"I just can't give myself to someone like that."
Honestly, after she said that. I didn't know what to say.
Sara and I are taking care of our parents dogs.
Well, we waited until after Christmas to find internships for the summer, and that was a BIG mistake. Not the end of the world though, these aren't ordinary dogs. Fifteen of them.
These are 'world famous' show dogs, so we get paid really well when we do help. And they need help most of the time, we just don't really like doing it that much.
Since I can remember, my sister and I have been helping with these dogs. It is second nature to us, and I have this fear that thirty years from now I will still be in this house full of bitches (human and animal), showing fucking dogs. World Famous Dogs! WTF??
Anyways, Sara is with me, helping. It is a two person job when our parents are gone. She hit the same brick wall as me. She's sitting here in her tight fitting jeans and a man's shirt, hair pulled back, glasses, spilling her guts right now. This torrent of emotion coming from a girl who used to run barrel races perfectly. I never knew anyone stronger, or more invincible. What happened?
Her hair is pulled up and back, the way it always was when she was growing up, her mans shirt tucked in at the waist. Glasses, cause she's too lazy to put her contacts in, no make up. And right now, Miserable.
Is this going to be my summer? Her blathering on about nothing. When did she become so vulnerable, alone, sad. Pathetic.
So.......I'm sitting here nodding my head.
*********** It all goes something like this:
"I need to be better about giving him what he wants from me."
Me, "Why would you NEED to do that. Sara I don't think he......"
"Jason this is all so complicated as it is. It really is! I have spent my whole life being alone, needing nobody. I need to be more connected, let go."
Me, "But it doesn't sound like HE is there, emotionally for you. So why should you be there emotionally for him. You don't just give to give."
Did I just say all that?? I sounded like Oprah.
She harrumphed. "I...I love him,
What the fuck did that mean? I nod my head.
"And when I'm scared." She's holding her hand out flat now, waiting for the words.... "And I can't......" Head in hand dramatically.
"Does he love you?"
"Of course!! I was talking with Jessica, she made me realize that my being scared, is really in fact anger. That I am angry. That I shouldn't be angry, she says......"
"I don't think....."
"The FACT IS
FUCK! "Listen. Listen. LISTEN!" I take her hands and look at her.
"What if it's this Sara!" I paused for effect. "What if he's an ASSHOLE. What if he's distant cause he's an ASSHOLE. And you are angry because he's an ASSHOLE."
Silence. Now I see Anger in her eyes, for the first time. Hah!
And I continue, "It's not fair that YOU should have to be like this. Take control of your own life, have fun. Let go, but without the creep. Just stop it."
Wiping the tears now, "How can he be so fucking powerful? You're right, I shouldn't be this way, Jason I'm so sad. I start my days in tears. It hurts so much."
I nod my head.
And then she continues, "If what you are telling me is true. I don't know. Because, because it's always going to be this way. Relationships aren't supposed to be so difficult. Don't you understand, I deserve to be happy. I deserve normal. I shouldn't have to MAKE myself be someone's sexual partner... I should feel it, want it, to touch, love. I need that connection. Just even for just one second. I just so want....."
"You need to empty yourself of all these NEEDS Sara, you just have to let go."
And then she lept from her chair. "Don't you understand! That's what I can't do. I AM empty, completely empty - inside - and I'm broken. It's .... It's what I feel every fucking day. Nothing. Nothing feels real. And every time I think I'm free, I've finally gotten past all this, felt SOMETHING. every time, I find myself back HERE. Back to.....In the same place, feeling the same way. This is permanently inside my body, like a mark, this hand in my stomach ready to tear me to pieces."
"What? What is IT??"
She looked away for a long time.
"Every time I..... fuck, I want for it to feel, just to feel - to disappear I guess - I don't know. But...but, fucking just feels like I'm pushing back the emptiness. Not like being filled at all, not passion, just NOT empty. And, It feels so good in that moment.....but then it's gone again, that's why I get so attached. And as soon as he cums," she closed her eyes, through tears said, "that emptiness, is just so much worse, after, so.....it's becoming impossible for me Jason."
I looked away. Felt embarrassed, in those moments you hear more than you would like.
"It's getting so, I just can't give myself to someone like that."
About half the house is devoted to the dogs, separated by a wall that is accessed by a vestibule to control the smell and the sounds. A few of the dogs can come in the house, but most can't. The ones that are breeders can't. They have all their hormones and body parts, nothing snipped or clipped, so their animal natures are so much more than the normal house pet. A piece of wild in them.
Sara likes the dogs, she likes leaning into the cages and touching their noses and looking into their eyes.
She says they have secrets we can never know. Time with the dogs has been helping her. I mention she should go riding some. She was such a good horse racer until a fall injured her hip, but she could still ride for fun.
We have two kennels in the kitchen, and right now there is one standard poodle that can be in the house. Not good enough to be a breeder, but such a sweet little thing. She stays in one of the kennels at night, before we go to bed.
After a few weeks, Sara finally breaks up with asshole and that is a good thing. I decided to buy some nice wine for the evenings, thinking it might help relax her and shift her off those interminable conversations. I am good at cheering her up too, and the combination of wine and asshole being gone and the dogs is helping.
Thankfully, I am beginning to think the summer won't be ruined.
Sara is leaning against the table, sipping her wine and telling this story to me:
"I was riding the bus, and it was so crowed; the road was uneven and the bus weaving back and forth, back and forth. I just stood still in the middle of the bus, sardines in a can, and I let go. Just let all the people around me hold me up. I let my body press tight against this one guy, the movement of the bus letting me rub against him. I just let it happen. Gave in." She clapped her hands together, "That's my secret."
She had said she had a secret earlier in the day.
She was smiling. I noticed something about Sara that I never had before. I remember she tended to have boys in her life, quite a few actually, and that right now she did not. I gathered from casual conversation that she was sexually active, but I was beginning to realize just how active. In the absence of .... she was becoming like this little bitch in heat, and for whatever reason the various outlets were not producing anyone.
Her last breakup was bad, and her friends were trying, but this one thing she had said stuck in my mind:
'I just can't give myself to someone like that'
I think she was, underneath everything, acting on that fear.
The result though were these increasingly sexual stories, innuendo, and just sex talk in general coming from her, between us during the day. It didn't help that we were basically facilitating fucking amongst our harem of bitches over the past several weeks.
Watching them fuck while she's saying things like, "Bet she likes that." or, "He's got a nice cock on him." and "That's it. Fuck her Leave her." Her sexual talk was not overt, it was like the story she just had told me. I wasn't seeing anyone, and personally I think it is harder for a guy to meet a girl than a girl to meet a guy. Guys are like 'yeah sure' and girls are like 'I don't think so.' But I was cool with it.
This summer was hot too, humid; not that it mattered. But Sara's jeans were giving way to shorts and skirts, and her shirts were giving way to lighter blouses, T shirts.
So.....it was the first time I really noticed her figure, her breasts, the color of her skin, her cheeks. Her hair was still up, still the glasses, still no makeup. Some days she wore her jeans but then half tops with a bra where you can see the straps. I remembered wondering what she looked like with her hair down, I hadn't seen her that way for years. Probably didn't hurt that I wasn't getting any, the way I was looking at her now wondering, When did she let her hair down?' In her room?
Thinking, Did she sleep that way? I was picturing it all fallen in tresses down her back, spread out on the mattress of her bed.
She was asking me something, and I blinked my eyes, sipped a little more wine and looked at her.
"Jason! YOU been with any girls lately?"
I smiled, looked at my glass. "Ha!" I said. "I haven't seen pussy for so long, if I saw one I think I'd throw rocks at it."
She blushed and looked away. "Oh my God! I can't believe you just said that!"
I liked it, I surprised her. It just came out, it was in my head and made me laugh. Stuck in my memory.
I laughed too, "Well, S'true."
Then silence a while, the dog ran into the kitchen, it was getting late.
Sara cooing, "Princess! Oh Princess," as the dog pressed her head in Sara's hand and then ran right into the kennel. She knew the drill.
I leaned back and watched Sara as she walked over to the kennel, bent herself down and closed the door. Princess laying nice on her little blanket, water in the corner.
My attention drifted over to the other kennel, and I looked at it. I took a second look. The chrome bars were shiny, a little further apart than the one for Princess. In the middle of the door at the front was another door about a foot square, set in the upper half of the main door. And there were circles in the bars on either side with cuffs, leather cuffs. I looked through the bars and saw some leather cuffs at the back of the cage, larger cuffs. I sat forward and stared at the empty kennel.
"Where'd dad get that kennel?"
Sara looked back at me, "I think he said ebay."
She was looking now, at where I was staring.
"You notice anything different about it?"
"Look. There's a door in that big door there, at the front. That's kind of weird, don't you think."
"Smaller dog maybe."
I got up and pulled it away from the wall. "Small dog that gets in it from up here?" I opened the smaller door. "Sara. This.....this is a bondage cage."
"A cage for....the kind you buy from....an adult store. Here.....look. See these cuffs," I pushed my hand into the hole. "You get in and put your hand in there, like this." I extended my arm through. "You tighten these cuffs here, see! On the wrist."
Sara's eyes got wide. "It's not!" She was standing behind me. "Anyways. No one would fit in there. It's too small."
She was looking at the door, opening it. I continued, "I'm pretty sure." I went back sat in my chair and leaned back watching her, "Go ahead. Try it." Smiling now at my challenge.
Sara looked at me, then the kennel. I watched her blush a little. I watched her lean down, get on all fours and sort of turn herself around and back into the cage. She stopped, "See, I don't fit."
"You're not doing it right. You have to let your feet extend through the bars at the back. Yeah, like that."
She continued to back up slipping her feet between the bars. I felt my heart beat a little faster as I watched her backing up until her butt hit the back bars, and the top of her head touched the top of the cage.
I got up, swung the door closed on her.
Looking at Sara on all fours with her narrow waist and her half top hanging down from her belly, her tight jeans. God she had a nice waist. Her hair was still up, but damn.
She was looking up at me and I continued, "Now. Here, put your hands through these holes. Go on." She did it, and I tightened the cuffs around her wrists.
"See." She looked at herself, looked around from inside the cage. I could see her blushing. I watched the tips of her ears go red. My heart was beating a million miles a second, my hands trembled. She looked like nothing I had ever seen before, my little Sara in this cage, her hands tied. I sipped some of my wine, and backed up and just stared at her, walked around the bars, looking down at her from all sides. Her feet sticking out from behind.
She was sort of taking it in too, looking at herself, moving her hands, until "Ok. Funs over. Let me out."
But, I didn't answer, not right away. Instead I just squatted down at the door in front of her, and rather than open the main door, I opened the little door which was right at her face. It was obvious what this door was for. I opened it and looked at her through the opening, she smiled. I could see nervousness in her eyes though. She said, "Hi."
"Sara. I've wondered what you look like with your hair down."
"What?" She pulled a little at her arms, her hands nicely cuffed.
I reached my hands in to her through the little door as I said, "Here. Just.....Just let me," her eyes wide watching as I began to pull the clips and pins from her hair, letting it releaase around her shoulders.
She was turning her head a little, sort of trying to move away but not really too far to move, so she stopped, submitting herself to me and let me do it. I watched her hair fall, the way it framed her face. It was long, really long, hanging down around her shoulders, down around her arms. Her brown hair nearly touched the bottom of the cage.
"You should wear your hair down more," I heard myself say.
I felt an erection rising in my pants, and I stayed squatting in front of her. I could feel it extending down my leg, "And, those glasses."
I reached in again and took them off. "I can't see," was all she said.
"You really look nice."
"Jason, let me out of this."
I got up, walked around her one more time.
"Jason. This is not funny. Jason!"
The image of her body in that cage, the chrome bars framing her. Standing above her, over her; her on her knees, her long hair. The narrowness of her waist, the way her jeans pulled at her ass exposing her bare back. My ears burned, I loved the way her cheeks flushed. I loved looking at her mottled cheeks. My little Sara.
I padded around to the front of the cage again and finally undid the collars, she slipped her hands out, feeling her wrists.
I paused, still mesmerized.
"Jason, the door!" I noticed the door had a screen over the lock mechanism. Even though there was no lock the door could not be opened from inside.
"Sorry. I thought you could....."
I unlatched the door and she crawled out, was standing again. Her hair now down around her shoulders. I gave her her glasses.
I watched her breathing, a light pant. Her lips were full. She looked away, all shy just then.
"Just kidding around," I said. In that moment she seemed so aroused.
I watched her looking back at the kennel, then kick the door closed, and then shoving it against the wall with her foot.
Well, that kennel stared at us day and night, taunting us as we sat there after that. I could not look at it without thinking of Sara on her knees inside, and I know that she was thinking the same thing.
For days afterwards she went on how she could not imagine how anyone could be into that kind of thing, how weird it all was, how sick. And then, how ridiculous. I didn't say anything, but just the mention of it resulted in a flush, and wave of pleasure for me. In truth, I thought I sensed a bit of excess 'disgust' in Sara, sort of like smokers who have recently quit - how ANTI-smoking they become. Meaning: How much they really want that next cigarette. But I just nodded my head.
I honestly don't think I had ever experienced such an erotic moment as that evening, now several weeks ago. I was ashamed to realize that Sara had also become the object of my evening masturbation sessions, it was true. Too true.
Try as I might to focus my thoughts away from that kennel, from her; when the moment came, that delicious release, there she was with that little door opening to her mouth, and my little Sara looking at me with her red full lips and hair down around her face.
And, God Oh God, so good......cumming on my bed, followed by this wave of guilt.
"I was downtown today and there were these kids wearing blue T shirts with clipboards. Anyways, I'm just sitting having some coffee and one of the blue kids goes up to this guy and says 'Do you have a moment for the environment?' The guy is like, 'What??' And the blue kid says, 'Do you have a moment for the environment?' The guy is really agitated now, says, 'What the fuck you talking about?' Blue kid is nervous now, 'Uh, We're working to reduce mercury emissions?' To which the guys says, anger in his voice, 'What the fuck do I care about Mercury; Son, this is Earth we're on,' and walks away."
I'm laughing now, "Sooooo stupid."
Sara is laughing, "People are stupid."
Tonight was a fun evening, we had some food in the oven and not unnoticed by me, Sara had been wearing her hair down once in awhile. Tonight it was down. God she looked good.
Still laughing, Sara says, I was at the station and this guy is talking to, probably his girlfriend saying, 'The shit won't go away! I put that cream on my dick like they said, it's still there!' She's like, 'Did you put it on more than once?' He's like, 'You have to put it on more than once? They never said that.' She says, 'Honey everyone knows you have to put cream on more than once no matter where you put it.'" Tears were streaming down her face as she recalled this, she's clutching her glass of wine, laughing. "So stupid."
We were just in that kind of mood.
"Or, how about things that like make no sense at all. No matter how often you think about it, you can never figure out what they meant. I love to listen to cell phone conversations, people on the street thinking they are like totally alone. One time, this guy says 'Seriously, you are being ridiculous. You need to calm the fuck down. You still have two more stops and what are your expectations with that outfit?' So like what the fuck does that mean?"
"I have no idea. Maybe she's a hooker. I was talking to Jessica the other day, she's breaking up with HER boyfriend now. Believe it or not, your story reminded me of....."
"She broke up with him..... cause of a blow job."
"True! I guess she gave him like this really really good blow job and after he says it was one of the five best blow jobs he'd ever had. She asks - obviously - the five best of the ones I've given you, or the five best EVER. And this guy, the guy is like stammering, and she threw him out. Broke up with him right there."
"Him or her. Like what would she expect, that this guy never had nothing happen before." I went and poured another, checked the oven. "Almost ready."
"No, I. Both I guess."
There was a pause, Sara looking at me, playing with the rim of her wine glass. "Jason?"