The Happiest Day of Her Life Ch. 07

Chloe rested her head on Jenn's shoulder and looked at the rest of her visitors. Mr. and Mrs. Stevens always looked like they were teenagers in love. They were almost always holding hands. Mrs. Stevens, Catherine, looked very much like her daughters. She and Marie had the same hazel eye color. Mr. Stevens, Harry, could easily be described by Chloe as a silver fox. She was not sexually attracted to him, but Chloe could appreciate how handsome Harry's almost white hair made him look. Holly had been uncharacteristically quiet. Chloe was about to address the beautiful blonde judge when Frank spoke up suddenly and cut her off before she could open her mouth.

"Hey, Ree, is my room at your house still available or do I need to make other arrangements?"

Marie walked up to Frank. She grabbed him roughly by the shirt collar and pulled him in as she kissed him hard on the lips. The kiss lasted at least eight seconds. Marie broke the kiss and slapped Frank hard across his cheek. The entire room was silent. All eyes were on Marie.

Marie did not speak for the longest time. When she did finally say something, it was nowhere near what anyone was expecting her to say.

She said, "It's Thursday. I have to go to my counseling session." Without another word, Marie walked out of the room.

All eyes swiftly turned to Jenn and Chloe, the two Psychology majors in grad school. Holly was the first to speak.

"What the hell was that?" she asked.

Jenn said, "I'm not sure. I think.... She might finally be there."

"She's finally where?" asked Frank as he rubbed his cheek.

"Stage One," said Jenn with a meaningful tone.

"Stage one of what?" asked Holly.

"Well," said Chloe, "J is referring to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross' five stages of grief but it's misleading to say stage one."

Harry asked, "Why is that?"

Chloe said, "It's misleading because there is no right or wrong stage to start with. Many people think there is an order to them. They think you go from Denial to Anger to Bargaining to Depression to Acceptance. That simply isn't true. Some people start at Anger; some start at Depression."

"That's right," said Jenn. "It's not always a one and done, either. Some people don't accept the stage they're in and they backslide. It's not unusual for a person to go back and forth between two stages for a while."

"Ok," said Frank, "what stage is kissing and slapping people?"

"Probably Denial," said Chloe. "That's another issue with Kübler-Ross. There isn't always a clear-cut divider between stages. That could easily have been Anger or Depression we just witnessed. It could even have been a little bit of the three stages combined. The important thing to take away from this, though, is that Ree might finally be on the path to facing her grief."

Catherine asked, "Almost two years in mourning doesn't count?"

"No," said Chloe. "It doesn't. Not for nothing, but Ree was only going through the motions. She wasn't confronting her grief. She was in denial, and I'm not talking about the Kübler-Ross stage. She was denying her grief. She put a lid on it so she could go to work everyday and so she could testify at those trials. She put a lid on her grief so she could be brave for us."

"Is that such a bad thing?" asked Catherine.

Chloe asked in reply, "Do you know what happens when you put a lid on a boiling pot?"

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Marie arrived at Dr. Clarke's office right on time; as usual. Kevin opened the door for her and she walked in. Normally, Marie would enter the counseling office and sit in the chair facing Kevin's chair. This time she sat on the couch. The couch also faced Kevin's chair. There was a window behind the couch. Above the window was an analog clock that ticked quietly during each session. The walls were flanked with bookshelves.

Kevin noted Marie in a new place and addressed her warmly, saying, "Good Afternoon, Marie. How have you been?"

Marie sat perfectly still, almost stoically, for a moment or two and then she was actively sobbing. Kevin made no attempts to stop her crying. There was a coffee table in front of her with tissue boxes. She obviously needed this, so Kevin let her cry. He did not make faces or shift in his seat. He sat there as though he was patiently waiting for an answer to his question. Marie's upper body heaved violently as she sobbed. Kevin stayed calm and quiet. These were not histrionics. These tears were real and necessary. Kevin did not try to draw significance to this crying. Certainly, this was a significant act. He did not, however, try to discern the reason for the effusion of tears.

Marie did not try to speak. She let the tears flow out of her. She released all of the pain she held in for all this time. Twenty-two months of guilt and anger she never allowed herself to share with anyone leaked out of her eyes. She turned herself and laid on the couch. Her sobbing continued. After an unimaginable length of time, Marie spoke as she cried.

"Oh, God. Why? WHY?!? Oh, my God. Oh, why?"

"'Why' what, Marie?" asked Kevin.

Still crying, Marie said, "Why.... why did... Why.... Why did I live?"

Kevin's face did not show the surprise he felt. They had never covered survivor's guilt in previous sessions. He asked, "Don't you believe you deserve to live?"

"NO!!!" shouted Marie through her tears. "Trent was so good. He was so good. He was trying to protect me. He dropped like a brick. Why did I live? Why did I live? Why... Why did.... Why didn't I stop him?"

Kevin, seeking clarification, asked, "Why didn't you stop Trent from protecting you?"

"No," cried Marie. "Why didn't I stop him from getting out of the car?"

"I don't understand."

"I could have made him call AAA," sobbed Marie. "He didn't want to wait. I should have made him call and kissed him while we waited for help to arrive. Or... Or... or I c-could have made him take a different exit. We weren't out of gas. We just didn't have enough to make it to the city. We had enough to get off the Southern State and get on the Wantagh Parkway. We probably had enough to get on the Grand Central Parkway. We could have gone to a gas station that was closer to the exit. Why did I have to live?"

"You lived because you had skills Trent did not," said Kevin. He wanted to see what reaction that would provoke.

"No, I could have stopped it. If I was stronger, I could have gotten him to wait for a better exit. We would have been fine," said Marie.

"Why didn't Trent make the decision to wait?" asked Kevin. "Why couldn't Trent wait?"

"He was an asshole!" blurted out Marie through the tears. Her face felt hot. She couldn't believe she had just said that. She examined the ugly words that had just erupted from her tongue. Was it true? Was that entire nightmare of a night Trent's fault? She felt sadness, loneliness, and anger at the same time. She tried to explain to Kevin and herself what she'd just called her beloved late husband. "He couldn't see how vulnerable we were. He just plundered forward. What the fuck was wrong with him? We should have called AAA! We should have fucking called AAA and not have tried to change the flat ourselves. It's almost like he raped me..." It seemed as though Marie was going to say more but her voice trailed off.

Kevin asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well," said Marie, still crying but not as hard as she had been, "Once he set things in motion, things were leading up to my rape and I had no choice. I had no chance of stopping the train once he pulled it out of the station. He put me in that situation. Trent put me there. It wasn't me, it wasn't Frank. It wasn't the motherfuckers who raped me. It was Trent. Trent put me in that situation. There were so many other things we could have done but we did what he wanted, the dumb son of a bitch! That stupid dick could have been my first time if he would have shown a modicum of patience. Instead, my first time was six motherfuckers trying to fill every fucking hole I have. Why? Why couldn't I stop him?"

"You had no idea what would happen," said Kevin, "He had no idea."

"Maybe not, but he should have seen he was putting us in danger. He should have understood the consequences of impatience. And those mother... those motherfuckers thought they owned me. They thought they owned me because they popped my fucking cherry. Just like Trent thought he owned me because he was going to pop it. He put me there. He put me on that fucking street to be raped because he thought he owned me. I was stripped and fucking raped because that miserable dick thought I was his to order around. They raped me. They fucking raped me. They completely raped me. Holly and Jenn raped me..."

"Why do you say that Holly and Jenn raped you?" asked Kevin.

"I wasn't ready," said Marie. "I was so vulnerable and they took me. It was softer and safer and nicer than being raped at knifepoint on the street, but they fucking raped me. They threw me into this world of sex that I still didn't know about. I had sex once before they got to me. It was forced sex with six fucking partners but I was only one sexual experience removed from my virginity and they had me in a Sapphic three-way. What the fuck is that? Why couldn't I fucking stop them? Why couldn't I scratch their eyes out or tell them to keep their goddamn hands to themselves? They fucking raped me. My sister and my lawyer and they fucking raped me. Raped by a lawyer. Now she's a judge and I voted for her. My sister. My sister. I slept with my fucking sister. I fucked my sister's fiancé. I was ten feet from my sister and I fucked her fiancé. I don't even know if that was my choice. I just don't know if I would have chosen to have sex with any of the people I've fucked. I don't know. I think they all raped me. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know why I let them fuck me. It was so exciting and it felt good. I've cum so many times in so many ways. Oh, my God. I've become a slut. I just can't believe that none of this would be a part of my life if Trent had called AAA. Maybe it was me. I could have called. I could have taken his phone and called AAA. If we had called, everything would be different."

Kevin asked, "How would everything be different?"

"How?" asked Marie with incredulity. "I wouldn't be the Merry Widow! I'd be married. I wouldn't get fucked by my lawyer and my sister at the will reading. I would have lost my virginity to my husband and not a pack of animals. I wouldn't have slept with those college students or my co-workers. Dharmesh wouldn't hit on me because I'd have a ring on my left hand. I never would have dated him. I wouldn't be living with two horny lesbians. I wouldn't have had to have an abortion!"

Marie was silent after she released that final outburst. She had never mentioned the abortion to anyone.

"You had an abortion?"

"Yes, I had a fucking abortion!" shouted Marie. "I was raped! I wasn't going to keep that child; let it grow in me. I thought about putting it up for adoption, but that would mean I'd have to give birth to it. Those fucking motherfuckers knocked me up and I did not want to give birth to their spawn. I went to an abortion clinic in Nassau County and I had them take that horrible thing out of my body. I wanted to have kids. With Trent. I wanted to have at least two; maybe three. I had looked forward to having children and they fucking took that away from me, too!"

"You can't still have children?" asked Kevin.

"How could I enjoy them now? I've already killed one," said Marie, still softly sobbing. "I freaked out about having the baby of one of those six monsters and I ran to the abortion clinic. Then I threw myself at those Human Sexuality and Psychology students Jenn was bringing home."

Kevin asked, "Do you feel those students raped you, too?"

"What? No. No, I don't think so," said Marie. "I wasn't myself, I know. I would never have that much sex with so many people if Trent were alive, even if he turned out to be a swinger. That being said, I chose it. I told Jenn what type of person or persons I wanted next and she got them for me. No, the students had sex with me but they didn't rape me. I was in control."

Kevin asked, "Do you feel any time when you have sex, when you are not in control, that it's rape?"

"No," relied Marie. "I think you can have consensual uncontrolled sex. If you trust your partner or partners, you can."

"So how do you define rape?"

"Rape is sex without consent," Marie responded.

"You didn't consent to Jenn and Holly?" asked Kevin.

"How could I?" asked Marie. "I didn't really know what sex was. All I knew were cocks shoving into me. The only difference between my first sexual experience and my second was cocks became fingers, tongues and clits."

"Marie," Kevin said, "we're running out of time and you've opened up several points we need to discuss in detail. Meeting once a month is not going to cut it any longer. Are you available to meet at this time every Monday and Thursday?"

Marie thought for a moment and said, "Yes, I should be able to do that."

"Very good," he said. "I would also like you to consider becoming the co-facilitator for a support group that meets in the basement of the Methodist Church on Wellwood Avenue. They meet on the first and third Tuesday of every month."

Before she left, Marie made an important decision. She told it to Kevin. Kevin, for his part, said that the choice was hers to make but he could see the logic behind the decision.

After her counseling session, Marie drove back to the hospital. She did not go to the Med/Surg Unit. She went instead to see the DON.

Carol was still relatively new to the Director of Nursing job. She had been acting DON for third shift for years, but had only been in the big position for a few months. She eagerly ushered Marie into the office when the raven haired beauty knocked on the door. Marie looked around the office as she took the seat Carol indicated with a gesture. The office looked incomplete. There were things hanging on the walls and there was furniture, but the impression Marie got was that this project was not finished. Marie noted the leather chairs and the oak desk. The things that were in the office were meant to impress.

"Hello, Marie," said Carol. "How's Chloe doing? Is your family comfortable in her room on Med/Surg?"

"I think she's going to be fine," replied Marie. "My family is ok, but that's not why I'm here."

"Ok," said Carol. "Well, don't make me guess..." Carol shifted her weight. She was a large nurse who never ran for a code in her life. She was very good, however, at making decisions on the fly and making friends with important people.

"I need to leave the hospital," said Marie. "I can't unload my emotional baggage while I'm working here."

"Thank God you finally realize that!"

"Um, what?" asked Marie.

"Honey, I was on call on your wedding night," said Carol. "I was right here and instead of crying and letting yourself heal, you asked for a rape test. What the hell is wrong with you?"

Marie got defensive and said, "I was just..."

"You were putting on a brave face for your sister and the nurses here who look up to you," said Carol. "I know. The problem is, you had the brave mask on so long, you forgot you could take it off. Marie, for the love of God, I set you up in a treatment room we can close the door to so you could cry and what do you do? You order your rape test. Stop being brave and let yourself be a human being. Give me a second, here. I need to check something on the computer. Dum dee dum dee da, dum dee dum dee doo. Ah, here we go. You're scheduled to work this weekend and you have eleven personal days left. This is perfect."

"What's perfect?" asked Marie.

"You're going to take this pen and this sheet of paper," Carol said as she handed the objects to Marie, "and you are going to put your two weeks notice in writing. You are going to work tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday and then stop coming in. Your last official day will be two weeks from tomorrow, but I'm going to allow you to use up your personal days. Sunday will be your last actual day."

"Can you do that?" asked Marie.

Carol answered her question with a question. "Who am I?"

"You're the DON," Marie answered.

Carol replied, "You're damn right, I am! You give me a nice written two weeks notice, work three more days and you start doing things for yourself and stop worrying about other people for a little while. You got me?"

"I think so," said Marie tentatively.

"I don't want you to think so, I want you to get me. You got me?"

Marie said, "I got you."

"Good," said Carol. "Write out your notice."

"Why are you doing this for me?" asked Marie.

Carol responded, "I have a lot of reasons to do this. One, you're a damned good nurse who needs some time for herself. Two, I actually owe you one. You won't know this, but a while back one of the second year residents, Dr. Patel, complained to the Chief of Medicine that the nurses were being very professional to him but none of them would go out with him. The Chief of Medicine came to me to tell me what a great job I'm doing with my nurses. It got me a dinner with the President and CEO. I found out you were the ringleader on that one. So, this is a thank you. Three, and this is none of your business, but when I was nineteen I was raped during a blind date. I'm giving you my card before you walk out that door. If you ever need anyone to talk to, my cell number is on there. Oh, and I'm going to treat this like you're joining the military."

"Um," said Marie, "you're going to what?"

"Don't you know this?" asked Carol. "If you quit a job to join the military, after you've served your country, if you apply for work with the same employer they are required by Federal law to rehire you at the position and pay rate you would have had if you never quit. As far as I'm concerned, you're in the Air Force. You take as long as you need to get your shit together. If you stay away long enough, maybe I'll hire you back as my ADON. Anyway, do you have your two weeks notice all written out?"

"Yes."

"Let me see," said Carol. Marie handed back the sheet of paper and Carol hummed quietly as she read it. Finally, Carol said, "Good, very good. This is exactly what I needed. Ok, kid. Three more days of work and then you can do what you need to do for yourself. Did you want me to bring in a cake on Sunday at the end of your shift?"

"No," said Marie. "Thank you. I think I want to keep this quiet."

"Suit yourself," said Carol. "All right, get out of my office. I'm very busy and important."

"Thanks, Carol."

"Thank you! Take care of yourself out there, Marie." Carol said.

Marie did not go directly up to Chloe's room. She went out to the parking lot and made a few phone calls. Marie was planning out her life and it took several phone calls to arrange everything the way she needed it. When Marie finished her business, she went up to Chloe's room. Chloe and Jenn were the only people left in the room.

"Hey, Ree," said Chloe. "How was therapy this month?"

"It was one hell of a session," Marie said. "A lot of things came out; mostly my tears. I came to a lot of conclusions. Some of them may actually be true. I need some time to think about everything. I quit my job."

"You did what?" asked Jenn.

"Well, it's not like we need the money," said Marie. There was some anger in her voice; Chloe heard it.

"Are you ok, Ree?" she asked.

Marie replied calmly, "I'm not sure. I have a lot to think about. I spoke to Carol. I'm working the next three days and then I'm quitting. I'm moving into Tarabella for a little while. I just need some space. I have some staff, there, to attend to me and the house. I made some arrangements at home. The contractors will be done Saturday; Tuesday at the latest, so we'll say Tuesday. You should be discharged in a week or so after the pins and the casts are done and everything looks ok. I arranged to have a Physical Therapist live at the house for one month once you get back there. She's going to get you up and walking before you know it. I'll come back home when I can. I just can't be there right now."