The Grade-Whore Ch. 02

After we cleaned everything up, we took bathroom breaks, then I carried her into the bedroom. I slipped into her, then held her on top of me. She wiggled until I was pressing her deepest regions. We kissed, and Jan began to cry. "It's almost over. Tomorrow I have to leave! How . . . how do you feel about me?"

"Jan, I didn't know a man and a woman could ever be the way we've been with each other the past couple of days. It's incredible. I'm totally, completely, helplessly in love with you. But it won't work! I'm almost forty years too old for you!"

Tears were now streaming down her face. "I know. I'd do anything for you! I'm so much in love I can't imagine life without you. But I also know we can't make a life with each other. I was born too late and you were born too early. But can't we try?"

"In a few short years I'll really be an old man and you'll still be a young woman. Whatever love we share will be destroyed as I being to fail. I can't put you through that!"

Jan held my face and stared into my eyes. "You're wrong, you know! It wouldn't destroy my love for you! But living without you . . . I just can't!"

I was crying too. "Jan, we can't keep going like this. You need to find someone your own age. Someone you can build a life with. I can't be that man! It's not fair to you!"

"How can I possibly find someone else after knowing this love with you? Who could possibly . . . " Jan began to sob. We held each other and cried for a long time.

"I'm on the pill, but it doesn't always work. And we've had a lot of sex! What if I'm pregnant?"

"Jan, in that case I'll marry you. You won't have an illegitimate child by me. But it would be terrible for the child because I probably wouldn't live long enough to be much of a father. Or a husband to you."

Finally Jan said, "You're right, Doc. Our affair has to end tomorrow. And I couldn't possibly trick you into marriage that way." Jan stared directly into my eyes. "But we still have tonight! Let's make the best memories we can!"

We did exactly that. It was the first time that Jan had used her oral techniques to revive my penis after I ejaculated so that we could continue to make love. Our orgasms were intense but not as draining as before. Neither of us wanted the night to end.

During our many intimate conversations I had learned nearly everything important about Jan's short life. Given the soap-opera experiences she had endured, I was amazed that she was as mature and well-adjusted as she was.

Jan's imminent arrival into the world had precipitated her parents marriage when they were seventeen and still in high school. Her birth came less than two months after their nuptials. Subsequently her mother had a series of miscarriages before carrying a second child a full nine months. While her parents went to the hospital for the birth of Jan's first sibling, Jan, ten-years-old at the time, had been left in the care of fourteen- year-old Kim, her usual babysitter. Several hours later her father came home and announced the terrible news that both her mother and the baby had died. Jan's father had been so devastated that Kim had been the person who comforted Jan.

Subsequently Kim had spent more and more time at their home, supposedly taking care of Jan, but eventually "taking care" of her father, too. Four years later when Kim graduated from high school, she had become Jan's stepmother. Apparently following a family tradition, Kim gave birth to Jan's first stepsister about two months later. A second stepsister arrived two years later. "My dad's ten years older than Kim, but it doesn't seem to matter. When I'm living at home, I hear them making love all the time. They're both really loud!"

Even before she became Jan's stepmother, it had been Kim who had explained the facts of life to Jan. Kim had explained menstruation, had helped Jan buy her first bras, and ultimately had explained the sex act to Jan. Jan saw Kim not as her stepmother, but more as a slightly older sister who happened to be having frequent, loud sex with her father.

Jan had avoided the family tradition of early pregnancies with two strategies. First, she had given blowjobs to the three high-school suitors who had been most ardent. Second, she had started taking birth-control pills as soon as she turned eighteen. During her first semester in college, Chuck had deflowered her in the back seat of his car. He had managed to have sex with her twice more in the bed in his dorm. During post-play after their final tryst, Chuck's roommate and two friends had walked in and found Chuck and Jan lying undressed in Chuck's bed. Chuck had announced that Jan was "really hot in bed" and had offered Jan to the other three men. Jan had wisely decided Chuck wasn't worth her time.

In spite of our efforts to prolong out love-making, I fell asleep thinking about Jan's short but complicated life. I marveled that we had somehow fallen in love.

MONDAY: THE APPROACHING ENDING

We awoke and made love shortly after sunrise, but the details will fit better if I relate them a little later. Suffice it to say that we spent so much time making love that we didn't have time for breakfast.

I offered the various sex toys to Jan, but she shook her head. "They're not real, Doc. They'll just remind me of The Boss, but they won't be the same. I could never use them."

About 10:00 we made love in the shower, then got dressed for the first time since Friday. It was silly and sentimental, but we moved from room-to-room, kissing in each one to remember how we had made love. Finally we held each other and kissed goodbye on my porch. "I like it better when we're naked, Jan!" I whispered.

"Me too, Doc! This just doesn't feel right, does it?"

We climbed into my car, with Jan sitting in the front seat for the first time. "The only other time I rode in this car I was scared and naked in the back." She said. "This time I'm fully dressed, but I'm more mixed up now than I was then. And I'm still scared."

Jan rested her hand on my thigh as I drove back to campus. She was tense, and her hand flexed and trembled against my leg. She used a tissue to blot the tears from her eyes. We didn't say anything to each other. I repeatedly glanced at her profile and my throat got tight. Even though she was dressed, I knew exactly how her body looked, and I already missed the sight of her little nipples jutting out as she became excited.

I stopped my car around the corner from Jan's dorm. Most of the students had departed for home over the weekend, and there was nobody around. She turned toward me. "My folks should be here in about an hour. I won't be back until the fall. Maybe I'll be okay by then. Take good care of The Boss. I'll never forget wha . . . wha . . . what we did. And how much I love you!" She started to open the door of the car.

"Wait, Jan. Here." I handed her a plastic bag. She looked inside with a puzzled look, then blushed deeply.

"The sex book? Doc, I don't want this! What . . . "

"Jan, it's graphic and direct. But we both know how . . . useful it is. Wh-wh-when you find the right man . . . " My throat tightened and I couldn't finish the sentence.

Jan's lower lip was trembling and her eyes were filling with tears. "God, Doc! I can't believe you love me so much that you can . . . " With that she opened the door and stepped out of my car. I could see the tension in her body as she stiffly walked away. She was clutching the plastic bag containing the sex book against her breasts.

She looked back once, and her face was streaked with tears. Within seconds she had disappeared around the corner of the building. I realized that she hadn't said anything about my changing her grade. She knew I would change it, but that wasn't more important than what we were feeling. She knew it would have cheapened everything we had experienced if she had mentioned it.

When my churning emotions calmed sufficiently to allow me to drive, I started the car and drove to the Registrar's Office. I filled out the paperwork to change Jan's I grade to an A. I had betrayed my own academic integrity, but I really didn't care. It seemed unimportant and insignificant. I had just allowed the woman I loved to leave me. I felt stupid for falling in love with her, but even more stupid for being unable to deal with our inevitable separation.

When I got home, I threw the sex toys into the trash.

SUMMER: JAN IS REALLY GONE

I didn't resume masturbation for several weeks. When I did, Jan was my only pretend lover. On hot days I could smell the scent of her sweat in my exercise room, and it made me get hard. Almost every night I would look through the pictures I had taken of her. I'd kiss each one, then fall asleep with an erection. I was truly a pathetic, degenerate old goat.

Jan was so much younger than I, and that made our relationship feel almost incestuous. Three other factors tumbled and tossed in my mind. Our affair had begun abruptly and had ended quickly after three, short days. We had immediately achieved a level of sexual and emotional intensify that was almost beyond imagining. Finally it was the only relationship I'd ever experienced that was completely private and that nobody else knew anything about. I knew these four factors were intertwined and interrelated, but that knowledge did nothing to abate my less of loss.

The summer passed slowly. I kept thinking about Jan. We'd made love in every room, and the memories simply would not go away. When my ex-wife had announced her true sexuality, I had felt disgust whenever I entered our old bedroom. Now my emotions were exploding in me and I felt love, lust, and most acutely, loss.

I had to spend time in my office so that I could prepare to teach my fall classes. Each time I looked at my office doorway, I could picture Jan leaning half naked against the door as she'd seduced me. Bart wouldn't have understood how much more she was than simply a grade-whore. He would have called me, quite correctly, a silly old man. A cunt's a cunt, right? There's nothin' special about a free piece of ass, right?

FALL SEMESTER: JAN RETURNS

The first day of classes finally arrived. I wondered how I would react when I saw Jan again. Would she be walking across campus hanging onto a young hunk? Would she be practicing tennis in her short skirt? Or would she transfer to another college rather than face me?

I was preparing to teach my first class in the fall semester when I found Jan's name on the class roster. She had enrolled in the next semester of calculus with me! I felt myself getting dizzy, and I realized I had been holding my breath ever since I'd seen her name. I was so emotionally wired that I almost couldn't walk into the classroom.

It was still warm weather, and Jan was braless in short-shorts and sandals. She was deeply tanned, and looked incredibly healthy. When I called her name, I looked into her eyes and felt myself getting erect. She stared back and smiled knowingly at me. Her nipples were tenting her top. I wanted to take her in my arms and hold her. Somehow I moved on and called the names of the remaining students. Somehow I even managed to teach that class.

After class she followed me back to my office and sat down in front of my desk. She was the picture of innocence if anyone saw her through my open office door. "Why did you give me an A, Doc? Our deal was for a B." She whispered.

I couldn't manage to say anything. Finally I whispered, "Jan, you're killing me! I love you! I want to touch you. And hold you."

Jan blushed. "Yes, I know. I love you, too. I really miss touching and kissing The Boss. And holding him inside me, too. I was a tramp to use sex to get a better grade. I won't do it again. I won't have to. Besides sex is too important to me now. I'll try to avoid making you uncomfortable in class."

"Why . . . Why are you taking this class, Jan? You don't need it for your major!"

She gave me her familiar smile, and I felt my heart melt. "This was the only appropriate way I could spend time with you. And I'll take one of your courses every semester until I graduate. Since I can't share your bed, maybe we can share this tiny part of our lives. You can't be my lover, but you're still my favorite professor! I want to be able to look at you. And dream. I can't stop what I feel."

We were silent and stared into each other's eyes. Memories of looking at her face before and after we had made love sprang into my consciousness. Jan glanced down and I followed her gaze to her breasts. Her nipples were dark and hard against her thin top. She looked into my face and smiled. "I want to feel you looking at my body, Doc. Can I . . . Is it okay . . . I won't wear panties and you can look at my Golden Lamb of Love during tests. Is that . . . what you want?"

I knew that staring at Jan's body would only make me feel worse, but I couldn't resist the temptation. I nodded my head, and she smiled. I could tell how aroused she was by looking into her eyes. The Boss was trying to rip himself out of my pants.

After several minutes Jan sighed, rose to her feet, and quickly left my office. I was so lost in thought that I almost forgot to teach my next class, and it was two hours later.

I somehow adjusted to seeing Jan five days each week in class. She was clearly the best student. But staring at her exposed pussy during tests nearly drove me insane. I was too weak to ask her to wear panties.

I knew she was dating, and I almost defeated the jealousy within myself and nearly managed to hope that she found a good boy - well, man - to love. She had that sex book. Was she working through it with another man? Damn! It should be me!

I thought I was handling the situation fairly well until about 10:00 one Saturday night in November, the week before Thanksgiving.

I heard a vehicle unexpectedly coming down my long gravel driveway, and I watched through the window as a strange car approached, then stopped. I gasped a short cry as Jan got out and came to the door and knocked. I opened it and stood trembling as I stared at her. She was crying. "For God's sake, Doc, can I please come in?"

I cast off my feeling of shock, and I pulled her inside and held her. "What's wrong, Jan? What happened?"

"I thought . . . he might work out." Jan sobbed. "He was considerate, and he was starting to . . . get me to respond. And he wasn't pushy. Until tonight."

I held her close as she gathered her thoughts. "Then tonight he told me we were going to a party. When we got to the apartment, there was nobody else there. When I told him I wouldn't have sex with him, he undressed himself and tried to rape me. I hit him in the balls and walked back to campus. Then I drove out here."

"What do you want, Jan?" I was afraid to express my own desire.

"I want . . . No, I need. Make love to me tonight. Just tonight. I'll leave in the morning. Please."

Every rational thought told me I was making a mistake, but I really had no choice. I kissed the tears from Jan's face and began to undress her. Halfway through, she stopped crying and began to undress me. I couldn't believe how exciting it was, particularly since we'd never undressed each other before. When we were both naked, I picked her up and carried her in my arms to my bed and we made love, intensely and happily. It was as if we'd never been apart. It was almost dawn when we finally fell asleep.

We awoke that late Sunday morning wrapped around each other once again. As soon as we had the sheets in the washing machine and had mated standing up as we had taken our erotic shower, Jan dressed herself, kissed me, still naked, goodbye, and departed. I sobbed as the sound of her car slowly disappeared. My emotions were again in turmoil, and I was barely able to teach on Monday. Fortunately classes ended on Tuesday for Thanksgiving break, and I had the rest of the week to recover. I had a turkey TV dinner for Thanksgiving and dreamed about Jan. Until the odor turned sour, I left the sex-stained sheets on the bed so that I could smell her. I knew I wasn't rational, but I no longer cared.

ADJUSTMENT: SEPARATE LIVES, TOGETHER

Jan was true to her word. Each semester I requested and was assigned to teach courses that she could take, and each semester until she graduated she enrolled in one of my classes. After that second calculus class they were all three-credit courses, and I only saw her three days each week. But it was so very much better than nothing. She continued to expose her Golden Lamb of Love to me during tests, and I remained confused, lost, and alone.

Beginning the following spring I attended all of the women's tennis team practices, and I watched all of their home matches. Jan was now playing number one, and I could see her game improving from week to week. My colleagues thought I was a silly old man who was lusting after young, female bodies. They didn't suspect my lust was specific to Jan.

I subscribed to two tennis magazines, and eventually I learned to play. I only played with Jan once. The erotic scent of her perspiration overwhelmed me, and we stopped before we both lost control. I still felt a connection to her each time I walked onto the court. I found the sport gave me a good workout, too. Isn't that pathetic? I couldn't have Jan, but I could enjoy her sport.

About once each semester Jan would experience an emotional crisis, and she would abruptly appear at my house and we would make love. Each time I thought it was our last time. Then, during the spring semester of her senior year, she arrived with a different message. "I think I've found someone, Doc. I think I'm in love with him, too. So this is . . . This is really goodbye. I owe you so much, and I love you so much, but I want . . . I want to be true to him. Do you understand?" Tears were streaming down her face. I knew she was afraid of how much she was hurting me.

I held Jan until she stopped crying, and instead of making love we talked all night. She told me everything about her young man. It was obvious that she was very much in love with him. She kissed me goodbye in the morning. We had never even undressed. I was incredibly happy for her, but I also felt an intense sense of loss. I truly realized she would never make love to me again. I had faced this certainly again and again, but this time I knew it was real. This time there really was another lover in her life.

Jan hugged me after graduation, and I got my first look of her new man when he passionately kissed her. My stomach hurt as I watched, and I quickly turned and walked away. That part of my life was over. Jan was now nothing more than an impossibly wonderful memory. We could now get on with our separate lives, mine much shorter than hers.

I should have known better. Just over a year later I received an invitation to Jan's wedding. Inside was a personal, handwritten note from Jan. She begged me to attend. Of course I replied that I would. I made travel arrangements and prepared myself mentally and emotionally for her big day. Well, at least I tried. How do you prepare to watch the woman you love marry someone else?

About ten days before Jan's wedding, she unexpectedly appeared on my front porch. It was early one hot Saturday afternoon. I was afraid something had gone wrong with the wedding, but she quickly stopped my questions. "Doc, everything's fine. Except for one thing. I drove here to have one last day with you. I'm going to marry Bill, but I'm not married yet. Once I am, I'm going to be completely faithful. I haven't promised him that, yet. I love Bill, but I still love you, too!"

"Oh my God! Does he know? That you're here? With me?"

Jan gave me her special smile. "I told him all about us. He knows I'm here, and he probably knows why. He knows this is something . . . something about you and me, not about him. Something we have to finish if we can."