The Flexi-Butt Championshipbyvicburress©
Like Farrah Fawcett, I have always enjoyed the sensation of a good fart. I love to feel the little bubble of warm air working its way through my shit chute. But ever since I came in second-place in the Flexi-Butt Championship a few months ago, there's not only the sensation but also the dick-stiffening memories.
I saw the posting on Craigslist: "Our small group of wealthy perverts invites everyone with a flexible, stretchable anus and a roomy wet rectum to enter our competition. Compete to see who can get the largest and most irregularly shaped objects up their butts. Contestants must be comfortable with exchanging body fluids with strangers and spreading their cheeks in front of an audience. Top prize is $50,000, although second-place and third-place finishers get a great prize too. No drug users or STDs. To apply, send email with a picture of yourself with your mouse up your ass." Good thing I keep a jar of lube at the computer; I had three wet fingers up my butthole before my pants hit the ground.
That Saturday afternoon, I found myself at the unmarked metal door of a warehouse in an industrial area. No one else was in sight. I pressed the buzzer and identified myself. A synthesized voice said, "Take off all your clothes beneath the waist, place it into the dumpster next to the door, and expose your anus to the surveillance camera." Camera? What camera?
After a few seconds, I found the camera: it was above the door, pointed downwards. To comply with the instructions, I would need to squat on the ground with my ass in the air, as if receiving an enema. I did just that, my penis stiffening as it felt the cool outdoor air. Then I heard the door buzz, and I got up off the cement and walked through the door, with a little droplet of precum on the end of my cock leading the way.
When I pushed my way past the heavy entry door into the room beyond, I found myself in a lobby set up for a cocktail party. People of every description were milling about: men and women, young and old, some couples, some singles. As far as I could tell, I was the only one not wearing any pants, although I would later find out I was definitely not the only one with a hard-on.
An attractive young blonde woman with a clipboard and a Sharpie rolled up to me in her wheelchair. She said, "Hi, [my name]! Almost all the contestants are here! Only one more to go after you! Now turn around and bend over!" Not what you expect a blonde in a wheelchair to say when she first meets you.
But of course I turned around and presented my anus to her eagerly, my cock quivering in anticipation for what she might do to my shitter. Instead, I felt her felt-tip pen write firmly on my right buttcheek. She said, "Number 8! Thanks! You can turn around now. Okay, now here is a very important question: did you move your bowels already today?"
Not being a total newbie at this, I said "Yes, of course."
"Hmm, that's too bad. Because of some of our members' special interests, contestants get extra points if they take a dump here in our special glass toilet. Extra points for size and firmness. Remember this for next year! But now, go through the double doors into the auditorium, and take your seat on stage. We'll get started shortly. And thanks for dribbling precum into my lap."
It was dark in the auditorium, and I staggered down the aisle to the stage without really taking much in. I could hear the buzz of an excited audience all around me. I happened to enter at the right end of the stage where the still-unoccupied chairs were. All at once, I saw that the chair labeled "9" had a huge dildo glued to its seat, pointing upward, the chair labeled "8" had exactly the same, and the chair labeled "7" had a guy sitting down on it, working his anus down onto a dildo with obvious pleasure. His cock was a little shorter than mine, but thicker, and like mine it was dribbling precum. I was so distracted by the sight, and by the tingling in my asshole, that I forgot to check out contestants 1 through 6.
Then suddenly behind me I heard a new voice, a woman's, girlish-sounding and small. "Hey, loser, you act like you never seen a dildo or a cock before!" I jumped slightly and then felt the speaker push by me. She was a small Japanese woman, maybe five feet tall, and she would have weighed no more than a hundred pounds if she had not been extremely pregnant. Like me, number 7, and (as I would eventually notice) every other contestant, she was naked below the waist.
She marched right over to chair number 9, picked up a tube of lubricant from its armrest, smeared lube all over the dildo, and then sat down on it all in once, taking its full length and thickness into her tiny rectum. Then she turned to me and smiled.
As if from nowhere, I heard a shout: "Hey number 8! Lube up and sit down!" Suddenly I remembered I was in front of an audience, and I realized that everyone else on stage was sitting on their fat dildos except for me. Also suddenly, I realized I was tired of feeling like the loser that number 9 had called me. Now it was time to start workin' it.
I picked up my tube of lubricant from my chair, squirted a lot onto the dildo, and spread it out as if I was jacking a cock. Hoots and whoops broke out from the audience, and I felt myself regaining control of the situation. Then I put one leg up on the chair, presented my asshole to the audience, and made them watch as I stuck heavily lubed fingers through my turdhole and stretched it.
People seemed to like that.
Then for good measure I turned to present a profile to the audience. I lubed up my stiff cock and worked it for a few strokes, then, with my tool pointed at the ceiling between my spread legs, I lowered my shit chute down onto the dildo. I felt it bump my prostate when it hit bottom, and a fresh droplet of precum appeared on my cockhead. That got a big round of applause!
Well, actually, the applause turned out not to be for me. The young blonde in the wheelchair rolled out onto stage, smiled, and smoothed her skirt over her knees. Once there was quiet, she spoke:
"Welcome everybody. Well, this was so much fun last year, we decided to do it again! And we have all new fresh meat, oops, I mean new contestants, every one of whom says on their application they enjoy anal abuse. We'll just see about that, won't we?" A big appreciative laugh from the audience out there in the dark.
"Now let me tell the contestants more about how this is going to work. Since a lot of the fucked-up things we're going to make you do require help, if that is the right word, we are pairing you off. Number 1, you'll be with 2. Number 3, you're with 4, and so on. We have an odd number of contestants this year, so we are going to make 7, 8, and 9 be a trio. Speaking of 9, isn't it great to see her back? And with a bun in the oven! Let's give her a big round of applause!"
People went crazy cheering and clapping. The girl who had given me a hard time at first was obviously a crowd favorite, not a good sign. She smiled demurely for the audience and lifted her shirt; she arched her back a little and stuck out her swollen belly, tweaking her nipples. The cheers got louder still.
The emcee interrupted. "Okay, pipe down, everybody! Yes, welcome back, number 9. And I see you're already the points leader, thanks to the enormous dump you took for us in the glass toilet. Jesus, that thing was the size of my forearm. How long had it been since you pinched a log, honey?"
"Six days!" she replied. "And I didn't eat anything but Metamucil for the last two."
"Well, that is amazing, but just what we expect from our returning champion. Anyway, contestants, just two more notes before we begin. First, from time to time our members may feel like coming up on stage and doing... stuff... to you. Not to worry, we've all been screened for STDs, although some of us are extremely dirty in other ways. Second, no trying to sabotage your partners. Or the consequences will be, uh, severe. At least, don't get caught. Okay, anybody need to chicken out?"
Nobody onstage moved. I looked up and down the line of contestants for a second and noticed that most were obviously aroused and most were lightly masturbating.
"All right! Let the games begin!"
While the emcee had been explaining the rules, my eyes had been finally adjusting to the light. Now I could begin to make out faces in the audience, seated on stools around cocktail tables. With a start I noticed that there was a table only six feet in front of me, with a man and a woman seated at it. They both wore greedy and entranced facial expressions as they watched my hand jerk up and down on my swollen cock. They were obviously pretty good friends, because he had his hand down the front of her blouse, and she was groping his hard dick through his slacks.
I leaned back on my chair so that they could see the dildo stretching my anus, and so that they could see how my nuts bounced with each wank. They gasped and began feeling each other more aggressively. In a second, the man made eye contact with me and popped out one of his date's breasts, exposing it to me. It was heavy and pendulous, and its nipple was dark and swollen up to the size of a strawberry.
It is nice to make friends.
But I was interrupted by the emcee's voice. "Okay, contestants! Time for a nice, easy first round. We'd like to give you folks a chance to get to know each other a little better. Everyone down on their hands and knees, facing the direction of lower numbers. When I say go, give the asshole of the person in front of you a thorough French kiss and tongue bath. Those of you on the ends, don't feel left out, because I am going to make you all turn around and go the other way in a few minutes. And do a good job! The judges and I will be watching you, giving points for style, enthusiasm, and getting your tongue all the way in. Now up off those chairs!"
We stood up, the dildos sliding out of our nine gaping anuses with nine wet farting noises. I knelt behind number 7, positioning my face in front of his lube-streaked buttcheeks. Behind me, I felt number 9 moving into position; just to remind me who was boss, she gave my ass a sharp slap.
"On your mark, get ready, TOSS!"
I reached forward and spread the cheeks of number 7, revealing a smoothly shaved asshole shaped like a pretty pink donut. I also noticed his enormous balls; they dangled almost five inches below his torso. I moved forward, licked the back of his nutsack and applied my lips and tongue to his shithole. I inhaled the musky scent of his asscrack as I ran my tongue around the inside rim of his anus; it was so arousing that I could not help reaching around and caressing his dick. He obviously enjoyed it. I heard a muffled "mmm" come from him (muffled because he was talking into number 6's bowels) and he writhed a little under my tongue.
Meanwhile, number 9 was at work on my own itchy shitter. She had a rhythm going: kiss, lick, bite. Those bites were something: tiny little love bites on my rim, very short yet fairly painful. I took it like a man.
"Okay, time to rotate!"
I caught 7's eye as he turned around towards me. He clearly wanted more rimming, but I guess he would have to make do with rimming me.
Then I found 9 staring at me with a taunting facial expression as she held her right buttcheek away from her anus. Her pregnant belly almost touched the floor, and her labia, like her asshole, were swollen and purple. She whispered "Let's see what you got, newbie." Then the emcee shouted "Begin!"
I forgot all about 7, I am sad to say, although I am sure he was busy back there. I grasped 9 by her enormous belly, placed my tongue at her poop chute's entrance, and roughly assfucked her back and forth on my tongue. I was determined to get my tongue all the way up into her colon, and if the way she pushed her ass down on my tongue is any guide, she shared that goal.
I tongue-fucked her shitter for what felt like forever, conscious only of her asshole and a warm moist sensation in my own. But I am sure it was only a few minutes before the emcee shouted "Time's up! And well done. Number three, you have a dingleberry on your face; it looks very cute, and 30 bonus points for you. Please stand up and stay standing, because in a moment we are going to begin what we hilariously call our first 'elimination' round."
I stood up and turned to make eye contact with 9. She was breathing hard. As I watched, she took her fingers away from her clit just long enough to throw aside her shirt, leaving herself totally naked. The veins in her swollen tits stood out clearly, and her nipples were rock-hard. Again she took a hand away from its task of masturbating herself, long enough to flip me a bird. Nice to know she considered me a worthy adversary.
The emcee got everyone's attention again and continued. "Two quick things before we begin our elimination round. First of all, I want to compliment our contestants for jacking off so much. You've all been wanking like monkeys almost since you got up on stage, and it blows my mind that, as far as I can tell, not one of you has cum yet. Especially you boys! I was sure that by now at least one of you would have shot a huge load of thick, sticky white cum for us."
Suddenly there was this stifled moan/grunt. One of the contestants stumbled forward to the edge of the stage--I saw from the writing on his ass that he was number 3--and held his cock out while it shot ropes of semen, over and over again, out into the audience and presumably all over the people at the table directly in front of him. He shot at least 10 blasts, and I was sure I could smell the cum from across the room.
The emcee laughed, "Ha ha, looks like I pushed you over the edge, number 3. Was it all that talk about cum?"
He looked a little sheepish. "Well, yeah."
"Hmm, so you like cum. We will remember that for subsequent rounds. Okay! On to my other housekeeping item. We've been up on stage for some time now, so, contestants, does any of you need to piss? I KNOW you do, number 9."
She said, "Well, yeah. You try walking around with something wiggling on top of your bladder all day." That got another laugh.
And 3 spoke up too. "Hey, I think my boner was holding back my piss. Now that I just squirted, I need to go too."
The emcee said, "Okay! Which table wants 9? Now, dammit, you can't all have her. All right, the table at the far left. And 3, you get the table where they're all waving their wine glasses. I can't imagine what they have in mind."
Contestants 3 and 9 made their way off the stage, and the house lights came up, so I could see the audience clearly for the first time. I don't think I've ever seen that many people partially undressed and masturbating or fucking at once. Number 3 came up to his table, with two men and two women, each with a hand in their neighbors' laps. He flopped his big soft cock into each wineglass in turn, and filled each to overflowing with warm yellow piss. They drank greedily. One of the women poured her wineglass onto one of the cocks she'd been holding and then sucked it aggressively.
Meanwhile, number 9 was being helped onto her table by the people sitting around it. She squatted slightly, spread her legs, and slowly revolved while she hosed down all the people around the table. Using a finger, she played with her strong flow of piss so that it sprayed and splattered everywhere.
There was a round of applause from those few people in the audience who had a free hand. The two pissers came back onto the stage, and, as 9 came back to her seat next to me, she reached over with the finger she'd pissed on and wiped fresh piss onto my upper lip.
Without a second's hesitation, I stuck a finger up my own ass and quickly wiped it on her upper lip. Since my rectum was so clean, it wasn't a very good dirty Sanchez, but it would have to do. She and I glared at each other. I could tell she was very angry and also very aroused. I was too.
"Ah-ha!" said the emcee. "It looks like 8 and 9 are developing a relationship. If they are lucky, they will get to have a nice hatefuck before we are done. But now, elimination time! Get those mops and buckets ready."
"And now," said the emcee, rolling her wheelchair up to the edge of the stage, "it's the moment we've been waiting for: the elimination round! Don't worry, contestants, there won't be any elimination of the brown kind involved, unless you haven't cleaned yourselves properly. I mean that we are going to eliminate some contestants from the competition, and send them home with lovely parting gifts."
That gave me a start. I had been so focused on wanting to fuck the girl next to me that I had totally forgotten about winning the $50,000. Time to get serious! Although, yes, I still hoped I got to ream the shit out of her.
"All right! Now, before we begin, how many contestants do we need to eliminate?" She shaded her eyes to peer out into the auditorium. "Hmm, let's see, about four? Or maybe fewer if, well, if you-know-why? Okay, let's go for about five. Five it is! Now, contestants, here's what I want to know: are your assholes still nice and open?"
She leaned over to number 5, standing just by her. He was a very tall, very thin guy, with an extremely long, thick, semi-hard cock that curved out in front of him like the faucet in a laundry sink. "How about you? Spread 'em. Ooookay, that looks pretty good. A definite gape, but maybe not enough to win. We will see."
The emcee rolled back over to the side of the stage, where a podium stood. She said, "Now contestants, remember those dildos in the chairs you sat on? Yes, you do remember them. I think number 8 remembers them especially fondly." Next to me, number 7 turned to me with a grin and gave my asshole a friendly fingering. I squatted a little to let him get in deeper and grunted appreciatively.
"What I didn't tell you about those dildos, my friends, is that they are..." She reached into the podium and held up a small metal box with a red button mounted on its surface. She finished her sentence triumphantly: "...inflatable!" Then she pressed the button. From behind the stage there came a hiss/thump sound of hydraulic equipment working, and suddenly all the dildos became, in unison, just a little thicker!
"So, team, now we are going to play musical chairs. Pull your chairs around into a circle, and make sure not to trip over the airhoses. While the music is playing, and you're walking around the ring of chairs, you are going to want to stretch your assholes. Do it however you want, as long as the people in the audience can see the penetration.
"When the music stops, you have three seconds to get the nearest dildo fully into your shitter. Anybody who can't get it in is eliminated. Then I press the button again, just like this--" Again the hiss of the hydraulic equipment, and again the dildos got thicker. "--and we do it again! Any questions?"
Number 1 had a question. She was a woman in her early 40s with long brown hair, enormous saggy tits, and a plump ass. She asked, "Is there going to be one less chair than people, like in regular musical chairs?"
"Ha ha, no. The only reason we are making you walk around in circles is so that you'll all have to take the same dirty dildos up your asses. We want your anal secretions to get well mixed. Also, we like the way cocks and tits bounce when you walk, especially your big fat ones, honey. Any other questions? No? Okay, lube up your dildos, and get ready to begin!"
Everybody quickly slathered lube on their dildos and then their own assholes. I put a dollop of lube on my fingers and reached out to 7 next to me. "Hey, good luck," I said with a smile. I meant to smear it on his asshole for him, but my hand wound up connecting with his extremely erect penis. I gave him a quick stroke or two, just to be amusing, but apparently he had been right on the edge! He immediately started spraying cum. Still holding his cock, I turned around and pointed it at my asscrack, so that his thick semen helped to coat and soothe my anus.