The Favourite

The reason for Becky's pleasure was immediately apparent to me as I pressed my eye to the faint line of light between the door and frame. Once again she was topless, or perhaps less clothed even than that, a fact that stopped my breathing instantly upon my realization. The rest of the scene pierced my brain in stages. Mike was there too, lying underneath Becky. Neither of them seemed to have any clothes on at all. Becky was straddling him and...

I clamped a hand over my mouth as I put it all together. It felt impossible, like a sick dream, but it wasn't. It was real. My brother and sister were having sex.

I pulled my face away from the door, my breathlessness having changed hyperventilation. My heart pounded painfully in my chest as I tried to regain control of my body. My hands shook uncontrollably and my legs only barely held me upright. I had no idea how to process what I'd just seen. I was lost and adrift in a sea of uncertainty.

For several long moments I stood unmoving, seeing nothing and hearing only the soft, barely audible sounds of sex floating into the hallway. I didn't want to look again; I would have much preferred to leave and wipe the memory from my mind and not have to deal with it anymore. There was no way that was happening though. Despite the circumstances, curiousity was still a more powerful force than any other in my mind.

I carefully repositioned myself to peer through the crack in the doorway. The scene remained much the same as it had moments ago. Becky was still gloriously naked and grinding away on top of Mike. His hands were all over her, sliding indiscriminately from her butt to her boobs and back down to her tummy as he saw fit. It was the way he touched her that really pushed the realization to the front of my mind. What I felt wasn't disgust, or anger, or a sense of moral indignation; I was jealous. Utterly, insanely jealous.

Once the mental walls started coming down, I was subjected to a torrent of memories. There had been plenty of times that I'd seen Becky in various states of undress, or had weird dreams about her, or just the occasional fleeting fantasy. Masturbating in the shower hadn't been the first time I'd thought about my sister that way, not even close. I'd always been able to repress my feelings, to hide them from myself. The truth had been waiting, lurking inside of me, perhaps for years. Watching her grind on Mike destroyed all my defenses and left me with the sensation, the knowledge, that I wanted it to be me instead.

It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair at all. I was finally facing an important truth about my desires, and it had to come simultaneously with the fact that said desires could never be anything more than wishes. Maybe I'd never had a chance anyway; I'd never been given the slightest hint that Becky liked girls that way, let alone her little sister. Either way, it was crushing to have my pre-emptive failure rubbed in my face.

As if all of that wasn't bad enough, I actually found myself getting turned on as I watched. Freakishly jealous and emotionally crushed as I was, the object of my latent desires was right in front of me, naked and sexual. That my brother was there too didn't seem to matter to certain parts of my body.

I shifted uncomfortably, trying to ignore the faint tingling of my pussy. It was tempting to touch myself a little, even though the thought was also kind of horrifying. I needed to get a grip. Actually, I probably just needed to stop watching. Becky's lithe, sensual curves were enticing, her movements hypnotizing, and I couldn't bring myself to look away. My clit twinged in apparent protest at its neglect.

Suddenly Becky looked up. I'd pressed my luck for too long. One of them had been bound to notice something amiss eventually. Her brow creased into a frown as she looked straight at me. I scooted to the side, away from the crack in the doorway. I had no idea if I'd been spotted, or if my sister had only noticed the door being unexpectedly ajar. It didn't matter. I had to get out of there. I sprinted back down the hallway to my room as fast as I possibly could without making any noise. I didn't hear any sounds behind me, though I didn't dare look back to make sure I'd gotten away clean.

I stopped in my mad dash just long enough to close the door to my room behind me, then flopped onto my bed. I grabbed one of my pillows and clutched it tightly to me, burying my face in it as though it would protect me. My heart pounded at the thought that any minute I might hear angry knocking, that Becky or Mike would have followed me, that they knew what I'd seen. The seconds passed in silence, however, and I was able to eventually calm down a little.

Once my breathing had slowed and my chest no longer felt like it was going to explode, I released my death grip on my pillow and tried to organize my thoughts. It wasn't any use, there was just too much going on in my head. I was still wearing my towel, though it had come loose. I pulled it the rest of the way off and burrowed myself naked under my covers. I hoped I'd be able to sleep, because the prospect of staying up all night thinking terrified me.

****

The next thing I knew, it was morning. Despite my head full of troubles, I'd managed to fall asleep after all. I frowned and tried to remember how long I'd been up tossing and turning, but it was all kind of a blur. The important parts were still there; the image of Becky and Mike naked together... that was probably etched permanently in my brain.

I thought about getting up. The sunlight was flooding in my window, and I heard the sounds of other people in the house. I didn't want to check the time, as though by not knowing for sure what it was, it somehow wouldn't affect me. I sighed and rolled over, closing my eyes firmly and wishing myself back into sleep. It didn't work, but my bed was warm and comfortable, and I was content just to lie there for a while.

I didn't react when someone tapped softly at my door. I thought about telling them to go away, but even that was too much effort for me. I had hopes that if I stayed perfectly still for long enough, the world would evaporate around me and leave me to my warm oblivion.

"Allie?"

I cringed as Becky's voice came through the door. A second later, I heard it open and my sister walk in. I feigned sleep as best I could, hoping it would be enough to fool her.

"Allie, you gotta get up. You can't sleep all day."

Becky stepped closer to my bed. The mattress sagged slightly as she sat down next to me and put a hand on my shoulder. She shook me gently, trying to wake me up. I stubbornly refused to move.

"I know you're awake. If you're faking being sick, you still have to at least answer me."

"M'not sick," I mumbled, finally relenting. "Jus' don't wanna get up."

"Any particular reason why?"

"No. Just don't."

Becky sighed and let her hand drift down to rub my back a little. It felt nice, but also kind of made me want to flinch away. My conflicting feelings from the previous night were still all too present.

"You seemed fine last night. I don't understand what could have changed between now and then."

Everything. Everything had changed. If only I had a way to convey that without actually going into details. I wasn't ready for that conversation. Maybe I never would be.

"I just... I found something out I wish I hadn't. I don't really wanna talk about it."

Becky's hand froze in place and she didn't respond to me for a few seconds. Cautiously, I cracked one eye open and shifted my head a little. She wasn't moving or even looking at me. She was staring out the window into the distance, and I suspected she wasn't even looking at anything in particular.

"You did see us, didn't you?" she said softly.

"What?"

"Last night. I hoped... I hoped I'd just left the door open accidentally, but I didn't, did I?"

I briefly considered denying everything. Maybe she would even have believed the lie. Maybe. I couldn't do that though, not when I knew it would haunt me for the foreseeable future if we didn't get it all out now.

"No, you didn't leave the door open."

Becky jerked away from me, her expression collapsing from detached neutrality to abject regret.

"Oh god, I'm sorry Allie. I... shit, I'm sorry."

She turned away from me and covered her face with her hands. Her breathing was shaky, seemingly on the verge of sobbing. I didn't understand what just happened. I was the one who'd been snooping.

"It's okay," I said.

I sat up and reached out to put my hand on her shoulder. She flinched at the contact, but didn't try to push me away.

"I never meant for you to find out. Not like that. Especially not like that. Fuck, it's no wonder you didn't want to get up this morning."

"I... well, yeah. But come on, we can talk about it. Or something."

I found myself in the bizarre situation of trying to reassure my sister, when only moments before I'd still been completely unable to deal with everything myself. Somehow, seeing her need for comfort made it easier to push my own feelings to the background.

Becky smiled weakly, then looked away again. I realized belatedly that my blanket had fallen away, and that I was naked underneath. I felt kind of stupid for contributing unnecessarily to the awkwardness.

"I'd understand if you hate me. Me and Mike. I mean, I hope you can get over it, but I know-"

"I don't hate you," I said firmly. "I could never hate you."

"Okay, maybe that was the wrong word for it. But, like, we're the reason you didn't want to get out of bed today, right? You're obviously upset."

I shrugged. "I kind of am. Just... not the way you think."

My voice trailed off until the last word was little more than a whisper. Becky's face registered confusion.

"What do you mean? You're not making any sense. I... I want to help, if I can. I want to make things right."

I smiled humourlessly. "I don't think you can in this case."

"Well at least let me try. Just talk to me. Please?"

Just talk to her. Right. What was I supposed to say? How could I explain how I felt about her when I didn't even fully understand it myself. She looked at me so pitifully, so full of need to make things okay between us. I got lost in her eyes for a moment, staring into those round pools of emotion. I was struck once again by just beautiful she was to me. I hated to see her as anything but happy.

"Allie, please," she said when I remained silent. "Just talk to me."

My attention was drawn from her eyes to her lips. They had taken on a slight pout, which only increased my interest in them. She wanted me to communicate my feelings? I could do that. I knew exactly how to get everything across that I needed to. Of course, she might just be the one to hate me afterward.

"Allie..." she pleaded.

I gave in. My self-restraint vanished in an instant and I darted forward, completely surprising my sister. I pressed my lips firmly to hers, giving her no room to misinterpret my action. She was frozen at first, clearly unsure of what was happening. Even when I felt her relax a little, she didn't immediately pull away. Her hand went to my bare shoulder, but only rested there instead of trying to put space between us.

I was the one who finally broke the kiss, which I hadn't expected. Then again, I had no idea what I'd expected. I hadn't had a chance to think through any of the possible scenarios or repercussions before acting. All I knew was that Becky shouldn't have been nearly so calm about the whole thing.

"So that's it, is it?" she said softly.

"Um... yeah. I guess."

I blushed and looked away. My naked torso seemed even more exposed than it had a moment ago. I resisted the urge to cover myself since at that point it would have been both pointless and more embarrassing than pretending not to care. Besides, shouldn't I want her to look? Arguably, any interest she showed could be construed as a good sign.

The silence dragged on for far too long. It was probably only a few seconds in reality, but in my mind it felt like so much longer. I couldn't stand not knowing what she was thinking.

"Do you hate me now?" I blurted.

The smile she gave me, while slightly patronizing, was somehow reassuring all on its own.

"Of course not. No more than you hate me for... you know."

I bit my lip and tried not to show my irritation. I didn't want her bringing up her and Mike, not when the conversation was supposed to be about her and me. That was kind of selfish, but it was how I felt.

Becky raised her hand to my cheek, moving slowly to give me the opportunity to stop her if I wanted to. I remained still, letting my eyes half-close as her fingers brushed my skin ever so gently. She pushed my hair back behind my ear for me before letting her hand fall back down to her leg. I missed her touch as soon as it was gone.

"I can see your boobies," she said, a soft hint of teasing in her voice.

"I know. I... kinda saw yours yesterday too."

"In hindsight, I guess that wasn't very fair of me, was it?"

I shrugged. "It's not like you could have known. Even I didn't really know."

She arched an eyebrow. "Really? So you... like, last night..."

"I figured some things out. Kinda wish I hadn't, in some ways."

I hugged my knees to my chest, which had the unintended side-effect of covering my breasts somewhat. I desperately wanted some sign from my sister that she felt the same sort of things for me as I did for her. It seemed unlikely that I'd get my wish.

"It's never a bad thing to learn things about yourself," she said. "It's better than the confusion you have to deal with otherwise. Believe it or not, I'm glad you didn't hide it from me."

I hugged my legs more firmly, resting my chin on my knee.

"But you don't feel that way about me," I said, knowing that the words were coming.

"Allie, don't think about it that way." She reached for me again, and this time I did flinch away. She sighed and lowered her hand. "It's complicated. You know it's complicated."

"No it's not. You like Mike better. It's not that complicated."

I was fighting tears. It wasn't a battle I could win, only one I could delay. I needed to get Becky out of my room before I broke down completely.

"Why is it always a competition with you two?" She gave me a crooked grin. "I mean, I don't mind being the centre of attention, but-" Becky broke off as she realized that joking wasn't going to help. I could barely even look at her. "I don't like him better, Allie. You must know that. I love both of you."

"Yeah, but... just..." I shook my head and tried to blink away the water gathering in my eyes. It wasn't working. "I just need to think. Okay?"

"Are you sure? I can stay home today and we can talk this all out."

"No, that... that wouldn't help. I need a little space. Please?"

I tried to fake a confident smile. Becky clearly didn't buy it, but she also didn't press the issue.

"Okay. We'll talk tonight. Promise me you won't avoid me?"

I opened my mouth, then closed it. I felt a sob rising instead of words. I nodded tightly, then turned my head away.

"I'll tell Mom you aren't feeling well," Becky said. "Do with that what you will."

I felt her hand on my shoulder for just a second as she stood, giving me a last reassuring squeeze before leaving.

I lasted maybe thirty seconds after Becky left before I started crying. I took some small comfort from knowing that at least she was out of earshot, but otherwise I mostly just hated myself for my weakness. I should have been able to hold myself together better than that. I'd known she wasn't going to return my feelings before our discussion, it wasn't like that was a surprise to me. It hurt. It hurt more than I could handle, and the only person who could have helped was exactly the person who couldn't. It just wasn't fair.

****

I moped around the house for most of the day. Whatever Becky told Mom must have been convincing because I didn't get any prying questions about my staying home from school. I didn't know if being on my own with nothing to distract me from my thoughts was good for me, but I didn't have the motivation for anything else. I hoped I'd be okay next time I talked to my sister.

I found myself gravitating toward Becky's room a couple times during the day. Somehow it felt less lonely than the rest of the house. It was like I was so used to her presence in the room that I could still feel her there even when she wasn't. The feeling was even stronger when I lay in her bed because the sheets held her unique scent. If I closed my eyes, it was easy to imagine her lying right next to me.

Pity party aside, I didn't get as much thinking done during the day as I expected to. I'd hoped to have my emotions sorted out a little by the time everyone got home, but that didn't happen. Between falling asleep in Becky's bed for a few hours and spending the rest of the day trying to stay away from my more depressing thoughts, no real progress was made.

I was sitting on the couch in the living room when Mike got home. I was zoned out and mindlessly watching some Netflix, so I didn't even register his presence in the house until he actually walked into the room.

"Hey, Allie. Feeling better?"

I glanced at him for a second, then back to the tv.

"Yeah, I guess."

"Becky seemed worried about you this morning, but you don't look that sick."

I shrugged noncommittally. Mike seemed determined to press the issue.

"Look," he said. "I don't care if you're faking or whatever, but she was really concerned about you."

I knew she was, but it was hardly for any of the reasons Mike might suspect. I really didn't want to get into the details with him.

"I'm fine now. I'll talk to her when she gets back."

"Well... okay. Good. I guess." He sighed. "I'll let you get back to your show."

I nodded absently. Despite Mike's last statement, he didn't go anywhere. He just kind of stood there, leaning against the wall. I got the feeling he was watching me, although it was more likely he was just watching my show with me. He may even have been following it more intently than me. Unlike me, he probably had the mental capacity for it.

"I thought you were leaving," I said.

"Am I bothering you?"

"No, just... you're just standing there. It's weird."

"Aw, I'm sorry. I wouldn't want to do anything 'weird.'" Unlike his previous, almost sympathetic tone, I now detected a more familiar hint of teasing. "Would it make you feel better if I sat down with you?"

"No. Just do whatever. I don't care."

It was too late; Mike had decided he could amuse himself at my expense. I should have known better than to say anything.

"I'd hate for you to have to sit here all alone. It must have been terrible being by yourself all day."

I rolled my eyes as Mike sat down heavily right next to me. He put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me against him. I knew better than to fight it, he was too much stronger than me for it to do any good.

"Are you done?"

"Done? Done with what?"

"Being a pain."

Mike grinned and mussed up my hair 'affectionately.' I gritted my teeth and pretended like I didn't care.

"You know you love me," he said.

"Says who?"

"I'm your brother. You have to."

"Is that so?"

"Hey, I didn't make the rules. It's just one of those things about being a sibling."

"Is that how you justify it?" I muttered.

He gave me a weird look. "Justify what?"

"Nothing."

Mike kept staring at me for a moment. I watched him out of the corner of my eye until he finally looked back at the tv.

"You're being kinda weird today."

"Yeah, well... your face is weird."

"Your mom's weird," he shot back instantly.

I couldn't help giggling at the retort. My brother had his moments.

"Okay, maybe I love you," I conceded. "But only because I have to."