe he thought I'd forgotten.

"Hi," I said casually, checking to make sure I had everything we needed. "Just a minute..."

Dakota moved directly behind me and twirled me around with a gentle but firm push to the shoulder. I found myself plastered against the neighboring metal door with him far too into my personal space for comfort.

"Dakota, what..." I protested, but he didn't give me a chance to finish. With a quick glance in both directions down the hall to ensure we were alone, he plucked my binder out of my hands and deposited it back where it came from. I felt him rest his body against me as his hands immobilized my head, and the next thing I knew, his soft, full lips were covering mine. My mouth had already fallen open in shock, so he had no trouble sticking his tongue inside to begin coaxing my own to life.

I loved it. Realizing I was with Dakota who apparently wasn't as straight as everyone else said he was. Kissing him felt awesome, and I now realized the difference in him- he had removed his snakebites. Maybe he thought I wouldn't like them against my own lips, but I could feel the ball on his tongue as it passed over my muscle. I wanted to give in to the bliss of that gliding tongue, the way we both moaned and how he was taking my breath away. The sweetness of his strong hands holding me, firm but not forcing. His mouth worked against mine and I gave it right back and melted into his hot body.

I let it happen but at the same time I could see myself in the third person. Backed against the lockers, standing out in the open where any coed or teacher could walk by and see us. 'Devlin and Dakota, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G...' The old nursery rhyme flared to life. Sudden and kind of frightening, for a few seconds, I felt alive in a way I never had before.

Just for maybe a count of five until sanity returned; then, one startling thought broke loose from all the rest and crystallized. This was not supposed to be happening. I was gay, but Dakota was straight and shouldn't be doing this, especially not at school. Despite his promise to me, I instantly identified the culprit. Caleb must have told Dakota I was gay and this was a test to see if it was true. I went cold, fully expecting Esdy and Justin to jump out at me from behind nearby lockers, and I reacted automatically.

"Get the fuck off me." In rage I shoved Dakota backwards with all my might. I had to think fast and react faster, even if it meant going completely against my own ideals to dispel the notion that even a tiny part of me was gay. Adrenalin kicked in and took over my instincts to give me the strength to deal with the six inches he towered over me and his extra thirty pounds. Fight or flight, you know? Either would work as long as I wasn't pinned under him against the lockers with his tongue in my mouth.

I know I didn't do more than shove, but he responded as if I'd punched him, suddenly jumping out of the way and regarding me cagily across three feet of dirty, trash-strewn cement. His chest heaving, his violet eyes were huge, pupils blown in lust, and he was trembling.

"What the hell is wrong with you, Dakota?" I screamed, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. "Who do you think you are to just randomly walk up to somebody you barely know and kiss him like that?"

"Barely know?" He sounded so wounded. "I thought we were friends."

"Friends don't do that to friends, ass-hat." Now I was the one shaking but in anger. "Damn it, kissing me?"

My fists had come up to defend myself in case I didn't make myself clear, and when he saw them- really looked at me- it was like he collapsed on the inside.

"Sorry, sorry... I'm so sorry," he began to mumble, backing up. He held his hands out in front of him, palms forward in supplication and abject shame draining the color from his face. "Please... please, I am so sorry, Dev. You don't have to... Please don't tell anybody. Please... I'll just leave. I'm sorry."

Whirling, he took off in the direction of the parking lot as if a banshee was after him. I banged around in my locker collecting my sketchbook and science notes for a Monday test. On second thought, fuck the test, fuck the drawing. I dumped everything back inside and slammed the door before running off in the opposite direction towards home. Yeah, Caleb had already left, but I could cover the usual ten minute drive in fifteen with a little hard running and by cutting through business parking lots and the field behind our house.

"Caleb," I roared, thundering through the front door. I had barely broken a sweat but I was even angrier now than when I left school. "Jesus Christ, where are you, Caleb?"

He stuck his head out from the kitchen, his mouth a round O. "Devlin, you used the Lord's name in vain!"

"Don't be a child," I muttered scornfully, striding towards him feeling like I wanted to pound him. He backed up before my fury. "Why did you do it? Why did you tell Dakota I was gay?"

"I didn't," Caleb squeaked, ducking under my arm to run into the living room. I followed him. The shock on his face was still very apparent but it had switched to a completely different kind. Less of a 'tell me you didn't just say that' look and more of a 'have you lost your mind?' one.

I regarded him skeptically. "So I'm supposed to believe that you had nothing to do with Dakota getting all freaky on me after school?"

"Why? What's wrong?" There was a third switch of facial expression in nearly as many seconds, his features now etched in dread and anxiety.

"Dakota kissed me."

"Damn it," he gasped, turning pale and sitting down hard on the couch. "I warned him..."

It was my turn to regard him, dumbfounded. I never thought I'd hear the day when Caleb Simmons swore. He warned Dakota? His genuine worry rumbled through my numb brain, and my anger dropped from me immediately. "You don't seem all that surprised."

I heard Caleb groan as he shook his head, his face lined with... I really wasn't sure. Definitely misery, some indecision, but mostly defeat. "I don't know what to do," he whispered helplessly. "It goes against everything I've been taught about God since I was a little boy, and yet... he's my friend, Dev. Dakota is my friend."

I was starting to understand, but I still couldn't believe it. "What's going on, Caleb?"

"First, tell me what happened," he demanded. "Everything from start to finish, and don't leave anything out."

I gave him the long version of events, and he let me talk in silence without interrupting me to ask questions. But after I related how Dakota had run off, assuming Caleb was partly responsible for his behavior, I had several, like why he'd kissed me. But even without him saying, I already knew the answer.

The blonde boy sighed and turned sorrowful eyes in my direction. "Kody is gay, Devlin, or at least, he thinks he is. He half believes he's in love with you, but I swear I never said a word to him. Not once, not even after he told me how he feels about you."

I was stunned to find out that Dakota and I had unknowingly been on the same emotional page. But that would mean...

Caleb was already ahead of me. "Can you imagine what would happen to Dakota if he came out?" He sounded heartbroken, and I could tell he was struggling not to cry. "With the way people in our church feel about homosexuals? I've known him since we were seven and I couldn't stand to see all our friends turn their backs on him or have his family throw him out of the house... or worse. It's been eating him up inside, hiding what he is, and where would he go if he admitted it, since all his friends have parents just like his?"

I believed Caleb was telling me the truth and hadn't outed me. I was already beginning to feel terrible about the way I'd overreacted. There must be some way to go back and fix this, but first I had to know the details.

"When did you find out?"

"He stopped by one afternoon over Christmas vacation, and he was a mess. He told me he had been feeling a growing attraction to... to boys for well over a year, but up until recently he was in complete denial. What changed things was the first day he saw you at school. At last it was made clear to him, love at first sight, but he was so scared, Devlin. He said that since you were straight, you would probably get mad if you found out and never accept him, and he begged me not to tell you. And what could I do since I promised you the same thing?"

I closed my eyes, feeling like a total douche. I had reacted exactly the way Dakota expected, done exactly what he was afraid of. I couldn't have mirrored his fears better if I'd been handed a script.

"The more he got to know you, the more he admired you. You aren't the first foster kid my parents have taken in, but you're so much different from the others. Nicer. You don't have a chip on your shoulder or put up a front to act like a bully. That's why I hoped we all could be friends. Kody wanted to hang out with you, and I thought it would be a good idea. Seeing as you're gay too, I thought you would be a good influence on him even if I had to keep your secret. And I halfway hoped..."

He took a deep breath as if to expel some foul thought from his head. "A couple weeks ago he threatened to tell his family and trust for the best. I tried to convince him to wait until next fall. He would be going away to school, and at least then it wouldn't matter, not like living at home. He's on scholarship, and his parents would be unable to control him financially. Any university would provide the security to protect him when it all went bad... which I know would happen. He settled down and agreed to wait, and I thought he was fine."

"What changed," I asked softly. I, too, had sensed Dakota's growing unease when we were together but I never would have guessed this.

"Graduation is in two months." He lifted his shoulders helplessly. "But it doesn't make sense. It isn't like he's going to lose track of you afterwards. Did you know he's going to San Francisco next year for college? The same school as you, even though his parents are horrified because of the area's reputation."

Caleb scrubbed a hand over his face. "I've read up on the internet about gay teenagers, and... uh... what they do when their friends and families reject them. It's scary, Devlin. He's like my brother, and after what went down today, I'm afraid he'll..."

I kind of choked up because now I was beginning to get scared too; scared for the man I loved. I was concerned over the horror I'd seen in his eyes once he realized I was angry and why. Of course, he would never lead me on by kissing me if he didn't mean it. Blowing this totally out of proportion by not taking Dakota's gentle nature into consideration when he approached me at school, I had behaved rashly by hiding my own feelings for him, even if out of ignorance and fear. And with my rejection, what would he do next? If Dakota was as desperate as Caleb feared, he might be reckless enough to do himself harm.

Dakota had been dealing with this confusion for so long, and he needed my empathy, not my condemnation. He had no way of knowing how much I cared about him, and I was the only one who could truly help him. I could make this whole problem go away- well, maybe not the homophobia from the community- but I could offer him the support and tenderness he needed to guide him through it.

"Caleb," I said quietly. "If I tell you a secret will you promise not to share it with anyone but Dakota?"

He looked at me, curiosity warring with concern on his face. "You know I'd never say a word."

I looked down at my feet and tried not to blush, but admitting my feelings to someone I had convinced myself not to trust wasn't easy. After my father, Caleb was now the only person I could confide in, at least until I could tuck Dakota into that circle.

"I'm in love with Dakota too," I whispered. "I have been for weeks."

Caleb's eyes went wide and a huge grin broke out on his face. "Thank you, God," he breathed, and when I shot him a suspicious glare, he added with a shrug, "I prayed for this, for a peaceful resolution that would work out the best for both of you. You don't have to believe it."

I didn't. As far as I was concerned, I was like a bug to God. Here I am, step on me.

Caleb tried to call Dakota on his cell phone, but not surprisingly he didn't answer. I told him to leave him a message and say we'd talked and I understood the whole story now. At this stage, we didn't want to freak out if Dakota was safely at home, nor did we want to freak out his family by rushing over there. We talked about what to do next and decided to wait. Not true, Caleb decided to wait and, as the logical one who admonished against panic, I let him talk me out of it.

Bad move! Three hours later Caleb found me in my bedroom after a tense supper, trying to derail my thoughts by doing homework, and if I thought he had been worried earlier, he was ready to crawl out of his skin now. Justin had just texted Caleb asking if he knew where Dakota was. His anxious parents, who swore their son was never late or somewhere he wasn't supposed to be, hadn't been in touch with him since he left the house that morning and were ready to pronounce him officially missing.

No one had seen Dakota since he left me at school. He had obviously driven home at some point because his truck was parked in front of the house, but his sisters said he didn't go inside. Meaning it had been four and a half hours since he left me and he was wandering around on foot in the dark. Even though Caleb had tried to call him all afternoon, he wasn't answering his cell phone. For anybody, not just him. He was either ignoring the calls or he no longer had the use of his mobile. Or something worse had happened.

Giving Caleb a dark look for not following my intuition, we climbed in his Jeep just as he received a call from his parents requesting that he go to the Brewsters' and help the members of the church try to find Dakota. We drove to their house, and the Simmons' SUV was parked near the corner. A police car was pulled up to the curb, and the place teemed with adults and young people.

Amber Simmons rushed up to Caleb and me when we walked through the front door. I think she was a little put off to see me, but she didn't mention it. My focus was on Dakota's parents, and we edged closer. I overheard Mrs. Brewster tell a uniformed officer that nobody had seen Dakota since school ended at 2:45.

I cleared my throat. Caleb threw me a glance that begged me not to do anything stupid. I had no intention of it.

"Excuse me," I offered quietly. "I saw Dakota later than that. It was closer to 3:15."

You could have heard a pin drop; the place went silent so quickly. Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared at me. "Go ahead, son," the officer prodded. I heard several kids scoffing in the background.

Randy and Amber moved up behind Caleb. I looked at the policeman's jacket, and the name 'Brown' was on the shield pinned to a pocket. I wondered if this was the same Brown who sat on the church board of directors who Randy had mentioned once working with. Any hope I'd had of coming clean with the cops and telling them the real story evaporated. Not to mention, the captive audience glaring at me with mistrust radiating off them as if they expected me to admit I was an axe-murderer who had dispatched Dakota myself.

"I've been tutoring him in Government, and today was a study day," I stated. "Normally we meet up in the library but I was detained so it was around half an hour after the last bell. I was at my locker in the six hundred wing collecting the supplies we needed when he ran past me. He was heading towards the parking lot and looked upset." So far that was a partial truth but all they really needed to know.

"Did he say why?"

Over his shoulder I saw Caleb flinch. I swallowed hard and tried to look nonchalant. "No, sir."

Randy bobbed his head, indicating me, and spoke up. "This is our foster son, Lonnie. His name is James Royce..." I saw Caleb make a face at them behind their backs for addressing me by my middle name. "...and if he says he saw Dakota, you better trust that he's telling the truth."

The cop asked me a few more questions but nothing probing and went to call in the new information. Mrs. Brewster stood there gazing at me in silence, and I couldn't tell if she was suspicious or grateful. Her husband put his arm around her waist and speculated on what had been bothering Dakota so much that he would run away. I only vaguely listened to their theories, and they were so clueless it made my head ache. But I couldn't do anything to help them, not without outing Dakota and me.

The crowd talked about organizing their own searches, and Dakota's family, church friends and their parents began to separate and drive off. I was wracking my brain to think where he might have gone. Caleb wanted to join in, but I delayed him for a moment once we were standing next to his car. I don't know why I didn't think of this before now, and I wanted to kick myself.