The Joy of Sex

An excellent way of having some fun (whilst remaining discrete) it is for your lover to sit in your lap. It looks fairly innocuous to anyone casually glancing at you, but if she is wearing a skirt, you can easily engage in full, penetrative sex, with nobody else any the wiser.

Pick a moment when some very loud music is blasting out at one hundred and twenty decibels. This way, should either of you decide to get a little more vocal in your appreciation of the moment, the loud shrieking will be attributed to the latest thrash metal sensation. Most people tend to look away when couples are busily engaged in heavy petting -- so you should be fairly safe from interested observers.

Just be careful that the drunken idiot staggering past doesn't suddenly decide he fancies a threesome.

Please note that I haven't suggested any action in the toilets. This is sordid and disgusting since most toilets in pubs and clubs are less than hygienic late at night. You might be feeling drunk and horny, but you soon won't be when you slip in a puddle of vomit and find yourself in A&E with a broken leg.

7. Other weird and wonderful locations for the more discerning outdoor lover.

Now I can't claim to have tried any of these, but simply for novelty value they have to be worth a go! Feel free to test them out and let me know how you get along.

Zoo -- Who can resist the reptile house? Hot, steamy and guaranteed to arouse a girl with a passion for crocodile skin accessories!

Farm -- Haylofts and stables. Don't know about you, but all I need to do is think about a strapping young stable lad with a handy riding crop and I'm half way there already...

Theme Park -- Rollercoaster rides involving mutual masturbation and adrenaline. What a rush!

Planetarium -- Make her see stars while you both...see stars!

Theatre -- Enjoy a climactic final act guaranteed to raise the roof.

Restaurant -- Give her a creamy dessert before the starter is even over.

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Happy fornicating, folks!

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Authors note: This author accepts no responsibility for any nasty experiences resulting from taking my advice. All scenarios to be attempted at your own risk.

Oh yes, and since this a contest decided on votes, yours is always appreciated! :)