The Interview Project Pt. 03byBarnaby©
The Interview Project Part Three: Meg's Story
"My passions control me. I don't really control my passions."- Meg
The third choice was obvious but I made it tougher. I have a friend named Meg who has followed and occasionally inspired my writing career. Sometimes, she confided her secrets in me so I knew that she was sexually active. I also knew that I would be comparing everyone else to her whether I included her or not. I was afraid though, that there might be questions she wouldn't want to answer or perhaps answers I really didn't want to know. That closeness factor that wasn't there with the others scared me. I worried that I couldn't keep my journalistic distance in her case. In the end, though, she lobbied hard for the chance to go on the record and I caved in. I had my trio.
Easily the most complex of the girls, Meg has an almost magical quality about her that makes people want to do anything to please her. Her eyes glow with a ready smile but there's a deep sadness, too. She is introspective, empathic and naturally friendly but she projects "I'm fuckable" pheromones even when she doesn't mean to do so. According to her, she can resist anything except temptation. She's been going through some tough times lately both with men and at work. A Wiccan like the others, Meg refers to herself proudly as a witch. She's barely 20 but hers is an old soul. Her philosophy of sex comes from the book SLOW HANDS by Lynn Kaufman: "Sex-like any other interaction, it must be respectful of both parties and its intention must be to do good and not harm. Beyond that, sex is a private matter." At least until now. Once again, we returned to the park for our interview. I believe the joggers are beginning to talk.
B-First of all, let's start with the basics. Tell me about yourself. Who are you?
M-My name is Meg and I...I am complex! I'm twenty, I work in retail, I live on my own, I love sex and I'm a witch!
B-What's your family background?
M-Well, my family comes from the South. I was born and raised there for the first thirteen years of my life. My mother's parents were a big influence on my childhood as was my father's mother.
B-What about your religious background?
M-Religiously, I was not brought up with Wicca. In fact, it goes against everything I was brought up with.
B-Which was what?
M-Well, let's see. I was baptized Methodist. That's the church my parents were going to at the time-my grandmother's church. My mother's side of the family-my mom's mom-is Baptist. Southern Baptist, of course. Then my parents went to two different Episcopal churches during which time I went to Catholic elementary school so I've been provided with many different aspects of the different denominations of the Christian religion.
B-You think that's why you left it?
M-No, I don't think so. It did get complicated when I couldn't take communion at school when we had Mass every Friday morning and yet I did at church. That conflicted me even then. I didn't quite get that one. I went to Catholic school from Kindergarten through fourth grade, then I went to public school. I went to two different elementary schools, two different junior highs, two different high schools and two different colleges.
B-What did all of this religious and educational background teach you about sex?
M-Well...that's always been a conflict. With the Christian viewpoint, it's looked down on for women and it's overlooked for men. It's that double standard which I've never understood and never felt was right! Me, personally, I feel like whatever is right for someone is right for that person and that should be accepted. While people may or may not agree with it, a person's individual choices should be respected. With me, I've always been very passionate and my sexuality is a big part of who I am.
B-How did you first learn about sex?
M-From books! Romance books! I don't really remember my mother having "The Talk" with me ever but the very first book that I read...well, it wasn't the first romance but it was the first that taught me about sex. "Enslaved" by Virginia Henley.
B-When was this?
M-I was sixteen. I think I was sixteen. Sixteen, seventeen? The first time I read romances I was sixteen but that was the one I was like "Oh my gosh!". That was the first really hot book I read and it taught me a lot!
B-When did you get your first period?
M- I was about eleven.
B-Did you know what it was? Did your mom tell you to expect it at least?
M-Yeah...I think so. I remember I was at my godmother's house. She's like a second mother to me and that's just easier because she's my little brother's godmother but not mine. Did I tell you about the Christian religion being complicated? Yeah, because we went to a Methodist church, I didn't get godparents but because we went to an Episcopal Church when my brother was born, he got godparents. Yeah. That worked out great. Anyway, I think she did tell me but I do remember I was over there. In the beginning, it wasn't painful. Nothing like the movie, "Carrie." It happened there, then I went home and we talked about it. That was melodramatic at first.
B-Do you masturbate?
B-How old were you when you discovered masturbation?
M-I think...nineteen. Last year. I don't remember exactly when.
B-How do you do it? Do you use any toys or...?
M- No. I don't really. I...
B-Describe a typical experience.
M-Just...it's me, feeling like I want sex and there's not any one particular guy. Just me, wanting to be fulfilled...in that manner. And I think that's all right.
B-What do you think about while you're playing with yourself?
M-Different scenarios. A guy, doing what I'm doing and more.
B- Okay, tell me about the first time you kissed a guy.
M-Awwww. Well, I was eight. Started young. (laughs). It wasn't anything all that big but it was memorable. His name was William and he was four years older than me. He was twelve and I was eight. I guess I've always had a thing for older men.
B- (laughs) Older men!
M- Yeah. I remember it was nice and I really liked it. It wasn't anything all that big or special. It was nice. Another big thing that I do remember with it was my mother's reaction. Because, me, I was young and I felt "This is a really good thing." I was excited and...you know, your first kiss! It should be special and it should be really a good thing.
B-Did you tell her?
M-Yes, I did and her response was "Do not let a boy do that to you. That's bad!" So then I'm, like, so totally conflicted because I'm going "Wait a minute. What's bad about that? That was nice." There wasn't any bad feelings involved, no force or pressure. No pressure at all! It was just her views and my views and I think it should be more openly discussed, especially when women are young.
B-How young do you think it should be discussed with them?
M-Well...when they're ready to discuss it.
B-Did you know you were ready to discuss it before it happened or did you not even think about it really until it did?
M-I guess I didn't think about it much.
B-The parents wouldn't necessarily know when the right time would be because they wouldn't know when the child was ready.
M-But if a child brings it up, a parent shouldn't shut it down.
B-Okay, then, we agree. Tell me about your first sexual experience of any kind, not going all the way.
M-Well...let's see...ummm...When I was in Junior High...Junior High was a lot of fun and I kind of went through guys there but it wasn't serious dating or anything. It was just: you call me on the phone, we talk exclusively. That kind of thing. And, you know, it's not like you don't talk to other girls, it's just, you don't talk to them about going to see movies or something. At that point, in Junior High, you can't drive so...There was kissing involved but that was about it. But then High School. High School was different. I didn't care for High School but the guys...I didn't go through guys as much. There was one guy my sophomore year that I was interested in. We may have kissed or we may not have kissed. I'm not even sure.
B- (laughs) It really hasn't been that long ago, you realize?
M-It feels like it. So much has changed and I've changed so much. I'm pretty sure it was Graham. We'll go with that one, okay?
B-Well, what was it?
M-I don't know! He was the first guy I ever had sex with. There was a lot of chemistry there but that was it. He was the first of many I felt that with. I've learned that I've always had a tendency to kind of let my passions rule but with him, I went the whole way. It happened on a Monday but it had almost happened on a Friday...or Saturday. Could have been both times.
B-Whose decision was it?
B-Did you like it?
M-I did... and I didn't.
B-Was it painful?
M-Yes. It hurt like hell! He was my first and I was his first. He really didn't know what he was doing and while I wanted it and felt that desire and so totally emotionally and mentally ready, hormones included, I wasn't really all that wet. He didn't know anything about that so I'm not holding it against him.
B-It was that whole foreplay thing. Always helps with the wetness but guys never understand that.
M-Yeah...well, there was some but (giggles)...I greeted him with a robe on. What'd you expect? I was ready! I decided to seduce him so I did. I wanted sex! I wanted the kind you get in romance novels but I didn't get it. At least not the first time around. I feel like I have had that since.
B-Did you have an orgasm that first time?
B-Do you have orgasms at all?
M-(sighs) Came really, really close a couple of times with a couple of different guys but not quite so...I know it's possible 'cause I got really close. Just...no.
B-Besides erotic fiction, what kinds of things turn you on?
M- I hate porn movies! They make me never want to have sex again!
B- I said, "on", not "off".
B- (laughter) I get it but just for a second I thought you meant "jazz men"! You know, sax players!
M- (laughter) No, dumb-ass! The scent! Lotions and perfumes. Oh my gosh, if I'm massaged with that, it's all over! That and...I like wine...What else...?
B-Do you like your neck nibbled?
B-Do you like to have your breasts touched?
M-Yes and they are very sensitive. It's like it gets to a point where my whole body is sensitive. There was one time where it felt like my whole entire body was on fire. Every nerve in my body was just totally sensitive. I think that's only happened once.
B-In your own head, when you're just thinking about your body, what do you call your private parts? You know, you call your elbow an elbow, you call your knees your knees. How do you think of your sex?
M-I don't know. It goes back to that whole upbringing thing. It's just bizarre. I mean, now I'm coming to terms with it. You know, it actually having terms and stuff...but it was just "down there" and you don't touch "down there." It's not how I think of it now I guess but there are still so many things ingrained in me. It's a vagina.
B-Do you shave it?
M-Yes! I can say that proudly now. The first time I did ever was when I was eighteen. My boyfriend brought it up. At first, I'd never heard of anybody doing that and my mother's never been the type of person I could talk to about sex. I think she thinks that I have had it but she doesn't really want to know. It's that kind of relationship.
B- "Don't ask. Don't tell."
M- Exactly! Which really sucks for me 'cause I don't have a mother that I can go to and say, "Hey, is this normal?" She lives in denial. But back to the shaving question, I didn't feel like it was normal and could be accepted but, at the same time, I was intrigued. I was curious as to what it would feel like. Oh my gosh, I remember the first times (laughs). It took me awhile to get used to it. I remember at first I felt horny all the time. It was "Okay! Ready now! Let's go!" It was just bizarre because...all that hair there and then it wasn't.
B- So everything just rubs directly against it?
M-Uh-huh! (laughs) There's just sooo much more sensitivity and awareness. Then, after we broke up, I didn't do that anymore.
B-Why? Because it reminded you of him?
M-Partially. But partially I only felt that it was okay because of him. It was like I did it for him. That was also during the time I still held the Christian views. At that point, I didn't know there was anything else out there so I didn't feel like it was accepted in the religious views I was brought up with. That wasn't "okay." Like I said, that was "down there." But now, I do shave again. I started three months ago. I've just decided that this is me and this is who I am and this is what I want so the guy better like it or, "Oh, well!"
B- Do you like your smell?
M-I don't have a problem with it. To me, it doesn't seem to be particularly strong or overwhelming or like it's all that noticeable.
B- Do you like your body?
B-Have you always?
M- No. There was a time I was in seventh grade and I was considered anorexic. It wasn't that I had a bad body image. It really wasn't. It wasn't that I was purposely going "Well, I don't want to eat today." I would get home from school and eat dinner but that would be it. No breakfast, no lunch and there would probably be times I may not have eaten after school. It kind of depended how the day went. At that point, my life, my family, my home life I felt was a mess. The year before when I was in sixth grade, I almost ran away from home. So that was still not fixed. My grades were not good and that also reflected in my family life because my parents were not happy if my grades weren't good. So I didn't feel like I had any control over what was happening in my life except when it came to what I ate. That was the one aspect of my life I could control and that was why.
B-Do you like yourself in general?
B-Do you love yourself?
M-I want to say "yes" but, in fact, it's getting closer and closer every day.
B- Okay. How do you define "having sex?"
M- Well...I don't count masturbation. I mean...I know it probably is counted by some people but..., no, when you're with someone...because there's oral sex and anal sex and then there's the general sex. You know, the usual type.
B- The Clinton definition again. If it's not intercourse, it's not really sex. Is that your final answer?
M-(laughs) I try to stay out of politics but, okay. That works.
B- Then here's the big question. By your definition, how many guys have you had sex with?
M-Five! I've kept track. It may come to a point where I'm no longer able to do that but...
B- Have you ever worried about your reputation?
M- No, I don't but I did when I slept with Graham. Oh, that's right! There was almost another guy and I worried about it with him, too. It came really close. The only thing that kept me from going though with it was that I hadn't shaved my legs. Tell all the women out there that if you don't want to have sex, don't shave your legs. If you don't shave your legs, you will just not be able to go though with it!
B-How would you define the term, "slut?'
M-You know...that's complicated. I guess since my views have changed that outlook has changed. At this point, I'm not really sure what I would consider...because I don't really want to consider women...I definitely do not consider...It depends upon...
B-You know, some people use full sentences.
M- Sorry. I just had so many thoughts. That word is such a touchy word. It's like the "B" word I won't use. It's gotten up there to where, with a woman's reputation, depending on who she is, what type of status she has in her career, that varies the importance as to what other people think and as to what type of control these people have over the other woman's life. I just don't think the "slut" word should ever be used.
B- Talk about this unique concept you have of just actually sleeping with some guys.
M- I love just sleeping with guys. I have slept with one...two...three...four guys who I didn't have sex with. We slept all night together in the same bed , back to chest, chest to chest...
B-How did you even broach this concept to the guys because it really is a little odd?
M-Yeah. Well...the first...Oh, maybe I missed a guy. Oh, shoot! I think there were five. Well, the first night I spent the night at Jerry's we just slept together. He was the first guy I ever just slept with and that came about because we came really close-like down to underwear close-to having sex only he didn't have a condom and neither did I. So we spent the night together and just slept together. I slept in one of his t-shirts and that was sweet. I liked that. He was totally comfortable with it.
B- See, I can understand that one. It grew out of circumstance. How did you broach it with others?
M-Well, then there was Gene. It was agreed. We were at his place watching a movie and the question was brought up. Do you want me to stay or do you want me to go? Either he said, "stay" or it was up to me and I decided to stay. He didn't want to have sex and I didn't either. Well, we both wanted to but we didn't think it was the right time 'cause we were just dating and getting to know each other so we just slept together. Then there was the guy...yeah, there were a couple of times things got heated and we didn't have a condom but one of us decided we were going to spend the night with each other. Then there was Tim. Things did get heated and it was nice. We just kind of fooled around. Dammit! I didn't shave my legs with him either! Fuck! That was the only reason I didn't have sex with him. I kept trying to but I just didn't have the time. I was working. If I had just shaved my legs, I'd have had another memory with him. Oh, fuck!
B-Have you ever had sex while drinking?
M- No...No...Yes! Had to go through the list there. (laughs) It was with Jeff. With Jeff, it was just lust. It was good, but it was just lust. If I happened to run into him and he didn't have a girlfriend and I didn't have a boyfriend, it would be like, "Hey! Shut up and kiss me!" He was having a party at his house with his buddies. It was after midnight when I got there but he had saved some alcohol for me. He had asked me previously what I'd like. My mother even knew I was going and I told her I'd probably be drinking so I wouldn't be home that night. It was Smirnoff Ice and Bacardi, a mix of the two. I was NOT drunk! I've been giddy before, so I know the feelings. He was being cute and charming. I wanted him and he wanted me. The alcohol didn't really have much to do with it.
B- All right, now it's time for the fun questions.
M-Oh, you mean those weren't?
B- Do you consider yourself to be kinky?
M-In some ways, yes. Well...yes. I don't know! I like erotic fiction about that...
B- Well, let's find out how kinky you really are. First, do you like sex rough or gentle?
M-A little bit of both.
B- How many handjobs have you given?
M-Hmmm. The second guy I ever had sex with...he didn't like 'em. No, he liked handjobs, just not blowjobs 'cause he had had a bad experience with a blowjob. Some girl...her teeth or something...anyway...Vic didn't particularly like them. Graham was the first guy I did 'em with. He liked handjobs. Hey, I'm pretty good at handjobs! Jerry was just a one night stand kind of thing. Can we go through the list? This is getting complicated. The first guy I ever had sex with was Graham. We talked about him already. That was when I was seventeen. We were together about six months. There was my boyfriend, Vic. We were together about eight months, I think. I started to not keep track 'cause it got really, really bad in the end. That was when I was eighteen. Then, when I was nineteen, there was Jerry. He was the first time I had a one night stand, no relationship, commitment-free type deal.