The Divine Fuckery

"So there I was; ankles hoisted 6 feet in the air and securely strapped into the Cliterator 5000..."

One voice, a woman's voice, spoke out from a circle of nine.

"And, i mean, it was really giving it to me. Like, REALLY giving it to me..."

All nine were sitting in chairs. One had a clipboard.

"Don't get me wrong, I've had my fair share of fun..."

The more she spoke, the more the other ears in the circle perked up.

"But this was something different."

Everyone leaned in...

"Well, I suppose I should start at the beginning."

'Ohh! Don't do this to me Janet! You know I've been looking forward to this.'

"I was talking with Janet on the phone and she was telling me how she's wasn't going to go to the concert tonight."

'Yeah, I see the rain. Of course I know the concert is outside. Final Destination? A scary movie? Listen, I don't care what movie... Wait, no, don't hang u...'

"She was saying something about being scared of a some movie she'd watched recently; something about a stage collapse, but I knew better. She just wanted to some time with this new Johnny guy she has been seeing. I mean, she loves scary movies! They never get to her."

The man with the clipboard spoke up, "This is all fine and dandy, but all I asked is how you got here."

"Slow down Urkel. What? Are you in a hurry to get back to the pocket protector convention?"

'God bless it!'

"So yeah, long story short, I wasn't about to go to the concert by myself and now I had to find something better to do with my Friday night. Double down bitches, double down."

One of the others, a slightly larger woman, leaned over to another and whispered, "I like her attitude" without breaking eye contact with the speaker, and not quietly enough for any of the group to not hear."

"Aww, thank you sweet heart. We get out of here and I'll show you how to have a good time when your good for nothing friends ditch you on a Friday night."

The larger woman's eyes lit up and she smiled.

Mr. Clipboard chimed in again, "Please, mam, the speedy version."

"Well, i tried calling a few other friends on the phone and nothing. But I was in one of those moods, ya know? I opened a window and called out to a few fella's on the street, 'Hey! You wanna do something tonight?' but nothing."

'Well, its official. Chivalry is dead in Chicago.'

"Now, I always have a backup plan, ok? I just don't always resort to plan-b right away because I don't always come back from plan-b the same person, ya know?"

Mr. Clipboard, "No, we don't".

The guy to the right of Mr. Clipboard added, "I hope I do."

The speaker smiled at the guy.

Mr. Clipboard turned and stared in disgust.

"So my plan-b is more of room-b, ya know?"

Mr. Clipboard now turned his disgust back towards the speaker.

"Now, I've never actually read the gray books or seen the gray movies, but I get the idea. Some guys devotes a whole room to sexy-time... Uhh, count me in."

The man sitting directly to the left of The Speaker finish swallowing a drink of water and said, "Ohh I love those movies."

"Well tell me how mine compares."

The youngest and smallest girl in the circle askes, "What do you mean?"

"I made my own red fuckin'-room."

Mr. Clipboard, "Hey, easy on the little one. She's gotta be..."

"What?"

The speaker looks at the girl.

"How old are you sweetness"

The girl said, "Nineteen."

"Have you ever ridden the city buss?"

The girl said, "Most days since I was 13."

"See now you just can-it Mr. Nam-Be-Pamby. Nain't nothing I'm gonna say that hasn't been said a million times over and worse on any one of our city routed busses."

The girl shrugs her shoulders and nods at Mr. Clipboard a.k.a. Mr. Nam-be-Pamby.

"Now where was I? Ohh! Just getting good is where I was... Now my red fuckin'-room has lots of good stuff. I could be here all night talking to you y'all about all the toys and all the stories that go along with all the toys."

Mr. Clipboard begins to rub his temples with both hands.

"But I'm going to save you the mind-'gasm and just get straight to the chewy center of this here Tootsie-Pop of a story.

The remaining circle sat with mouths agape.

"Recently, I installed a new upgrade. I had been shopping for one of those fancy-shmancy Sybians. You know, one of those fuck-toys that will actually fuck back. Well I wasn't about to skimp-out on my ride. I wanted the best and had a difficult time deciding between the Vibro-Fuck or the Cliterator 5000; I opted for the Cliterator on account of having the inversion option; the cup holder was a nice feature too."

The Speaker could see Mr. Nam-Be-Pamby wasn't even paying attention anymore.

"So I walked down the hall wall and dimmed the lights while preparing to introduce myself to the man of steel himself. Ohh and he looked good sitting in the corner of the room all chiseled and ready for me. I swear, I heard a voice say, "I want you to take me" and I wasn't about to argue. I stripped naked, layed down, strapped myself in, and leaned back; all the way back; all the way until I was upside down kinda back."

"Like I was saying: There I was; ankles hoisted 6 feet in the air and securely strapped in to the Cliterator 5000. That's when the first boom of thunder echoed through my apartment like a demonic-angle. The creature said, "You're mine now" and I was ready. I didn't exactly know what I was ready for... The controller had nearly two dozen buttons and I only knew what a few of them did. You know, the important ones; the ones controlling speed and depth of penetration. So I flipped a few switches, turned a dial, and set the timer for twelve minutes and ohh, let me tell you, I lost track of time. The lights were flickering. The thunder was grumbling..."

Mr. Clipboard looked up and spoke slightly louder this time, "I asked you, do you know how you got here, and you still haven't answered my question."

There was a slight pause in the room.

Mr. C, "Do you?! Do you know how you got here?"

"Well, that's easy... I... Umm..."

Mr. C "You don't. You don't remember how you got here. Please, allow me, or at least one of us here, to tell you what happened after you lost track of time."

Silence.

Mr. C "Yeah, there was thunder, and yeah, the lights were flickering. Do you know what else there was?"

Silence

Mr. C "Lightning! Lots of lightning. And one of those bolts struck your complex. Now, this particular bolt just so happen to send a surge of electricity to your red fucking-room and gave your man of steel a cocaine-infused, steroidal super-boost."

At that particular moment, the speaker noticed something about the people sitting around her. They all had little, glowing, goldish, yellowish, hallows hovering above their heads.

"Ohh no. Y'all can't be serious."

The larger woman, "You remember the that depth of penetration setting you were telling us about?"

The man to the left of the speaker, "Your man of steel shish kabobed you."

"Ohh no..."

The speaker looks down.

The little girl, "Your corpse is still getting it like an old piece of fabric under a stuck-on sewing machine."

Mr. C "Fuckin' Christ Susie..."

Susie shrugged again.

The speaker, for the first time, shows something besides confidence. Worry tries to build to hysteria.

"Look, um. Can we do something about that? Like, my grandma is supposed to come by tomorrow, and if she finds me like..."

Mr. C "Easy! Easy. Easy... Take a breath. We can take care of all that."

The speaker takes a deep breath.

Mr. C "First and most importantly, you need to answer one question, and be honest. How you answer will determine how you are treated while spending time with us here..."

The speaker composes herself.

Mr. C "Is it worth it?"

Silence.

"Ohh fuck yeah!"