The Funeral Director

I solved that little problem with a trip through the Mall at Ceasers Palace. That little trip cost me a few thousand dollars, but if you could have seen the looks of happiness on their faces. Well anyway, it was worth it. That night I would have loved to tell you that I'd had sex with both of them. Well it didn't happen. That night we exchanged cell phone numbers and each other's email address.

I had great hopes to see them again, but it I was a realist and didn't expect it to happen. You know "age difference" and all that.

Saturday morning, I caught my return flight home. I slept most of the way only awaking when the wheels touched down. I took a cab back to the funeral home and carried my luggage in the side door. Well you could have knocked me over with a feather when I heard Amy say,"Welcome home, honey. Did you have a good time?"

My first thought was,"Why weren't you dead?" Actually I almost said it out loud before I caught myself.

"Yes, it was very interesting."

By now she was standing right in front of me. She put her arms around my neck and I got a toe curling set of kisses.

"Why don't you take a shower and get cleaned up. I've missed you and would like to get reacquainted. "At this she rubbed her body against mine and kissed me deeply again.

"OK, what's going on?" I thought. I needed to call Angelo.

I got upstairs and took my clothes off and locked myself in the bathroom. I started the shower for the noise and dialed Angelo on my cell. He answered on the second ring, laughing. "Surprised?" was his greeting.

"Damn it Angelo. What is going on?"

"Just enjoy my gift to you. She has seen the light. If she back slides, call me. We'll use plan B."

He broke the connection. I erased the outgoing call log and put the phone on the counter. I unlocked the door and climbed in the shower. Before five minutes had passed, Amy joined me in the shower.

We had a great night of sex. Amy tried to kill me with her body. I would have loved to say we rekindled our love for each other, but she was faking everything. She did everything I liked to me, but nothing for herself.

While she did lubricate, it wasn't the copious amounts she used to. And her orgasms were faked.

She made sure I had one before faking hers. This was never the case with the old Amy. She usually had multiple orgasms before I had mine.

Angelo and I would have a long talk tomorrow.

Amy took off again for the mall the next afternoon.

I called Angelo and set up a meeting.

"OK, what's going on? I expected to be free and clear when I returned. You can imagine my surprise when I found her home."

"Keep your shirt on. She's scared. Last night you should have had some of the best lovin' in years. Am I right?"

"I didn't have any loving last night. I just had sex. She tried to fuck me to death. There was no love in her actions, only raw sex. I don't think she even enjoyed any of it."

"Good. Her lover disappeared from his bed while you were gone. She was spending all her time in bed with him from Saturday until Wednesday. When she woke up Wednesday afternoon, he was gone. Only his dick and balls, and a lot of blood were left in the bed. She freaked! She doesn't know if this was because of your action or because of something he'd done. He was an arrogant prick and had made a lot of enemies the last few years."

"But Angelo, what should I do? She's no longer a loving wife to me. I don't know if I can live the rest of my life in a loveless marriage."

"You, do nothing. We are accumulating enough evidence for a legal divorce. When the time is right, we'll arrange it so you have a divorce. She'll find a new boy toy, fall in love with his big dick, and try to get all your money and property in a divorce. Mr. Smith will spoil that plan and they will end up with nothing."

"But what if they try to kill me?"

"Too bad if they succeed." Then he looked at my face and started laughing.

"Murder is our business. We'll protect you unless you do something stupid. Remember they are only beginners. We are the professionals. But we'd like to use the legal methods. It prevents problems with law enforcement."

We finished our coffee and headed back to our respective jobs.

________________

It was almost a year later when the State Police arrived at my door. I knew one of the troopers because he moonlighted as traffic control for me.

"Hi, there was no need to ring the bell for you. Just walk in anytime. Hell if I can't trust you guys, this state is in real trouble"

I had meant it as a joke. They didn't laugh.

"Sir, I'm sorry to inform you that your wife Amy was killed in a fire earlier today."

"How?" I said shakely.

"For some reason the meth lab she was in exploded. She died as a result. "

"Well at least she didn't suffer. She went quickly. Do you know if I will be able show her in an open casket?"

"I'm sorry you asked sir, the explosion didn't kill her. It trapped her under a work bench. She burned to death. The first firemen on the scene could still hear her screaming. And as far as an open casket, I don't think so."

I slowly sank to the floor. "Thank you Angelo" raced through my mind before I fainted.

I awoke to find myself on my office couch with an EMT in attendance. He was fussing over me. I thanked him and the officers. "I'd just like to be alone now if that's possible."

They left me to my thoughts.

Later that evening I heard a car drive into my garage. Before I could cross the downstairs, Angelo and Mr. DiTucci walked into the residential section of the funeral parlor. They both had looks of pure sorrow on their faces.

"Thomas, please believe us that we had nothing to do with that explosion." said Mr. DiTucci. "Meth is a dangerous chemical. They did it to themselves."

"Yeah," seconded Angelo.

"Thank you both for taking the time to explain it to me. I just wish she hadn't died so hard."

"Thomas, we were gathering the necessary information required for you divorce. There was no need for us to cause this. "

"Angelo, when her body is released, please retrieve her and bring her here for Thomas to prepare. "

"Thomas, may I suggest that you creamate her. The fire will have caused too much damage to repair. And you don't want any of her "new" friends at a viewing"

He continued, "Angelo, please arrange for Thomas to receive some extra protection. These animals do not think correctly because of all the drugs they take. I do not want one of them to have ideas. If those animals persist, we may need to take further actions."

Angelo left with Mr. DiTucci. I was alone with my grief. I opened a new bottle of scotch I kept in my office for the family members of the deceased. I poured four fingers in a glass. I tried to get some ice, but someone had left the ice tray empty.

I drank all four fingers down in two gulps.

The next morning, I awoke to a terrible headache, a nasty mouth, and an empty bottle of scotch. My office girl arrived with a cup of coffee and some aspirin.

Angelo followed her in the door.

"When you get cleaned up, I'll take you out to breakfast."

"I don't need food."

"I didn't ask you. I'm telling you."

He helped me up stairs and into my shower, clothes and all. The hot water started the clearing processes in my mind. By the time he and I walked out the door, I was starting to feel human.

When we arrived at the diner, it was a constant parade by the regulars to my table. They all offered their condolences.

Angelo and I sat there about two hours. The parade never stopped.

At one point I said to Angelo, "I never knew she was so liked by the regular folks."

"You're an idiot. Most didn't even know her and those that did, didn't like her. It's you they like and they are trying to ease your sorrow."

And then a big biker walked into the diner. He looked around and started toward me. Angelo and a couple of other wise guys, sitting elsewhere, stood up. The biker got a nasty sneer on his face but just as quickly as it appeared, he left. One of Angelo's guys followed him out, the other started talking on his cell phone.

There was a detective who had just sat down to lunch when all this started. He stared at Angelo for about 30 seconds before returning to his meal. From the looks between the two of them, I guessed some sort of truce was reached between them regarding the biker.

Angelo and I returned to the funeral home.

It was a long afternoon. Angelo kept receiving calls on his cell. He never did more than listen. The only time I heard him speak was when he said,"Do it."

Later I swear I heard fire trucks off in the distance across town.

But nothing ever came of it.

And a week later, all of Angelo's men were no longer around me.

I was alone again when my phone rang. It was one of the girls from LasVegas so long ago. She was calling from the airport looking for a ride.

I got in a limousine and started out after her.

At the airport I found both my Vegas buddies standing with their luggage, waiting for me. They both had worried expressions as I pulled up. I jumped out my door and just grabbed both of them in bear hug.

They hugged me back.

I couldn't hold back any longer. The emotions poured forth.

One of the girls drove home, I was too overwrought to attempt to.

When we reach home, Angelo was waiting. He looked over both of them and said, "Thanks for coming. He needs you both."

It took a few more days before I was starting to resemble a human being again.

On a trip to the kitchen, I overheard Angelo talking on his cell. "The girls were an excellent idea. I just wish we were still young. I'll see how long we can keep them here." ...{Pause}... "No Sir, they are really students studying to be morticians. "

I walked into the room. Angelo changed the subject.

When he hung up, he looked at me and said. "The Coroner's Office called. She's ready to be released for disposal."

"Thank you"

I went back upstairs and got into my bed.

Later that afternoon, both girls joined me. One on each side. They didn't say a word. They just held me all night.

The next morning after coffee the three of us drove to the Coroner's Office. I backed in front of one of the overhead doors. I left the girls on the front seat and went into the office to sign the paper work. Usually the attendants were laughing and joking with the drivers.

Today it got really quiet when I walked in.

I felt like yelling, "She's dead. I can deal with it." But I didn't. I just smiled and started signing. When I got all done, the attendant handed me my half. I exited into the back.

When I got back there, I found that the girls had already placed the Amy's bagged body in the wooden casket I had placed for her in the hearse. I figured if she wanted to burn herself up, the least I could do was finish what she started.

I'd cremate her.

The girls wouldn't let me drive. They made me sit in the middle.

When we arrived back at the home, I found a crowd waiting for us. There was Mr. DiTucci, Angelo, my regular funeral day guys, the traffic escort crew, my receptionist, the staff from the diner, some of the grave diggers, a few of the florists, and (surprise, surprise) the Bishop.

No one would let me touch her casket. Everyone took their regular position for a funeral procession. The Bishop led the group into the crematorium saying the funeral Mass.

The room wasn't that big so it was really crowded. But somehow almost everyone squeezed in.

The one of the girls opened the door on what we privately called, "The Oven". While her partner kept it open, Amy's pall bearers slide her inside the crematorium. The Bishop shook holy water on her wooden coffin.

Someone closed the iron door.

Someone else lit the burner.

The crowd started singing, "On Eagle's Wings." they were very loud. They drowned out the sound of the burners, but they could not cover up the smell.

Most people would never notice the odor, but if you had done as many cremations as I had, you would recognize the smell of burning flesh.

My eyes started leaking tears again. This time the girls held both my hands. The Bishop turned and placed both his hands on my shoulders, "Son, it's ok to cry. Let it out. You're a good man, but you can't keep her transgressions bottled up inside you. Let it all come out!"

The big tough funeral director that I was, dropped to my knees on the concrete. Both girls knelt with me and held my shoulders. The Bishop placed his hands on my head.

The singing continued.

Soon the temperature inside the retort would reach 1600 degrees. Amy would be vaporized after about two hours. We would leave her remains in the retort until tomorrow so they have time to cool.

She never actually expressed her wishes as to the disposal of her remains. She had no living relatives. They had all passed long ago. So her disposal was at my choosing.

I wanted to extract some form of revenge on her.

As I plotted something nasty the Bishop spoke, "I used to see her sitting on the bench looking over the small pond in the cemetery across from my garden. May I offer her a resting place in my garden overlooking the pond?"

"Hell", I thought, "Why not?"

"Of course Bishop. She'd like that." The problem of Amy had been solved by a well meaning but oblivious individual. I wonder what his offer would have been is someone had told him that she had burnt to death in a meth lab, completely naked, with some bikers, and higher than a kite.

But then he was one of those "turn the other cheek," guys. So it might not have mattered to him.

The girls realized that my mind had drifted away to some other pleasant place. They didn't know what I might be thinking, so they grabbed Angelo and the three of them marched me out of the chamber. As soon as I left, the singing dropped off and people started leaving.

Besides my staff, the Bishop stayed until the burners shut off.

Tomorrow one of the guys would collect her ashes, put the bone pieces that did not burn through a grinder, box her up in a cardboard container and deliver it to the Bishop. The whole box would weigh about four pounds.

Not a lot to say for a human being. Thirty-three years of achievements reduced to about four pounds of ash.

"Life's a bitch and then you die" I saw that on a bumper sticker once. I guess it applies.

It took me about a month to get back to the old "Tommy". The dark thoughts lightened and I started being human again.

The girls ran two funerals while I was "away". The families were pleased with the results. The girls were not fully qualified morticians, only funeral directors. So they had to hire the embalming work out. This almost ate up all my profit on the funerals.

And even worse, the man's work was nowhere near my levels of quality.

So I made a decision about the girls. I would continue their education as interns working for me. All I had to do was square it with the school.

Oh yes, I also need to get Mr. DiTucci's permission first.

The school was easy, but Mr. DiTucci proved to be tougher. In the end, I called in the big guns, I asked Angelo to help me convince him. It took Angelo only a couple of hours to get permission. I was in awe of Angelo. I even swore to stop the practical jokes with dead bodies.

The three of us sat the girls down and explained our proposition to them. They accepted before I was more than half way done. The only thing they needed was some type of a small job for spending money. Angelo looked at me hard. While paying an intern was against my basic principles, the girls started at $15 an hour, 40 hour minimum.

The girls were over joyed. Angelo just smiled at me.

Their schooling began the next day with a trip to the supply store to purchase each one of them their own makeup kit. You would have thought it was Christmas in my car the way the girls carried on. Back at the funeral home, I tasked them with setting up their kits after first getting on the Internet and deciding the best way to proceed.

When I first met them at the convention in LasVegas, they acted like very mature 25-28 year old young ladies. With their new make up kits, they acted like a couple of 14 year olds. Well as long as they acted like mature young ladies in front of families, I could put up with the giggling.

Angelo adopted the role of protector for the girls. I pity the first guy who hurts their feelings or, heaven forbid, breaks their heart. We'd probably find his body floating in some lake.

The girls had him wrapped around their little fingers.

Mr. DiTucci would stop by every month "just to take us to lunch." He would get a kick out of how the girls manipulated Angelo. He was nice to them, but he never succumbed to their charms. They couldn't quite figure out Mr. DiTucci. But their feminine senses cautioned them around him.

Smart move, girls.

They worked on a couple of intakes. Both of them were elderly women. The girls learned the proper respect for the deceased. There would be no joking around and no giggling. The music was appropriate for the deceased's Age group. Most of the time I worked on the elderly, so classical music was usually called for.

The first time the girls worked on an actual human being was a trip. We had gone over all the steps involved in the preparation of the remains before the actual embalming was started.

But this was the first time they would touch a dead human. It would be a make or break moment for them,

I brought our customer out from the cooler. She was in a body bag that the local hospital uses to protect the remains. I wheeled the remains out and asked the girls to put Mrs. Santiago on our table while I got some supplies.

Actually, I wanted to step back and watch them handle Mrs Santiago.

This was the first make or break moment.

One took her head and the other her feet. They were progressing nicely, except that they were lifting Mrs. Santiago, body bag and all.

Wrong!!!!

"Girls, Mrs Santiago does not need her body bag. Please place her on our table "Au natural". It will make it so much easier to give her her last bath. "

I was not going to help the girls. They had to do this themselves. It was very much in their training, but someday they would need to handle an accident victim or, even worse, an autopsy case. I will bring the girls along slowly, but they must progress.

They stared at Mrs. Santiago trying to gather the courage to touch her.

I watched them steel themselves for that first touch. They each put a hand into the bag and on Mrs. Santiago's body. I let them slowly get used to the feeling. I was in no rush. They had to take this first baby step.

I watched them look each other in the eyes and then steel themselves for that next step. Lifting Mrs. Santiago onto the table. The girls sort of froze at this point so I had to place a little humanity into this process.

"Mrs Santiago has been in that plastic bag a couple of days. I'll bet she really feels dirty and smelly. I'll bet that she was just stuffed in that uncomfortable sack.

I know she'd like a sponge bath and massage. Can you girls help her?"

I could almost see them stop looking at the body in front of them, and start seeing Mrs Santiago as a person. She was someone's mother, someone's grandmother, and possible someone's great great grandmother.

I was beginning the process of humanizing the body in front of them. Soon I would let the girls meet Mrs. Santiago's family.

Finally, we would say goodbye and bury her.

Thus completing the circle of life.

As I watched, the girls placed Mrs Santiago on the table. The girl (Sally) holding her head carefully placed it on the head block. She took the extra time to fix her hair and use her hand to brush those stray hairs off her face. Mrs. Santiago looked comfortable in repose.