The Human Condition Ch. 07

Even the session with Kevin's therapist friend had gone pretty well. Oh, she'd said we should probably meet again, but I didn't think I needed it. If I was okay, then why did I need to keep raking it up? Besides, the one sore point in the session had been her insistence that I tell my family. No way-why upset them? There was nothing they could do, and I was eager to just forget about the whole thing. So I wasn't anxious to go back to Ms. Doctor Not if she was going to keep bringing this up.

"Are you sure?" Joe's question brought me back to the present.

I nodded. "Absolutely. I'm fine. Really."

"That's good, then. Real good."

He started to knead my scalp and I couldn't help but murmur in contentment as my body swayed in time to his movements.

"Your hair is really thick. I didn't realize that."

"Mmmmm," I closed my eyes and wallowed.

"You know..." he cleared his throat. "You know, when I saw you that day, hanging there, your hair covering your face. I... I thought you were dead."

"Oh Joe..."

"Let me finish. I need to say this. I thought I'd lost you," He hesitated, then went on softly. "I wanted to kill Elliot."

I opened my eyes and looked at him. He was dead serious. There was no mistaking the commitment on his face. It was there in the set of his jaw and the pulse on the side of his neck.

"I would have, too," he said, confirming what I believed. "There would have been no way anyone could have stopped me."

I started to speak, then thought better of it and let him continue.

"Even when you moved and I knew you were still alive, part of me wanted to go over to him and make him hurt as bad as he'd done you."

"Abdul beat you to it," I whispered.

"No. I chose to go to you. Helping you was more important than hurting him. You are more important than..." He trailed off and we stared at one another.

His hands were quiet again, but they were warm on my head as they rested in the cool lather. My mouth was dry and I licked my lips and I watched as Joe took in the movement with hot eyes. When he started to speak again his voice was so low I could barely hear him. But the words burned into my brain.

"I didn't say anything to Betsy about moving."

I nodded. "I figured that out when she told me you were planning on living here."

"I couldn't go through with it. I wanted to, but I couldn't."

The time had come. For three years I had loved Joe with all my heart, and now I needed to know how he felt about me. Maybe I was reading this all wrong, maybe not, but I needed to know.

I looked him right in the eye. "Why?" I asked.

One word held our future. Joe looked at me and froze. I wondered if I looked as scared as he did. There was no sound in the room except a steady drip from the tap in the sink that I hadn't had the strength to close tightly. I barely heard it over the pounding of my heart.

Joe finally moved his hand. Down it slid to my cheek leaving a trail of suds that probably tickled as it slid down my neck. I didn't notice. He cupped my jaw with his strong warm fingers. They were trembling. I twisted my head until I could reach his palm with my lips. When I kissed him there, he sighed.

"OH GOD!"

Joe and I sprang apart, my sore muscles clamping down at the sudden movement. Joe was staring behind me, his face looking wild and horrified. I didn't have to turn to know who he was looking at, but I did anyway.

Betsy stood rigid in the doorway, her hands clenched into two tight fists. Her eyes were on Joe, the shock in them easy to see. When she realized I was looking at her, the expression changed to hatred.

"It all makes sense," she hissed. "Finally, it all makes sense."

"Betsy, it's not..." Joe started, but she wasn't about to let him finish.

"Oh, Jesus, Joe! Of course it is! Give me a little credit, for God's sake!" She wasn't yelling, but the venom made her words distinct and penetrating. "How long? How long have you two been playing at this little game?"

"Please, Betsy, if you'll just listen..." I began, since it was my turn to try and get her to stop.

"You shut up!" She pointed at me. "I thought you were my friend."

The words stung, and not just because her voice was icy; I had forgotten about Betsy, forgotten that there was another person, another heart that was on the line in this confusing dance that Joe and I had started. Now I could add shame to the feelings I was having.

She was shaking now. "So how was this supposed to work, guys? Were you going to keep this a secret forever, or maybe you had a plan. Was that it? Were we all going to move in together? How were you planning on working this out, Joe? Were you going to fuck me on me on Tuesdays, and the rest of the week was for Mike? Once a week is all I get now - if I'm lucky, so I can't see that changing. Or maybe you thought we'd go for a three-way! Yeah, that would be more efficient."

"Stop it." Joe's voice was deadly.

"Not a problem," Betsy pulled off her engagement ring and threw it at Joe, hitting him on the chest. He didn't flinch. Betsy gave a short, hard sob and turned on her heel. We could hear her running down the steps and few moments later a distant door slammed.

I looked at Joe. He looked small. I raised my good arm and put it on his shoulder. He flinched and shook it off.

"Don't! Just... don't!" He stood.

"Joe, I'm sorry," I said in a low voice.

He looked down at me and for a moment I thought I saw the same hatred I'd seen in Betsy's face a minute before. Then it melted and all that was left was despair.

"I can't do this," he whispered. "I'm not like you. I can't be! Oh Jesus Christ, why is this happening to me?"

I watched as he stumbled out of the room. I didn't even have time to crawl to the toilet. I leaned over the tub and vomited.

I don't know how long I sat there. The lather on my neck and shoulders had dried into white itchy flakes by the time Lucy found me.

"Michael, what's wrong?" Lucy didn't panic very easily, but you could hear it in her voice as she crossed the room to me.

I was beyond words. I sat there and shivered as she ran for a towel to throw over my shoulders. She rubbed my skin until I was rosy and then she rinsed out the tub. With as few directions as possible, Lucy ordered me to lean over it again and she rinsed out what was left of the shampoo. More scrubbing with a towel followed and then she dragged me to my feet. I was surprised how strong she was; her tiny frame must have been made of steel. It wasn't until she got me back in my room that she demanded to know what had happened. With halting words, I told her.

If I expected her to be shocked, I was mistaken. Lucy nodded understandably through the first part and only winced when I came to Betsy's surprise visit.

"Poor girl," she murmured, and now it was my turn to grimace. "But it was bound to happen sooner or later. At least they hadn't married yet."

"I don't understand."
"Of course you do-you just don't want to admit it," Lucy looked at me with cool, but kind eyes. "Michael, I've always known about how you feel about Joe. And more to the point, how he feels about you."

I was dumbstruck. "You never said anything."

"What was I supposed to say? And would you have listened if I did?"

She had me there. We sat quietly together as the late afternoon sun dimmed and finally settled into darkness. Lucy left for a while and came back carrying a tray with our dinners on it. Food was the last thing on my mind, but she bullied me into it.

I didn't know what to do. I was in no shape to chase after either Betsy or Joe, though I desperately wanted to talk to both of them. Just as well, I supposed, I had no idea how I could ever make any of this right. Still, I thought about phoning anyway. At least it would show I cared if nothing else.

My hand had stretched to the receiver when we heard the doorbell. I must have jumped because Lucy covered my hand with hers and squeezed. Again, I noticed her strength, but this time not the muscle and bone kind. She rose and went downstairs. I could hear murmuring and then footsteps on the steps. My heart twisted, I knew from their sound, that the feet were not Joe's.
Beau knocked and then walked into the room. Lucy had not followed him. I swallowed hard.

"Hi," I said.

"Hi, Mike."

The room was almost pitch-dark except for a glint of moonlight through the window. I couldn't see his face clearly. I didn't need to. His posture told me this wasn't a social call, and the news he brought wasn't good. He walked towards me and his face came into focus. No, definitely not good.

He took a deep breath. "I saw Joe."

"Did he tell you what happened?"

"Some of it. Most of it I guessed." He saw my face and smiled unhappily. "Shit, Mike. It weren't no secret-not to me anyways." As always in times of great stress or charm, his down-home Southern accent thickened. "Ya'll might've done a good job foolin' yourselves, but my momma didn't raise no fools. I figured it was just a matter of time before ya'll figured it out yourselves."

"I don't know what to say about that." I was suddenly embarrassed and ashamed at the thought that all our friends had probably guessed my little secret.

"Don't need to say nothin'. Don't matter to me one way or t'other, if you want the truth. I just wish it had turned out a little easier."

I sat up. "How is he? Is he okay?"

Beau sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed. He picked at the coverlet for a minute before finally answering me.

"Mike... I'm sorry. He's gone."

My stomach churned and I wished I hadn't let Lucy talk me into eating. Joe had left. He'd decided he couldn't face me again, not even to say goodbye.

"Here," Beau said, as he reached into his back pocket and pulled out an envelope. "He asked me to give you this."

I took it like it was a letter bomb. There was nothing on the envelope except my name. For such a potentially lethal weapon, it looked harmless enough.

"Do ya'll want me to stay while you open it?"

I shook my head. I couldn't stop staring at the envelope. I felt like a snake charmer holding a python.

"Okay. I'll run along then," Beau stood and then stopped and looked down at me.

"Listen, Mike, I'm really sorry it turned out like this." He patted me on the shoulder awkwardly, then turned and left.

I sat there and tried to get up the courage to read Joe's words. Slowly I tapped the end of it on my leg then raised it so I could tear it with my teeth. I turned it over and shook it. At first the letter stuck, but then it started to slide out in a soft, whispery whish. The white paper fell open to my lap. The envelope fell out of my fingers as I stared at the letter.

It was long - a couple of pages. I could see that well enough, but the words were small and blurred in the shadows of the room. I struggled to reach the bedside light. I finally succeeded and it flicked on with a click. The room came into sharp focus, the letter along with it. I picked it up, took a breath to steady myself and started to read.

Dear Mike,

By the time Beau gives you this, I'll be on my way to Italy. Remember, I told you my brother Josh is studying there for the next six months. It'll be good to see him, almost like old times.

I don't know what to say to you. I guess the first thing is not to blame yourself for what happened between me and Betsy. Whatever she thinks, I know it's my fault, not yours. Someday, maybe I'll be able to convince her of that.
I'm not going to say I didn't know what was happening today between us. I did, and I won't lie and deny that a part of me wanted it. But Mike, that was only a part. There are a few places inside of me that hate how I feel about you. The rest are just confused as hell.

It's the confused parts I have to deal with now. I need some time to think about where I'm headed and what I really want out of life. Maybe I can find some of those answers in Italy.

Oh God, I sound like such a selfish prick. Here you are just out of the hospital and I dump all this shit on you and run away. Hell, for all I know, you were appalled by what happened and are thrilled to see my sorry ass gone. But I don't think so.

I wish I had the courage to stay and see this through, but I don't. Whatever else, I hope that someday you can forgive me and remember again all the good times we had together. Oh shit, this sounds like goodbye, but it isn't, I promise. Whatever I decide, I promise I'll let you know. I'm not that big an asshole. At least I hope not.

I'm so sorry,

Joe

By the time I was done reading, tears ran down my face. They didn't stop for a long, long time.

... To be continued