The Dubious Dictionary: Bl-Bz

A collection of arcane and under-appreciated words. Definitions are included, along with clarification. Also, the word is used in a sentence, where appropriate, to indicate its proper usage in everyday language.

NOTE: An asterisk (*) following a definition indicates that the word and definition are factual and may be found in any good 40 pound dictionary.

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BLAUWOK: The quaint Inuit custom observed during fish gutting contests. The umpire blows a walrus tusk whistle, the contestants drop their fish, and they vigorously pick each other's noses for thirty seconds. A second whistle signals the end of the blauwok, and the contest resumes.

BISONTINE: Pertaining to bison; buffalo-like.* E.g. "You have a lovely figure, Eleanor. Your hindquarters are positively bisontine."

BLAIN: A boil or blister.* E.g. "I shouldn't worry about that blain on your privates, Mr Farquahr. It will go away when your tonker falls off."

BIREME: A galley with two banks of oars.* Editor's note: This is apparently a small kitchen staffed by a double shift of ladies of ill-repute.

BLEWIT: Type of edible toadstool.* E.g. "Dang, Doris! I can see how these here mushrooms got their name. I et some, felt a rumblin' in ma guts, then I blewit in my shorts."

BLUEPETER: Blue flag with white square in center used as ship's signal.* Announces the presence of a dread, highly contagious venereal disease amongst the crew. Vessel is quarantined until tonkers of crewmen turn blue, fall off, and they are no longer infectious.

BOATSWAIN: Naut. Ship's crewmember in charge of equipment and maintence.* In the days of long voyages on sailing ships, a comely boatswain was expected to play an occasional hand of 'hide the salami' with the captain.

BOBSTAY: Naut. Rope used on ship to steady cabin boy whilst pulling a train for officers. Otherwise used to keep ship's pet sheep from falling overboard.

"BOLISSIMA MIA": Ital. Lit.-"My Johnson is Sore." The magnificent aria sung by Dimaggio (ten.) in the third act of the opera "The Sheep Lovers" by Zucchini.

BOEOTIAN: Stupid; dull.* Characteristic of music lovers who sit through the entire seven hour performance of the abovementioned opera.

BOMAN: Well dressed criminal.* E.g. O.J.Simpson, Robert Blake, Michael "Sleepover" Jackson, etc. (As a public service, occasional societal commentary is included amongst the otherwise serious items in the lexicon. These will be kept as brief and infrequent as possible. Ed.)

BONING: 1. Estimating straightness by looking along a row of poles.* (Assuming one can get Kowalski to hold still, of course. Ed.) 2. What Laura gets from Shrubbie on a semi-annual basis.

BONBONIERRE: Small box used for sweetmeats.* E.g. "Hay, Lucille, ya wanna see ma sweetmeats? Lemme jist git this here bonbonierre unzipped."

BOLUS: Rounded mass.* Marlon Brando

BOMBOSITY: The buttocks.* E.g. "Sheeeit, Leroy! That Quanisha gots some kinda bombosity on hersef, huh?"

BORASCO: Violent wind squall.* "Whooie, thet were some kinda borasco, Momma! Now thet it's over, wouldja please hep me pull these here pannies outa ma ass?"

BOOPTIC: Ox-eyed.* E.g. "Now, I'm not saying Ms Cosgrove is booptic, but she can watch a tennis match without moving her head."

BORBORIGMUS: Intestinal sounds.* "Listen, Harold. My transverse colon is singing the tenor part of the Love Duet from "Madama Butterfly."

BOTRYOIDAL: Like a bunch of grapes.* A distinctive type of hemorrhoid formation which is much admired as a sign of machismo in some Latin American cultures.

BOSSELATED: Knobby.* E.g. "Hoot mon! Yon Angus has the most bosselated knees ever I laid eyes on."

BOULT: To sift through cloth. To examine by sifting.* Yet another method of recovering used corn from excrement. Required for preparation of certain Norwegian pastries.

BOURREE: French baroque dance which requires that the genitalia of the gentleman be worn on the right.

BOUSTROPHEDON: Writing alternating left-right then right-left.* Considered an unbreakable code in Arkansas.

BRACHIATION: Swinging by one's arms from place to place.* George! Watch out for that tree!

BRACHYCATALECTIC: Lacking two syllables from the end of a verse.* E.g. "Shit, Leonard! I damn near had me a haiku composed, but it done gone all brachycatalectic on me, jist two syllables from the end."

BOYG: A problem difficult to get to grips with.* E.g. "That's quite a boyg you've got there, Bobby. I think you used too much Vaseline."

BRACCATE: Having feathered legs.* "You're lucky Wanda. All you gotta do is shave every couple days. I'm braccate and have to go get plucked twice a week."

BRAXY: Disease of sheep causing fits.* In Australia, often mistaken for orgasmic frenzy.

BRACHYDACTYLOUS: Having short or stubby fingers.* E.g. "Ya know, Roy, Linda May invited me ta play stank fanger with her last night, but I couldn't git past the damn hair. I must be brachydactylous."

BRACKISH: Saltish; very salty.* E.g. "Joe Bob, yer an experienced man, an' I need ta ax ya a question. Is it jist Cindy, or do all bearded clams taste brackish?"

BRACKLE: To break bread or cake into pieces.* E.g. "Jesus, Mary Lou! Ain't ya never gonna larn ta cook? I tried to brackle this here cake ya baked, and I had to use a fuggin' fire axe."

BRANSLE: An old French follow-the-leader dance.* It becomes quite festive when the lead dancer pisses in the punch bowl and everyone else (including the ladies) must follow suit.

BRELOQUE: An ornament attached to a watch.* In Arkansas, a radial truck tire is a favorite.

BREAM: To clean a ship's bottom by burning off seaweed.* Transexual men have tried this method to clean their bottoms by burning off hair. Results have been mixed, and several tragic fires have resulted when the procedure is used following a bean meal.

BRADAWL: Tiny boring tool.* E.g. "Hey, Timmy, did you notice the bradawl Uncle Michael had in his pajama pants during our sleepover at his ranch?"

BREVIARY: Book containing daily church service.* E.g. "Good grief, Martha! It says here in the breviary that Father Flanagan is to service the altar boy today. That should be worth staying to see."

BRIDOON: Light military bridle.* Widely used during the Civil War when the Major wished to play "horsie" with the drummer boy.

BRILLIANTINE: Perfumed oil for making hair glossy.* E.g. "I know that Jose is a greaser by birth, but I think his using that 80 wt. brilliantine is overdoing it just a bit."

BROBDINGNAGIAN: Immense.* E.g. "Come over and see me some time, Mr Gulliver. Don't forget to bring along that brobdingnagian tonker of yours that I've heard so much about."

BROMOPNEA: Bad breath.* E.g. "I hate to mention this, Iris, but your breath smells like mildewed restroom carpet."

BRUNNEOUS: Dark brown.* E.g. "I bought you something today, dear. You should be able to wear these brunneous jockeys for an entire day without noticeable streaking. Please do try, will you?"

BUBONALGIA: Painful inflammation of the groin.* This one is just too easy for a professional lexicographer. The Editor has decided to let the reader supply his/her own clarification or quotation.

BULBIFEROUS: Bearing bulbs.* E.g. "Doctor, it's about my son Clarence. Is it natural for an eight year to have bulbs which are larger and hairier than his father's."

BROMIDROSIS: Strong-smelling sweat.* "Don't worry Mr Cosgrove, your wife will come around in a moment. I have bromidrosis, and one whiff of my armpit will awaken week old road kill."

BUCCINA: Roman trumpet.* E.g. "Here, Lucius, let me just move my toga aside, and you can give my buccina a good old Latin toot."

BUCK-AND WING: Solo tap dance with many leg flings and leaps.* Especially vigorous when, just prior to the performance, an assistant inserts a large jalapeno into the dancer's rectum.

BULLA: Round seal attached to a papal bull.* E.g. "You hold onto the ring in his nose, Bishop, and I'll try to nail this bulla to his ass. I've never understood why the Holy Father can't just have a nice cat. Must have something to do with being a Polak."

BULLARY: Collection of papal bulls.* E.g. "Faith an' begorra, Monsignor, the Holy Father must have two dozen of the great beasties! Sure an' tis no wonder the Castle Gondolfo always smells o' bullshite."

BUMPTIOUS: Offensively conceited.* E.g. "There he goes again, Trog. That damn Ompa thinks he's so fuggin' superior, just because he has a forehead. I tell ya, that's a dead-end, evolution-wise."

BURGAGE: Tenure in socage for yearly rent.* Another word about which The Committee (q.v) should be closely questioned. (Ed.)

BURGEE: Small ship's flag used for identification.* When the burgee is flown, it means, "Yes, this is a ship." When it is absent, the enlisted ranks may mistake the ship for a suburb of Cleveland or a privy.

BURSIFORM: Shaped like a pouch.* E.g. "Oh, sure, Sidney has a nice bursiform appendage between his legs. Only problem is, it's empty."

BURGANET: Light helmet with nose and cheek protection.* Designed to protect the cabin boy if a drunken captain becomes abusive whilst being blown.

BUTYRACEOUS: Resembling or having the qualities of butter.* E.g. "Gorsh, Earline, ya even got purty feet. They smells downright butyraceous. Thet's a word I larned when Grandma left a full churn out in the sun fer a few days."

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To be continued.

Thank you for your attention.

Reader's comments always welcome.