The Hardest Part

To you who have read my stories many times, and felt touched enough to say something with no name, you know who you are my Pirate Queen. Perhaps it is time for bravery on your part and just speak your mind as I speak my heart every time to you. I apologize for the weird style...too much Spartacus I think.

*

The shock of what he saw hit like a sledgehammer to the heart. It had been almost four years since he had seen the face staring back at him. The hurricane of emotions swirled around inside causing a shockwave of confusion, love, doubt, forgiveness, and rage. A double check to make sure what had been seen was what was really seen was required. No lies, no falsehoods, no mirages. It was in fact her face.

There must be some mistake, some inner working that had caused a malfunction for the website, for this...this could not be real. Gazing again at the picture he saw her picture, true to form as it had been four years ago. Sure she, her actual self, would have changed in that time, all people do. But it was still that same picture, that same look, those same eyes. In a flash he was transported back to the first time he saw that picture.

It was January, cold was settled around the small Iowa town. The snow and ice matched his feelings towards women, but as spring would tell you thawing begins somewhere, sometime. The endless faces scrolled by on a popular website as each passing girl did nothing to strike up hunger. The further the search engine went out, the more hopeless all this really felt. No one in a 25 mile radius. Move out further to find even more women with possibly less appeal, and lacking even more of that burning desire to write something clever. 100 miles and yet no one even blinks his eye. 150 miles now, the Mojave Desert offers more viable options than this pack of wiggling hens. 200 miles, head pounds against the wall crying out to the good Lord above. Why must this be so hard?

The impossible happens at 250 miles. A girl with eyes of the warmest waters appears. Her lips scream to be kissed and possibly nibbled on. The reading begins of her profile, and soon his hunger turns up. The love of God, the answers so right, and a 96% match, how can this be? But she is so far away, how could this be the one, and make it work? Deliberation must take place before any message could be sent.

Four days later he looks at the screen again, and then a few days after that. Weeks go by still no answer, but finally the wretched holiday about love and all of that non-sense comes about. It is time to end this. Of course he has seen her face at least a thousand times by now. Clever and witty was the name of the game, and soon an email was sent. The nerves and excitement rose up like a child waiting for Christmas day, would he get what he wanted? What would she be like? Did he have to pee? Oh the waiting was unbearable.

Finally a response came from her, and spirits soared through the air as though eagles were carrying them as weightless passengers. As soon as it began, their conversations flowed with promise and easiness. There wouldn't be a moment gone by where he did not yearn to hear from her. The hours at work passed with such sluggish abandon at times he considered leaving his job just to hear her voice.

Then came the first face to face interaction. The four hour drive felt like it crawled by, but such was his nerves he missed the town completely and then had to turn around. He cursed his own stupidity and drove back to her town, her voice guiding him all the way. As he sat waiting in the car for her to arrive, vomit threated to emerge. Somehow, mostly prayer, he managed not to allow it.

Movement came from behind him and suddenly a black car was beside him as though an orca had effortlessly snuck up on him to dine, if they ate humans that is. Grabbing his gift for her he climbed out of the car and instantly swam in those eyes he had dreamt of. Her radiance could not be matched even by the overcast skies. Golden hair shined as if the heavens themselves lived there on her head. The urge to take her into his arms and kiss her right then was there, but a call for manners and respect was in order. Laughter later erupted when they exchanged gifts and saw that they had in fact brought the same exact thing for each other, a bag of pirate booty. Despite her almost dying on him at dinner, this date would go down for him as one of the most memorable moments of his life. The cuddle they shared after bowling at the bowling alley would never be forgotten. Water cups from that day still lived at his house.

He shook his head as the memories rushed through like a herd of thundering animals. It was almost too much to bear. No, it was in fact too much to bear. Legs almost failed him as he stood to walk away from the table and climbed on the area that was designated for sleeping. The floor greeted him with its blanket clad firmness. Emotions ran though him too fast to even grasp what they were. Eyes climbed to the ceiling as they gazed beyond that to the God that was supposed to be high above.

"It has been three years since she left. Why now do you tease me? Why now do you dangle the carrot before the ass? What point are you trying to make? You have already crushed me under your sandal, why now torment me more? There must be a purpose and a reason for all of this. I ask you for answers as a way of mercy. Do not torture me with time and silence as you have with her before. Three times before this day I have written her, with the only response being chilling coldness of lack of feeling. I must know why you are now doing this to me."

Sleep tried invading but thoughts of heartbreak and loneliness filled him. The smell of her freshly washed hair invaded his memories as arm reached out for missing warmth of body. Leg cried out for the curvy hip that it used to rest on as they both drifted away, pulling maiden as close as possible to him. The soul missed her so, the heart was fortified behind layers of hardened emotion, yet burned still for her. But the brain was leery and began to fill itself with anger, doubt, even hate. His ponderings continued on fighting until finally the soldiers of Sandman slid in silently and wore him down, and dream away was the only option. Damn it, she had invaded those too for these years. Desire filled those dreams as face of passion became clear, as did cries of passion. He hated himself for not killing those feelings, and loved that he could not relinquish such wonderful times. The war was strong.

Two days went by but the curiousness had not diminished. It became a driving force in him, one that would not be quenched. Some would say madness had crept in. insanity was close, and steps needed taken. There seemed as if there was only one course of action- acquire women's point of view.

"Wedge," the first began. "I love you really I do, but let's be honest. You were dating way up when you were with her. Let's be real for a moment. Her job has way more prestige and income than yours ever will. I know you loved her, and I know to you money doesn't mean as much. But to her, she wanted to be yoked with someone who can match her income and not bring her down. I think you're amazing, really I do. You are one of my favorite people in this planet. But you have to see she needed more from a guy than you had to give. A house to give, children to plentifully feed, sex to have with abandon. Girls crave security, you crave love. There are sadly not the same."

Her honesty is something he had always respected even if it felt like a kick to the groin a hundred times but each Rockette. Painfully body was drug away from the diner, healing must begin. However hers was not the only opinion to be sought.

"Wedge, I know you care about her even after three years. But this isn't healthy. She moved on, maybe. I get why your confused about this but honestly what good is going to come of this? Move on and find some ok girl to settle for." She might have been kidding but the truth was there. Sadly settling was something that was never thought of. The qualities he searched for numbered 134, 112 must be met. No surrender, no retreat on this point. On to number three

"Bye" was all she said. When pushed for more meaning her reply cam as this. "Bye". Still further pushing, finally the walls caved. "I have read your book, I edited your book. In some ways I see things about you, you don't even see. I know you loved her, and sadly you still do because she is the measuring stick by which the others have been gaged. But she destroyed you for what reason? Money? Housing? Does that really sound like love to you? You said it in your book it felt like a very one sided affair. You were clearly invested deeper than she was. Don't forget that and get sucked into the ex-web. Just say Bye..."

Hours later he sat in front of the very computer he used to meet her. The war still raged on inside of him. He looked at her photo, no he was glued to it. The blue eyes piercing his very soul. He remembered swimming in those eyes. Now they were more apt to pierce his heart with icy fingers to call in death than to allow love to live. The kisses he placed on those lips came back to shake their knowing in his mind. He loved kissing her. He loved her like no one ever before, and since. The soul mate had been found, and lost over mistakes made before she even existed in the world of him.

To the side was their matching percent...99%. It had been a 96% when she ended things. Three years, three percent closer to each other with four states between them. The distance seemed so great and yet small. As fate had had it, he had actually been in her town on business and admittedly reached out to her via social media. Coffee he had offered, silence had been her response. Lake Erie would have been much different with a partner.

Then began the war to a new level. Memories added their soldiers to each side of the fight. One moment the vision of her smile, the next her engagement ring at the bottom of the river. The negative came back with the image of her name removed from his homepage and not by his doing. The answer from the positives was spending time with her and her family at her graduation. He pushed his long locks away from his face as he pondered what to do. Should he message her, or not? What should he say? Did she deserve his words? He needed to be working on his projects but his focus had been stolen by his queen, even if he felt betrayed by her.

Then the unfair thoughts crossed his mind. His perfect day with any woman ever. Eyes closed as they began to show their movie in his head. Pictures that were unwanted were suddenly before eyes of disillusionment. Hands came to face suddenly trying to make them stop. Denial was denied, as were the tears that began to fall.

Snow had been forecast for the upcoming drive. Hopefully it would not dispel his plans, for there were things that were burning to get out. If they didn't, death may come. Feelings felt on the Monday before and had to be fought down from coming out. Every day after that the fight raged on as well. This was different. Never before had such care been given to those particular emotions. Nervous let loose and sweat began. The moment had to be perfect, face to face, dim lighting, tears. The NCAA tournament was his friend. The games kept his mind off of the thoughts and emotions running through the body at uncontrollable speed. She was already at the hotel, which made the task of waiting so much harder. On the hotel bed, words came forth. Fear crept into heart and mind, but so did the knowing of absolute certainty the feelings were real, truthful. Never before had been more so now, than with anyone ever.

The speech was lost in trying to capture the words, slippery devils they were. Practice had taken most of a weeks' time with many fake queens hearing the speech so words would flow easily. As if disaster was impending, all came rushing out as if spat by a geyser. The elegance had been lost. Had love, true love, ever been declared so quickly? A bowing of a head, which at first was taken as a sign of humbleness, later would mean thinking when in a tough spot. Soon eyes locked, small speech was given and the love re-declared. This was not the perfect day, but the perfect lead into.

Snow did come. In waves and waves it pelted the earth blanketing in a cold fluff that is lethal and beautiful at the same time. A short shopping venture and they were huddled in her apartment to whether the remains of the storm. Pirates on the television and a girl napping next to him, slightly in his arms and contentment ruled his heart. He looked out through her massive glass doors leading to the balcony and saw the majestic white fields behind. Admittedly lustful thoughts filled loving heart and fantasies formed. Her naked body pressed against cold glass gave rise to other parts. Would she present herself this way? Would he ever come home to find her nude in the living room, waiting for king to take queen as he wished? Eyes cast sideways to check on sleeping form. She was asleep, and to rush this would be insanity in its highest form. Wait until marriage if need be, but the boundary of her would be kept pure until willingly relented.

Darkness crept in, as did hunger. He wished for nothing more than to please her, and so dinner was made by male hand. One side was disappointed by the effort with the softer side remarked that if one ever wished to steal another's heart, all one would have to do is cook and she would be his for life. A kiss landed on unsuspecting lips.

Soon another and another. She laid him down on the floor and looked at him. Kisses found his lips, hunger coming from both. Soon the kisses found his neck. Electricity and fire lit him up and unavoidable sound escaped from deep inside. Soon shirt was pushed as side as her lips found warm flesh. Kisses were combined with sweet nips traveled over neck and chest, stopping occasionally to suck on male nubs. Hands tried to pull her back to his mouth, but refusal came. As did a playful smile and wink. The kiss on the belly set desire into full flame. Lips lingered there while hands pulled on the strings of the garment keeping the treasure hidden. Soon the garments struggle was lost and flesh was exposed to curious eyes. Praying his size would not disappoint he looked down at her. Again a look and a smile, more sinister and thoughtful. Warm hand touched throbbing part and delight shot though his eyes first, then hers. Her head turned and was lost to the golden waterfall of her hair. Hot and wet sensation of mouth covering protruding parts caused uncontrollable movements, forcing back to arch and breath to catch. The sensation was over powering as he tried to remove her from him so as to make this about them, not him. A hand on chest pushed him back down. A sideways glance was given, tongue licked tip, and face was lost again. No more would he struggle. Her mouth was heaven, her intention bonding. Not in a long while had someone desired to make this about him, and him only.

Her bobbing made him slick, and the sensations were delightful. Her grabbed her hair and was met by a moan of her own. Her hand slid around him as her mouth glided effortlessly down and back on his shaft. Soon her eyes locked with his, a wink was given as permission to release. She picked up her fervor and pace, and it was unavoidable. Her hand grasped him and her mouth held him and soon passion and desire erupted into the hungry mouth of a waiting maiden. The cries of desire were belted without care, and soon all energy was drained. A drink of water and two bodies were nestled into one place.

A few hours later bed approached. One step before that must be cleansing. They both agreed to shower, and soon her body was revealed to him for the first time. Eyes drank in the vision of female form before him. Mouth watered at the prospect of tasting the fruits of her. Her hips firm and curved, breast hanging, almost pleading for attention. Legs of milky white, and a rump of solid use felt wonderful in full hands. A wet body so soft wars would have been raged over it. He would have fought knights, goblins, demons and whatever else rose up to try and taker her away. Blessed was the feeling in that moment. She was his.

As darkness covered the room, soft bed laid under them. Permission given to sample all of her, but not to take her totally. Her back was to him and soon fingers traced it. The softness of her was never too be compared again. No one would emerge victorious in that encounter. Male lips left soft kisses in a trail around her neck, and shoulders. Arms moved to side so straps could be lowered. Soon the entire veil removed from her back, leaving her in just that which covers the gift. Deliberation of slowness was the game as savoring the moment was the aim. Kisses on soft flesh, sounds escaping, hands holding hands as exploration continued.

Soon she was rolled, and revealed. His kiss was fierce and hungry, hers matched. It took everything to move to her neck, for her lips were melted to his in such a way no desire to stop was ever given. The neck tasted of lust, and desire. There was a pureness to it though that flowed through, almost virginal. Vampires howled in jealousy in that moment. Collarbone could not be left alone as nips and kisses found their way around. Soon the tenderness of each breast was within reach. Time was taken to savor each place. The top, the rounded side, the bottom was sucked on before moving to the valley to elicit response. The same process re-enacted on the other side. Body sifted under heavyweight as excitement reached a good simmer. Desire fueled the movements, hunger pushed her globes higher towards him. A locking of the eyes before one hardened bud was devoured. Hands flew to the back of head pulling him deeper. The hunger was almost savage, nether cared. Soon the other bud was then taken, and when fulfilled the movement began down. The vulnerable flesh of her belly was delicious, as were the rounds of her hips. He half rolled her and bit her squarely on her rump. Surprise and pleasure washed over her face, for that feeling was all too foreign. Tongue traveled along the hip to the thigh, up to the knee, bit the calf, and the jumped over to the other leg. The build-up was excruciating for both. Soon it looked at him. The soft curls of flesh that he desired was before him. A lap of the tongue sent shivers up spine, and registered in mind. Back came alive as hands found head yet again. The taste was of honey, and he greedily lapped at it. The button was stimulated, and soon lips parted on their own accord. Fingers found their way into the gift, and breath was caught again. Through this act love was emptied into her. Each lip found its way into hungry mouth to be sucked clean, then the other. Soon fingers created friction on the inner button and body writhed. Wave after wave of pleasure rode inside the gift and soon there was nowhere to go but crashing into ecstasy. Fingers dug into hair and pulled face closer, once- twice- even a third time. She was spent. Sleeping next to her felt as if he belonged.

He looked at the time. Literally three minutes passed as mind raced. Fingers ran through full beard, then through long locks again. She had been the one he was sure of it. The moment he knew flashed through his mind. It was absolute certainty. They were in the kitchen with both read each-others thoughts. Never had a bond been so strong in life. Not his anyway. A telling moment of hearts desire not be apart from her.

But life, and possibly God, are cruel. She left and he changed. A friend compared movement to Shrek and James Bond. After confusion it was explained.

"You know Wedge it's like this. You have these layers like Shrek. You're not the cutest and outwardly you're rough and mean. But every now and then, if you watch closely, this amazing heart you have can't help but show itself. It's like you love everyone, you just don't want anyone to know you do. As far as James Bond, well you have many walls and defenses. You give away information that people think is sacred to you, but it turns out really isn't. Just when we think we are getting close to you, you shut the door and change direction. No one can hurt you, but you are really hard to love. " There was no point in denying the claims. Hardened the heart had become.