The Knowing Ch. 07

Jaan nodded, "I understand."

They finished their cigarettes just as a group of people came out onto the balcony.

"Lets go inside?" she whispered into his ear.

They probably stood inside for 15 minutes before she dragged him into the apartment hallway and started kissing him. She moved them to the closed stairway, her movements feverish. Before he knew it she was unbuckling his pants and was sucking his dick as he sat on the steps.

It was a damn good blow job, in his mind he had a vision of the best blowjob he had ever had locked away, but this one came close. As she sucked him, and pulled him into her mouth, moaning and caressing his balls he ran a hand through her hair. He let his head fall back, and his mind go blank. The best and worst part of having sex after divorce was the blankness, or at least, this particular blankness that he felt, where he could suspend all emotion and just feel. Her mouth was soft, her lips moist and he could feel the occasional light graze of her teeth against his dick. She was liberal with her saliva, and Jaan could see it dripping out the side of her mouth onto his dick and into her hands. He could tell she was horny, and he stroked her hair back grazing her scalp tenderly. It made the moment perhaps a bit too intimate. In the end she swallowed all of his cum, greedily licking after his dick, and making a big show of licking her lips when she was done.

She leaned in close to him and they kissed. Jaan reached a hand up her dress and into the front of her tights and touched her soaking wet pussy. She moaned loudly, carelessly as he finger fucked her. He pulled her tights all the way down and ate her pussy her moans getting even louder and louder. He worked her for a while until she came, rubbing her tits and crying. Afterward they kissed slowly and she leaned her head on his shoulder and cried for a few more minutes. Jaan held her quietly in the apartment stairwell and understood her pain though he didn't want to be there a moment longer. When she finished crying she laughed, apologized, and they exchanged numbers. Jaan told her he had ridden his bike over and so he should really head back and she smiled, nodded and apologized again. She had texted him two times that week, both of which Jaan summarily ignored. He was tired of these hook-ups, but enjoyed the sex even though most of it was sad or sloppy.

The coffee shop in midtown was surprisingly packed for a Tuesday midmorning; Jaan stood in the long line and waited. Was he hungry or did he just want coffee? After 15 minutes when he finally got to the counter he decided on a coffee and a shot of espresso to wake him up and then a bagel, which looked dry and stale in the window display. He could take it home, and toast it with some butter and maybe an egg later if he was feeling up to it.

He downed the shot of Espresso as soon as it came to him at the counter. When he received his coffee he lingered, pouring way too much sugar into it, and sipping it while staring out the window. When he was nearly finished, he turned around and started walking toward the door before he heard someone call his name.

"Jaan!" he looked around. Had he heard it?

"Jaan!" he heard again, and then he saw a large hand waving in the air, leading down to a face he hadn't seen in 2 years.

Sanchez.

Jaan smiled broadly, feeling excited for the first time in a very very long time. Sanchez stood up and crossed the area of the café in four long legged paces, arms outstretched. They hugged tightly, with Jaan tripping over backpacks to reach him. One of those hugs that only someone who has known you most of your life can give you. Sanchez pulled away first, holding Jaan back so he could look at him fully. "Damn man, you look terrible!" he said laughing, but then pulled him in for another hug.

"Why didn't you answer my e-mail? I sent you a few telling you I would be here." Sanchez held onto Jaan's shoulders and looked into his eyes. "I know I mean, I know about..." Sanchez trailed off

Jaan had told Sanchez off handedly that he was getting a divorce in an e-mail last year, but they hadn't discussed it yet. They didn't talk frequently, but tried to stay in touch.

After college Sanchez had played professional basketball in Europe. He had had a pretty solid career, playing for teams in France and the Ukraine, where he met his partner, now husband, a basketball player from Cameroon whom played on the same team with him in the Ukraine, but was a huge star in France- where he had begun his career. His name was Yves St. Germaine Eyenga, and he wasn't out yet- well he hadn't been out when they met. It took a few years, but he publicly outed himself to a magazine in France a few weeks before their marriage. It had been two years now. Their ceremony was a quiet one attended only by their siblings, in London, where they now lived together in a small flat in Notting Hill.

The last time Jaan had seen Sanchez was at the beginning of his marriage, right when Jaan was beginning to realize that his was ending.

"What are you doing here?" Jaan asked, "Jesus your hair!"

He nearly bald. If at all possible it made his striking face even more striking now that it was totally unobstructed.

"Yea," he passed a hand over his buzz cut. "Right after I saw you last. Fuck, Jaan how are you? Jaan, we really should talk more."

Sanchez walked Jaan over to the stool he was sitting at near a window on the other side of the coffee shop from where Jaan had been standing. Jaan sat and looked at Sanchez. He looked happy, radiant. In their last e-mail he had sent a few pictures, and asked how Jaan was doing but he never answered, he was afraid to tell Sanchez the truth.

"Where is Yves? What are you doing here?"

Sanchez took a sip of his coffee and passed a bit of it to Jaan. Jaan missed this. The openness of being with Sanchez, the way he shared, "Taste that, I don't know what I think."

Jaan paused, took a sip and shrugged, "Sugar."

"That sweet tooth of yours Jaan." He laughed and shook his head, "I came to visit. It was Santiago's birthday last week, and I haven't been home in a while, I wanted to see everyone. They've got 3 kids now isn't that crazy? All the way out there in Colorado. I don't even know how they do it. Then you know I went back home to see the parents, and I've been around the city here. Jaan don't avoid me, how have you been?"

Jaan looked at him, he shrugged again and took another sip of his own coffee and then a sip of Sanchez's, "I'm fine."

Sanchez laughed at him, a full out bold laugh that had other people in the shop looking in their direction. "What kind of bullshit is that? Tell me something don't tell me nothing."

"I don't know what to do with myself." Jaan looked out the window.

"What happened to the magazine?"

"I sold it, well I sold my stake."

"So...?"

"So now I never have to work again, I'm divorced, and I have no idea what to do next."

Sanchez nodded his head silent for a minute, "How do you spend your days?"

"Riding my bike, sitting in the park."

"You look thin Jaan."

Jaan looked out the window again. He felt it then, right then, that pang in his chest. He was lonely. "I eat." he forced a laugh.

"Do you sleep?"

"Rarely" that was the other thing. He hadn't had a real good night sleep in years. He started having sleeping problems 3 years ago and was too afraid to go to the doctors and get sleep aide's, so he just struggled with an irregular sleeping pattern that left him intermittently tired and energized.

"Jaan you look..."

"Have you seen Santos?" Jaan asked suddenly. She was the only one he hadn't mentioned.

Sanchez nodded, "Yes, of course." Then he looked at Jaan seriously for a moment before breaking into a smile, "Do you want to see her?"

Jaan jerked his head away from the window to stare back at Sanchez, "Why would I want to see Santos?"

Sanchez threw his head back and laughed again, drawing attention from the other customers, "Damn! I can't believe you two are still doing this!"

"Doing what?" Jaan sat up straight on the stool. There was no way... Did he know?

"Pretending like whatever happened didn't happen."

And there it was. Someone knew. Jaan had only ever talked to one other person about Santos. In the month he spent with his mother after his divorce he had finally said it out loud. Maybe it was spending all that time in his old bedroom. The way he felt like he could still smell her on his sheets 20 years later, the way he remembered how they would sometimes share his small twin bed, the way that sometimes after practice she would wait in his room while he took a shower and then brush his tangled hair when he came out, parting it into two braids playfully, the way he would fuck her roughly on the carpet in his room, once so hard she got rug burn on ass, the way he fucked her off the side of his bed once or fucked her while she bent over his desk. Just the way they were then. One night, he had spent the night in his mom's room like when he was child and he said it out loud out of nowhere.

"Do you remember Santos?" he asked tentatively.

"Who's that? Sanchez's sister?" she said

"We had a thing once."

His mom turned to look at him, "You and Santos?"

"Yea."

"I only remember that Cerra girl"

"There was Santos too, before her."

"You never told me about it."

"I think it was because-" He stopped for a moment, "I was in love with her."

"So what happened?"

"We were in high school."

After that, his mom tried asking him a few more questions but he hadn't been up to that. It had been exhausting for him to even admit that much out loud to his mother. Now he was sitting in this café with his best friend from high school who's sister he was in love with and he was admitting to him that he knew all along that they were sleeping with each other.

"How did you know?"

"Well," Sanchez started with a laugh, "you sure weren't quiet."

"What!" Jaan was shocked. How had he spent 20 years believing that no one had ever figured them out?

"You remember- I'm sure you remember, that Santos' room was right near the bathroom. A few nights I went to the bathroom and heard moaning. I just figured well, you know, she's alone. But then one night, I heard your laugh, I thought I must be crazy, but then I heard it again a few other nights. Finally, one night I snuck out and saw your bike under her window. That's when I knew for sure. I thought, maybe you two wanted to keep it a secret or something? So I never mentioned it but I paid attention. You were always so, nervous around her when I was there, but then I would see you two interacting, when you thought I wasn't watching and it was so obvious the way you looked at her. I mean you did do a pretty good job of hiding it, but then I mean no one would've ever guessed either. It must've ended sometime after I left for college but I had no idea how serious it was until I saw how you were looking at her at the wedding"

Jaan looked at him. "Man, that was 9 or 10 years ago"

"Yea. You should go visit her."

Jaan laughed, "She wouldn't want to see me."

"She would, I mean, if you call her ahead of time she'll avoid you but if you just show up she'll be alright."

"How is she?"

"Busy, with Biko and work."

Biko? Busy? Jaan mulled it over in his mind, "I don't want to bother her."

"Shut up Jaan." Sanchez said laughing. "Just go," Sanchez pulled out his phone and typed something in it. "I just sent you an email with her address and number. Go on Sunday, she'll be free on Sunday."

"This Sunday?" he said.

"Yes just go, knock on her door." Sanchez was giving him that smile.

"On Sunday?" Jaan asked. Sanchez rolled his eyes laughing.

"Go."