The King Pt. 01: A Beginning

Not bad

Editing aside, I enjoyed it although I immediately picked up some nuances that reminded me of the Three Square Meals story by Tefler, which I also enjoy. If you haven't read it then don't until you're done. If you have, then just be aware of it.more...

Great imagination and story line, poor writing/editing.

Definitely keep writing as your imagination deserves an audience. Unfortunately this story was dragged down by poor writing and editing. It needed 2+ serious editing passes. There is/are poor paragraph structure, incorrect structuring of dialogue mechanics, incorrect words, and while some of your ideas allow us to suspend disbelief, some do not. It may be hard to find good editors for erotic material in your real life, but your work needs it, so make a request on your profile and in these comments, and keep asking. If you find authors here whose work you like, send them a message and ask them. One will eventually say yes. Unlike some stories that aren't worth the trouble (badly written/edited but also poor or unimaginative premises), you have some raw storytelling talent. Get editors and keep at it.more...

More

I need more. It was just getting good.

Need to continue this story

Just when I thought the story was getting good it stopped. We need more.

Nice work.