The Fall of Amanda

This story is my first. I am a divorced mom myself with an adult son and I've struggled with my feelings as I've watched him grow into a man. This story may have a little more reluctance and anxiety and move more slowly than your typical story here, but I had to write what was true to me. This story is emotionally true, if not at all literally true. My two protagonists are based off of Amanda Larusso from Cobrai Kai, and Sylvia Rosen from Mad Men, and thats who I pictured while writing it. Hopefully people can get something from it but it was for me cathartic just to write it and get it out of me and explore these ideas.

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My name is Amanda. I was a forty-four year old divorced mother. My son, Robbie, was nineteen. We have lived a relatively comfortable life because of my ex-husband and my family. We live in New York state in an affluent neighborhood. My son has gone to boarding school through his high school years and had just finished his freshman year of college. I was supposed to pick him up at the airport later on that afternoon.

I had not seen a lot of my son the past few years because he had spent most of the previous summer with his father on Long Island. I had gotten used to living alone as an older single woman, but I was excited to see my son and for us to spend the summer together.

My best friend was Sylvia. She was forty-two, also divorced and had a son my age, David. They had gone to the same boarding school and were friends. She lived close by. We'd often get dressed up and go out to bars or out to eat together and talked on the phone often. Her son had already been home from college for a week and she had been telling me how he had grown up a lot but it was also a bit awkward having him back at home. She would laugh as she told me she was having to change her behavior and couldn't walk around in her underwear or masturbate in the living room.

When I woke up that morning, I decided to make the most of the last morning I'd have the house to myself. I fished my pink vibrator out of my drawer and took off my sleeping shirt and panties. I laid in bed and spread my legs, lazily caressing and playing with myself. My bedroom door was wide open and the morning sun lit up the house in bright white light.

I took my time, I purred and moaned, reveling in my sexuality. I knew this would be the last time for a while that I'd be able to get myself off without having to hide or be quiet or concerned with whether my son was home. I went for over an hour, drawing it out, letting my mind wander. I switched positions, going from all fours with my head on the bed and my ass in the air to my side and again to laying on my back with my legs spread wide.

I had a large mirror all along the sliding doors of my large walk-in closet. I'd glance over to it and check myself out. I'd suck on my toy and taste myself, getting more saliva on it in order to probe my sex again and again. I had worked up quite a sweat with my session and looked at my slutty, naked, blushing reflection. Who wouldn't want this? I thought to myself. I was the very picture of a milf in heat.

I knew I looked great for my age. I had kept my thin body athletic and firm by eating healthy and running. I had to. I had to find another husband or at very least a boyfriend.

I closed my eyes and imagined having wild sex with a dominating man. I moaned as I finally went for making myself orgasm. Somewhere in the background of my consciousness, I heard a creak in the house but I ignored it. My pussy muscles gripped my three probing fingers like a vice while the vibrator mercilessly rocked my clit. My orgasm was building, waiting to erupt and my moans turned into a sustained whine as I began cumming hard. The power of my orgasm and the action of my probing fingers started to cause me to squirt all over myself and my bed. I was practically wailing as I opened my eyes mid-orgasm to watch my cunt squirt.

And there in my bedroom doorway stood my son. His eyes and mouth wide open in shock. My orgasm was happening in slow motion as I processed what was happening.

"Oh, fuck!" I screamed, half delirious, mid-squirt and cumming as I scrambled to cover myself with a sheet. "Robbie! Get out! What are you doing here?" I yelled in total shame and shock. He walked away from the doorway and yelled back.

"I'm sorry! I got back at 4 AM and took an Uber. I wanted to surprise you." I was shaking with adrenaline and embarrassment. "I had fallen asleep but I woke up and heard you making noise."

"Jesus Christ, Robbie," I yelled back as I got up and closed the door. I heard him walk off.

I looked at my sweat-glistened, red faced reflection. My son had just seen me in the worst imaginable state any son could see his mother in. Shameless, screaming and cumming spread naked like a complete whore. I'd be embarrassed for my husband or boyfriend to see me like that. My son... My God, I was beyond mortified.

How could I ever face him again? And yet I had to. In a daze, I got into the shower and got cleaned up and dressed. I blew dry my hair and got myself looking respectable again in a conservative blouse and jeans. I would just have to explain that I'm sorry he had to see that, but I had no idea he was home. I went downstairs and put coffee on. Robbie was in his room. Should I go up there? Or should I wait? I decided to give him some time.

I took care of some errands I had to do on the computer and practiced in my mind my apologies. I decided to text Sylvia.

Something really messed up just happened.

What?

Robbie came home in the middle of the night in an Uber and I didn't know. I thought I had to pick him up this afternoon. So this morning I thought I was alone and was masturbating with the door open. He walked in at the worst possible moment. It was horrible.

OMG! I'm sorry.. Have you talked to him yet?

Just yelling at him to get out and what was he doing home. He's in his room now.

You should talk to him..

I don't even know what to say. You have no idea, it was REALLY bad..

Really bad? I mean obviously.. but how do you mean?

How I looked, what I was doing.. I was going really hard and moaning loud. SO embarrassed I should just kill myself. I was orgasming and actually squirting when I saw he was there...

Yikes...

Yeah, a total mess. Can You imagine seeing your mother like that?

I know.. Don't beat yourself up. Its embarrassing, but you didn't really do anything wrong.. You need to talk to him and see what he's thinking.

Ok. I'm going to go do that..

Good luck. Let me know what happens..

I got up and paced around for few minutes, building up the courage to go talk to him. Instead of yelling, I texted him to come down to the kitchen. I heard his door opening and him walking down the stairs. This is it.

"Robbie," I began tentatively as he walked in. He looked quite nervous and he kept his head down. "I'm so sorry. I didn't know you were home. I'm mortified. I thought you were coming home later in the afternoon and I was going to pick you up."

"Well the airline asked if I wanted to switch flights because I was there and there were open seats on another flight," he started explaining rapidly. He droned on and on about the airport and the flight and how he decided he wanted to come home early and surprise me.

"I can't imagine what you think, I'm so embarrassed," I said. "I don't do that ever," I lied. "I don't know what got into me."

"Its okay. Everyone.." he paused, searching for the words. "Everyone does that sometimes when they are alone. I don't think anything bad about you. It just really surprised me, that's all. And I kind of just froze."

"I'm sorry, Robbie. You shouldn't have had to see that. I hope you weren't there long."

"I wasn't watching, I had just walked up when you opened your eyes. I heard you making noise and I just went to your room, not thinking."

"Well, I'm really so sorry and so embarrassed. I hope you can forget it," I said.

He finally stopped looking down and made eye contact with me after I said that. There was something there in his eyes that I didn't recognize. He looked like he wanted to say something but didn't have the words. Then he looked back down.

"Don't feel bad. You didn't do anything wrong."

"I don't know what to say." I walked over and hugged him. "I'm sorry baby, its really embarrassing for my son to see that. Thank you for understanding. I'm glad to have you home." I wanted to try and block that memory out and just go back to normal mother and son mode, but looking back that hug did have a different feeling. He hugged me back tightly. Not in any inappropriate way, but the way you'd do to try and soothe someone who is hurting.

I let Sylvia know that everything went okay and life moved on after that. Robbie got a summer job as a lifeguard and he and David began hanging out and going to the gym together. On the weekends, they'd go to parties or get together with their friends like young people do. Sylvia and I would go to bars and restaurants and as it got hotter outside, we'd have drinks by my pool and sunbathe and gossip. I had one date, and while the guy was nice and I had a good time, he gave me a peck goodnight and never called again.

Things between Robbie and I got back to normal. I hadn't really had him stay with me for an extended period of time for around a year and it was good to have him home and get to know him as he was becoming an adult. I was proud of him, and he seemed to be thriving. I did catch him looking at me in a way that felt different. I knew what it looked like to have a guy checking you out and for lack of a better word, he was very often checking me out, especially when I was in a bathing suit coming in from the pool. I didn't make anything out of it, and I didn't really think that much about it at the time. But I did notice it.

It was a few weeks later, and Sylvia and I were outside by the pool when she asked how everything had been with Robbie since him seeing me that first morning.

I told her how he was very mature about it and everything went back to normal. "I have noticed.." I started but paused, unsure of how to say it. "He has been looking at me differently it seems like. I've caught him basically checking out my body. Not in a weird way really, just like a young man with hormones I guess."

"I'm sure," Sylvia said. "Its probably hard for him to get that image out of his head. You are a beautiful woman."

"I'm his mom," I protested. "I'm sure he doesn't think of me in that way."

"You just said you see him checking out your body," she countered.

"I didn't mean it like that. Its not sexual or anything like that."

"I wouldn't be too sure. A lot of boys have a thing for their mothers," Sylvia said. "I've noticed looks from David too and he didn't see me moaning and masturbating."

"Shut up," I snapped. "I still can't believe that happened. Its so embarrassing."

"I can almost guarantee that he's jerked off thinking about you." Sylvia smirked. I was appalled.

"Don't joke about that!"

"I'm not joking." She got a serious look on her face. "Can I tell you something?"

"Of course."

"Since David came back home from school, I've noticed that my panties have been going missing from my dirty clothes." She looked down and embarrassed, then back up at me expectantly.

"What? I don't understand.." I said.

"He's taking my used panties and using them to jerk off."

"Using them how?" I asked.

"I assume he's.. sniffing them. They are used." she said, embarrassed. "That's not all, though. I was confused about it, so I went on his computer and snooped a little bit."

"Oh God. That's not a good idea." I didn't even want to hear it. "You know he's looking at porn. Why do you want to see that?"

"Amanda.." Sylvia looked me dead in the eyes. "He looks at incest stuff. Mother and son. Like, exclusively. The only thing he's getting off to. Well, that and my used panties."

"Oh my God." I didn't know what to say. "I can't believe there is porn like that."

"Seriously? There's a lot of stuff like that. A ton. He goes to these forums where people talk about seducing their moms or seducing their sons. I don't know if its all fake or what, but there is a lot of it out there."

"See? Nothing good can come from looking at a teenager's internet history. What are you going to do?"

"I'm not gonna say anything to him. How can I? I can't do anything. Its fucking with my head, Amanda."

"I can imagine," I said. "Are you going to hide your panties so he can't take them?"

"No. And the fucked up thing..." She trailed off. She had an almost pained expression on her face.

"Sylvia?"

"...knowing this and seeing him looking at me.. It makes my panties fucking soaked." She hung her head in shame. I looked at her orange bikini bottoms and saw a wet spot. I noted my own. I was wet.

"Fuck.." I whispered.

Sylvia and I stared off into space. I was confused. My brain wouldn't even allow me to think of my own son in any kind of sexual way, but images of Sylvia and David danced in my mind and was causing a serious flood of intense arousal and shame.

"I don't know what to do," she said, tears forming in her eyes.

"Do you feel safe there?" I asked her.

"Yes. Its not that.. That's not what I mean." She said. Her voice was breaking. "Its not him that scares me."

"What do you mean, Syl?"

She looked pleadingly into my eyes. "Its what I'm feeling. I'm a bad mother."

"You're a good mother. You didn't do anything. What are you talking about?" She didn't say anything. "Syl, I love you, I'm not gonna judge you, you can tell me."

"Amanda.." She hugged me. "I can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop masturbating over it. I feel like I'm losing my mind." She was sobbing.

Did she just say she can't stop masturbating over it? What?

"Can you do something for me?" She asked tearfully. "Look at Robbie's computer.."

"I can't do that," I said as I tried to soothe her. "He keeps it in his room. There's probably passwords."

"Just try."

"I don't want to invade his privacy. There's no reason for me to do that, Syl. Why do you want me to?"

"David's stuff was just up on there. Easy to find, like he wanted me to see it if I looked. And on the forums, people are always suggesting leaving stuff on your computer for your mom to find as a way to test the waters."

"I don't want to test the waters. I don't want to know."

"Okay. I'm sorry." She looked stricken.

"Its okay. But maybe you should talk to someone. And David too."

"Like therapy? I don't know." Sylvia was wiping her tears away as she sat back. "I don't think I could do that. It'd be out in the open. I couldn't."

"I'm here for you," I said. "Just relax. You need to set boundaries for David. Don't let him take your underwear and masturbate with it. That's not right. Are you getting it back?"

"Yeah. He puts it back. I can't say anything to him."

"Then keep it away from him."

"Then he'll know I know!"

"Alright. Just don't think about it. He'll be going back to school. Its probably just a phase."

After a while, she had calmed down and was getting ready to leave. We said our goodbyes and I urged her to call me if she needed to talk and to take it easy and not dwell on it. As she walked out to her car, I stayed on the front porch and Robbie pulled in. He had his lifeguard gear on.

"Hi, Mrs. Rosen," he said in passing as they passed each other. He was a handsome boy.

Stop, Amanda.

The next few days, I had trouble keeping myself from thinking about it. I was up early one morning in the kitchen in a light robe as my son was leaving for work. I could feel his eyes on me more than ever and I avoided eye contact with him. He seemed to be brazenly looking at me from my peripheral vision but I never looked up to confirm it. As soon as I heard his car leave, I couldn't help it. I needed to quash this in my mind. I went to his room and opened his laptop. No password.

Nothing was left up and I breathed a sigh of relief. See? Don't get yourself worked up over nothing. I opened up Chrome and looked at the history. It was totally empty. Deleted. Fine. That's fair. I was about to close the laptop when I noticed a small thumbnail of an eerily familiar image of a woman in a bikini at the beach on his desktop.

No.. I opened it.

It was an image of me from a vacation two years ago. It was nothing bad but what was it doing there? There's an innocent explanation for this. I noticed he also had Safari internet browser so I opened it. The history here wasn't deleted.

Fuck.. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Video sites, Tumblr pages, Taboo Sex Stories, forums. The titles alone were unfathomable. "Mother-Son Secrets", "Man of the House", "Soccer-Mom Sex Club", "Moms at the Beach", "Mother-Son Sex Therapy", "Incest Island", "Bound for My Son".. I shuddered. Why did I look? But I couldn't stop myself. I went to a site called "Their Own Moms" that had captioned images and gifs of all kinds of hardcore mother-son sex. I went to the forum pages and checked if his login was saved. It was. I looked on his post history.

He left a detailed post about the day he saw me masturbating. He described me naked, red faced, covered in sweat, gyrating, screaming, squirting, and cumming. I felt like I was going to faint. He talked about the face I made when I came. The fright on my face when I saw him but continued squirting and cumming. How I reacted after, yelling at him. He wrote about how it woke something in him and he went back to his room and masturbated to the most intense orgasm of his life imagining sex with me. He said that seeing his mother is such a state of sexuality had changed his perception of her forever.

It made me sad when I read how he described our relationship. It hurt that he said we weren't close anymore and there was a distance and tension between us. He didn't feel comfortable to express himself to me because he'd always been attracted to me, and this experience brought it to another level and he wanted to do something about it. He also talked about admitting his feelings to his friend who in turn had admitted he wanted to fuck his own mom. I'm sure that this was David and Sylvia.

Holy shit, I thought. Did this all start because of me? Everything Sylvia is going through. No. It went deeper.

I felt ill. My head was spinning. I closed everything out on the laptop and put it back how I found it. As I was leaving the room, I hesitated. I started looking around his bed, under the sheets, then under the pillow. And right there I found a pair of my used panties. I put the crouch up to my nose. I could detect the faint but distinct scent of my pussy. I took them with me. I went to my bedroom and cried. I couldn't even function. Sylvia text me about us having dinner but I told her I didn't feel good. I googled "my son is sexually attracted to me". I found an advice site from a psychologist where she recommended having a heart to heart with the son, letting him know you aren't angry but telling him it isn't right and he needs to go to therapy. I went to other places like Quora and Yahoo Answers. The advice from a lot of the comments were less helpful and some shocked me but I kept reading. People claiming to be in incestuous relationships telling how they got started. There were people recommending beginning a sexual relationship claiming it was the most intense sexual pleasure mixed with deep unconditional love. Fuck, I'm getting wet. Images of my son going to his room after seeing me that day and masturbating filled my mind. I kept pushing it away but it kept coming back.