The Greatest Force Ch. 11

"Hi...!"

I kept walking down the shore and ignored Jenna, slacks rolled above my ankles and tie loosened to the full extent.

"Are you okay?"

I rolled my eyes at her and turned away when she tried to land in my point of view. I sniffled and wiped my mouth. "When exactly did you start caring?"

Jenna stopped walking and then skittishly caught up to me, her voluptuous curves gliding from side to side, swaying up and down. Her thick blond hair was tied in a strangled bun that was falling apart at the sides, and the feathery dress she came in was traded out for a pink cover up. There was never a time Jenna didn't have something pink on her body.

"I've never seen you emotional before. Jett? Crying? That's unheard of. Jett breaking down? Extremely unheard of. So it must've been something big."

I gave her a sideways look and shook my head. "You don't know anything about me. You don't even spend enough time around me to know what I'm like."

"We go to the same school, babe." She puckered her lips and smacked them. "No one at school has to figure things out about other people on their own. It never happens like that anymore." A slender finger wrapped around a stray lock of gold. "It's so cute that you went to Parker for comfort," she giggled politely, "he's great with stuff like that. I'm so envious of your friendship. I've never had a best friend." Jenna smiled brightly and looped an arm around mine.

"Come on now, Jenna, that shouldn't surprise you. Do you have any friends at all?"

She stopped me and stared me in the eye, fiery and strong. Jenna's face was beautiful, despite the loads of makeup, and her body was as well. It just wasn't something I could deny. No one could, for that matter.

"Listen to me, Jett." She squeezed the same arm in the same spot my dad had held onto it that morning. "I choose to be nice to you."

"Please let go of me." I whispered, staring at the waves crashing behind her.

"Come on, big boy. Let's keep ourselves on civil terms. You know I'm capable of being the opposite." Jenna tapped my nose and giggled evilly. She tilted her head and observed my face, which I suddenly felt self-conscious of, remembering that I'd been sobbing and aching all over just a couple of minutes ago. I shyly looked away and rubbed one eye, darting my eyes on and off of Jenna.

Jenna clicked her tongue. "So dreamy." She flipped the stray strands of hair behind her head and twiddled her fingers.

"Too-da-loo, loverboy!" She started jogging away. Jenna purposefully added a full sway to her wide hips.

I came to my senses when I saw Jenna's shiny blonde hair drifting in the wind just like it did in the back alley of the parking lot the day Parker held Alec in a chokehold and I nearly gave everything away. I saw Alec's eyes shatter out of their usual radiance and disappear in shards into the abyss of his glistening eyes when I said I didn't care about him, when in reality, I cared about him more than anything in my world. The way he desperately wrangled himself out of Parker's arms to get to his pain relievers flashed in my mind over and over. I was all he had, and I didn't even think twice about what I was saying. He was all I had, and he had no reason or knowledge to believe it, because I didn't give him anything to believe it.

"I knew it!" his voice was shrill, pained and angry, disappointed and regretful.

That sweet, tortured face.

Lengths of supple, creamy skin.

The raspy, velvet voice.

I blinked my eyes, shaking myself out of the past. "What am I doing here...?" I gasped, feeling my tie. I suddenly became panicked and felt a surge of anxiety suffocate me from inside my chest. Yanking off the tie in hasty and frantic motions, I balled it up in my fist and sprinted to find Parker. He was enjoying a freshly poured glass of honey whiskey at the outdoor bar. The deep brown, wooden overhang made the venue look like something in Hawaii. He was standing alone, but people were huddled around the bar and chatting with each other. Parker looked lonely in an odd way – the kind where you see a stranger that seems like they get along well with other people and are admired, but purposefully isolate themselves. He held out his glass as a toast.

"So, you - "

"I'm leaving."

"What...?"

I jammed the tie into Parker's hand and huffed. "I'm gonna take a cab. I'll drop the clothes off at your house later. Don't follow me. Tell Jenna to fuck off - "

"Jenna -?"

"Just forget about what happened today, okay? Please. Just do it for me."

"Of course..." Parker's face fell and his mouth twisted with hurt. "Anything for you."

"Don't say that to me." I pointed a finger at him and shook it lightly, inducing an even more hurt look to swim across Parker's face.

"Will you at least tell me where you're going?"

"No."

"You're going to Alec's, aren't you?"

I bit my lip angrily, putting a hand on my hip and scratching my eyebrow.

"Don't do anything you're gonna regret, you piece of shit." He mumbled, swallowing everything in his glass. "You really love this guy, right? Tell him sober. Maybe it'll count for something." Parker scratched the inner corner of his eye and had a hard time looking me in the eye.

I stared at Parker, half of me drowning in admiration. "I hate when you're nice to me."

Parker half smiled and looked down, turning away and letting me leave. "Better go before it gets too dark."

As I walked away, I peeked over my shoulder and saw that he had turned to glance at me as well.

---

"Hello...?" I gently pushed the already-open front door to the wall. "Alec...?"

The sun had gone down by the time I got back and the sky was cast in a blue green gradient with glimmers of silver up high. The exhaustion I was feeling was unexplainable, but my desire to see Alec overpowered my tiredness by a landslide.

I invited myself in, practically coming home, and shrugged myself out of the suit jacket. I saw that the fireplace had been had been going for quite a while, knowing that Alec liked to start it up when he was feeling stressed. I stood on my knees and shuffled over to the fire, sitting cross-legged in between the two couch chairs and rubbing my hands over each other in front of my mouth.

"Get out of my house."

Startled, I turned around to face Alec, who was standing at the bottom of the staircase. He was dressed for something – or maybe nothing – in a black shirt under a black jacket, blue jeans and white shoes. His hair was relaxed and combed back; soft and free.

"Aren't you going to ask me where I've been?"

"No. I'm on my way out."

I turned back to face the flames and held back a pout, knowing the following conversation was going to test my exhaustion. I gingerly touched the calluses on my palms and bit the inside of my lip.

"There are a lot of things I want to say..."

"I don't want to know."

The long-faced pout I was trying so hard to hold back fell free when I turned around again to face Alec.

"Well, I'm going to tell you anyway." I gathered myself and stood up, marked with guilt when I saw Alec take a step back as I approached him.

"I'm not drunk right now...." I shrugged, "just for the record...and you have every right to be upset with me right now, but just listen - "

Alec said nothing and just stared at me with his glassy eyes. He moved away from me and sat on one of the white couch chairs in front of the fireplace. My heartbeat felt like a bass inside of my chest, and I struggled to muster up the courage to sit down and continue.

"I..." my body slipped into the other chair and I rubbed my knees anxiously. "Uh...when I was little, my – a – I - " I stammered and stuttered and tried to properly word my sentences, regretting that I hadn't thought any of this out before. "I don't really know how to do this..."

Alec softened in his seat and eased up on the harsh glare, recognizing that for the first time, I was trying to share my personal life with him – something he had been denied countless times in the past.

"My parents are full blown alcoholics. Like...raging alcoholics. The only reason why they're still together is because they need each other to buy the liquor, so...I mean...they...married each other because my mom got pregnant and then I was probably 5 years old when she started really, really drinking – my dad always drank. So I remember her before she...was...how she always is..." I tapped my fingertips on my thigh and rarely made direct eye contact with Alec, who still hadn't spoken a single word.

"She's a really, really, really amazing person. I love her a lot. She used to do these incredible portraits of strangers she would see pass by our porch – you would like them so much, Alec, they're phenomenal and captivating and so surreal..." I stole a glance at Alec and saw him fighting back a sad smile.

"My dad, uh," I swallowed hard. "Was – has – always been physically abusive...I guess you knew that though..." Alec looked into the fire, somewhere deep and distant, lost in my words. I knew I had to make them mean something. Anything.

"But more than physically abusive, he was – I mean – has been sexually abusive – to me – I - " My heartbeat quickened and almost felt pained. Alec pulled his knees into his chest and looked at me. All of the energy in my body felt like it was being drained out of my fingertips. "All my life, he was like that. He would beat me if I tried to run, and if I told anyone, he said he would hurt my mom. So I didn't tell anyone, because I loved her. I still do. Love her, I mean." I tapped my foot nervously. "My dad was the first person I ever slept with. I remember you asking me about who my first was..." I shamefully glanced up at Alec, who had a look of despair all across his face. "He really hurt me." I scratched at my fingernails and focused on a particular ridge along my thumbnail. "My heart." Alec sighed through his nose, palming a hand over his chest. "Parker helped me escape life at home a lot. And he loved me – Parker – then and now. He really did love me. He does. Even though I'm so mean to him." I laughed awkwardly. "There's nothing about me that – I – don't know why he – I just - " I tried to stop my hands from shaking by clasping them together, but doing so made it worse. "I went to a wedding with him just now and we kissed. A lot." My voice was strained and tired and croaky. "I don't know what I was doing – I – after you said that you hate me I just felt like shit and was such a mess and was just feeling a lot of pain and confusion and," a lump welled in my throat. "I was looking for anything to assure myself that someone out there does love me. At all." I spread out my arms and dropped them, quickly bringing them back to my lap. "And I realized that I only love you. I know you inadvertently asked me to never say that, since you would get mad, but if it makes a difference, I am definitely not drunk and I love you. I want to say it to you all the time. Every day we've been together, I've had to fight so hard not to say it, because I love you so much. I don't know why I forced myself on you like that, Alec - " Alec rubbed his face. "I never drink - I swear to you – I swear on my life, I don't drink and I would never do anything like that to you ever again – please - " Alec started getting up out of his seat. "Alec, wait! Alec! No, please, listen to me - " I stood up and put my palms together, begging him to stay. My voice became desperate and heavy, promising to grow into a sob. "I need you so much – just – every waking minute, you are on my mind, and even if I try to get you out, you come back to me through red leaves in autumn or when the sky turns purple during the sunset or damp wood in the morning or the smell of rain on the pavement or when someone starts to peel a tangerine and the longer I'm away from you, the more frequent I'm reminded of you and it makes me swell up with this horrible feeling of dread that if I don't get back to you right away, you'll be gone forever and I'll never hold you again or touch you again or hear your voice beside me or that you'll forget about me completely and I - " I stopped to catch my breath. "need you."

Alec scratched his cheek. He waited a while before he responded.

"This is all about you."

I frowned, slightly offended by his lack of appreciation for me pouring my heart out to him. "What...?"

"All of this." Alec motioned around us. "It's all about you. What YOU want. What YOU need. You never once mentioned how all of these other people feel, Jett. You're selfish."

I sat down and frowned harder. "I'm not selfish."

"You never do things for other people. You never give, you just get."

"I have NOTHING to give, Alec!!" I yelled, grabbing my head, feeling crazed at his lack of understanding. "I have NOTHING!" I pinched my fingers together and released them extravagantly, resembling the burst of grand fireworks. Alec put a finger up to his lips, signaling to me to quiet down.

"This isn't about monetary value, Jett. This is about doing good things for people without expecting things in return." Alec shook his head in disgust.

"Alec," the tears started pushing out of my eyes like solid diamonds, even more tormented by his inability to understand me. "I don't expect ANYTHING - " I shook my head slowly, feeling the tiredness sink into my core.

"The most you've ever done for me is go with me to those recent therapy sessions, and that was basically only for the library - "

"WHAT -?!"

"That therapist, by the way, talked a lot of sense into me about you and really put things into perspective. Shh. Don't speak right now."

I sniffed and wiped my eyes, hands and feet trembling.

Alec pointed at me accusingly. "You've been feeding off of me like some sort of parasite and have been making me worse. I thought I was getting better, but I was completely lost. That day I convinced you to stay with me was the stupidest thing I've ever done." Alec reached over his shoulder and grabbed the two new prescription bottles I had seen on the table the other day. "She prescribed me medication that actually works. It works!" Alec sarcastically rejoiced. "I finally feel like myself again, after years of being trapped. Everything was perfectly laid out in front of me when I started taking the pills and I couldn't believe everything I had done to be with you. None of it was even worth it."

"Alec." I sighed loudly, repressing a sob, burying my face in my hands. "That's a lie."

"No, Jett. It's the truth. I don't love you. I'm going to start getting better, and I need you to be gone from my life for me to do that. And if you really do love me as much as you say, you'll cooperate."

I was completely silent besides the occasional sobbing hiccup. "Don't leave me." I begged.

"I'm sorry about how things are for you at home. I get it. You're damaged. But you're telling me these things at the wrong time. Maybe things would've turned out differently if you told me when I actually wanted to hear it. What was so hard about this? Why couldn't you have told me this sooner?"

"I was ashamed." I choked. "I didn't want you to know." My fingers crawled across my cheek in a long drag. "I knew I would tell you one day and I knew I would be embarrassed but I didn't think it would be THIS embarrassing and the circumstances right now make it so much more embarrassing -!" I bounced my legs up and down, squeezing my head between my hands and looking down. "I feel sick..."

"It's all about you again!" Alec threw his arms up in the air.

"I hate myself - " the delirium was kicking in and I started hitting myself on the head repeatedly. "I HATE MYSELF."

"Jesus Christ, Jett. You're just like those case studies psychologists do on kids that don't get proper attention and nurture when they're young. You need help."

"I told you about that psychologist shit, don't you remember?" I snarled, crossed with anger and sadness.

"Yeah, and I also remember how right after, you slowly knelt down beside me after I had just started up the fireplace," Alec walked up to me and sensually straddled me in the chair, sending a chill down my spine. "And took my face in your hand real close," Alec did exactly as he spoke. "And asked me, 'If I turned out like one of those kids, would you still want me?' And I looked right at you and said yes," Alec squeezed my shoulder in a rolling motion, meaning to relax me, but knowingly doing the opposite. "And then you laid me down right there, on that floor, hungry for passion," he slid his hand up my shirt and squeezed my side, "for love," he brushed his bottom lip over my eye and grabbed my neck, "desperate for a connection, and made love to me endlessly, nearly a lifetime."

Alec's breathing was growing as unsteady as mine. "But little did you know," he leaned in to my ear and whispered, "I lied."

"What happened to you..." I slurred, pushing Alec away from me in fear.

"I don't know you! I'm gonna throw up." I frantically grabbed my chest and paced rapidly around the room, searching for anything to vomit in. I crumbled to the floor in front of the trash bin and threw up water.

Fucking water.

I groaned and wiped my mouth with a violently shaking hand, realizing I was feeling fatigued and malnourished because I hadn't properly eaten anything for over 24 hours. My stomach growled low, reverberating to my back. I suddenly remembered that I was hypoglycemic, losing the thought for years after never encountering any problems with it.

"You have to leave." Alec pulled me by the collar of my shirt. I tried to grab the floor with my hands, but Alec had suddenly found physical strength and began dragging me across the tile messily and lopsidedly, making it hard for me to regain orientation.

"Sugar - "

"That's a new one." Alec threw the door open, dumping Parker's suit jacket on my head.

"No – I need - " I stumbled to my feet and touched Alec's shoulder for support through dizziness. He shoved me out of the doorway immediately, where I fell on my knees onto the three cement stairs and slid down on my side, scraping the left side of my face against the pavement.

A helpless noise of pain escaped my mouth when my face hit the floor, and my lip quivered uncontrollably when I saw Alec slam the door shut. The air felt piercing cold against my skin, like it was hitting me straight on my bones. I struggled to stand up, pawing at the side walls for stability.

"Mmmm...?" I looked around and touched the bleeding side of my face. My tears stung against the hundreds of tiny scrape wounds. I stood and scratched my head in agony, turning in circles, not sure where to do or where to go.

"Where..." I spoke at nothing. "Alec."

I dizzily walked to the fence and shoved past, letting the gate sway back and forth behind me. "So stupid, Jett." I thunked my head. "Doesn't love me. Knew that already." Parker's suit jacket dragged along the street. "You're a fucking idiot. Fucking stupid fuck." I slapped myself and shook my head.

Before I knew it, I was trudging up the wooden steps in my crickety house and ignoring my mom's screams asking where I got the suit from. My first destination was my clothes drawer, frantically digging out a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and mercilessly devouring it in less than 30 seconds. I ate a second and a third, begging for my symptoms to subside. I held a half-eaten sandwich in one shaky hand while pulling Alec's photograph out from under my bedside lamp and tilting my head to examine it. I made sure not to touch it with jelly fingers or get any crumbs around it. I ran my thumb along his smiling face and laid down on my side, nestling my head into my cold pillow.

"I'm sorry."

The photograph trembled in my grasp.

"What's all this fucking nonsense?" My mom stormed in and hit me on the back of the head. "Where did you get this suit? What is this?" She snatched the picture out of my hand and put her filthy fingers all over the film.