The Human Condition Ch. 09

So it was after midnight when I finally got back to my apartment. The answering machine Cam had gotten me was blinking wildly, but when I checked the 5 messages it showed, only two weren't hang-ups. Fucking telemarketers, I thought as I punched the button and deleted another one.

The next call wasn't a hang-up; it was my Mom. She was just calling to tell me that my brother Andy had broken his leg trying to get out of his second-story window to escape being grounded. Good, I thought. That ought to slow the little bastard down. I didn't know what his problem was lately, but I knew he was driving my parents crazy, and I didn't think they deserved that. Of course, I'd be predisposed to take their side as Andy and I had never liked each other, and he was the only one of my family who'd thought it necessary to make a fuss over my being gay. Ever since he'd found out, his pet term of endearment for me was 'fucking faggot.' So it was understandable that I wasn't too upset that he was in a little pain now. Maybe it'd do him some good.

The second call was less satisfying. It was from Josh. He told me he'd forgotten, but he was leaving for a conference tomorrow - or rather, I supposed, today. He had to play slave boy to one of the Vatican dignitaries, so he wasn't sure if he'd be able to get any time away to talk to me. He did say he'd managed to catch up to Joe and had somehow convinced him that my call had been perfectly innocent and not part of some giant conspiracy between Josh and me. He ended by saying he'd try and talk to me as soon as possible, but if I didn't hear from in the next few days, he wanted me to know that he wasn't blowing me off; he was just unavailable.

I had to be content with that, but it wasn't easy. I wasn't very sleepy now, and I puttered around the apartment not sure how I was going to cope with all of this for much longer.

I flipped on my TV but there wasn't anything interesting on. I tried reading, but I couldn't even get past the first couple of pages. I could have cleaned, but I didn't like doing that when I was happy, let alone depressed. I thought about going out for a drink, but figured I wouldn't get there until last call, and most of my friends would already have found their true love for the night and split. I finally decided if there was nothing to do, I might as well do it in bed.

I'd stripped and had just climbed under the covers when the phone rang. Good, I thought. Maybe someone was calling to tell me to get my ass over to some party. Not that I was in a party mood, but I was willing to try anything to stop my thinking about Joe.

"Make it good," I said into the receiver.

"Mike?"

I sat up in bed and turned on the light. "Joe! Is that you?"

"Uh, yeah." He sounded nervous. "I hope it's okay that I called."

"Of course it's okay," I insisted. "I was really worried about you."

There was a slight crackle of static in the line. "I wasn't sure," he began. "I mean I acted like a total asshole yesterday. I can't believe how stupid I was."

I didn't say anything. It wasn't like I could disagree with him, after all.

"Anyway," he sighed, "that's why I called - to apologize."

"Apology accepted," I said, too relieved to make him suffer. "Now, how are you really? Is the weather good? How do you like Italy? Have you played tourist and seen all the sights?" I know I was acting like an idiot, but I was desperately trying to think of anything to say to him to keep him on the line. I didn't care what we talked about - just the sound of his voice was making me happy.

"Whoa, slow down!" he said with a laugh. He was sounding happier, and I started to grin in spite of the nervous sweat that had broken out on the back of my neck. "I'm fine, really," he continued. "The weather is hot and the sun shines every fucking day. Italy's cool, though, I guess. I've been to the Coliseum and St Peter's, of course, but I really haven't been up much for sightseeing."

"So what have you been doing?" And then I wanted to kick myself when Joe grew silent.

"A lot of things. Nothing. Well... thinking, mainly," he finally answered.

I chose my next words carefully. "Do you want to tell me about it?"

It took Joe a minute to answer again and when he did his voice was so soft I could barely make out the words. "More than you could ever imagine, Mike." He swallowed. "Look, could we just not do this now? Could we just pretend for a little while that none of this happened? I mean... I miss the way we used to be - just friends, you know? Couldn't we try that again? Please? I just want us to be friends again."

My heart went out to him. I knew exactly how he was thinking. There were times when I wished the same thing myself. But as appealing as that sounded, it wasn't going to happen.

"I wish we could Joe," I agreed sadly. "I really do, but I don't see that happening, bud. You really can't turn the clock back."

"Yeah, I know," he said.

We were both silent as the real impact of those words sunk in.

"Mike?"

"Yes?" I answered.

"I think I need to go now."

My heart sank. "If you think that's best."

"I'll call you soon." His voice was husky. "I promise."

"Okay, good." I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. "I love you."

He didn't hear me. He'd already hung up.

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author's note: I know, I know. But I promise this is the last chapter I'll tease you with. Ten, which is almost done, will start the resolution of Book One of The Human Condition.

As always a big thank you to Marc, the Peckman, for his superb editing. And a special thanks to Nick, Keith and Richard for all the diligent research they did for me on the porno section. It was a dirty job, but you guys were great.

Jayne