The Heart Wants Ch. 14-17

Chapter 14

I woke to the sound of typing.

She wasn't being loud about it, not trying to be obnoxious, it was just the soft clicky-clack of the keys of her keyboard as she fired off whatever she was writing. She had the same tendency I did however, to hit the end of a sentence harder, giving the keyboard a nice, soft whack every time. Just some unconscious little quirk...

At least that's what I assumed as I lay there on my side watching Rachel, a little smile on my face as I watched her.

She was sitting there in the little hotel room chair at the little table that passed for a desk in the room. She had on my shirt, the one I had worn yesterday, and no bottoms. Her hair was styled up, held in place with what looked like a pen, pinned in place to keep it out of her eyes. Her legs were bundled up beneath her in the chair.

As I watched her, her head tilting.

She must have sensed me watching her as she turned back to me a smile lighting up her face, "Morning sleepy head."

I smiled at her, stretching a little as I tried to get my body to finally wrap itself around the idea of getting my ass out of bed, "What time is it?"

She smiled wider, "Six-thirty."

I held my hands up, "Oh shit. Didn't know I was just shitting the whole day away over here..." I told her, my words dripping with sarcasm.

She bounced her eyebrows, "I'm glad you're up, I would really love to make coffee!"

I gave her a little half smirk, "Have at it."

She bounced up, getting the little hotel coffeemaker going. I watched her back as she worked, letting my head drop back into the pillow. Practically galloping she bounced over, dropping onto the bed next to me.

Leaning in, she kissed me lightly, "Thanks for last night."

I put my hand on her hip, "I think that you've got it backwards. Isn't the guy supposed to thank the girl for getting laid?"

The smile fled her face and I saw for just a split second her mask slipped, revealing an empty sadness that she mostly was successful in smashing down...

"I meant..." She took a deep breath and rolled her eyes, "I meant thank you for being with me. For setting my stupid thinking straight."

Her hand flitted over to my chest, her fingers drumming lightly on me. She liked her lips and gave me a quirky half smile. "Thank you for not just using me while you fantasized about someone else."

I slid up, forcing myself to sit up, pulling the covers up with me to keep my nakedness covered. All I could do was shake my head at her, "This is probably going to ruin your perception of my gentlemanly perception of my chivalrousness, but I think it's basic human decency to actually think about the person you're having sex with..."

A pang of guilt slammed into me as the words left my mouth, and I found myself looking down...

She took my hand, "Hey, what's wrong..."

I looked at her, trying to sort through what I was thinking, what I was feeling. To buy myself some time I scratched in back of my ear...

"Look... I... uh..." I stammered, forcing myself to look into her eyes, "I need to be... um... honest with you."

She slid closer to me, "It's okay. I understand."

I shook my head, "Look, I... I care about you, but I don't..."

She smiled at me, "You don't love me?"

As she said it I felt something twist in my chest, something that felt dangerously close to love...

I took a breath, pushing it out slowly. "I was going to say that... but... look. I don't understand what I'm feeling right now, I just know that it feels... weird. I think I'm starting to fall in love with you... it's just that... it's like I love you, but I love Laurel... more?"

I expected her to be mad at me, or at least offended, but instead she smiled, "I get it. I feel the same way..."

I shook my head, trying to understand what I was feeling, trying to make it all make sense, "This is all so complicated." I told her, no longer able to hold her gaze...

She reached over and gently put a finger under my chin her nail gently scratching against my skin, "Hey... I want you to know... I..." she stopped herself, taking a deep breath, "I don't know..."

My mind finally locked in on something and I took it and ran with it, "I don't think it's a good idea for us to sleep together anymore..."

Her eyes went wide and her head snapped back as she was clearly surprised, "Wait, what?"

I took a deep breath, trying to force myself to say it, "Look. I'm... I'm starting to feel... stuff for you." I met her eyes, "And I can't... I don't think I could share you, not without being jealous about that..."

She raised her eyebrows, "Like you mean with Laurel, or with... other men?"

I shook my head, "I know the deal with Laurel and I know it should bother me, but that doesn't. If you were with other men though..."

She slid closer to me, "Look, I'm just going to say it. I'm falling for you and last night showed me something. I can see what I was looking for this whole time. I wasn't looking for men to be with... I was looking for a man... just one man. I could just be with you... or..." she shrugged, "or just with you and Laurel..."

I shook my head at her, my heart singing a little, "I don't want you to do that. I don't want you to give up something that's important to you, not for me."

She slid closer, "I'm not giving up anything. I don't mind giving up being with other men, not if it means I can have you in my life."

I looked at her, "And if I wanted you to give up Laurel for me?"

She tilted her head and raised her eyebrows at me, "That would be a hard no."

I smiled at her, "That's good. I feel the same way. I just... I just wanted to make sure you were being honest with yourself."

She smiled at me as she reached out and ran her fingers across my forehead, brushing my unruly hair away from my face. "Can you live with that?"

I grabbed her face and pulled her over, kissing her.

She pulled back from me after a good, long, satisfying kiss, smiling at me, "So that's a yes?"

I smiled, nodding, "On one condition?"

She raised her eyebrows, "Maybe."

I looked down again, feeling like what I was about to say was stupid... "Don't tell Laurel about last night?"

There was a flash of anger across her face, just for the briefest of moments and panicking I stammered on, "I don't mean forever... just until..."

I gave her a nervous smile, "Until I get home... and then I'll tell her..."

She smiled at me, shaking her head at me, "You're really twisted up about this aren't you?"

I felt my heart twist as I thought about the risk of Laurel and how she might react to me... "I just want... I mean... if she's going to lose it on anyone I want it to be me..."

She shook her head at me, "She's not going to be mad at you."

I shrugged, "I still feel guilty. Like I screwed up. I know she told me it's okay... but... I don't know. I feel like it's a trap."

She took my hands, "If it's important to you, you can tell her."

I nibbled at my lip nervously, "I just... if she's going to be mad... I want her to be mad at me... I don't want to come between the two of you. At least this way, if she loses it on me, I can give you a heads up."

She grabbed my nose and lightly shook my head, "She won't be mad. That's not her style. Laurel will never set a trap for you."

I smiled at her... "I guess we'll see about that..."

She poked me in the chest, "So who's dick do I have to suck to get you to take this security consulting job?"

Smiling at her, "I guess mine..." I paused a moment, "I mean now wouldn't hurt your chances..."

She rolled her eyes, "Keep in your pants... we don't have time to play right now..."

I lifted the blankets off of myself, bouncing my eyebrows at her, "Doesn't look like I'm wearing pants..."

She slapped me on the forehead lightly, "Don't be a smart ass. I'm serious. This is a really good opportunity for you, you should really think about it."

I shrugged, trying to get my mind wrapped around what she was asking me. Just thinking about it, about the level of responsibility that I was being asked to take on sent a spike of anxiety through me... "Rachel... I'm not sure I can do it. Right now, your company is set. You're set. If I take this on and fuck it up..."

She leaned closer, "Okay. That's fair, but let me ask you, is it that you don't think you can do it, or is it that your worried about fucking up?"

I mulled it over in my mind, "Without looking at the entire network architecture it's hard to tell. I know that right now I could get inside their network and do a hell of a lot of damage pretty quickly but I really don't know the entire scope of the security processes in place." Shaking my head, I continued, "There's no way I can fix it all myself. Right now, they need a company to take over what their current company is doing."

She chewed on the inside of her lip, "So what about a compromise? Right now, they need someone to identify the problems and help them pick a new company to handle their cyber security. They trust you right now, and if you help them they can get the problem figured out. At least meet with them?"

I took a breath, my mind starting to race ahead furiously, "Rachel, I don't know that I have the time to do this, not with school. I mean, a lot of it I can do remotely, if they'll give me remote access to the servers but some of it I will need to be onsite for."

Her lip curled up in a half grin, "So meet with them and be honest. Tell them what you can or can't do for them. We'll spin it that ZZ&G will bill you out to them. Make it kind of a package deal. If they aren't comfortable with the time you can commit to them, they can pass. If they are, they can go ahead with it. Their choice. I know you won't make commitments that you can't keep and if they're comfortable with what you can deliver than you at least buy them some time. Maybe the deal is choice enough that you can buy yourself a couple of months on the project, until school slows down a bit and then go to town on it?"

I met her eyes, "Why is this so important to you?"

She smiled, a smile filled with warm compassion, with happiness, "Because it will make my company look good. When you do a great job, and I know you will, it will make me look good..." she paused, "and... well, I'm going to be stuck here for weeks on end and if you were working on it with me you could come and spread my legs every once in a while..."

I looked at her, mulling it over. Not the spreading her legs part, that was a no brainer, I was totally down for that...

It seemed to make sense...

She held up a finger... "One second, before you make up your mind..."

She ran over, grabbing her laptop off the desk and bringing it back to the bed, "This is what Damon says they'll bill you out for... You'll get seventy five percent..."

I felt my eyes go wide at the number she showed me... "Okay... looks like I'm taking a meeting today..."

Chapter 15

I got off the plane, my head still spinner about the fact that I had taken the fucking job I had been offered...

There was so much that needed done...

Walking through the hangar of the private jet company all those thoughts slid from my mind as I realized, Laurel would be waiting for me. Waiting for me to take me home...

Stepping out thorough the front door I looked up at the overcast sky, the threat of rain on the horizon. Looking around the parking lot I looked for her... and there she was. My Laurel...

She was leaning against her car, her arms folded over a t-shirt that showed her off. I went to her and about ten steps out she pushed away from the car, running and diving into my arms. She kissed me and that was the final thing I needed to drive every last worry from my mind.

That peace of mind lasted right up until our lips parted, and the newest set of worries pressed themselves close...

I felt my face fall feeling the worry slam into my mind.

Was she going to be angry? Yes.

How angry was she going to be? She was going to be pissed.

Would she forgive me? No.

Was she going to leave me? Was she going to tell me to get the fuck out of her life?

The thought of all these worries...

"Hey... what's wrong?" Her voice was soothing, full of life and kindness.

Part of me felt worse for that. For having fucked up with someone so fucking perfect...

I realized my eyes weren't on hers, realized I was staring at my chest, watching her fingers tangled in my dress shirt, feeling her as she pulled at me, as she played with my shirt in something like a nervous tic.

I forced my eyes up to hers, "I think I might have fucked up..."

She tilted her head, worry creasing her features, "How?"

I forced myself to take a deep breath, forced myself to tell her... "I slept with Rachel..." I paused, buying a moment to think before I realized I needed to be perfectly honest, "Twice."

There was a split second, just a flash of emotion, and then her face split in a smile, "Don't be silly. You didn't fuck up. I knew you and her were going to... you know... while you were there together..."

There was a moment, just a split second when I felt like I had let her down, just something in her tone that made me worry...

She smiled again, this time more brightly than before, "Was it fun?"

I felt a surge of anger...

Did she care so little?

I knew a part of me should be absolutely grateful that she wasn't furious with me but the way she just brushed it off...

It made me feel like she didn't even care.

My teeth ground as I thought about it...

"Are you mad at me?" Her voice brought me back around, forced me to look at her face, forced me to see the worry on her face.

"No." I lied, buying myself time, buying me the opportunity to push the anger down. My eyes flitted back and forth between hers as I felt the hurt and anger build in me. Finally, all I could do was shake my head, "Yes."

Anger crowded into her features, "What the fuck do you have to be mad at me about?"

And just like that, it was like someone pulled the plug on my anger, letting it fall from the tub in my mind, leaving nothing but sorrow and hurt. Just the knowledge that she didn't care...

"Whatever," I muttered, turning from her. I started stomping away.

"Hey!" Her voice was filled with worry and surprise, "Where are you going?"

I shook my head as I walked, "I'm walking home."

"Are you fucking kidding me? It's like ten miles to your house!"

"Then I'll have plenty of time to think." I muttered, not intending to be a dick but still wrapped up in my own worries. "I need a time to think..."

She ran passed me, turning and shoving me back, "Hey! I'm talking to you! Fucking talk to me! I don't even know what you're mad at me about!"

I looked at her, seeing her perfect, beautiful face...

I shook my head, "You don't care..."

She was obviously surprised, "What do you mean I don't care?"

I felt the energy drain from me, felt the hope that I had felt just this moment drift away, "Don't you see?"

She shook her head, "See?"

My eyes wanted to start tearing up, but I forced them to stop, "I fucking love you!"

Her head snapped back like I had slapped her...

"I'm fucking crazy about you, and you don't even care that I slept with another girl. It's like it's a joke to you..."

I knew it was hypocritical to say. Knew I was an asshole for even bringing it up.

"I don't know if I can do this..." I muttered.

I saw the anger a split second before she pushed me again, this time she screamed at me, "Don't know if you can do this? You think this is fucking easy for me? You think I don't care?"

My mind started reeling as the tears started falling from her eyes, "You know what the fuck all of this is doing to me?"

She pushed me again, "Three months ago I knew who I was. Before I met you, I had it figured out. And then, you just smash into my life and you're so fucking perfect I can't even figure out what the hell I'm doing any more! You think it was easy to figure out I liked girls? You think it was any easier to look at you and doubt every fucking decision I had made? Like I had just been some fucking idiot that gave up before I found the right man!"

She pushed me again, this time, less a push than her just hitting me, her anger causing her to lash out, "You think I don't care that you slept with Rachel?" the anger on her face grew as her anger built, "You want to know how I feel about it? I'm fucking jealous!"

She took a step closer to me, "And I'm pissed at myself for that. I'm pissed that I don't have any right to be jealous of you and her having sex. For fucks sake, I'm fucking both of you too!"

She stepped even closer, her voice dropping to a near whisper, "And I fucking love you too..."

Her head shook, "And that's the hardest part... because I'm so confused... I can't even figure out who I love more... you... or Rachel..."

My heart melted as I realized how selfish I was being. How self-absorbed I had become. How had I not realized how messed up for her this whole thing was? How I had become so self-centered that I had never even considered that..."

She looked up at me, her face a mask of pain and worry, "Are you leaving me?"

All I could do was pull her in tight and try to hug her worries away... "I'm sorry..." I told her, shaking my head, "I..." all I could do was sigh, "I didn't think."

I let her pull away from me, let her look at me and my heart sang to see the love on her face...

"Will you just come home with me?" she asked, her voice filled with trembling, "Just come home with me. We can talk, we can figure this out. Just give me that chance?"

Pulling her back in I wrapped my arms around her, while she wrapped hers around me. We stood there, together, while the rain started to pour down...

Chapter 16

After a quick stop at my place to allow me to pick up some things, Laurel took me back to her place. We chatted, us mostly keeping the topic away from what we really wanted to talk about...

Somehow, we managed, together, to decide to just avoid the topic.

We made dinner together, jambalaya, filled with carrots, celery, chicken and spicy andouille sausage. I could tell that she had picked up the ingredients specifically for us to have a special meal together and felt like a complete asshole for having goaded her into a fight. As I stood at the counter, slicing carrots and celery, while she stood apart from me, cutting up the chicken and the sausage I really thought about what we had. The whole time I snuck quick, furtive glances at her, marveling at her grace, watching as she would stop every few seconds and push her glasses up her nose, as she bounced her little head around at a song only she could hear.

I realized how stupid I had been to push her away like that.

Setting the knife down suddenly, I walked around the kitchen island and wrapped her in my arms...

She put her head on my chest, wrapping her hands in my shirt once again. I kissed her head, enjoying the feeling of her hair against my nose, the feel of her pressed against my body. Not the sensual, sexual feeling of her pressed against me, just the wonderful, warming sensation of having the woman that I loved in my arms.

I closed my eyes as I lay my head against hers, "I'm sorry... I'm such a fool."

Her head shook against mine, "No you're not. This is new to all of us, and all of us are trying to figure out how it works. Like you said, it's complicated. We need to be patient with each other... or..." she took a deep breath, "or at least we need to if we're not going to give up on each other..."

I pulled her tighter, "I'm not giving up."

She pushed away from me so that she could look up at me, her face twisting, her eyes filling once again with tears, tears that I had put there...

A smile found its way through all of that pain and worry, "I don't want you to give up on me. Please don't give up on me..."