The End

12-31-2016

He said he didn't know what to get me for my birthday. So I actually worked up the courage to tell him what I wanted. That I wanted to be more than a girlfriend even though I knew we could not marry until all the kids were grown. He said getting engaged meant you would get married, that he doesn't want that then he told me no. Guess that answered that. I wanted him to feel that level of commitment to me that I feel for him. I wanted him to confirm to me that he actually loved me as much as he says. I wanted to be loved as much as I love him. He tells me no..As simple and easy as that, didn't even bat an eye, just no. I have wanted to cry since that car ride. But I have held it in. No sense in crying over something that was long shot anyway. I shouldn't have voiced it anyway. I knew better. This is why I never ask for anything. My wants are few but the ones I truly have are pipe dreams. He thinks it's a joke. Great way to crush my heart and show me how much my wants mean to him. Tells me to tell him and then throws it back at me with a laugh.

5-31-17/6-2-17

Proof positive he is self entitled ass who has no love for anyone in the house but maybe the dog and for sure himself. I asked for help with the bills. We had the loudest fight yet. Gave us money but would have thought we asked him to move the fuck out. I have lost respect for him. Nothing left. No love for him left. No lust no nothing. I can barely stand the sight of him. It is basically a relationship of convenience. Mom won't kick me out. I have assurance of that. I'd have to do gross negligent homicide before worrying of that. My kids come first, Mom and the dog next. He is not a priority in my life anymore. He just exists.

June 23-2017

Told him he verbally abusive. He walked away. Such a hard life he has. You, Scott, can't handle it so you hide from it. Face it head on. Hear the words spoken to you. Change the actions that hurt those around you. Then maybe those around you would be more willing to change with you. Maybe the changes in those around you are a direct consequence of the actions they see around them on a daily basis. Maybe they are because they aren't heard or because when they speak and try to voice themselves they are walked away from. Just maybe they can't help build up the wall again to shield themselves from hurt they feel that they were told they would not feel anymore. Explained I was tired of not being laid. And being left to feel unloved and undesired. Of course nothing but excuses is what I got as his response as usual. He is a whiny bitch. Why am I still with him? I don't get it.

7-3-2017

I broke up with him yesterday. Don't even matter why. All of the before shit now. The party at Mike's last night. I am just done being a door mat.

7-4-2017

Karen owns this home she asked me to move into the home in 2012 so my kids could get out of their old schools and into a better program for Chris' needs. Yes, I do still love Scott! but I won't be getting back with him! It is not a light switch! But, his drinking, verbal and emotional attacks on Karen, the kid's (all four) and I have taken a toll!

For two years now we have had problems! We (I thought) were working on them. I know I was. I took what he said was his issues and tried to do something about them. I could do nothing about some of them. But did do what I could about others. Since moving in here, many of you know, what I have accomplished!!!! Not Scott- what I did! I cleaned this place out! I helped his mom after each of her operations! I tried to bring peace, and did a damn good job, from what I was told over past two days.

I can only do so much though for someone who isn't willing to see it.

I asked him to slow his drinking down, to be less rude and verbally abusive in how he speaks to those who lived in the house, he told me to fuck off then said I can't hear this and walked away. EVERY TIME!!! I asked him to help with cleaning, he would say mom won't let me or some other excuse and then throw a fit. I asked for help with bills, he says he is broke but he has money for beer, ammunition, Weber stuff, cigarettes. He complains about medical bills I tell him pay them he says with what I tell him cut out some alcohol or cigarettes or ammunition( I'm not sure why he stock piled it) he throw a fit and go into this paranoid speech. I ask him to get off his phone at the table or during the bedtime and put his time and effort into the kids and me, to pay attention when we were speaking to him so he could maybe hear what we said to him. He says this is the only time I have to be on it. He denies me physical affection because supposedly he lost his desire after his vasectomy, didn't stop him for the first year or three. It is more he wasn't getting my money anymore for the beer and bullets anymore. I have bills to pay and four kids to support; I am no longer giving him my money for stupid shit.

The way he treats his mom is why she asked me to stay and him to go. She owns this home, and she can't tolerate being talked to like that anymore, Can't handle being screamed at and cursed at on the daily anymore. He shows her no respect unless he wants something. I have tried to explain to him that is no way to be. I told him it is a lousy role model for the kids #1!!! And that is the woman who has given you everything and taken care of everything for you your entire life #2. Hell she got him out of everything every time! But don't matter to him. He doesn't see it that way. He can treat anybody however he sees fit. If it is not about Scott, it doesn't matter. So she finally sees, that he needs to be on his own and maybe that will wake him up and make him see that she loves him, but does not like his actions and we were trying to help him all this time. I have held that woman while she bawled! We have held each other we bawled over his idiocy and his abusive nature and his drinking. And his tearing out of here and wondering is this the day we get a call that he going to jail? Morgue?

Well now he can go live in the real world. I'm sorry for him and her. She can't be on her own entirely. But now she has nothing left to go to a home and she said she isn't selling this one. She told me to stay and let my kids finish their educations, while I figure something out. I do contribute to the bills. I buy groceries. I respect her, and her house. I don't punch holes in her walls. I don't stand over her screaming and cursing so hard that spit lands in her face. I think to check on her if she seems to be out of it, I think to get her meds into her if she seems out of it. My kids know how to do the same. He has never once done the same, unless he wanted money. I took my rose colored glasses off a few months ago. He said I was being a bitch. No it is called I was honest with him. I no longer have empathy or sympathy for someone who wouldn't do for themselves. He is a 40 yr old man with nothing to show, not because anyone else fucked his world up. But, because he wasn't up to the task of going out and getting it.

Yes, I will live here in this house for now, to take care of his mom and my kids. I have enough support from those that matter in my life to know I am not taking advantage of anyone.