The Humper Game Pt. 07 Ch. 04

"But despite that, we've been getting to know each other better. Just talking on Sunday after church, things like that. And if he's really in courtship mode, that's a good thing. And I do like him. So I think I should tell him. I thought I'd just ask him over to dinner, and it's tomorrow night. I told him it was just a chance to talk some, without trying to cram talking in around doing something. He wanted to take me out to eat instead, but I said I'd feel more comfortable talking without a lot of strangers around, and interruptions, a waitress asking if everything is OK or whatever. I don't know why they think they have to do that every two minutes! Especially since they're not to be seen when you really want something!

"Anyway, I was also thinking that if we do, um, survive tomorrow night, I'd like to ask him to do something sometime with you two along. He knows you're my close friends, of course, and he really respects you both. But I'd like you to be thinking of him as a possible match—of course, not trying to push that ahead, I don't mean that, but see if there's anything to say we shouldn't take steps to get to know each other well enough to raise that kind of question."

Ellen said, "We'll pray, for sure, tonight and tomorrow. We're trying to get started praying together, and it's still a little new and, and awkward. And sure, we'd love to do something with you and Jon. You know how our schedule is for the rest of this month. And I'd say, better this month than once classes start, for us, but don't rush things for that reason. Of course. three weeks from tomorrow is the dance. We really want to go to that. That may not be really good for a date at the beginning, unless he's done it enough to understand about changing partners and the rest. I meant that we have plans that night."

"We actually mentioned that. He's done a little squaredancing, so he's familiar with some of the basics, and for sure with not monopolizing one partner. Although, if we do go to that together, and if we're at that point, I may suggest planning for every second or third dance, and one of the waltzes if not both. He knows the kind of physical contact involved, and that's OK. I don't know how so many people, a couple of generations ago, came to decide that all dancing was just sinful, unless that was it."

"That's one part of it," I said. "It goes back a lot further than you're thinking, more than two centuries in some circles, and that's always been one factor, for sure. For a lot, one reason was just disapproval of frivolous amusements, and the social setting as well. For cards, kind of the same thing, not only was it frivolous, it was connected to gambling—which led people into poverty and was built on covetousness, and on trusting in luck rather than God, and on wanting to avoid working for your living. For dancing, not only did it lead to improper intimacy and lustful thoughts in the way you meant, but at least in fairly sophisticated circles there was apt to be a lot of flirtatious talk and behavior even off the dance floor, very sexually suggestive by the standards of the day. Crude even by today's standards—even if the wording might have been more subtle and less explicit. And again, in lots of cases, women were apt to spend a lot on clothes and jewelry, trying to appear attractive. Remember what Peter said? Your attractiveness should come from a quiet and modest spirit, not from adornment—basically, from inner goodness. And there have been other reasons adduced, from some specific scriptural references—probably involving either sexual licentiousness or pagan worship. Or both—worship of both Ba'al and Asherah in biblical times probably involved orgies.

"I find it kind of hard to accept criticism of dancing as frivolous amusement, in churches full of people who make watching football a priority, with endless talk about sports of all kinds. Not to mention the amount of 'news' that's just about celebrities and their doings, or even all the other things that are on television. But that's merely ad hominem, and not a real defense, of course."

Our regular discussions with Kelly had begun topically, dealing with really basic issues. By now, almost a year later, we still did some topical, issue-oriented studying, but we were mostly studying whole books. Well, in the case of some of the prophets, smaller sections of books, a handful of chapters. Our topical studies by this point were mostly ad hoc digressions, talking about some issue that came up in our other study—or from our lives, things we had seen or heard, things like that.

That evening's discussion illustrated this. Kelly having brought up Jon, we went over things connected with courtship and marriage—all very familiar ground. In terms of courtship, application was mostly indirect. Cultures where marriages were mostly arranged lent themselves to different considerations. We talked about some examples of disasters in this area, Samson being the clearest. It seemed that his root problem was too much weight on physical, or personal, attraction so that all considerations of wisdom and even obedience to God were brushed aside.

The position I argued for was that character and godliness should be the first consideration, and that those needed some sober evaluation. But I added, "In today's culture, though, I think maybe we have to give maybe a little more weight to simple attraction. Social contacts with the opposite sex are so much more free that temptations are greater—in some ways. If as things go on you don't find him turning you on much, he's probably not a good choice. But in that, I don't mean just physical attraction, I mean liking him as a person, really feeling good being with him, things like that too. And that involves character, for sure.

"But if at this point he somehow rubbed you the wrong way a lot, I think you'd want to take that seriously. I'm thinking of someone I knew at school who was plenty nice looking, and personally really nice. I liked her a lot, and still think highly of her. And for the kind of one-time encounters we had, well, she was wonderful. But her voice irritated me. Something with no moral status whatever, but I think if I had to be married to her it would drive me up the wall. I really hope she finds a man who will appreciate her the way she deserves. In every other way she's wonderful, and might have been a great choice for me if there weren't even better ones."

Ellen looked at me questioningly, so I said, "Marie." She nodded. Marie hadn't been able to come to the wedding, but had written her regrets, not just called, and she had made it really clear that she wished she could be there and was really happy for us. One more really nice woman with a piece of my heart.

Ellen told Kelly, "He's right, she's beautiful and thoroughly nice and good, and her voice is a little unusual. Kind of like a little girl's. Probably a good example."

We finished up by praying together—briefly, but we hadn't been doing that before.

As we walked home, Ellen said quietly, "I'd kind of forgotten about Marie. She's a good example of why I love you, part of it anyway, and why some others did, too. Or do. She's not really your usual type physically, but she is just gorgeous to look at, and as nice as they come. You had no trouble looking past her voice in that context, but that was a good example to bring up."

"Well, in a different culture, one where spouses are chosen differently and aren't together as much, that might not have mattered to me so much. Or, say, if I'd somehow wound up stranded with her on a desert island for twenty years, I think I would have learned to ignore it. I don't know whether I told you. From what she said, up to that time she'd found sex kind of boring, nice but nothing really special—even with occasional orgasms. After that, she said, things were easier and better. She told me she hoped it lasted, except that she was a little worried that after graduation she would just find herself in bed with any guy who admired her." I laughed. "She said I was 'educational.'"

Ellen laughed, and grabbed me into a hug for a moment before we went inside and upstairs.

As we cleaned our teeth, though, she said, "Phil, you convinced me, a year ago, that if God sent me that vision, our own desires and will are part of his plan. He puts us into situations that make us what we are. That has to apply to our sins, too. We commit them ourselves, of course, but our situation gives us the opportunity to choose to do wrong as well as right. We don't know what would have happened if, oh, you had decided not too take a turn with any forfeits. Some guesses, though. I wouldn't have heard Claire and Barbara discussing how good you were to them. Maybe I would have just outrun you. Probably. And then maybe we wouldn't be married now—that seems likely. You and our children wouldn't be doing whatever it is you're supposed to, years from now.

"That doesn't mean it wouldn't get done, necessarily. If it's really God's will that it be done, it will be done one way or another, but we aren't told what would happen in that case. I think I was told what I was because in some way that was necessary to your doing it, though. This is the means he has chosen. It's fine to regret the attitude that caused you to be—well, you keep saying, 'promiscuous.' and it was that among other things. And to regret, maybe, the effect it's had on Jenny, say. I don't think you left anyone really heartbroken in your wake, but if you did, regret that, too.

"But with all that, rejoice that he used you, as you were, as a key part of straightening Sam out. I don't have anything like a vision, but I can't help thinking she's likely to do something important, too. Rejoice that telling Kelly about it all helped her to start considering where she stood. This is important for her, but it may be important beyond her. Almost certainly it will, in fact. Rejoice in the effect you had on Barbara Wilson. In the end you may have saved her soul and Bert's, as much as any person ever does that for anyone. She was impressed with our discussion with Kelly, and then again by Scott and Martha, whom she met because of us. And because of Barbara, we were able to do something for Pete and Tammy, and that may nudge them into faith too, someday. Not that the immediate change it made for them is unimportant, either!

"Repent of what was wrong. Put sexual immorality behind you. That's to my benefit, but that's not why I'm saying it! But that doesn't mean you can't be glad of the good things that have come, even from your sins. I'm sure happy to be married to you! However it may have come about! Remember that bit Elrond said, in the council, about the Three Rings? Gloin had been thinking of them as weapons to resist the One Ring, and Elrond told him, that's not what they are. Their makers weren't aiming for power over anyone, or wealth, but for building and healing, making things the way they should be and preserving them. And he said, 'These things the Elves of Middle-earth have in some measure gained, though with sorrow.'

"It's like that. We're supposed to set our hearts on things we won't see in this world, not entirely. Not necessarily what most people think of. So it's hard for other people to understand what we do and why. But we can accomplish the task set before us. You've given up, ever again, sex with Sam, and Rosa, and—yes, Marie, and with Ginny, and Maggie, and all those others. But just because what you, and I, did was wrong, that doesn't mean that none of it accomplished anything good. There are things in there to regret, but let go of vain regrets!

"You know I love you. I hope that helps. I don't know what to tell you. Except, I guess, there's one more thing. And you can quote it from memory, but I can't. Somewhere in Second Corinthians, I know that much. Paul distinguished godly and worldly sorrow. Please quote it, so I don't have to go off and find it."

"The question is where to start and stop, to give enough context. Here goes, from chapter seven.

"'Now I rejoice, not that ye were made sorry, but that ye sorrowed to repentance: for ye were made sorry after a godly manner, that ye might receive damage by us in nothing. For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death. For behold this selfsame thing, that ye sorrowed after a godly sort, what carefulness it wrought in you, yea, what clearing of yourselves, yea, what indignation, yea, what fear, yea, what vehement desire, yea, what zeal, yea, what revenge! In all things ye have approved yourselves to be clear in this matter.' Um. I think 'revenge' there means something like justified punishment, but I've never really been sure what Paul meant by that bit.

"Yes, I see your point. OK, I need to consider my sins, and regret them, and repent of them, but what's been kind of dragging me down isn't repentance, or even grief that can lead to repentance. You're right. I know it. I hope my feelings catch up at some point. Very much like forgiving Sam, indeed. I think my feelings may still take a while to catch up, somehow, though."

Sunday morning, Kelly grabbed a couple of minutes before Sunday School to take us aside. "I'll tell you more later, but I wanted to thank you for praying. Last night went really well. Much better than I'd hoped, not to mention feared." And indeed, Jon sat with her—and so almost next to us—in both Sunday School and the service.

After church, we invited her to come to lunch with us and talk a little, and she blushed. "Jon's taking me out to lunch. Nothing fancy or expensive. I warned him that with lots of people around, I won't be up to talking about anything really personal. He said that's fine. Can I come by after that?"

Ellen said, "That sounds great! In fact, use your judgment. Bring Jon if you like, assuming it's OK with him. Or if your lunch date runs too late, just call and let us know. We do want to hear, but we can be patient if we need to."

About mid-afternoon, Kelly called Ellen to ask if it was still OK to come by, and to bring Jon. Ellen said yes, of course. We had cookies and ice cream on hand—that was a given—and we figured that somewhere along the line we'd offer them.

I liked what I'd seen of Jon, but I didn't really know him personally, so I was glad for the chance to just talk. We talked a little about what he did for a living. He was a financial advisor, working for a large, nationwide financial service company. He was probably five or six years older than Kelly, I thought. I was interested in his description of what his job involved. I hadn't really known much about it.

I was pleased that he gave examples, but that he kept them kind of generic, not coming near gossiping about his clients. I was pretty sure that he enjoyed our discussion, too. I mentioned Gordy Hathaway, whom we'd met at Thanksgiving with Uncle John and Aunt Sally. We hadn't really discussed Gordy's business at all, so I wasn't sure how different it might be.

After a few minutes, though, I said, "Kelly told us she was having you over for dinner last night, for some serious talk, and then this morning she said it went well. I'm really glad to hear that."

He looked a little surprised, maybe even a bit apprehensive, and I hurried to try to reassure him. "She didn't say anything specific, really. From the little she said beforehand, we know part of what she wanted to talk about, but even there she didn't say anything concrete."

I thought he relaxed a little, and Kelly spoke up. "Jon, I told you, they've been the best friends I've ever had, for almost a year now. And spiritual mentors besides. I said you'd been asking me out, and that as I got to know you I wanted to accept some, but that I needed to tell you about something in my past. They already knew about it. I didn't say more, except to ask them to pray. And I wouldn't discuss you behind your back. Anything personal or negative, for sure."

He didn't say anything, so after a moment I put in, "She didn't say anything except that your talk went really well. And you were sitting with her this morning, and took her out to lunch, and you're here now. I can reasonably deduce that you like Kelly, and I'd say you're thinking more than friendship is possible. We care enough about Kelly to be praying already that she will find the right man, or a right man, and everything we know says you might be a good choice. It depends on you two, and on your taking time to get to know each other. I'll only add, to both of you, that we're also likely to pass along anything you tell us to Uncle John and Aunt Sally, and to Sam, unless you ask us not to, or unless it seems obviously private. They don't know Kelly as well as we do, but they care and they'll pray. Kelly, you didn't tell him about them, did you?"

Jon was the one who answered. "No, but of course I saw Sam in your wedding. Your maid of honor, wasn't she, Ellen? And she sang and played the solo?"

"That's right, She became a believer last year," I said. "You also saw Uncle John and Aunt Sally there. They're really Sam's aunt and uncle, not mine, and her guardians after her parents died. But when we got out of high school—and that was only a year ago, I'm sure that's come up before—I had almost two weeks before I could move in here. They live near here." I named the town. "They let me stay with them, and they kind of adopted me. My father wasn't on speaking terms with his siblings, any time in my lifetime, and I barely knew names and faces, so they were really the only aunts and uncles I'd ever known, and we all really feel like I'm family."

Ellen said, "While we were at his parents' after Christmas, introducing me, Phil sought out his own aunts and uncles and introduced both of us to them. That's when we got engaged, too. It turned out that Mom had already started to get to know them, a little, too. So we're praying that Dad's issues with his own family may change, too. I don't know that they'll ever be really close, but talking together and being polite, well, that seems possible. So with my parents and brother, too, Phil's family suddenly got much bigger last year." She came over and gave me a hug for a moment. She could see I was feeling very emotional, but I wasn't in any danger of falling apart.

Kelly told Jon a little about spending Thanksgiving weekend with the Goodfriends, explaining their specific interest in her since then.

We talked a bit about Jon's family, which seemed very close and affectionate. It seemed that Kelly had said only a little about hers to Jon, so she described that situation as well.

Ellen offered dessert, which was cheerfully accepted all round, and we kept talking as we ate. After a bit, Kelly said, "This is an idea I had, and I haven't said anything to any of you. Jon, I did tell you a little about the Bible study we've been having Friday nights. I wondered if you would have any interest in joining us for that—assuming it's OK with Phil and Ellen, too, of course."

We talked a bit about what we had been doing, and the format. I made sure to say, "In a way I've been leading this. Well, we started because Kelly had questions, and it needed someone to lead at that point. And at that point I was kind of teaching her, too. But I'm not teaching at this point. I do what guiding I can't get away from."

Jon said he'd like to come, at least for a while. I was sure the chance to be with Kelly was more attractive to him than studying with Ellen and me, but that was fine. I was interested in getting to know him better, and that was likely if he came and studied with us. And he was knowledgeable enough that I might be able to shed most of the rest of the leadership role.