The Goliath Scroll

The Backstory

Dr. Francis Lajeunesse drove Hebrew University's Mitsubishi 4x4 down the highway on a hot, dusty Shabat. Beside her sat Dr. Aviatar Altman who alternately complained about the dust and heat of the Negev in the summer and how he should be attending his air conditioned Beit Knesset instead of kiting off to recover another possibly fake scroll. Dr. Lajeunesse tried turning on the car radio as a way to lift her colleague's mood. Sivan Shavit crooned: "Shneynu noseynu b'mekonit...(The two of us are driving in a car...)" Sensing that music wasn't enough, she turned to conversation:

"It's just one of the beni Sharmuta's negotiating tactics, Avi. They wouldn't have summoned us today if they didn't think that, by choosing Shabat, they would get some sort of negotiating advantage. Have you done your due diligence so we have our own advantages?"

"Of course, Francis. Khirbet Sharmuta isn't hooked up to the National Water Network. The settlement's well is failing so the beni Sharmuta are desperate for water. I pulled some strings over at Mekorot and they promised to connect the settlement to the national network at cost. It turns out that's just about all that the University's budget can afford for an acquisition of this sort. If we negotiate well, that's the number we'll finally settle on."

The conversation about negotiating strategy trailed away as they stopped at the intersection leading to Khirbet Sharmuta. Dr. Lajeunesse donned a headscarf as Dr. Altman strictly instructed. Dr. Altman adjusted his own kippah upon his thinning hair. In the distance, a cloud of dust announced the arrival of their Bedouin escort. Two battered Toyota trucks appeared and a large crowd of Bedouin men disembarked to greet the guests from the Hebrew University. Bashir ibn Sharmuta and Avi Altman went through the required formalities before the two trucks and SUV wound their way slowly down the desert trail on the east side of the Maktesh Ramon. A small settlement came into view, a collection of mud brick huts and shabby tents that formed the Bedouin settlement of Khirbet Sharmuta.

As the three dusty vehicles entered the village compound, the Bedouin women ululated their greetings, reflecting both respect for the esteemed visitor and hope for the village's future. Bashir ibn Sharmuta opened the door for Dr. Altman and led him towards a large tent. Dr. Lajeunesse disembarked by herself and began to follow the two men. Addressing Dr. Altman and the crowd in Hebrew he shouted in a loud voice: "A thousand thousand welcomes to our village, eminent professor Altman. Let us make our most honoured guest and his driver welcome." Turning to Dr. Altman, Bashir said: "Please enter the sheik's tent and accept what little hospitality our miserable, tiny village can offer. Your driver may join the women gutting the sheep for our banquet."

Nothing made Francis Lajeunesse angrier than typical Middle Eastern misogyny. She berated the antiquities black marketer in fluent and classical Arabic worthy of a Koranic scholar: "Please address me by my proper name and title, Dr. Francis Lajeunesse, and not as 'the driver'. I am Dr. Altman's colleague and assistant at the Hebrew University. I am the one who will examine the scroll for authenticity today and will assist Dr. Altman as he analyzes the scroll, assuming we can come to an accommodation with the beni Sharmuta. I drove our vehicle today because I am a Gentile, just as are you, and you had the bad manners to request a meeting on the only day of the week when Dr. Altman can't perform work of any kind. If we reach any agreement regarding your discovery, and I must say that it looks highly unlikely given this unfortunate insult, I will be the one to write a cheque, since Dr. Altman cannot touch money on Shabat."

Dr. Altman intervened. "Dr. Lajeunesse is quite correct. If she can't be with me while we discuss the scroll, there's no point in meeting the elders. Shall we postpone this meeting, Bashir?"

Seeing a lucrative deal slip through his fingers, Bashir scurried to secure the elders' permission to let a woman attend the meeting. A few minutes later, he emerged from the tent with a typical Middle Eastern compromise solution. "The elders will permit a woman to be among us as we meet but with these conditions. She will sit behind you, Dr. Altman and will speak only to you and not to the elders. If those conditions are acceptable, we will serve coffee and begin our negotiations."

The coffee was strong and heavily laced with cardamom in the Arabic manner. Despite its strength and addition of copious amounts of spice, Francis Lajeunesse could still detect the sulfur and iron of the well water. The beni Sharmuta had to be desperate for better water. That meant the taste of the foul water was the taste of a deal in the making. Several men entered the tent, and with great care and ceremony brought the scroll for examination by Dr. Lajeunesse.

"I can see only a few Hebrew letters on the scroll but the paleography is similar to other scrolls discovered at Qumran. We need to take a small sample of the parchment for the University's nuclear lab to authenticate the scroll's antiquity. Can we proceed with negotiations contingent on authentication by C-14 and neutron bombardment tests?"

Despite one side's need to sell, the other side's need to acquire and the oppressive, stifling heat in the tent, the negotiations were lengthy, punctuated by both sides each getting up to leave twice but resuming due to the intervention of Bashir ibn Sharmuta. Ultimately, the two sides agreed on the price, exactly what Dr. Altman had arranged with the water utility. Dr. Lajeunesse supervised securing a sample for C-14 dating and handed an unsigned cheque made out to the beni Sharmuta. The men in the tent all cheered that their business had concluded successfully. The two scholars were then led out of the tent to a table set with barbecued sheep and various Arab sweets.

The Mitsubishi returned to the intersection of Highway 90. Dr. Lajeunesse unwound her headscarf. Dr. Altman retained his kippah since Shabat had not ended. They continued in silence to Jerusalem and the now dark Hebrew University. As they drove closer to Jerusalem, Sivan Shavit came back on the radio. "Naski oti chazak (kiss me strongly) Naski oti ed shicha'av (kiss me until it hurts)..." The chorus worked its way into their subconscious, slowly motivating their bodies.

The two scholars parked the University's SUV, leaving the sample in the nuclear lab. Shabat had now ended so staff and students were boogying in the clubs of Tel Aviv leaving them the sole occupants of the University's halls. They stopped at the exit and looked at each other. Dr. Lajeunesse spoke first.

"It's been a long Shabat, Avi. Can we discuss today over some ice tea ay my place?"

Dr. Altman accepted. The two scholars' hands entwined in the taxi on the way to Francis' apartment in Talpiot. Once the driver was paid, the oddly matched couple walked up the stairs in silence. Dr. Lajeunesse unlocked the door and entered while Dr. Altman placed his fingers on the mezuzah, kissed his hand and recited a prayer. The door closed. Somehow ice tea slipped from their minds. Dr. Altman and Dr. Lajeunesse embraced passionately, for nothing made Biblical scholars hornier than penetrating the mysteries of another ancient scroll. Slowly, they peeled the clothing from each other while exploring each other's mouth with their tongues.

Once naked, the old man and young woman wrestled each other to Dr. Lajeunesse's bedroom and rolled around on the bed. Their arms and legs entangled as their hands and lips roamed here and there caressing each other's body parts leaving little untouched and unkissed. Dr. Lajeunesse finally pinned her colleague to her bed and straddled his prone body. Reaching down to 27 cm. of rock hard zain, she eased his tip inside her kus and began screaming French sacrileges in the traditional manner of a Quebecoise informing her partner of an orgasm. Dr. Altman simultaneously bellowed in gutter Arabic learned from workers employed on the digs of his youth: "It's so good, oh it's great! You're so goddamned tight Francis!" Neighbours banged on the walls, begging for silence, so they could garner some sleep before going to work on Yom Rishon.

One week later, the laboratory sample returned a date of approximately 100 BCE for the parchment sample, thus consummating the sale. Once the cheque had cleared, Mekorot tied Khirbet Sharmuta into the National Water Network. It took Hebrew University's technicians several months of careful work to unroll the scroll to its full length. Dr. Lajeunesse couldn't wait that long and transcribed the first few pages while the techies worked. What she saw caused her to storm into Dr. Altman's office in a rage.

"Avi, we've been royally screwed by the beni Sharmuta. This isn't Hebrew at all except for some names and a few misspelled words. Everything else is complete gobbledygook."

"Before you start accusing Bashir and his clan of forgery, Francis, let me see what the scroll says. Why, this isn't forged Hebrew at all. It's Aramaic, another Biblical language." Dr. Altman stood, walked to the blackboard and took up some chalk. "The Books of Daniel and Ezra in the Tanach contain extensive passages in Aramaic, for example. As a notzri (Christian), you should know that Jesus of Nazareth's daily language, as well as that of his disciples, was Aramaic. The New Testament contains numerous Aramaic words including the very last words of the Apocalypse of St. John, 'Mar anatha', which means 'Lord come'.

At least half of the Babylonian Talmud is written in Aramaic, the rest in Mishnaic Hebrew. By the time of the Rambam, Aramaic ceased to be a living Jewish language. Later rabbis wrote in Mishnaic Hebrew or Yiddish in the case of some Hasidic rabbis and scholars.

Today, Aramaic survives as a Jewish language in our prayer books. Notable prayers that are completely in the Aramaic language include Kol Nidre and the Kaddish. In the Syrian Christian churches, Aramaic is the liturgical language. As a living language, about 300,000 people speak Aramaic in remote regions of Syria, notably some who still follow John the Baptist and a Jewish/Christian group called the Evionim. An Aramaic scroll would indicate a composition date some time after Aramaic supplanted Hebrew as the lingua franca of Jewish people. That would confirm the 100 BCE result that the nuclear lab found."

"But Avi, I don't know any Aramaic even if, as you note, I'm a notzri. If I need to learn Aramaic, how will we publish a paper in a timely manner? I need to publish another paper this year if I want tenure. This scroll is a disaster for my career."

"I like to think of this as an opportunity for the university and for staff. I've tried for a long time to convince the administration that we need an Aramaic scholar on our team. The world's leading expert in the Aramaic language is Dr. Jibral Sabah from the University of Damascus. At the moment he's languishing in a Syrian refugee camp in Jordan. This scroll is my key to getting Dr. Sabah to Jerusalem. If I can convince the Board to hire him, you could learn Aramaic while translating the scroll with him."

Dr. Altman's arguments convinced the Board but had consequences he could not have foreseen. At Dr. Sabah's first meeting with Drs. Altman and Lajeunesse, Dr. Lajeunesse's hormones interfered with her concentration on the tasks assigned by Dr. Altman. Dr. Sabah was nothing like what she had imagined an Aramaic scholar to be. Instead of a stooped old academic, Jibral Sabah was young, taller than the average Arab and exceedingly handsome. His swarthy complexion complemented a fine Semitic nose. Dr. Altman concluded the meeting:

"The two of you will work closely together translating the scroll as the technicians unroll it. I will relieve you both of any mundane administrative tasks that might divert you." Within a week, Drs. Lajeunesse and Sabah delivered the first translated pages of the scroll to Dr. Altman.

The Scroll

In the third year of his reign as King of Israel, Shaul ben Kish raised a mighty army and laid siege to the Philistine city of Gat. As this was his first venture in warfare, Shaul made no preparations to feed his troops during a prolonged siege. His army turned to foraging from the farms surrounding Gat but quickly exhausted the local supply of kosher food. The army began to murmur against Shaul and Hilkiah, the priest of Shiloh who rigorously enforced the laws of Kashrut.

These murmurs reached the town of Bethlehem whereupon the families of the soldiers from Bethlehem resolved that their sons should die by the sword and not by starvation. Among these families was the family of Yishai ben Oved, whose six eldest sons had been conscripted into the king's service. As Yishai piled the last packs of bread and fig cakes onto the donkey, he turned to his youngest son David: "Take this donkey, the lamb and those two goats to your brothers. You will join the women of the other families and herd all the goats, sheep and cattle to the encampment outside of Gat. Avoid antagonizing the Jebusites of Yerushaliyim as you pass the city. They are friendly enough when we come to sell our produce at their markets but they can be cantankerous if you don't have any business to do."

"Why must I be the one to go, Father? For I am but a lad, merely the youngest of your sons and unlearned in the ways of the world. Have I ever left Bethlehem except to lead your sheep to pasture? Is there no one else to send instead of me?"

"Because King Shaul conscripted all the men in Bethlehem to fight at Gat, you're the last person left who can ensure that the goats and sheep that our families are sending to their men will reach their encampment. You may be but a simple lad but it's up to you to guard the women and sheep, not necessarily in that order, safe from harm on the journey to Gat."

Bethlehem receded in the distance as the line of donkeys, sheep and goats ambled towards Gat. In order to get to Gat before the men from Bethlehem starved to death, they had to pass the Jebusite fortress city of Yerushaliyim. Jebusites were mouthy fools but not prone to violence unless their fortress was threatened. As the procession passed the gates of the city, the Jebusite soldiers taunted the women of Bethlehem from the ramparts, whistling and questioning their virtue.

The front of the column disappeared down the wadi leading to the land of the Philistines, bringing David and the sheep and cattle into the Jebusites' view. Their most insulting words were now directed towards the sole male in the convoy: "Hey, look at the red-headed girlie-boy with all those broads." and; "He has no (ARC unintelligible). Hey girlie-boy, show it if you have one." David ignored the Jebusites' provocations until the word of the LORD came upon him:

"David, my chosen servant, prophesy unto these unbelieving Jebusites the contempt in which I hold them and their city. They shalt not escape my wrath and sure punishment. I swear unto thee that these same Jebusites wilt be severely punished for their impertinence at some unspecified point in the future."

Never having had an encounter with the True God, David replied: "Oh Sovereign LORD, I am no prophet or warrior but a mere shepherd. What should I do and how will these things come to pass?"

"In due time, I shalt reveal unto thee the punishment I shalt mete unto Yerushaliyim. As for the prophesying, drop thy loincloth and expose thy buttocks in the general direction of the gates of the city to prophesy their future punishment."

Even when it appears weird, a direct command from God is a command that must be obeyed. David did as he was told and bared his backside in the general direction of Yerushaliyim. (footnote: First recorded full moon, circa 1020 BCE) To his amazement, the guards on the ramparts were neither enraged nor insulted by David's lewd gesture. In fact, the Jebusites seemed quite amused and adopted the gesture as their own, dropping their own loincloths and exposing their buttocks to each other.

David ran to catch up to his group, giving a slap on the behind of straggling sheep and goats on the way. Not a particularly deep thinker, David pondered not for long the strange prophesy he had just received. Instead, he concentrated on keeping his small herd and the women safe from marauding Amalekites. They took a wide detour around Ekron as that was where the Ark of the Covenant resided from the time it was captured in the days of Eli, the priest. The common folk of Israel believed that the LORD had turned His back on His people since that day and it would further incur His displeasure should they even think of approaching the sacred object.

Upon arrival at the camp outside Gat, the hungry Israelite soldiers fell upon the supplies of food. The camp soon was resplendent with the smell of roasting goat and sheep. Then a shadow befell upon the pleasant atmosphere of the first barbecue in a month as a large figure emerged in full battle armor from the gates of Gat. He bellowed:

"Why do you not come out and line up for battle? Am I not a Philistine, and are you not the servants of Shaul, your weak little king? If you will not fight, I offer you a deal you should not refuse. Choose a man and have him come over to me. If he is able to fight and defeat me, we will become your subjects; but if I overcome him and defeat him, you will become our subjects and serve us. All Israel and Philistia are witnesses that this day I issue a challenge to the armies of Israel and their invisible god YHWH! Give me a man, let us fight each other and I will prove that Dagon of Gat is supreme." The giant concluded his monologue with several blasphemies against the LORD concluding that, "YHWH is totally FAKE NEWS because who has ever seen Him! Anyone can see Dagon is the real thing because he is visible in his temple right here in Gat."

David turned to his brother Eliav and asked: "Who was that, what was that all about and why does he curse the True God? Why do you stop your ears oh men of Bethlehem to such sacrilege. If none are true to the LORD, I will defend His Name."

Eliav replied: "Pay no heed to that man, if you can call him a man. He is Colonel Goliath of the United Philistine Armies. He's been making that same pitch all week, trying to goad us into battle. Don't worry your red little head about anything. King Shaul has a plan to get us out of this. It is rumoured that King Shaul will give great wealth to the man who kills him. He will also give that man his daughter in marriage and will exempt his family from taxes in Israel."

In the royal tent, King Shaul had gathered his military advisors and Hilkiah the High Priest together. "Gentlemen, do we have any plan to get out of this situation? General ben Ner, can we begin with your summary, please."

General Avner ben Ner arose to address the mixed group of courtiers, civil servants, military officers, priests and assorted other sycophants. "The situation is not good, your majesty. Our military intelligence says that Goliath is a descendant of the legendary nephilim. If you recall, the nephilim were the heroes of old before the days of Noah and, as such, were much prized by the women of the time. This same Goliath leads the Philistine army in Pilates on the ramparts of Gat in full view of the army and women of Israel. Unfortunately, he discards his clothing in the immodest way of pagans at exercise. He stands in full view of all men and women in our company. The sheer size of his dangly body parts catch the attention of all who watch his performance. The men of Israel avert their eyes in shame and the women of Israel, including even his majesty's concubines, have made disparaging comparisons to their men's endowments, including those of his majesty. Our morale has..."