The Incubus's Heart Ch. 07

"Godwin," she begged. Her own voice sounded so husky, so horny. "Please, I want you," she begged, struggling to turn around in his arms.

He was surprisingly strong when he wanted to be. "No one wants a scarred incubus, little hansa," he said. "My blood has forced your desires."

He sounded so sad that it brought her down just a tiny bit. "I want you!" she insisted. "I want you so much!"

He kissed the collar and her body stilled even as she tried to keep fighting him. She needed him inside her. Of course she wanted him! He was all she thought about, all she wanted. She loved him.

"Give it back, Seneca. Feed your desire back to me, then we shall meet our Josh Crocker. Give it back to me," he commanded.

She couldn't ignore his command. He allowed her slack and she turned quickly in his arms until she faced him.

"I love you. Do you hear me? I want you, scarred incubus or not. I love you, Godwin SynLilin," she declared before she forced her mouth over his. She pushed her desire at him, and her love. She needed him to feel it and understand her feelings. She needed him to know. She was too full with it.

His hands wrapped in her hair and he kissed her as if she were his oxygen. Her core flooded and she pressed herself against him.

And then everything drained away from her. He pulled hard, scouring her emotions more violently than ever before. She'd never fed him so much at once, or so quickly. Her head spun with how empty she was.

Godwin pressed his forehead to hers, and they stood together, panting. "My apologies, Seneca. I have... I... I have no excuse. Please, join Josh Crocker now. I need to think. Enjoy your dinner, I have no commands for you at this time."

Her heart clenched painfully at his dismissal. Oh god, she'd told him. She confessed, and now she ruined everything. Why had she told him? It was over, just like that. She was so stupid.

She swallowed hard, trying to find words, but found none. She should have felt more, felt loss and depression and embarrassment, but she just felt vague emotions, numb from Godwin's feeding. He looked at her, then looked towards the pizzeria. Nodding, she turned away from him and headed towards the restaurant.

Josh was seated already, sitting in the back of the shop in their usual booth. He waved to her as the door shut behind her and she waved back, unable to stop the genuine smile she had for him. Maybe it was good she was numb, because if she wasn't, she'd be crying like an idiot, and unable to explain to Josh why.

Dinner started out a little awkward, but Josh soon had her relaxing, as much as she could. Godwin left, she could feel the distance between them growing with so much of his blood in her system. It buzzed like angry bees in her veins, reminding her that she'd messed up.

"Aren't you hungry?" Josh asked, eyeing her plate after demolishing his own, bringing her attention back to him.

"I'm sorry," she apologized. "I ate before I came. I know I shouldn't have, but I was hungry." It wasn't a lie, it just wasn't the full truth, either.

He smiled and she blushed. "You're adorable, Seneca. It's seriously no problem. But, if you aren't hungry, do you care if I eat your pie?"

She shook her head and reached across and took a slice of her pizza, then slid her pizza tray across the table. She watched him eat, but she wasn't inside with him. Her heart was with Godwin. He was close, but she could feel him constantly moving. It had her on edge.

"You seem distracted," Josh said as he finished one of her slices.

"I guess I am. I'm not feeling that great today, honestly. I'm sorry, Josh, I'm being a terrible date," she said, trying and failing to focus only on Josh. Her rebellious mind tracked Godwin's movements outside.

"Do you wanna call tonight off?" he asked, sounding genuinely concerned for her. "I mean, if you're not up to it, we don't hafta-"

"I don't wanna disappoint, ah, you," she said, catching herself before she said Godwin's name. How many times could she screw tonight up? She looked away.

"Disappoint me? Seneca, what the flip?! We do this because we both enjoy it, right? I'm not doing it to just get off. I mean, I don't want you to think I'm taking advantage of you. I like doing it with you, the stuff. All of the stuff. If you aren't feeling it tonight, we'll get some pizza and call it a night. I'm not a complete asshole." He smiled at her coyly, as if the last part was some inside joke.

"I don't think you're an asshole at all, Josh!" she defended, afraid she'd offended Josh somehow, too.

He laughed. "Seneca, relax! You did, once, but it was a while ago, when we broke up? I mean, we weren't exactly dating, but when you stopped seeing me. I mean, we hadn't even been seeing each other that long, but you were pretty pissed at the end."

She bit the inside of her cheek. "I don't really remember how we broke it off," she admitted, feeling bad for not remembering.

"Not a big deal. I mean, it's not one of my proudest, shiniest moments." He started another slice of pizza. How was he eating this much pizza? Where did he put it, because it wasn't in those toned abs that had her swooning.

"Still... I should remember..."

He swallowed a big bite, then put the slice back down. "I'm kinda glad you don't, to be honest. You found me with another vamp. Walked in on the whole shebang, blood and sex. I was stupid, you know, the follies of youth, but, I didn't think it would be a big deal at the time, I mean, I was young and dumb. I didn't know how territorial some vamps get with Wrens. You were so mad at me, I can't believe you don't remember it. You wouldn't talk to me, didn't talk to me ever again after that. Said I was the biggest, most complete asshole you'd ever met."

She remembered now, though it was hazy. She'd been helping Olivia through her unexpected high school coming out, which dwarfed everything else at the time.

"I'm sorry," she apologized. "I was probably harsher than I should have been, I might have been taking out some other stuff I was dealing with at the time on you. But, honestly, I think that would still bother me, if you didn't make it clear to me first. I like to think I'm a lot more, ah, open minded than I used to be," she said, hiding her embarrassment behind a sip of water.

"Oh, that's for sure," he agreed. "You're different, yet the same."

"Sorry I called you that, in the past.*

He chuckled. "Me in the definitely deserved it." His smile healed something inside her a tiny bit.

"I'm glad we reconnected, you know? I really enjoy what we have right now. But, ah..." She wasn't gonna do tbis, was she? She had to stop herself before she ruined yet another relationship. Her mouth, or her conscious, barreled forward without her consent. "I, ah, haven't been completely honest with you..."

The recently resurrected memory of their past break up brought a wave of guilt. She wasn't being honest with Josh, the same thing that had made her so mad at Josh all those years ago.

She had to make it right. Even if it ruined everything. She refused to lie to Josh, he deserved better.

Josh watched her curiously, he didn't seem too shocked by her revelation. "Does it have something to do with that collar you always wear?"

"Collar?!" she sputtered, dropping her hand to her lap. She hadn't even realized she'd been fidgeting with it.

He smiled, and how was he so calm while everything was falling apart? "Seneca, we aren't kids anymore. If you're into S&M, I get it. It actually kinda explains a whole lot of things. We do some kinky stuff, not anything super crazy, but you often seem reluctant to do it. As if it's like someone's telling you what to do when you're with me. And it really seems to get you off. Am I right? Do you have a master?" he asked.

She could see his brain working, turning over his own facts, and using her silence as confirmation.

"Sorry, I'm sorry, Josh."

He looked up at her sharply. "Shit, I'm sorry Seneca, I'm such a proper idiot, please don't be mad at me. Sometimes I speak before I actually process what I'm thinking."

She was so anxious it was making her feel sick. "How do you know, Josh?" she asked.

Where was Godwin? She needed him here. How would she even explain Godwin to Josh? She wished Godwin was here. Why wasn't he here? She reached out for him, searching for him with his own blood. He was close, but that wasn't good enough. She needed him here. The whole night was going to shit.

"No, Seneca, really, I screwed up. I should think before-"

She giggled, feeling manic. "You screwed up? I'm the one who messed up, Josh. I messed up everything." She sank her head in her hands, fighting back tears.

"Like I said, Seneca, I went too far. This isn't the time or place for this conversation. But... Just tell me if I'm right. Am I? You don't have to tell me details, but tell me if I'm right or not," he insisted. "Tell me that and I'll let it drop until we get someplace more private."

She couldn't respond at first. She rubbed the collar again, the sensations soothing a little. Smoothing down a tiny part of rough edges of her guilt. She caught herself, forcing her hands into her lap.

"Sorry, Seneca," he said, pushing the rest of her pizza away from him. "I shouldn't have pressed you. I get it. I'll go pay and-"

"No, it's my turn to pay," she interrupted, a little too loudly.

He sat back down with a look of mild shock. "Okay..." he relented.

Where was Godwin? What was she going to tell Josh? Everything was crashing down around her, pressing in from all sides. Godwin was upset, probably with her, Josh knew, or at least had a pretty good idea of the game they played, and she'd told Godwin she loved him. She ruined everything.

She paid without paying attention. Josh stepped behind her before she'd finished, slipping her coat over her shoulders. "Sorry."

"Don't apologise, Josh!"

"Seneca-".

"Not here, Josh. Please, not here. Let's just get a hotel," she pleaded.

"You still wanna go?" he asked, genuinely surprised. "With me?"

"Do you?"

"What are you even asking, of course I do!" She headed outside and he followed her closely. "I'll do whatever you wanna do."

She snorted. "I'm selfish. Of course I do, even if it's just to talk. I just, I mean, especially if this is the last time."

"Last time? Are you breaking it off with me again? Why? Because I asked you about the collar. I didn't-"

"What? No! I don't wanna break it off! I lied to you, you won't wanna-"

"I wanna, Seneca. I like what we have. And, you didn't lie to me, or even if you did, I don't care! Can we just talk about this?"

She deflated, cold air swirling around her. "Yeah, I owe you the truth. We can go to the hotel. I just..."

He nodded. "It's all okay, Seneca. I don't wanna go to the hotel, though. It will feel like we should be doing stuff, not just talking. Why don't we go back to my place? It must be getting expensive, always paying for the hotel room?"

"It's the... Ah... I don't..." she stuttered, unsure what she was even trying to say.

He thought she paid for the room every time. She never paid. Godwin always gave her a key and she used it. She wondered now if he paid for the room, or if he used his charm to get one every time.

She knew that going to Josh's house would be crossing a line they couldn't come back from.

"I don't think we should," she hedged. But... Godwin hadn't given her a hotel key yet tonight, she realized with a start. "Oh no, I don't have a room."

Tears welled up in her eyes. She was screwing up everything. Her guilt and self hatred, which had been so distant in the last few weeks, were like boulders on her chest. She could hardly breathe. How had she lived with these emotions until now?

"Come to my place, Seneca," he insisted. "I live kinda close. I promise, we won't do anything you don't want."

"I can't," she whined.

He nodded, understanding in his eyes. "Just tell me, Seneca. Yes or no. To the question I asked you earlier. Is it a collar? Is this some type of game you're playing with me?"

She squirmed, then started walking towards where she felt Godwin to be, she couldn't think of a better plan. Josh sighed, then followed after her.

She ran across the street without looking in a nearly full-blown panic attack.

Josh ran after her. "Seneca, calm down. I won't ask you again. I'm sorry. Please, just calm down."

As if responding to her need, Godwin rounded the corner of the building. She froze like a deer in headlights. All she wanted was to call out to Godwin, to fall into his arms. But she couldn't. Josh was here, watching as her world fell apart.

"Seneca, what has you so troubled? What has happened?" Godwin asked, reaching out to touch her. His eyes were pure silver, and the most demon-looking she'd ever seen, still so beautiful. She wanted him, she loved him. Her heart was full and broken at the same time.

His hand stopped just before he touched her face, his eyes locked on something behind her. She turned, her stomach on the floor. Josh watched them both in fascination.

"You... Seneca, is he your master?" he asked in awe.

She was gonna be sick. Godwin exhaled heavily, the scowl on his handsome features giving him a more devilish appearance.

"You can see him, I've ruined everything..." she lamented as the first big fat tears began to fall down her face. "I'm sorry. I'm s-s-s-so sorry," she cried, sobs racking her body. She didn't even know who she was apologizing to at this point. Both of them. Everyone. How had this gone so terribly wrong so fast?

Godwin's arms were around her, pressing her face to his chest. He said something to Josh but she couldn't hear it over her own pathetic sniveling. His arms were so warm and comforting. Would she ever feel this safe again? This whole?

She expected Josh to storm off angrily, or Godwin to dump her on a park bench and leave. She messed up, and she would be abandoned. Again.

Neither of those things happened. Being in Godwin's arms faded her depression and self hatred down to manageable levels, and her tears began to dry up. She could hear them both talking, could feel the bassy rumble of it through Godwin's chest pressed against her face, but she couldn't make out anything they said.

Godwin picked her up as if she weighed nothing and they began moving, but she didn't care. She kept her eyes closed, clinging to Godwin, so worried that once he put her down he would be gone forever. So worried that if she opened her eyes she would wake up and everything with Godwin would have been a dream.

Warm breath tickled her ear as the incubus whispered something she couldn't understand. "Tavani, hansa," she thought she heard. Her head felt heavy, but not as heavy as her eyes.

She must have fallen asleep in his arms as he carried her, his steps rhythmic and hypnotic. She woke again when he moved to put her down. Whimpering, she clutched his suit coat by instinct alone.

"Shh, Seneca, all is well, I will not leave your side. Hush now, and let me set you down. I promise I will not leave you," he assured.

Her hands relaxed even though she didn't want to let go. Reluctantly she released her grip on Godwin and he put her down onto what felt like a sofa. She opened her eyes. They were in a place she was unfamiliar with and it made her nervous, but it also smelled like Josh.

"Is this your apartment?" she snuffled, embarrassed down to her toes.

"Yea," she heard him reply, as she couldn't make herself look at him. "Welcome to my home."

She curled up around herself, pulling her knees in tight to her chest, not even caring that she was exposing her panties. They'd both seen them before, anyway. Wriggling deeper on the couch, she peeked over her knees to appraise Josh's place.

It was larger than hers, but not by much, at least what she could see of it. The living room and kitchen areas blended together into one large, open room. She sat on a blue sofa facing one of the largest TVs she had ever seen in someone's home. Game systems lined a shelf under the TV, and there were discs and cases all over the messy coffee table between her and the TV. Josh was in the kitchen, filling glasses with water. She saw the sink was full of dirty dishes, and could smell them, too.

He had comic book art all over the walls. Large prints of comic book covers blown up to poster size, movie posters for superhero flicks, and an actual cutout of Halle Berry as Storm from one of the Xmen movies standing next to the TV.

She smiled despite her absolute terror at how wrong the night had gone. This place was so Josh. She dropped her chin to her knees as Godwin sat on the couch next to her. His hand was a warm, welcome pressure on her lower back.

"So, yeah..." Josh said as he brought two cups of water to them. He handed one to Godwin, looked at her and then changed his mind about handing it to her. Instead, he cleared a space on the coffee table by pushing everything into even messier piles, then put the glass down there. He pulled a kitchen table chair into the living room area, flipped it around and plopped down in it casually.

"Indeed," Godwin agreed.

Seneca just buried her head deeper into her knees, wishing that if she could close her eyes hard enough that she could just wake up and none of this would have occurred.

"Seneca," Godwin said, shifting so that he was facing her more than Josh. She attempted to bury herself deeper, but she couldn't get any smaller. "All is well, and none of this is at your fault." How was he still being so nice to her?

She felt her tears welling up again at the thought that she failed him. "I messed it all up, Godwin. Of course it's my fault." She looked up and one large tear trailed down her cheek.

He caught it as it tracked down her face. "No, that is untrue. Partially the fault is mine, but this is nothing to cause such heartache."

"How is this your fault, Godwin?" she snapped. "I'm the one who messed up! I'm the one who fell apart tonight, and I'm the one who made you upset before we even went there! I drank too much, but even before that, I don't even know what I did, but I did something to upset you. I've screwed up everything," she declared, angry at herself. "And now I've ruined this, with Josh, too."

Both men started to talk at once, then they looked at each other in surprise.

"I am not upset with you, Seneca, nor was I upset with you at any time this evening," Godwin insisted.

Josh snorted. "You didn't mess up with me. I already had a pretty good idea of what was going on before tonight, at least with your, ah, behavior. And... I've seen Godwin before a few times, too. Sometimes I thought I just imagined it, but I saw him occasionally when we were together. Touching your collar, whispering into your ear. It... Ah..." he trailed off, his face pink with embarrassment.

"You saw him?" Seneca picked her head up from her knees. "Before?"

"Ah, well, it was sometimes like a mirage or something, shimmery, like a ghost or an outline. But his eyes, I've seen those before. I've felt them watch us. I never thought I was into voyeurism, but it's so fucking hot when you're getting into it and I can feel him watch us," he admitted, looking away.

"You are very perceptive for a human," Godwin said, biting his lip in thought.

"He's a Wren," Seneca said.

Godwin glanced at her. "You mentioned this before. I did not pay it enough heed, obviously. Please describe what it means that he is a Wren."

"It's not so easy to describe. I guess, like I said before, they are mates for vampires. We can only get pregnant with Wrens. They're human, but not Norms, normal people. They're sensitive to the supernatural, they can sense vampires. I guess they can sense other supernaturals, too, if he could feel you. I didn't really think..."