The Fundamentals of Friendship Pt. 02

And you think she isn't scared now?

She rubbed a thumb and a forefinger on her eyes, exhaling tiredly. "What about Suzanne, Riley? What about Rocco?"

"Suzanne is an incredible woman. But she's not you." I had just dropped Sue off at her apartment. Technically, I was still seeing her, but now here I was, professing my love for another woman. Jerk move, yes, but I had to do it. This time I had to or else I'd lose Laura for good. And I had a feeling that losing her this time, and to Rocco, would mean losing my best friend as well as the love of my life. I had been a yellowed back idiot for long enough. "And Rocco? You don't love him, Ells. You know you don't."

Laura's eyes were wide and glossy. I could see the lump in her throat moving up and down as she tried to swallow it. It was her turn to say something, I had already done my damage.

"Ry" She risked one single step my way. "I'm not the same anymore. I'm not that 15 year old girl you fell in love with. I'm not the 21 old girl you used to date." She said carefully, treating her words like they were made of glass. I had known her for long enough to understand what she was trying to do. She was trying to convince me I didn't know what I was talking about.

My feet advanced me towards her. She stood still, until she decided I was close enough. She held up a hand and I froze in place. "I know that. I know that, Ells." I said, carefully. "I'll always love that girl. Always. But she and I broke up 14 years ago. Now, I love this woman you've become. Not the girl you were. Not the girl who loved me back. But the woman who said she loved me on my 30th birthday and almost went crazy with jealousy over Sue today. You. Not her."

"I wasn't..." She started, then gave up whatever it was she was going to say. She turned her back to me. I saw her shoulders lifting, her body shaking slightly. I heard her sniffling, and the heavy breath she exhaled. "Riley, I can't...This is just..." She spun around to face me, crying. "It's too much information to process, Ry. It's too much for one night."

I felt an overwhelming urge to put my arms around her and hold her to me. "I know. I'm sorry about all this, but I had to do it, Ells." I had just dropped a bomb on her lap. The least I could do was explain it to her, then give her time to try and understand it. Think it over. "I tried to control it. I thought that if I just didn't say it out loud, that if I tried to get involved with other people I'd forget about you eventually. But it only made things worse."

"Ry, I had no idea you were...that you felt..." She laughed very loudly, but the sound was humorless, miserable. "That you felt all this things!"

The ticking of the clock on the wall was uncommonly loud. I saw that I had been in her house for almost two hours. Funny, I thought to myself, how the hours always dragged themselves when I was with her. To give me more time with her, maybe. More time to say what I just had.

"Look, I think you need some time to think about this. You need to rest. We can talk more tomorrow." Leaving her for a few seconds, I walked to her living room, where I had left my phone. When I came back she was wiping her tears with the backs of her hands. "I think I better go now." I said.

She just nodded, standing as far away from me as the width of her kitchen would allow her to.

"Alright, I'll leave you alone. Bye." I made to leave the same way I had come. I was already outside, in her garden, when I heard her call me. I turned around, all hopeful.

Maybe this will like those Hollywood romantic bullshits. Maybe she's calling to tell you she loves you too and you'll wake up in her bed tomorrow.

She took the few steps necessary to close the space between us with painful cautiousness. She put her arms around me, resting her head on my shoulder. The contact was the last thing I expected. I stood rigid for a few seconds then I fully hugged her back, registering the warmth of her body against mine. She pulled away too soon. "I do love you, Ry." She said. "Like crazy. You know that, don't you?"

She didn't mean it the way I wished she had.

"Yeah." I kissed her forehead. "I know you do."

In a move I didn't anticipate, she took both my hands in hers, fixed her big, doe eyes on mine and said, in an unmistakably supplicant tone. "I'll see you tomorrow, right? You won't disappear again, will you?" I heard a million insecurities implied in her words.

"I wouldn't even if I wanted to, Ells. I don't think I can anymore." I told her.

She hugged me again. "I'm sorry, Riley." She said, her voice muffled in my shoulder.

"It's not your fault, Ells." The fault was all mine, and I had to own it.

This time, I was the one to pull away. "Go to bed, Laura. You need to rest." I said. "And lock this goddamn door, for fuck's sake."

"I will." She said giving me a sad smile.

"Bye, Ells."

"Bye, Ry."

For fear I might lose her, I hadn't told her I loved her in the past. Now, because I had told her, I might lose her anyway. Walking back to my car I wondered if it was possible to lose the same thing twice. Specially considering you never had it to begin with.

*****