The Freshman Ch. 26

She cuddled up to him and fell asleep. For once it was not Jason's bottom that was sore but Cecilia's. He was immensely happy, because he understood that something significant had happened that night when she went over his lap. She had opened herself up to him and, for a few minutes, however brief they might have been, submitted to him. He was well-aware that she had never intended to surrender herself at the beginning of the relationship, but things between them were changing. She had learned that she would need to trust him, and in trusting him would discover the real meaning of love and happiness.

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February ended with another public appearance for Jason in St. Louis. Unlike his previous appearances, Jason was dressed, since he was addressing a college crowd in an auditorium on campus, and his presentation was part of a symposium titled "The Philosophy and Practice of Fashion in Modern America." Jason's audience was a very mixed group, ranging from students who were receptive to public nudity to ones who were downright hostile to the idea.

Jason was dressed in one of his better suits and struck a very dignified image for an 18-year old. However, the truth was he felt much more at ease speaking in the nude than he felt speaking wearing a suit. Given that he was not speaking to an audience of fellow nudists, and that he was standing before the harsh judgment of people his own age, he realized that the St. Louis presentation would be by far the most difficult one he had given so far.

Jason's presentation was restricted in other ways. He knew many of the jokes that drew laughter from fellow nudists would fall flat to an audience not familiar with the quirks and inside humor of the movement. In the end Jason realized that he had better set aside any attempt at humor and give a straightforward appeal to the idea of accepting nudism as a lifestyle.

To prepare his speech he decided to draw upon the experience of the one country where public nudity was a part of daily life, the Grand Duchy of Upper Danubia. He was able to cite the Danubian Church's view on the matter and the sect's hostility towards the fashion industry, incorporating much of the sermon given the previous week by that Danubian Priestess. He was able to draw upon the fact that swimsuits were actually illegal in the Duchy and that families spent their summers at public beaches in the nude and thought nothing of it. He decided to leave out the fact that criminals also were punished be being denied the right to wear any clothing during their sentences, because he wanted to play up the positive aspects of nudity in the Duchy, not the negative ones. However, he anticipated being questioned about that, and asked Cecilia to write Kimberly Lee and get her perspective on the Duchy's use of mandatory nudity to punish criminals.

Kim wrote back that the reasoning behind forcing criminals to be naked throughout their sentences was two-fold. First of all, it made them easy to identify. It also was a useful means to reform petty thieves, because upon being sentenced they had no clothing in which they could conceal weapons or stolen items. Much of the temptation to continue stealing disappeared because it was so difficult for a naked person to take anything and not be noticed.

The second reason behind the sentencing practice was the Danubian religious concept of humility. The Danubians believed that most criminals acted out of selfishness, which was the logical outcome of an over-developed sense of pride and entitlement. The criminal's sentence was designed to strip the criminal's soul by stripping his body, and in doing so force him to accept the fact he had no reason to be proud and was not entitled to anything.

Jason gave his speech, dividing his time on stage between his personal experiences and the collective experience of the Danubian nation. At the end of his speech, sure enough, he was questioned about Danubian sentencing practices and was prepared with an answer. When his critic interjected his objections to Jason's comment about the Danubian justice system, he responded:

"The Danubians have their way of looking at the world and doing things that has kept that nation going for 3000 years. They still have the lowest crime rate in the world, so obviously there's something they're doing right. What is it that makes your values superior to theirs? What is it that makes them wrong and you right?"

Jason surprised himself with his response, which threw the hostile question right back into his critic's face and silenced him. Jason won that small confrontation and succeeded with his goal, to get his audience to re-examine their own values about clothing, fashion, and the human body. He left St. Louis with his reputation as an effective public speaker enhanced and his own self-confidence boosted even more.

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Since the beginning of the year, the Jason pondered what he should do about the CD of pornographic images taped to the back of the drawer of his desk. Although he had fantasized about presenting the CD to Cecilia and getting her to punish him over it, he realized that perhaps the time for doing that had passed. She had not given him a belt-whipping since the fall semester, and Jason sensed that she really had no further desire to do so. The relationship was changing and slowly Cecilia was becoming his equal. More and more she was letting down her guard and exposing her vulnerabilities to him, more and more she wanted to be held and re-assured. Jason realized the relationship was becoming much more "normal" than it had been when they were starting out.

Finally he did take the CD off the back of his drawer and spent a long time sitting with it, fingering its blue surface. Then, suddenly, he held it over his trash can and bent it with both hands. It shattered with a loud crack, exploding into plastic shards that shot into the can. There...it was done. Jason's final secret from his girlfriend now was nothing more than a bunch of sharp pieces of plastic sitting in the trash.

Even though the CD no longer existed, for some reason he felt the need to tell her about the incident. With the CD broken and the relationship changing, he doubted she would lose her temper, but still, he was curious to see what would happen. On the very first day of March he told her, and even though he had not known what to expect, was surprised by her response.

"Jason, I don't have any right to be pissed at you over that, not if you don't have that CD any more."

"No, I busted it in the trash, and I didn't make any other copies, and now I'm telling the truth."

For a long time Cecilia sat looking at the floor, obviously struggling with something she was trying to decide whether or not she should tell him in response. Without looking up, she began speaking:

"Well then, it's my turn to confess somethin' to you, which is why I don't have no right to be mad about a CD. Last fall, there was somethin' kinda important I hid from you..."

Cecilia took a deep breath and continued.

"Do you remember, them days after Halloween, I wouldn't let you see my ass? That I didn't want any massages and I blindfolded you when we had sex so you couldn't see me? Do you remember that?

"Yes, I remember that. I thought you'd gotten bored with the massages or something."

"No, that's not it. I...I didn't want you seeing me 'cause...my butt...it was all marked up. I did something...something just plain stupid...and I...I got in a lot of trouble with the department...I mean like...a lot of trouble...and Dr. Burnside had to go up in front of the ethics committee, and beg them to let me off, and she got me out of it, and she fucked herself doin' it. Afterwards she was really pissed, and I was all scared, but she got me out of trouble..."

"But what was it? What'd you do?"

Cecilia explained how she accessed the midterm on Burnside's computer and how the university's examination tracking system caught her. Then she continued:

"Anyhow, after the ethics committee said they weren't gonna kick me out...what Dr. Burnside told me...was that she was gonna whip my ass, 'cause I got her in so much trouble. She wanted to punish me, but she didn't want it goin' in my record, so she found another way to do it."

Cecilia then admitted that, right under Jason's nose, she had endured two physical punishments at the hands of her professor, including the severe switching she received on Halloween. She described it in detail along with the party that followed, and concluded with her efforts to keep him from finding out about it.

"I feel bad about all this, 'cause that's when I was tryin' to make you think I was perfect. I wanted you to think I was fuckin' perfect, and here I was, nearly gettin' my ass kicked out of the university. I wanted to fool you...and I did fool you, and now I don't feel good about it."

Jason paused for a long time, trying to think how he should respond. He was shocked by how quickly Cecilia's defenses were coming down, how quickly her vulnerabilities were being exposed to him. He knew that he was seeing the real Cecilia Sanchez, the very flawed, frightened young woman who was hiding behind the fearsome façade she had used to protect herself for the last five years. She had given him peek behind that façade, and in doing so had placed herself at his mercy.

"So, I guess we're still even, then, aren't we?"

He took her hand. She nodded, trying to force a smile while holding back some tears.

"I guess so, Jason. I guess we're just even."