The Greatest Force Ch. 09

I woke up still.

All that moved were my eyelids, shot open like a bullet to the chest from behind.

I swallowed hard and touched my face. Cold sweat. Nightmare. I was shaking lightly and felt like I lost all the blood in my body. I kicked the sheets off the bed and curled into a ball, holding my head between my hands. I groaned and breathed and rocked myself back and forth.

Alec.
Alec.
Alec.
I need you.

I had slept at my house that night because oddly, I began to miss it. The room I grew up in. A fairly spacious, wooden room, adorned with a single Frank Sinatra poster, one spotless window with a looming tree that branched up towards the sky that I could reach out and grab if I wanted to climb down, and a stash of books hidden under my bed. Having seen Parker in my room made me nostalgic and homesick, but I didn't tell Alec that. I didn't even tell him that Parker had been over. Or seen the photograph. Or about anything. I had slept at Alec's house every night for several months without realizing the passing of time, and suddenly started missing the one place I should've hated more than anywhere else.

And the first night back, I had a nightmare strong enough to keep me trapped in my mind until morning.

I slowly brought myself to stand up and shuffle to my bathroom and lean against the porcelain sink. I looked up at myself in the mirror and didn't look away.

My muscles were the same. Firm. Proportionate. Meticulously sculpted arms that held veins running down and around in rivers, smoothly acquired abs, angular and strong jaw line. But my face had changed, even I could tell. Gentle. Relaxed. Soft. The constant, fiery glimmer in my eyes had vanished, and the rough, intimidating cover over my face was gone. I nearly looked like a completely different person. Seeing myself, the only word that came to mind was "vulnerable." And I knew what was happening. I just refused to think about it. To keep things the way they were. To not mess anything up.

"Just keep going." I said aloud.

"Please." I begged myself, voice cracking. My face broke into what comes before tears, without the tears. I leaned on the sink with my elbows and pushed my palms into my eyes.

"Jett?" A voice called from outside my door followed by knocking. I looked behind my shoulder, expecting the person to invite themselves in, which I knew they would, because it was Parker. And he did.

I straightened myself up when he came in and looked over at me, wearing in a white dress shirt that was tucked into a pair of grey slacks. He set down his half-folded suit coat on my bed. Parker's hair was slicked to the side in a comb over and his face was freshly shaven. The black serpent tattoo he had gotten on his neck years ago peeked out over the collar of his shirt as he arched his neck to find me. His shoes were the kind I hated most: square-like, shiny, black, slip-on church shoes. But I would be lying to myself and anyone else if I said he didn't look good. Parker's slim cut body was easily flaunted by what he was wearing.

"Told you I'd be back." Parker smiled cheekily.
I nodded incompletely, raising my head but never bringing it back down, surveying Parker's attire. We made eye contact and I turned around to grab a towel and dampen my weary face.

"You look like shit. What was it? Bad dream?" Parker walked over to me with his sleeves rolled up and his hands in his pockets. "You look like you barely woke up."

I narrowed my eyes and turned the faucet on. "That's because I did. The sun isn't even out yet."

"Let me." Parker took the towel from me and ran it under the water, lightly dampening the surface. I turned to face him and he coolly pressed the fabric to one side of my face, holding my other cheek with two fingers. I closed my eyes and sighed, silently thanking towels and water for being such a simple fix for temporary anxiety.

"What are you dressed for?" I mumbled as he flipped the towel and covered the other side of my face.

"My sister's getting married."

"What? You don't have a sister." I frowned.

"I know, that's what I said." Parker shrugged through annoyance. "She married some rich dude and they're getting married on a yacht at noon."

"What's her name?"

"Chloe." He chortled. "Stupid fucking name."

"Why is that a stupid name? There's nothing wrong with it."

"Well, it's stupid to me." Parker rolled his eyes and wiped my whole face before putting the towel down.

"You knew your dad had multiple affairs, Parker. You knew that since we were kids." I protested as Parker walked back into the bedroom.

"Dude, you gotta put some pants on." He snorted. I looked down at my legs and forgot that all I had on were a pair of boxers. I snatched pajama bottoms off a chair and clumsily stepped into them.

"What did your mom say about the whole thing?" I asked, feeling a little sympathetic.

"She doesn't know. My dad told her we were going to a business conference in San Diego and we'd be back in 3 days." Parker sat down at the foot of my bed and slumped his shoulders, clasping his hands together in between his knees. "I know she has some idea about the shit he does, she just doesn't say anything." He shrugged. "To keep everything okay, you know? To keep it how it is. How it's always been."

My eyes widened as I looked off at the tree outside my window and nodded.

"She's so childish..." Parker grimaced. "She reminds me of Jenna sometimes."

"How are you and Jenna doing, anyway?" I leaned against the frame of the bathroom door. Parker looked up at me with a cocked eyebrow.

"Same shit. You know. Cara follows her everywhere and Alec comes up in their conversations from time to time." He stuck his tongue in his cheek and nodded continuously. "She's got her little entourage and shit."

I blinked. He got up and smoothed the fabric of his shirt downwards as he walked towards me. Parker got dangerously close to my face, but I didn't falter. His breath was uneasy and smelled like sweet mint. His cologne was subtle yet noticeable – a deep, satisfying scent. I could see the fading wounds on his nose and lip. It was evident that someone with expert skill had helped him heal the wounds I gave him.

"You're the closest person to me." Parker's eyes searched my face. "We might as well be blood." His laugh was weak and lasted for a fraction of a second. "My best memories are the ones with you. I know yours are too, Jett. Memories with me. Of us."

I squinted lightly and leaned back. "Except they're not."

I walked past him to the closet to find a pair of clean jeans, leaving Parker in exactly the same position, staring at nothing in the bathroom. When I turned around, his back was still facing me. I slipped out of the pajamas and put on the cold pair of blue jeans and shimmied into a long sleeved black shirt, all while waiting for Parker to turn around. I walked up to him and touched his shoulder, but he quickly snapped around and held a cautionary hand up between us, not looking at my face.

"Don't." Was all he said. Then he grabbed his suit coat from my bed and took three long strides out of my room, never once turning around to look at me.

"Parker!" I frantically jammed my feet into socks and shoes, and hopped after him, stumbling down the stairs. He was walking fast with his shoulders broadened and his head leveled. I watched him burst through the screen door and tuck his hands into his pockets once again. Just as the screen whacked against the frame and flew open again, I bumped into my mom who was crossing the hallway.

"Shit-" I held my hands at my sides in surrender. "Sorry."

"You're a fucking mess." She rolled her eyes and continued walking, allowing me to sprint out the door after Parker.

"Parker!" I yelled. I could see my breath cloud in the air and vanish in his direction. The cold air felt like love against my skin, and it clung to the tips of my hair for refuge. His steps were quick and packed with haste to get away from instigation or otherwise unleash a demon he'd been harboring inside. I could see the front strand of his neatly gelled hair whisking up in the air as he hurried along.

"Stop-" I jogged up to him and grabbed him by the arm, to which he responded with a forceful shove in my direction, turned around to face me, and stopped walking.

"I'm trying to talk to you." I bluntly stated.

"I've been trying to talk to you for the past year, fuckwad." He glowered at me, austerity climbing into his voice. "You think just because you wanna talk I'm suddenly obligated to sit down and have tea and cookies with you and listen to your hopes and dreams? Fuck off."

"Parker, look." He started walking off again, but I grabbed his arm once more and forced him to face me.

"You better get your hands off of me, Foster, I swear on my fucking life I-"

"There is no way I could've managed through childhood without you, Parker." I interrupted. He shut up and watched me. "There is no. Fucking. Way. In Hell." He gritted his teeth and continued to look me in the eye. "You saved me so many times from my parents, from other people, from myself – you were everything I needed. You were my world. Only you. You were my safety." He nibbled at the skin on his lip as I spoke. I slowly let go of his arm. "And yeah, hell yeah, we have some rad fucking memories as kids – but that was all, Parker. We were kids. And those times are definitely not what I would call the best of my life. You'd be an idiot to think that. Those days are done. Things changed."

I stared at him and he stared at me.

"Well go on, then. I know you're not done." He drawled.

"It's selfish of you to think that I loved you as more than a brother. It's fucking selfish." I stepped back to regain personal space. "It's selfish of you to not let me move on, and even worse to not let yourself move on."

"Me, selfish? You're one to talk. And 'move on'? With who? Alec? Is that what this is about? Your secret boyfriend? Who you've known for how long, again? Remind me. What was it? 6 months? Does he even know what you're really like? What you're capable of? I bet my life that he doesn't know even a quarter of what I know about you. I bet my life that Alec has no fucking idea about what your life is really like when you're not with him."

"You can't help who you love, Parker."

I immediately caught myself. Did I just say I love Alec?

He laughed sarcastically and looked up to the sky.
His breath trailed upwards like a smoke signal.
His nose was flushed pink.

"Love. Love?" He smiled and looked at me inquisitively. "You? In love. Right. You don't know what love is. You're empty. There's nothing in you, Jett. Anyone could see that."

I didn't hold back. "I love Alec." The words were strange on my tongue. They held a warm taste, so foreign to me.

"You wear a mask. He doesn't know you. Even if you love him, he couldn't truly love you. He doesn't know what he's dealing with. If you really loved him, you'd leave him. Spare him the trouble. He's already fucked up as it is, you'd only make it worse." He shrugged and shook his head. "You're a fool."

My heart was thudding rapidly in my chest, sounding like a hare bounding across a dirt road. Everything around me felt dangerous.

"I only came here to ask if you wanted to come to the wedding with me so I wouldn't be a lonely fuck at these things like I always am." Parker went out of his way to kick a pinecone off the road and onto the sidewalk. "You were the only person that came to mind." He shot a look back at me and picked a leaf off of a drooping tree. "But I guess that's a shit question, right?"

I slathered a hand over my eye and rubbed the returning scruff on my face. "Parker."

"Yeah, whatever. I gotta get my shit ready." He put his suit coat on and slicked the flyaway hair back into place. "Nice fucking chat, huh?" He smirked. His favorite defense mechanism. "Let's hope I don't get some crazy idea and ruin the wedding." Parker's laugh was small and brief, and then he turned around and went on his way. I watched him struggle to pretend to be okay, but his posture gradually became sulky and his head drooped as he watched his feet take him across the street.

"Goddammit." I whispered under my breath.

"Dammit.

Dammit!

DAMMIT!" I stomped my feet. I crouched in the middle of the road and held my head in my hands, watching a trail of ants swerve around cracks in the cement.

I pulled myself up and went around the back of my house, following a dirt path that ran behind a brick wall. I walked on and on until I caught sight of the poplar trees from my childhood – a sight I hadn't revisited for nearly 10 years. I went down the hill that Parker and I biked down the day I scratched the Caddy kid's new ride, flopping my feet down under the pull of gravity. There was no one outside. I never cared to check the time, but judging by the sky, it was around 6 A.M.

Lavender colored petals fell off the dying trees and swirled on the floor in a waltz. I stepped into the center of a whirling flower tornado and spun myself around until the cyclone died and dispersed around my feet. I nodded to myself and shoved my way in past rough bushes and heightened trees, remembering how much harder it was to get through the blockage 10 years ago. I lost balance and on my hands and knees, falling down into a dry, sloping crater. I managed to adjust myself while sliding down to survey what was left of the flower field I valued so much as a kid.

Nothing.

I caught my breath as I slowly stood up in the center of the subtle downward slope. I looked in all directions.

Nothing.

Vastness of dark, moist soil covered more than just the ground beneath my feet. Not one flower. For miles and miles and miles, not one. The shack was gone. The field was gone. It looked like a barren wasteland. As if there was never anything there. Like someone had been assigned the job to make sure there were no traces of evidence that there had been a stunning flower field residing there in the last decade.

"Mama said he can't pay for the ground anymore so he's going open a liquor store."

"Reppen Supply." I spoke to myself. Off in the distance, I could spot the towering height of Parker's home, where he had carried me the day I ran off. Two years after he kissed me.

"Why'd you do that?" I had asked.

"Mama said you kiss the people you love." Parker replied.

I wiped the dirt off of my jeans the best I could and trudged up the dirt hill, searching for any remains of a tulip or a daisy, anything at all. That day, he had given me his only method of comfort: his iPod. The gift of music.

"Wait! What will you have when your parents fight?"

Parker's face in that moment was something I could never forget, no matter how hard I tried.

"I'll come find you."

I'll come find you.

I fell to my knees and touched my forehead against the soft, wet dirt. I held my breath, warning myself to keep it together.

"I'll come find you." I choked.

Seconds later, I screamed and slammed my fists against the upward slope of the crater. I banged my hands against the sifting dirt and shook in my skin. A trailing, whimpering "fuck" left my throat as I let myself lie down on the cold, dark brown heaps of sand. I pressed the side of my face against the soft earth, closing my eyes and controlling my breathing.

Then, with closed eyes, I realized I had seen something before lying down. Something that emerged from my impulsive act of anger. Something that decided to show itself during my moment of pain. Something beautiful that came after ruin.
I slowly, knowingly opened my eyes to see what appeared only 12 inches from my face.
A single, tiny, sturdy, lush green, dirt covered rosebud came up to say hello.

--

In a nutshell, I went home and got slightly drunk off of a hidden bottle of Jack Daniel's and a couple shots of vodka before I slapped some sense into myself and chucked the everything onto the grass field across the street. Half of it spilled over the neighbor's car, my dad's car, a dumpster, and watered the tree next to it as it shattered into glittering pieces.

"Stupid," I degraded myself for resorting to drinking. "Fucking idiot." I disgustedly wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. I hadn't touched alcohol for more than a year and had plans to keep it that way, but now I was just upset with myself.

"Can't you just handle your shit without getting drunk?" I thumped myself on the head and shuddered in my body from the attempt to suppress tears. "You're just like your parents. Just like them." I crumpled to the floor in the corner of my room and rested my elbows on my knees, holding my head in my hands that covered my face. "Oh my fuck," I wheezed through my fingers. "You're so worthless, oh my god."

Again and again, I decided to catch up with Parker and go to the wedding with him. Again and again, I changed my mind. At one point I was already walking out the door and was halfway to his house until I turned around, just as impulsively as I had decided to leave. A gigantic part of me wanted to go with Parker, in hopes to keep touch of all we had left, but another part of me truly desired to be with Alec.

So I went to Alec's house, and on the way there, I never second guessed my choice.

--

"Alec?" I droned as I dragged my feet through his house. "Alec, I need you."

I felt twice my weight and weakened throughout my body.

"Alec." I groaned at the bottom of the stairs. My voice was barely audible. "Wake up."

I started to trudge up the stairs, heavy with emotions I didn't feel like dealing with that kept running to the front of my mind and were begging for attention.

I gnarled my fingers around my eyes and groaned exhaustedly. Dwelling on my emotions was not something I ever did, so the conversation I had with Parker was not necessarily a good thing. Coming to terms with my feelings was never something I would look forward to. But the only other time I had verbally expressed my emotions was the evening Alec convinced me to stay with him - the evening Parker had him held in a chokehold – and the realization that my emotional breakdowns were only linked to Alec, made my current, already overwhelmed state even worse than it already was. Sloppily opening the door showed me Alec, rubbing his eyes and sitting up with the bedside lamp glowing orange.

"Jett? Are you alright?" He squinted at me, pumping his feet to remove the covers. I slid right on top of him, pressing him down to the bed, my legs fitting inside and outside of his like a puzzle. I dipped my spine and caught Alec in an open-mouthed kiss, nearly grinding on him subconsciously. His fingertips gingerly pressed against my jaw. His leg curled over mine.

"I'm still sore from the other night," Alec's tone was apologetic. I continued to kiss him, skimming heavy hands under his shirt and grabbing his sides, pulling him up. So easy to push around. So incapable of escape. He let out noises that were a cross between satisfaction and question, between pleasure and pain. I felt around his chest high enough to stick my arm out of the collar of his shirt and grasp the side of his neck as I held him up with my other arm. I felt a fiery desire in me as well as a strained frown lapping over my face. I pulled the shirt off over Alec's head with one hand in a single, swift motion.

"Jett, wait, please." Alec palmed against my chest as he would always do when protesting.

"I don't wanna wait." I murmured, letting his body down and teething and tonguing his neck. Alec pressed his open mouth of soft, swelling lips against my temples as I worked around his body with my fingers. Intimate scenarios always made me feel strong and Alec feel weak – a contrast that undeniably turned me on.

I hooked both of my hands under the waistband of the jeans Alec had slept in and pulled him up by the hip with one hand while undoing his button and fly with the other. My heartbeat was rapid and almost panicked as though the situation was a dire emergency.