The Dummy's Mind for Females

I recently posted the Male Mind for Dummies. If you haven't read it, it was a rant, intended to be ironic and sarcastic, about a generalized male perspective. I did not intend for it to be considered a universal declaration of the male perspective of the entire human species. I got into a discussion with some colleagues at a Christmas party about these relationship books, magazine articles, and shows. It seemed to us, that the jist of the books are: Men, you think like this, but women think like this, so now you've got to change. The Male Mind for Dummies was our point of view, which isn't right or wrong, it's just our point of view.

I'm a businessman with an interest in the social sciences. I'm not a sociological or psychological expert, but I do believe that men and women (in general) are different. Whether this is the result of "nature or nurture" is something for people with a heck of a lot more letters after their name to debate. I don't want to drive the sexes apart with gender stereotypes, but I think there is some misunderstanding between us or else the world would be gender paradise would it not? I know a few things about the woman in my life, but when you extrapolate that small portion of understanding on one woman over the world's population it doesn't amount to a hell of a lot. If you're a woman that knows everything there is to know about men, then you don't even need to read my perspective.

As for the title of my earlier work, it was intended as a pun to the popular series of books available, in North America at least, which go by the titles of "X topic" for Dummies. I actually thought that would raise more angry feminist interpretations than it did. I certainly do not think women are dumb (my girlfriend is definitely smarter than I). And guess what? That's a generalization too because there are plenty of men out there that don't have the mind of dummies and the same amount of women who do.

In an effort to prove that I am, and men evidently like me, who enjoyed my previous rant are not knuckle-dragging Neanderthals, I have the penned the following. In the hopes of maybe reaching women, in a more serious tone, about how I (read: not all males, just one white, immature, middle-class, well-educated, heterosexual) perceive some everyday things the sexes appear to approach differently. I do not appreciate comments regarding my earlier work as entirely a joke. It was meant to be ironic, sexist, and sarcastic with a touch of the truth, the following is serious:

1. Doors

Doors are simple enough, eh? Okay, I lied, I have to be a little sarcastic, it's how I write people! I hold open the door for women (at shopping malls, the office, university, wherever) and I don't hold the door open for guys. Well, maybe if he's carrying something, but in most cases I don't. In turn, I'd feel a little strange if a man or a woman held the door open for me. I'm not talking about holding it for a second so it doesn't smash you in the face on the back-swing. I'm talking the guy opens the door, steps back, and lets the woman walk through. It's really a sexist thing to do this, but I've been taught that this is the thing to do for women and not for men. It's similar to a guy offering a woman his seat on the bus/train/ferry. If I'm sitting there and a woman is standing next to me, I feel uneasy. I will get up and offer her my seat. Some women sit down, while others probably think I'm hitting on them and tell me to get lost. Either way, I feel better for at least having offered. Is this because I'm a sexist pig that thinks women can't bear the weight of their own body's for a 20-minute commute? I don't think so; I swear I just feel this way.

2. Boxing

I really enjoy watching boxing. It's an exciting sport. It's also legalized violence that should probably be illegal. I think it is in most states. I can't explain why I like it, I just do. I like the colour red too, I don't know why, I just do (maybe there's some psychological theory to explain that, I don't know). I have to qualify this statement though, as I only enjoy watching men boxing. There is something about two women pounding each other that makes me very uneasy. I don't like to see it. It's not like I don't watch women play golf, track and field, hockey, volleyball, or Olympic softball, so I'm not against women in sport. It makes me uncomfortable to see women getting beat up, whether it's a woman or a man doing it. But, if two guys are wailing on each other, I'll pay to see it. That is a double standard for sure. I'm not going to apologize for that though, tough. "Onga bonga," as Tarzan says, I suppose.

My girlfriend hates boxing; she's a vegetarian for God's sake. But, she has come to the pub with me a couple times to watch me get drunk and see the bloodletting live. She compromised for me and I really do appreciate it. Sometimes she even asks about the boxers and I'll bore her (I'm sure) with the details of his past. The next weekend, we go see a movie or a performance and have a nice vegan dinner that she likes. We both compromised here, so I couldn't rant about that. Really, I'm a better person for letting her introduce me to things I wouldn't normally do.

3. Discussions & problems

In my earlier rant, I complained about women carrying on about their emotions or problems. I do have a girlfriend and I do listen to her, especially after she's had a hard day. If she has a problem, she talks to me and I listen. I prefer to do this in person, because talking on the phone kind of sucks. As I said, and all men aren't like this, I can't multi-task when I'm on the phone. She explained to me that, for her, just talking and sharing these things with me makes her feel better. Not bottling things up makes her feel better, what a concept?

Now for me and some other guys, this creates a problem. My girlfriend's "problem" was that a male colleague was sexually harassing her. From what I hear of the statistics, this happens to a lot of women. She wanted to vent so she would feel better, so she shared this problem with me. As a guy, I wanted to strap on the old Superman cape, rush to her (perceived) rescue, and beat the crap out of this guy. I heard her problem and I wanted to solve it. BUT, I compromised, bottled up my emotions, and just listened to her. The next morning I did an extra 10-laps around the track, go figure. She is a strong, independent woman and I can just imagine her embarrassment if I had done what I felt like doing. Picture this, enraged moron barging into an office and assaulting another guy in front of everyone, including her boss. This is what I FELT like doing, but I didn't do it, and therein lies my argument. No man or woman has the right to tell me how I should have felt at this point, but how I acted is open for debate. Rest assured, the cape was definitely left hanging in the closet for Halloween.

A woman that responded to my prior rant said I was propagating the stereotype of the "chatterbox hopeless romantic jealous fragile and sensitive woman." Bluntly, this is bullshit. I've dated some successful and intelligent women who, at times, are one or all of these things. They're not Jane Fonda fembots or something, they're only human. They're educated, powerful women. Sometimes they have a bad day, sometimes they fall in love. Men can be all of the above as well, even a woman with the right doctor and some hormones! (I'm kidding.) As for being labelled as a "caveman" I take serious issue to this. When I jotted down my rant, I was actually a little worked up after this discussion at the party. I wrote how I FELT, not how I act, as these are two very different things. I actually felt better after I wrote it down, which I suppose is a better way of expressing my frustration than beating an antelope to death with a club. "Onga Bonga! Take that!"

The same critic also noted "Every stereotype is here for both men and women. There's the solid as a rock emotionless sex braggart shallow sexist man whose live is centered on professional sports." Wow. I don't usually cry at the end of movies (see the next section), except at the end of Good Will Hunting when there was an alarming amount of dust in the air. Guys aren't emotionless, but if you actually believe society encourages men to share their emotions with the world on a daily basis, you live in a dream world where there is no glass ceiling and women make up the 50% of the parliament, reflecting their share of the voting population. My life is also definitely not centered on professional sports, but a LOT of men, and none too few women, have at least a passing interest in them. Have you not watched the World Cup of soccer? Half the bloody planet seems tuned into this. There's something like 100,000 men and women that watch the Daytona 500 and NASCAR's greatest growth has been amongst women of late. Didn't a woman driver just enter the big leagues? (I don't know because I don't really follow NASCAR). Sports are fun for some to watch and a lot of guys get to express emotions through this venue in a socially acceptable way. Not all of us for God's sake, but whole stinking whack of us let me tell you.

Liking sports, that's a stereotype, but is it harmful? Some stereotypes are bad, some just are. The idea that black guys have large cocks is a stereotype. Okay, I've seen some porn on the 'net and some black guys have large freakin' penises. So they are stereotypes? Is this good? Black guys are "bigger men?" Is this bad? Black guys are supposed to be some sort of uber-masculine, sex predators? I really don't know, but I'm just one white guy and I don't dwell too much on this issue. I'm sure others do and I'm getting completely off topic here.

If you take my rant about sports to mean you're not a man if you don't enjoy sports, or that a woman cannot enjoy sports, you dragged it that way by yourself. I just wanted to emphasize that baseball is something I care about and my girlfriend really doesn't care about it or understand why I do. Especially given the fact I don't live in Chicago and it's not like I get anything if "my" team wins. However, (and I am a man, so I could be wrong on the particulars of this) you may find it interesting that at least one study has shown that the blood pressure of men watching sports matches those of the actual players in the game. We're into it, gasp, emotionally. Seriously.

The sex braggart part I don't really understand. In my earlier work, I was trying to convey the fact that when you compare how the relative sexes discuss sex, women tend to delve more into the intimate details than men. My girlfriends have told me this and I'm telling you a lot of guys are not going into this kind of detail. If this general observation offends you, you must be angry quite often. If you mean to tell me that when a women disappears from an office party, with a guy, her friends don't find out where she went and what happened, I do not believe you. If they're your friends, I have been led to believe you tell them the intimate details. I don't talk about sex much with my buddies at all.

4. How did you like Gladiator? (skip this if you want to watch it and don't want to know the ending)

I would imagine most people in the Western world would be familiar with this movie. As I find Roman history fascinating, I was amazed at the historical accuracy of components of this movie. From the equipment and tactical army advances at the beginning of the movie to the lesser-known fact that gladiators were pimped out to wealthy Roman women, I thought it was very well done. At the end of the movie, Russell Crowe dies and my girlfriend cries.

His character in the movie, Maximus, saves the Roman Empire from the tyrannical rule of an incestuous psychopath. Nothing saves the rest of the world from the psychotic advances of the Roman Empire, but that's another story. When I asked my girlfriend why she cried, she said that the ending was sad. He was the main character, he got killed, and ergo this is a sad story. I actually thought it was worse when his wife and son were assassinated, but again, I'm not into watching women get hurt or murdered. Then Maximus kills a lot of people throughout the movie, which is incredibly violent, and as I put it, saves the world. Then he goes to quasi-heaven to be reunited with his wife and child despite being personally responsible for the pain and suffering of like, a hundred extras. He succeeds in my eyes, and I would argue in the eyes of many men who like the movie, but he loses in hers.

I'm not condoning the championing of all of the violence in this movie, but I did find it exciting. I winced and weaved in my seat with each swing of the gladius. My girlfriend did not like this movie, however she did like Russell Crowe half naked. Same movie; two perspectives. I found the fighting scenes riveting, she found them revolting. I did not find the ending to be sad, she did. I thought Maximus won at the end of this movie, but she felt he lost.

Where the hell am I going with this, eh? Well, I really liked this movie and I thought that the different ways we perceived the ending in particular to be interesting. Again, I'm generalizing here, but this was how our perspectives differed on just one movie. How did you feel about the movie? Some men may have hated it as well, which is fine, they have every right to. My father hates the sight of blood and, consequently this movie. Does that make him less than a man, a pussy? Anyone who saw him kneel at my mother's side in the infirmary for six months while she died of lung disease wouldn't say that. If anyone said that to me about my father, I'd feel like punching them in the face and I'd probably do it. That would be a stereotypical reaction too, wouldn't it? Damn caveman! Some women may have liked this movie too, for their own reasons. We all have our own point of view. The only point of view I would say is wrong, is the person that says that movie was "X" and if you see things different you're all wrong.

5. Staring at women

Again, in my original rant, I tried to explain what goes through a guy's mind when he's checking out another woman. This must happen fairly frequently, because no one seems to be arguing against it occurring in the first place. I had one woman say she wasn't going to slap her boyfriend for doing this any more after reading my work, so I had to email her to tell her to go right ahead and keep giving him the odd whack. This isn't the right thing for a man to do, nor should I endorse beating your mate.

Objectifying women is wrong, but I do it. I can't deny that I do it. My partner explained to me that when I even glance at another attractive woman when I'm out with her, it makes her feel like I want to be with the other woman and not her. That somehow, I'm not satisfied with her. I don't think she's the aforementioned "fragile" or "sensitive" woman, I just think she loves me and doesn't particularly feel great about me eyeing other women. Not only that, she has been stared at herself, which she explained is quite creepy. When I stop and think about it, I don't want other guys doing this to her!? I can empathize with her perspective so, lo and behold, I compromise and stop looking at other women, particularly when she's around. But I should compromise here, because I really have no good reason to be looking at a woman like this and it hurts her feelings.

6. Anything boys can do, girls can do better

I know the world is, and has been, largely misogynistic for centuries. Even in the developed and industrialized West, women make less money, get fewer promotions, and work in pink-ghetto's. In the developing world (again, I'm generalizing), things are considerably worse for women. I live in the West and I'm 30 years old, living within the time of women's liberation. My mother was a strong female figure and definitely wore the pants in our family. I was raised to believe that men and women are different, but we are equal. We aren't treated equally economically, politically, or what have you, but when I say equal, I mean I don't think of the sexes in terms of a hierarchy.

Women have been making advancements across the social spectrum and I believe they will continue to do so until you're equal in every way. It wasn't too long ago here in Canada (a generation) that the French Catholics were considered the under-class. Good Scottish Protestants like my family would have had nothing to do with them. Now we have a French Catholic prime minister (that's the leader of our country if you ain't from around here) and few people my age make much of the Catholic/Protestant divide. It's slow, but the world does turn.

Women can be doctors. Women can be lawyers. Women can be plumbers. Women can be carpenters. Women can be bouncers. Women can be professional athletes. I'm all for women expanding their presence in society, by all means do it. What I think women don't understand, is that by liberating themselves they take away the power from men. Empowering yourselves is great and men, secure in themselves and their role in life, are happy for you. But weaker men will feel threatened. A lot of old timers (and some guys my age) don't want to take orders from a woman, even if she is better educated and has more experience. One of my four bosses is a woman and I have no problem working for her, so I don't really understand the issue, but it's definitely out there. As you will now know from my writing, I'm definitely sexist. I'm not a complete chauvinist pig; campaigning for the clubbing of women to be fitted for chains affixed to the fridge and stove. At the same time, I'm not making friends at the local feminist organization either.

Even for what I consider everyday guys, ones like me who are in this grey zone in the middle of what women consider our evolutionary ladder, our roles in society and life are changing. We're supposed to share our emotions, some times, but then bottle them up at other times. If we dress well we're called gay by men and women, but if we dress like bums we get no action whatsoever. We're supposed to be physically fit, but not massive like body builders or fanatically into sports. We should be decisive and romantic, but know when to compromise and not be sappy. Ladies, we're friggin' confused here! Some attempts at understanding would be nice, beyond giving us two chances to keep the damn toilet seat down.

I got some professional advice to seek out therapy before I write my first article. Thanks for those of you that suggested it online, but I'm already enrolled. If you're that offended by my work and would like to pay to help me along the way, I'm not too proud to accept your money (note – I'm kidding! Besides, if you're that enraged I'm not giving you a mailing address). For some reason I don't entirely understand, my doctor's a woman, so it feels easier for me to open up to her. I'm a sexist again here, but I bet you 9 out of 10 women would have no qualms with what I just said. Apparently, my doctor has noted that I'm not alone. Boys are told how to act one way until we're in our twenties then, when we fall in love with a woman, we're supposed to magically change. This happens, accept it. I'm not saying, oh, feel bad for me, poor white male with issues, wah, wah. But at the same time, I think it's like the black kettle saying society makes me feel black and fat to the fat black pot. Maybe the black pot feels fat too, that crazy pot that, eh?

Again, I've raved long enough. Thanks for bearing with me thus far. Please feel free to comment on this essay keeping in mind it's just a perspective. It's not right, and it's not wrong, but I am serious this time. If you're a woman and you have some insight for men into your mind, and those of women you know, write an essay would ya? We probably could use it, wait, I remember now, I don't speak for all men. I could use it. I've got to go watch "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" now.