The Fappening

My cock was small I guess, I don't know I've never seen another one in person before. It was around three inches long when it was flaccid, sort of dwarfed by largish balls (the most difficult thing to conceal). Definitely smaller than Bella Radnor's flaccid penis had been. When I was aroused it would grow much thicker and a little bit longer, maybe four inches, four and a half like now when I was really aroused. I was circumcised, the tip was the same pink color of my nipples. The shaft was the same olive color as the rest of my skin and it was very smooth, not veiny. Like Bella Radnor, I was waxed totally smooth (something I did myself). My cock was now quite hard, and listing a little to the left, but not touching my thigh. It ached like I'd never felt before, my balls felt impossibly heavy.

As I said, I was not very experienced with sex. I mean I was virgin, but I wasn't even very experienced with having sex by myself. But that day, I knew exactly what I wanted. My right hand returned to my breast, pinching at the nipple and kneading the skin. At the same time I flopped back onto the bed, on my back. My head was now on the pillow and I adjusted the iPad so that it was resting on the pillow next to me. I turned my head so I was facing it. At the same time I spread my legs wide.

My left hand now started to snake down my body. I felt my palm move down across my abdomen, over the swell of my stomach. I felt my fingertips graze my rigid cock. I gasped slightly. My entire body thrummed as the pads of my finger pressed into my smooth skin. I'd never felt anything like it before. I didn't know that I could be so...sensitive. As my cock became used to my touch, I carefully wrapped my fingers around it. The flesh felt harder, tauter than I'd ever experienced before. It was like I could feel the muscles tightening against my palm. My fingers wrapped all the way around myself and I moaned gently. I began to move my hand up and down on my shaft, very slowly, but very tightly. I was afraid that the pleasure I felt would be too intense if I moved more quickly.

Involuntarily, my right had had begun to squeeze on my breast more tightly. I loosened it slightly as the skin was starting to ache. I looked over at the picture. I looked at Bella Radnor's eyes. There was something about the glint in them, the way she was looking at the camera...it felt like she was looking right at me. I mean, it was like she was seeing me through the photograph. I knew that wasn't the case, I hadn't lost my mind or anything. It was just a feeling, it made me tingle all over...just the thought of it.

I started to pull a little harder on my cock. Not faster, if anything slower, just harder. I tugged hard on my skin so that it pulled up, sort of wrapping up over the bulbous tip of my circumcised cock. I pulled my skin so tight that it actually started to look like I still have my foreskin. When I pulled it all the way up, I held it there. I think the only thing keeping me from finishing right then was the pressure around the tip. I had barely noticed that while I had been doing this, my eyes had moved from Bella Radnor's sparkling eyes down to her rigid cock. It was beautiful.

But that wasn't the only surprise. The pressure on my breasts had completely dissipated. I was nearly shocked to see my right hand snaking down my body. I felt my palm glide down over my ribs, across the side of my belly and then against my hip bone. My hips were flexing then, my legs spreading wider, spreading so they looked like Bella Radnor's legs. It was only when my hand started to slide down the olive expanse of my inner thigh, in between my legs that I realized I was moving it at all. And where it was going.

Even when I understood what I was doing, I didn't stop. I kept my left hand grasped tightly around my throbbing cock and I kept my eyes on Bella Radnor. I was looking at her smooth belly now, marveling at the pearly liquid that was spread all over it. Wondering how warm and silky it felt against her skin.

It was while I was reveling in that thought that I felt my fingers on my right hand gently brush against my scrotum. My balls, feeling heavy and weighted, seized up slightly as my nails grazed across them. I moaned and stared at Bella Radnor's tight little balls. My fingers kept pushing forward and after a half second I groaned loudly and felt a sort of electric sensation in my shoulders. I could feel the sensation pulsing up through me. And it started right were my long, slender index finger was pressing against the crinkled, dense flesh of my anus.

I had never, ever even thought about incorporating anything like...this into my solo activities. I didn't even know that it was a thing that someone could do. But as the pad of my finger started to slide against the folded flesh, I felt my nipples grow even harder. Goosebumps broke out all over my body. The thousands of little nerves around my asshole came alive, tingling. I'd never felt anything like it. My hand, wrapped around my cock didn't so much stroke anymore, it sort of rippled and pulsated around the taut flesh.

I stayed in this position for...a long time. I really cannot say how long. My left hand continued to throb around my hard dick while my left hand fingers played teasingly at my anus. My skin felt like it was on fire with some sort of frozen flame and my nipples ached to be pulled. But I couldn't move my hands. And I couldn't move my eyes either. They scanned up and down Bella Radnor's nude body, taking in every inch of her beauty and her humiliation. My own touch was powerful, but I knew where the sexual tension and the desire was really coming from...it was from the picture.

After a while, this tension grew too great. The arousal and shame were still spiraling up and up, growing exponentially with each passing minute. And I knew that I needed a release. And I also knew, more importantly, that I wasn't done. I wasn't yet...I didn't yet really know what it was to be Bella Radnor. Or something like that.

Regardless, my fingers on my right hand brushed one more time against the tensed skin of my anus. It felt wrong to move them away, to change my position, but I knew that I had to, so I moved quickly. Like I said, I'd never incorporated anything having to do with...my ass into any of my sexual exploration before. I'd never seen anyone else, not even internet porn or anything (I hardly ever looked, and then only for very tame things). But I knew enough about the mechanics of the body to know that I needed lube. What's more, I knew that I didn't own any kind of lubricate, at least not actual lubricate (moisturizer, lotion, that kind of stuff, maybe). So I needed to make my own.

My right hand quickly flew up to my mouth. I didn't even really plan what I was doing, or think about where my fingers had just been. Instead, I hungrily took my fingers between my lips. In a moment, I felt my tongue pressing against my fingertips, bathing them in my saliva. My fingers, especially my index finger, had a strange, earthy flavor to them. It was bad or dirty, I wasn't unclean. It was just...different. And exciting. Soon my tongue was flying around my fingers, sliding in between them and coating them in spit.

As good as it tasted and felt to lick at my fingers, I continued to stare at Bella Radnor. It felt almost like she was moving. Like she was there next to me, pushing me forward. Begging me to be like her. I almost felt like I saw her wink at me, with those sparkly eyes. That was enough for me. I left a large glob of thick, white saliva on my fingers. I quickly moved my fingers back down quickly, back between my legs.

My left hand stopped undulating around my cock (which was now far harder than it had ever been). I just held tight while my right hand once again found its way underneath of my balls. The saliva had grown cool on its rapid trip down from my trembling lips and I shivered a bit as the pads of my fingers pressed against my anus. In order to warm it up, and to lube up my asshole, I began to spread the saliva around. With my fingertips soaked I explored the gentle folds of my skin. Soon, the whole area felt slick and warm. I closed my eyes for a moment and moaned loudly. But soon I opened them again, so that I could continue to look at Bella Radnor. I saw a glossy, glowing spot on the visible top of her asscheek, the spot where her own lube or spit was spread. That seemed like a sign.

The middle finger on my right hand was still very wet from my lips and my anus was extremely slick. I didn't really know what I was doing, but, in all honesty, it wasn't rocket science. Besides, my body seemed to know instinctively what to do. My hips pressed down and my fingers pressed up on their own accord. I felt my fingertip press against the dense skin of my anus. It naturally slid down towards the middle, towards my slick opening. I pushed harder and I felt a slight pinch. It hurt...but it felt good as well.

I pushed harder. It seemed like my body recognized what I was trying to do and, after a slightly more intense pinch, my asshole sort of...gave way for me. It opened up to my finger. I felt the crinkled skin part and the tip of my finger entered my body. I was so wet that I slipped easily in to the first knuckle. I gasped at the sudden sensations. My insides were slick and tight and squeezed tightly around my finger. I felt so incredibly full, like that little finger tip had taken up all the space inside of my body.

My eyes flickered over to Bella Radnor. I saw her fingers pressed tightly up against the skin of her ass. I her knuckle pressing hard against her tight purple-pink anus. I didn't hesitate. Despite the pressure, I kept pushing my finger harder and deeper into my body. Every millimeter felt like I was going to break myself in half, but then my body would make room for me. My insides grew warm, softer, more pillowing. It was only squeezing me uncomfortably tight right near the anus. The rest of my insides felt welcoming. And electric. Soon, I wanted to get more inside of me. I kept working, sometimes pulling out slightly to get a better angle, but always working to fill my body.

Deeper and deeper I went, thrusting my finger into my asshole until...I felt my knuckles press against the hot skin of my ass. I pushed again, feeling the intense resistance of my body and moaning loudly. Then I realized what had happened. My finger was completely inside of my asshole. I groaned at the realization and, for the first time, I allowed myself to feel what I was feeling.

My finger felt divine. The insides of my asshole were so...perfect. I'd never felt anything like it. It was so warm...so smooth. It was tight without being constricting. My anus held my finger in place, but it no longer felt uncomfortable. It felt like it was keeping my hand close, keeping it where I would feel the most pleasure. And the pleasure was not relegated solely to my finger. No, my entire body felt warm. Nerves and tendrils shot out from my anus and swept all over my body. Even the slightest movement of my last knuckle would send waves of pleasuring shooting off in odd, unpredictable directions. More hit that perhaps any other spot was my nipples. They were straining very hard now, they look like they wanted to burst. But it was even more intense in my cock. I can't really explain what it felt like. But there was clearly some connection between my dick and my asshole. I sort of instinctively stroked my insides with my finger and my cock quivered and vibrated in response.

The sensations were so beautiful and so all-encompassing that, for a moment, I had nearly forgotten what I was doing. But my eyes fluttered while I moaned and, once again, Bella Radnor filled my field of vision. The whole photograph now. Every inch of her beautiful, debased body. I looked away for a minute, looked at my own body. I saw the swell of my breasts with the hard little nubs of my nipples point up towards the ceiling, I saw the gentle slope of my flat stomach and then I saw the shaft of my penis growing up, pointing between my breasts. The tip look dark red, squeezed in my left palm, my skin pulled up tight around it. I saw my balls below that, slung low between my legs. I saw my right hand, pressed hard against my asshole, I could feel my finger inside of me. I turned back to Bella again. It was perfect...we were the same.

That thought broke any sense of control that I had over myself. I kept my eyes on Bella Radnor, but I couldn't deny myself any longer. I had done it. I had done all of it. And that had pushed the arousal and the shame to equal heights. Those emotions were towering over my body, too heavy and too narrow to stand any longer. I knew that they were going to come crashing down. And I needed to make it happen.

My left hand began to frantically stroke my cock. I was no longer holding up skin up against the tip, I couldn't think about that now. I just kept my palm against the smooth, hard flesh of my dick, squeezing up and down as fast as my hands could move. At the same time, my finger moved frantically inside of my ass. I had no idea what I was doing, so I made up for it in the passion of my movements. I curled my finger, feeling all around my insides. I shoved it hard into myself, pushing it as far as I could.

With Bella Radnor in my vision and in my head, I couldn't last long. It was probably only another couple of seconds at that point. I felt the physical aspects first. I felt my back arch extremely hard and my feet planted on the bed. My ass lifted up off of the comforter and my fingers and my toes clenched tight. My balls sort of seized against my fingers. I wanted to close my eyes, but I kept them open looking. The tension built to an unbearable crescendo.

Then it happened. I'd never felt anything like it. There wasn't a sort of building up of sensation followed by a slow, steady drop off. Instead, I was hit with the full force of an orgasm in the span of a single second. A feeling of intense, electrical warmth spread out from my cock and then rocketed through my body in more time than it took me to gasp at the power of the feeling. I could feel the orgasm pulling in the energy of my arousal and my shame, pulling them together and fusing them in the intense heat of my pleasure...it was something more than an orgasm. All of my nerves were overwhelmed at once. Everything physical and emotional...it was all just too much. It isn't possible to describe. I can't convey what I felt. I just knew that this was more than masturbation. It was more than even sex. It was...something deeper.

While the sensation of the orgasm happened in half an instant. It took me a little bit of time to recover. I lay on the bed, panting and moaning for nearly a minute afterwards, trying to remember who I was and how I had gotten here. Slowly, my eyes sort of came back into focus. The normal sensation of my skin came back to me. I could feel warm pools of wetness then. My eyes fluttered down and I saw...oh God it was too perfect and terrible. I had cum more than I had ever cum before. In fact, my cock was still twitching and dripping in my hand. I looked...just like Bella Radnor. There was a pool of cum in my bellybutton, warm and smooth. There were drips all up my body, I could see some on my right nipple. There was cum in the hollow of my neck.

A sudden thought seized me. I didn't even need to look. Quickly bit my lower lip, my teeth and my top lip draping over it. Just like I'd hoped (and known) I felt a wet warmth against them. In a moment, I felt an unfamiliar, salty, exotic taste fill my mouth and my nose. For the first time in my life, I tasted my own sperm (or any sperm really). And the taste was wonderful and horrible all at once. I let it slip into my mouth, I let the stick liquid drip over my tongue and the scent fill my nose. I swallowed it down, loving and hating it. But I kept biting my lip.

And, once again seemingly on instinct, my eyes turned back to Bella Radnor. And there she was, looking at me on the iPad screen. And I knew that I looked exactly like her. Exactly like her in every single way that mattered. And that the only thing different was that I was hidden and she wasn't.

Just like that, a spell was broken. And I started to cry. And I didn't stop for the rest of the day.

Part II: The Fallout

A lot changed after that day I guess. Most of it for the good and almost all of it unrelated to Bella Radnor's problems. Production continued on my show and there were now official, serious negotiations in the works between my agent and the studio regarding my movie tie-in. From what I understood, my silver screen debut as my character from Fallen was a matter of when, not if. More importantly, my profile continued to rise. I was all over magazines and tabloid shows like before, but now I was getting interviewed on national and international media to promote my show. I was on Conan and a couple of those other late night shows, even a few late-night shows on the BBC. My face was everywhere and my name was everywhere. Jayne Catalina: It Girl. And it was all so exciting. And terrifying. I guess some of the fear is just the nature of fame: losing yourself to the masses who love the idea of you. But of course, for me, it was so much more than that.

It was Bella Radnor.

Because as I watched my own star begin to rise, I watched from afar as Bella Radnor's dropped. I guess I was torn by twin impulses. On the one hand I felt completely ashamed of...everything about Bella Radnor. I knew that I had violated her privacy (along with thousands of others) and I tried to be respectful now, to make up for it. I tried to avoid learning about what was happening with her, I tried to respect her privacy. But the old curiosity was still there. I still wanted...hell, needed to know what was going on with her. And so while the better angels of my nature tried to steer me in a respectful course, I always found that I circled back. Back to the tabloids and the blogs, to find out what had happened to her and where she would go next.

It had taken a long time for her to resurface after the data breach. She kept total silence for days and that just seemed to feed the monster. I guess some people were waiting for her to come out and deny everything somehow. Like claim that the transwoman in the picture was her stunt double or something and put an end to it. And then, when she didn't say anything, it set in with the world who she was and what she was. And people freaked out. I mean all over.

Of course there were the bigots and they were by far the worst. I went onto a story one time to read about her, right before she broke her silence, but I immediately scrolled down to the comments. They were...too brutal to recall now. Suffice it to say that in the imaginations of the confused and "betrayed" conservative males of the internet, Bella Radnor had been raped and murdered a million times over. The more polite bigots weren't much better. Even politicians and television personalities had to pile up on Bella Radnor for "lying and deceiving" the public. She was diagnosed by TV quacks and pundits alike as mentally unstable.

Almost as bad though were Bella Radnor's so-called "allies." People popped out of the woodwork with demands on her. Some, before offering any kind of support, berated her for not being "open" about her identity from the beginning. Then they essentially demanded that she become a spokesperson for LGBTQ Rights. Like right at that moment. To come out of her humiliation and be a hero to a community that she didn't even really know or understand. It was like they only saw her as a symbol or a means to an end. They didn't recognize that a person was there and that she was hurt.

She made that abundantly clear when she finally returned, briefly, to the public world. Her nationally televised interview on prime-time news was a national event. The ratings were spectacular. I know because the news that night was my lead-in. Residual viewers gave me the highest ratings for Fallen in the history of the show. And it was during sweeps.