The Halloween Prank

My wife Linda and I have known each other most of our lives. We grew up in the same small town living less than a quarter of a mile from each other. We went to the same schools together starting with kindergarten.

In most stories of this type I would be telling you how she humiliated me at the Prom or how I saved her chastity at a wild party. Unfortunately for this story none of that stuff ever happened to us. Linda and I were never friends in High School, but then again we were never enemies either. That doesn't mean I never noticed Linda. She was always the best looking girl in the school and everybody noticed that.

She never turned me down for a date, but I never asked. I would have if I thought I had a chance, but Linda was a cheerleader and dated the jocks. I was on the track team and worked stage crew for the Drama Club. Our High School graduating class was just under one hundred students, not a very large school so we all knew each other pretty well after 13 years.

My name is Matt Dodson, just an average guy about six feet tall. Brown hair, brown eyes, like I said, average. I have a sister Betty that is a couple of years older than I am and we both work in the hardware store that my father owns in town.

I dated a few girls in High School but I was still a virgin when I went off to college. I was accepted to a State College 100 miles from home. I planned on a being a business major so I could run the family store. A had my own car when I headed off to school and dorm life. There were a few of my old classmates at college and one of them was Linda.

I was having lunch in the campus center about two weeks into my first semester when Linda sat down at my table.

"Hi Matt, how are things going?"

"Pretty good Linda, how are you doing?" I was wondering why she was talking to me. Remember I told you we never had been friends.

"Not bad...not bad...I do have one problem I was hoping you could help me with."

I waited.

"I understand you have a car and I was hoping I could catch a ride with you back home sometimes." Linda was a little nervous asking me for the favor. "I can help you with gas money!" She quickly added.

"Gas is no problem Linda. I won't cost me any extra to have a passenger. I plan on going home most weekends so I can help out at the hardware store."

"That's great Matt, but I insist on helping with gas money. It's the least I can do!"

We made arraignments to get together after our last class on Friday. A couple of hours with a beautiful girl in my car was not too hard to take. We probably talked more in that ride than we had in all the years I had known her. After that day we made the ride home together pretty much every week. Home Friday afternoon and then back to school late Sunday. After a few weeks Linda asked if we could go back early Monday mornings instead of Sunday.

"We can give it a try if you want to do the driving. I'm no good early in the morning. Linda readily agreed. On Monday mornings I would drive to her house early and move around to the passenger seat, lay it way back and try to nap. I even brought a pillow. We would stop for coffee near school so I could join the world again.

It was early November when I took a chance and asked Linda to go to a Drama Club play with me. I had worked making the sets but was not on that productions crew. Freshmen get last choice. Linda said "Yes, great!" And I started breathing again. The play went well so I asked her to a basketball game on campus and things went pretty well again. No kiss at the end of the night however. And no, I didn't even try.

We were driving back to school the Monday after Thanksgiving when it happened. I was lying on my side watching her drive. She looked great! Her blond hair was in a ponytail and she was wearing the deep red lipstick that suits her so well. Not many girls used those strong lipstick colors but on Linda they looked good. Kind of 1950's retro if you know what I mean. Mostly I was watching her breasts. Like most guys I just loved that part of a woman. Hers were nice and large, but not too large. Perfect!

"I like you" I said. It took me about half a second to realize I had said it out loud. Shit, what if I get shot down! I held my breath and waited.

"I like you too Matt." She said with a smile.

Wow!

I took a chance and went for it. "In that case would you go out on a date with me?"

"We have been on two dates Matt, the play and the game." She was having a little fun with me.

"I mean a real date Linda. The kind where we kiss at the end."

"Yes Matt, we can go on a 'kiss at the end' date."

We went on that date and we did kiss at the end. We kissed a LOT at the end! I was in heaven. By Christmas we were going steady and I finally got layed that next Valentine's Day. Flowers DO work! It was not Linda's first time, I imagine some football player got there before me, but what can you do.

Things were going fantastic until one Saturday in May when I went to the mall in the next town with my sister. Betty was living with her fiancé and the wedding was in a few weeks. Betty dragged me into Victoria's Secret to get some honeymoon wear. I got very embarrassed pretty quickly, she is my sister after all, TMI. So I waited near the front of the store. When we left the store Betty was laughing and teasing me and trying to get me to look in the bag.

Suddenly Linda was in front of me "Bastard!" She said as she laid a two by four upside my head, knocking me to the ground. Betty swears it was only Linda's open hand that slapped my face, but I think she got it wrong somehow. Just after hitting the ground I received "Asshole!" as she kicked me in the nuts.

Linda disappeared as quickly as she had appeared. Just like the witch in that Oz film. Betty thought it was all pretty funny until she saw me try and walk. "Was that your new girlfriend Linda?" She asked me.

"Yes." I responded an octave higher than usual. I think they call it called falsetto.

"Pretty girl, why didn't you introduce us?" Betty giggled. Very Funny!

That day was my first experience with Linda's jealous temper. (Foreshadowing Alert!) It would not be my last.

When I returned home from the mall I considered calling Linda and telling her Betty was my sister but I was pretty mad and in some pain so I decided to let her stew for a while.

The next day I had calmed down a little and gave Linda a call. When she answered I said "Linda I need to explain what you saw yester..."

"Don't ever call here again! I don't need you and I don't need your rides!" Then she slammed the phone down.

I waited a few minutes then called back. Mrs. Carter answered the phone and she must have caller ID because she started right in on me. "Matt you need to stop calling Linda, it's over."

"I'm sorry Mrs. Carter I will not call again. But please give Linda one last message. Tell her I'm sorry I didn't get to introduce her to my sister Betty yesterday."

"Oh...Oh no!... your sister!"

"Yes, my sister, Goodbye Mrs. Carter." I was still a little pissed so I hung up.

I expected a call back but it never happened. Instead Linda was at the door shortly after the call. She was all apologies and wanted make up sex when we returned to the dorms. I told her no to the sex and held her off for several days claiming my balls hurt too much. It was bullshit but I was making a point.

I invited Linda to the wedding as my guest. We had a good time. I especially enjoyed introducing Linda to my sister Betty.

Over the next few years we were kind of on again, off again. We had broken up a couple of times over stupid stuff. But always found our way back together. After graduation Linda went off to Veterinary School for four years and I started working in the hardware store full time. I must have been one of those "absence makes the heart grow fonder" things because it was during this time we fell madly in love. By the time Linda became Doctor Linda Carter she was only a few weeks away from becoming Doctor Linda Dodson. We were married and I think Linda conceived on our honeymoon. We had a beautiful little girl followed in two years by a boy.

My father wanted to retire early because of health problems and after I was full time for a couple of years he was able to do it. I started expanding our business rather aggressively putting on an addition and buying the Laundromat next door to the store.

Linda and I bought a large house and built on an attached animal clinic. We were happy parents. We had sex three times a week, sometimes getting a little kinky. Things were going great and I couldn't have been happier. So naturally this is when it hit the fan.

Our next door neighbors were a couple about our age with one child. Ann and Bob Weston became our fast friends almost overnight. We even vacationed together a few times. We competed with fireworks on the Fourth of July, with outdoor lighting at Christmas and with pranks on Halloween. We always had a huge party every Halloween and alternated houses each year.

The pranking thing started out slow but over the years it grew. Bob has video of an oldie but goody he pulled on me a few years ago on Halloween. He gathered dog poop in a brown paper bag, placed it on our front walk, set it on fire and rang our doorbell. Linda was in on it so she had me answer the door. Like an idiot I fell hook, line and sinker. I stomped out the fire while Bob held the video camera pointed at me. Even today Bob wets himself laughing when he watches that video. He has in on YouTube.

One year Bob went into our master bathroom when the party was ending and put clear plastic wrap over the toilet bowl, then put the seat down. Very Good Bob!

One time when the party was in our home I snuck next door and changed all their clocks ahead by two hours. They didn't notice the difference that night so the next morning they got up, had breakfast and headed to work two hours early.

Two years ago I had Linda arrested for animal cruelty. Okay, not really arrested, but Ann's brother is on the local police. He came to the house on Halloween during the party and put the cuffs on my wife telling her that a complaint had been filed on her and he had to take her in. Linda knew it was Ann's brother and she knew it was Halloween so it was not hard for her to figure out it was a prank. Ann, Bob and I were waiting outside to give her a good laugh, but when I saw the look on Linda's face I knew I was in trouble. She was not amused.

So when Halloween rolled around the last year I figured I was in for it. No problem I thought, if I can dish it out, I have to be able to take it.

The party was next door at the Weston house that year so we didn't have a lot of preparations. When I entered the house after work Linda was waiting with a Bloody Mary for us both. I drank mine noticing that Linda seemed agitated and pissed off. And she was not looking me in the eye. After a while I started to feel a little funny, warm and a little out of it. That is when I realized Linda had drugged me. I had the idea I could phone for help, but that would spoil whatever prank Linda had cooked up. Besides I can dish it out, so I can also take it. Couldn't I?

After that things were a little foggy for a while. I remember Linda calling me a bastard and telling me to get up and walk and I remember her pulling off my pants but not much else.

When I woke up I was laying naked on a cold metal table. My legs were up in the air being held by those stirrup kind of things you attach to a doctors exam table. I wondered why a vet would need those. When I tried to move I discovered I was handcuffed to either side of the table. I told you we were a little kinky. We have a toy box full of all kinds of interesting things. Linda and I had each worn these cuffs before. No big deal right? Just a prank. That is what I was trying to tell myself.

Linda walked into the room and just looked at me. She didn't look to good. She was definitely looking angry but there was more to it than that.

"I'm sorry Matt, but you made me do it you cheating bastard!" She said glaring at me.

"Made you do what honey?" I tried to smile and keep it light.

"I neutered you Matt. I removed your testicles." She said with more regret than anger. "You only have yourself to blame. But now I'm going to be in some pretty deep shit myself." She looked at the floor.

I had to hand it to Linda this was a great prank! World class stuff. I wondered if there was a camera on me. I looked around for one as I sarcastically said "Oh my god... you cut my balls off... my own wife castrated me... we can never have another child!" Then I switched to a normal voice. "Great job Linda, congratulations, this is the best prank ever!"

"It's no prank Matt. Right now I wish it were. I was so angry when I did it... Shit!"

I could feel a pain in my nut sack but I knew what it was. Linda had placed one of the stainless steel clamp things on me. The handcuffs were there so I couldn't reach down and feel it or remove it. The clamp was to give me enough pain to scare the shit out of me, if I was gullible enough.

"Nice try Linda but there is a huge hole in your prank. My loving wife would never cut my balls off on Halloween just for a prank! Other than that it is really a great idea for a prank!"

"I didn't do it for a prank Matt. I found out about you and Ann you cheating asshole. If you had kept it in your pants you would still have your nuts. It's not as bad as you imagine however, we already have the kids."

"What....what... what makes you think I was cheating with Ann!" I figured it was still a prank but I was no longer all that positive I was right.

"Give it up Matt, Bob came over before you came home and showed me pictures of you and Ann in bed together. You both looked to be having one hell of a time."

This could still be a prank I told myself. It was just a more involved prank. I was starting to feel sick to my stomach.

"Linda, pictures can be Photo Shopped. And you are telling me that Bob bought these pictures to you on HALLOWEEN and you didn't suspect a prank!"

"Oh My God!" Linda screamed as she reached for the phone. "Get the hell over here right NOW! Bring Ann with you!" She yelled into the phone after it connected.

Linda went out and quickly brought our neighbors into the clinic. Ann looked at me cuffed naked to the table and turned white. "What the hell is..."

"Were those pictures faked?" Linda yelled at them.

"Ya, sure... that was Ann and I with Matt's head pasted on. A pretty good job I think. Why is Matt cuffed to the table?" Bob was not yet up to speed on the situation.

Linda was beside herself. "How fucking stupid can you get! You two made me cut Matt's nuts off!"

This could still be a prank but only if it was a very very complicated prank involving all three of them. I then saw Ann look closely between my spread legs, she turned, then threw up all over the wall. I didn't think my cock was all that disturbing a sight so I was thinking my nuts really were gone. Ann might be a good actress but she could not projectile vomit on cue.

Linda was talking into the phone again. "We need an ambulance at this address ASAP, a man has been castrated... It doesn't matter how, we need help right now."

Linda ran out of the room while telling Bob to go outside and guide the paramedics to the clinic when they arrived. Ann went outside with Bob. Linda returned quickly with a bowl of ice and did something at the counter.

I was trying to figure a way this was still a prank but was not coming up with much. Then again Linda could have faked the phone call. That hope died when I heard the siren approaching the house. Once again I was thinking "I can dish it out, and I can take it." What a bunch of bullshit!

The paramedics entered the room and froze for a second when they saw me. "What do we have here? What's going on?"

"He has been castrated." Linda volunteered in a strained voice. "His testicles are packed in ice in this bowl. Perhaps they can be surgically replaced."

One of them quickly keyed his collar mike and requested police backup. A second later he asked them to hurry. He then said to Linda, "Why is he cuffed and where are the keys?"

Linda produced the keys and quickly un-cuffed me. "I'm so sorry honey!" she sobbed to me. The police were coming through the door as they were taking me out. I turned to my wife and said "Linda, say... I want my lawyer before questioning!" She looked confused so I yelled, "Just say it!"

"I want my lawyer before questioning."

I looked at the cops and told them "You heard her!"

At the hospital they had a surgeon that took a shot at putting one of my nuts back but it didn't take. The urologist had a long talk with me and actually the news was pretty good.

"We were unable to restore the testicle but we were able to aspirate sperm from the epididymis of your testicle. The sperm has been frozen so you can father children in the future if you wish. That would require artificial insemination however." Not a problem, I had two children. But it was nice to hear. "And contrary to what most people seem to think your seminal fluid, or semen, is manufactured near your prostate not in your testicles. So you will be able to ejaculate normally. And the best news is that we can replace the testosterone you will no longer get from your testicles with a simple shot every month. This idea that sex ends when you lose your testicles is an urban legend."

"So Doc, can I have normal sex?"

"Absolutely, you can have perfectly normal sex. If you don't want any more children and you get a testosterone shot once a month then you will hardly notice any difference in your sex life. We can even implant plastic testicles in your scrotum for cosmetic reasons if you wish."

This was much better news than I expected. I was out of the hospital the next day.

Linda had been arrested shortly after I entered the ambulance. She was out on bail the next day. Surprisingly Ann and Bob were being arrested as Linda was released. It turns out our State has laws against pranks that result in injury or property damage. Malicious mischief or some such thing. They took a deal for six days in jail and a $500 dollar fine each.

Linda could have been in serious trouble but I refused to testify against her and even suggested that I wanted her to castrate me. I don't think anybody believed that but they dropped all the charges except the one that was easy to prove and didn't require my testimony. Linda had operated on a human without a license. There was no way I could convince anybody I was a German Sheppard.

Linda took a deal for 90 days in jail. Not bad under the circumstances. She ended up serving just over two months. The State Veterinary Board tried to pull her license but Linda had a good attorney. They have plenty of regulations about treating animals and running a Veterinary business. However, as it turns out, they didn't have any rules against removing your husband's testicles. She kept her license.

You might ask why I wanted to go so easy on my wife. Think about it. Linda spending years in prison would have cut our family income in half and left me taking care of the house and the kids by myself.

Linda lost some customers from her practice but she also picked some up. Curiosity I guess. Within the year her practice was doing fine again.

The worst thing about losing my nuts turned out to be people's stupid misconceptions. Everybody knew what happened, it was on the news, and everybody thought I was unable to have sex. I think some of them expected me to grow tits and wear a dress. My cousin Rachael asked me if I still had to shave. Linda being a doctor knew all about testosterone shots and was not the least surprised I could function normally.

In fact after Linda was released our sex life was better than ever. We already had a good sex life and when you added Linda's guilt factor, we were off the charts.