The Last Goodbye

"And all our years of marriage meant-"

"Absolutely nothing, Lew. You ever hear the old expression, what have you done for me lately? You weren't bad, not really great, but at least you tried, when we got married. But for most of our marriage, you haven't even tried very hard You're pitiful. You don't know that I knew you were jerking off watching those Cinemax movies? Instead of coming into bed and rolling me over and fucking me like a husband, you were jerking off like a little boy in the den. You disgust me."

Norm starts to say something, and I say, "Shut up, Norm. Okay, Mona. That's straight talk. Thanks for letting me know where I stand. I could argue about your interpretation. It's hard to get really hot or be masterful when your wife treats you like a piece of furniture and as far as rolling you over, I was never much into marital rape. And, I had no idea that's what turned you on."

I rub my chin, as if thinking for a minute, then say, "I'm going to be leaving now. I wouldn't feel safe going to sleep around either one of you. But now, I know how you were able to screw around without worrying about being caught. Norm, you were paying off the entrance guards to tip you off if I came in, right? Unfortunately, you didn't spread the grease around widely enough. They had a new man on tonight, and he didn't know to give you a heads up.

"And, that makes me realize that there are going to be enough loose ends that I'll be able to find evidence of your affair. Mona, I'm going to find a judge who's been burned by a cheating wife, and I'm going to rip you a new asshole as big as I can. No alimony, as little of my assets as humanly possible. You were an attorney once, so I'm sure you can find a job somewhere, probably with Normie's new firm. But your society volunteering days are behind you, plus I'll do as much as I can to spread the word about your activities, so you might not be as welcome in polite society."

She just stares at me. I'm sure she's already seen that coming. She was always smart. Top of her class, in fact. Just below me.

I turn to my former partner and friend.

"As for you, old buddy, I know this penny ante attorney shit has never been your goal. It's always been a means to an end. You're a political animal. I know you've been grooming the Hunts, the big money banking family, for years, to back your run for State Attorney. I know you've been hitting on that big tittied Gayle Hunt who runs the bank, but I doubt she'd ever have anything to do with a toad like you.

"Well, you have to know the Hunts and the people they work with are very moral types, goes back to the deceased grandpa who got them going. When this scandal gets out there, I think your chances of getting any money from the Hunts is going to be nil. So while you get to continue fucking my wife, who by the way isn't anywhere near as young or stacked as you usually like them, you can kiss your political dreams goodbye. It's not as satisfying as cutting your dick off, but it will have to do."

Mona stands up and drops her robe. She's still got an amazing body.

"So that's your revenge, you miserable little wimp. You're going to make me go back to work? And you're going to make Norm hustle a little harder for his political seed capital? I shudder to think what you'd do if you were really pissed off. Give us paper cuts or something like that?"

She walks up to me, tits bouncing, and stands there, hands on luscious hips.

"You want to know why I fucked Norm? This is why. You don't have any blood in your veins, you miserable jerk. Any normal man would have kicked Norm's ass. Any normal man would either beat me or throw me down and fuck my brains out.

"But, oh no, not you. You just stand there cool and calm and collected when you find out your wife has been cheating on you for a year. You don't scream, you don't shout, you don't cry.

"And that's because you really don't care. You never loved me, did you. It was just a marriage that allowed you to get all the free ass you had an appetite for without having to go out and wine and dine some poor damn bitch and get her out of her pants."

I am so damned proud of myself, as I manage to smile at her, and I love the expression on her face as my words sink in.

"I always knew you were a smart girl, Mona. No, I don't love you. Looking back, I guess I never did. That's why it was so easy to let it slip away, because deep down I never really gave a damn. It was just easier being married to you than going to all the trouble of divorcing you. And honestly, I came harder jerking off watching those hard bodied sluts on Cinemax than I ever did in your cunt. You're really not in their league."

I turn and walk to the door, but I have to get one last shot in. There is a strange expression on her face, and since I now know that she doesn't give a damn about me, it's hard to tell why she looks so unhappy.

"I don't really care that you two were screwing your brains out. But, I'm sure too many people already know about it. I will not be made the butt of jokes -- the dumb husband whose wife and partner are laughing while they fuck him over - among our friends, other lawyers, people we work with.

"I'm going to divorce your ass, Mona, and I'm going to do my best to ruin you, Norm, to salvage my pride. That's the only reason I give a damn what either of you do. And now, I hope you two have really miserable, short, shitty lives. Bye."

#################################

I'm still fiddling frantically with the radio controls trying to get somebody, anybody. The rain is coming down harder, which is going to screw up what little radio reception I might get. The wind is starting to whip the lightweight Cessna up and down like a badminton ball. It's getting almost too dark to see which means in a few minutes I'll be hurtling to the ground blind.

I have no hope of survival now. This is a tough little bird. Made in 1984, and so, it's a quarter century old, but it's been well maintained. It's not tough enough to survive an unplanned encounter with the ground, though.

Why the fuel gauge shows up empty in the middle of nowhere I'll never know. Hopefully mom or Cyndi -- oh hell, she's not my wife yet, so she won't have legal grounds to sue, but Mom can -- will take the small private airfield where the Cessna was fueled and maintenanced to court and give them a legal enema.

Somebody screwed up big time. Either they didn't bother to check the fuel gauge to make sure it wasn't giving a false 'full' reading resulting in its sucking air 400 miles from home, or they allowed trash or debris to get into the fuel lines where it's clogged and choked off the supply of fuel to the engine.

I hope Mom will enjoy a wealthy final few years, both from my estate and a whopping big judgement against the air field. I hope Cyndi will forgive me for doing something stupid like getting myself killed two weeks before our wedding. God, that sucks worse than anything else.

But all of that will go on without me and it's all academic now, anyway. The only thing that really matters, the only thing I have any control over, is the next few minutes or seconds and whether anyone will hear me in my last moments.

Time shifts again.

###################################

I whisper to Ken Klavius, who is representing me in the never-ending struggle to shed my former wife's presence in my life. It's been a year. Divorces NEVER take a year.

"What the hell is she up to this time?"

He gives me a tight, grim smile.

"God only knows, Lew. When you hired me and told me your wife was another lawyer, I figured that might pose a few problems. But this has turned into a Goddamned War of the Roses. I'm starting to have nightmares about what she's going to come up with next.

"So far we've had abuse, mental abuse, legal abuse, conspiracy, inter-state commerce- although I still don't understand her argument about that, and I don't think the judge does either - the fourth amendment, 14th amendment, the still unpassed ERA...."

Then, he gives me a look that convinces me he's only half joking.

"Is there any chance you'd consider a reconciliation -- just to make this damned case to go away?"

"Not while there's breath in my body. Or rather, over my dead body."

"All rise."

We stand and an unfamiliar figure steps through the doorway from the judge's chambers. It's not Circuit Judge Katherine Holden, who has been hearing most of the motions. This is a man I'm not familiar with in these kinds of cases. But, I know him.

It's Judge Herman Herring, the "Hanging Judge' from the Criminal Division. Standing at his side is his bailiff, a former ex-con named Charlie Case. He's almost literally as big as a house and has muscles where most normal humans don't. He's a friend and bodyguard to Herring, who has had some of the hottest criminal cases to come down the Jacksonville Judicial Circuit over the last 20 years.

But what the fuck is Herring doing hearing a divorce case?

Klavius gets up and approaches Case. They whisper back and forth, while Herring looks through papers. He comes back with an amazed look on his face.

"Herring and Holden used to be an item before they had an amicable split about a year ago. She asked him, as a personal favor to take this case. Case says she told Herring if she had to hear one more motion from your wife, she thought she was going to leap over the bench and strangle her. Quote unquote."

There's a noise from behind me, and as I look around, I see Mona coming in. What pisses me off even moreso is that she's insisted on keeping her married name. She's dressed in a smart, very legal looking blue blouse and skirt. What I hate is that I would still insure that ass for a million, even knowing what she's done with it.

She sits at the desk to the side of Klavius and myself. Herring clears his throat and addresses her.

"Ms. Walters, I presume."

"Yes, your honor."

"I have been made aware of the -- tortuously -- long history of this case and told that you have yet ANOTHER motion to present today. Is that correct?"

"Yes, your honor."

He gives her a glance said to reduce hardened hitmen to blubbering wretches and says, "Would you care to inform the court of the nature of that motion. And please, Ms. Walters, be concise. You realize, I hope, that you are nearing a local, if not statewide, record for one of the longest divorce proceedings on record."

"Yes, I know that, your honor. I also know, of course, that as the presiding judge of the Smithright contract murder case which lasted 18 months and is still the longest criminal proceeding outside a grand jury case in this nation, you understand that sometimes justice must move slowly to obtain equitable results."

Herring's eyes open wide, and Case can only barely stop himself from laughing. I sit there dumbfounded. My soon-to-be ex-wife who has been a practicing attorney for only a couple of years has just put one of the toughest criminal judges in the country back on his heels. I think I must have died and gone to Hell.

"Anyway, Your Honor,I have just come into possession of a new piece of evidence that has bearing on this case. It is an audio recording. I ask permission to play it for this court."

"To what end?"

"After it is played, I will present a motion to the court, and a proposal to Mr. Walters. If he accepts it and the court accedes, I think it will allow this case to finally come to a close."

Klavius puts his head in his hands and says softly, "Thank God."

I nudge him.

"Ask her what kind of audio recording she has."

"Your honor, may we ask before she presents it, the nature of this recording?

Mona looks at me with the smile a cat would present to a canary it was getting ready to swallow.

"This is a recording, your honor, made nearly a year ago of a telephone call between Mr. Walters and his mother, Mrs. Justine Walters. "

I know what it is and Klavius can't keep me from bouncing to my feet and starting toward the bitch.

"She can't play that recording," I scream. "That is privileged, personal communication. I don't know how the hell she got it, but it's not hers."

I'm at her table reaching for the tape when my arms are pinned to my side and there is no way in hell I can free myself. I can sense Case's huge body behind me.

There's an uproar, and I hear Herring shout, "Mr. Klavius, get your client under control before I send his ass to jail. Charlie, put him back at his table."

Case seats me at the table beside Klavius and stands over me to make sure I don't move. Despite his size, I'm thinking of some way to hit him in the balls and incapacitate him long enough to reach the tape.

Holden is asking Mona, "Do you have the legitimate authority to possess that tape, Ms. Walters?"

She holds out a document.

"I have here a signed and notarized statement from Mrs. Walters, who heard and recorded the conversation, that it is here with her permission. As I'm sure you're aware, under Florida law an individual can tape a telephone conversation without the second party's knowledge or consent."

Good old mom.

"Let me see it," Herring says, but I interrupt him.

"Don't bother, your honor. I concede that it's from my mother. Let her play the damned thing."

Herring looks at me strangely for a moment, then asks in a gentler voice, "Would you rather we play it in chambers with just myself, counsel and yourself there?"

"Who cares. No, I know what's on it. And it doesn't really matter who else hears it. It won't change anything."

"Ms. Walters, would you play the tape. Loudly enough that I can hear it. My ears aren't what they were in my 20s."

"Yes, your honor."

"...is that you Lewis? So you finally return my call? Where have you been. I've been calling you all day."

"I was probably out at several bars getting stinking drunk, mom. To be honest. Sorry."

"Lewis, what in the world is going on down there. I got a call from Mona that I couldn't believe. She said you've left her and told her you're getting a divorce? I can't believe that."

"Believe it."

"But why? I thought you two were happy. I know it was terrible that you couldn't have kids, but you'd moved past that."

"I left her because I caught her fucking another guy."

"Lewis Walters! Watch your mouth. I'm your mother. And I refuse to believe she would do that."

"I'm sorry Mom. But it's true. I caught her in bed with Norman, my partner. And she told me they'd been having an affair for a year. For a solid, fucking year. Not a one night stand. Not a temporary affair. But one year!"

" I...I..I don't know what to say, son. I'm so sorry."

"So am I. So am I."

"....She said that she still loves you and doesn't want to lose you."

"How do you love someone and fu-sleep with another man for a year? And she's already lost me. There's no going back, mom. I know you liked her. Hell, I loved her, but there's no way."

"Son, Lewis...she said she thought you were divorcing her because you didn't love her anymore. Actually, she said she thought that maybe you never loved her. That you just married her for -- sex. For convenience."

"The miserable lying bitch."

"Did you tell her that, Lew? That you'd never loved her at all?"

"...Yeah, I did mom. Right after she told me she'd been having great sex with my partner for a year and that I wasn't half the man he was and that I didn't do it in bed for her anymore and she basically laughed at me, mom. She laughed.

"You would have been proud of me. I didn't strangle her. I didn't take out a gun and blow her brains out, all of which occurred to me.

"I just lied and told her I'd never loved her. I wanted to hurt her the way she was hurting me. Not that I can see why it would have hurt her, because no way in hell could she feel anything for me and do what she did."

"I don't understand any of this, Lew, but when she told me she loved you, I believed her."

"(sound of crying) Then if she loves me, and I know I love her even though I don't want to, we're two really fucked up individuals. Look mom, I can't talk anymore. I'll call you later...."

There is absolute silence in the courtroom. I have never been in an absolutely silent courtroom. I have never been around so many people trying so hard not to feel pity for me. I feel like sliding under the table and holding my breath until everything goes away.

I want to hate my mother, but I know why she did it. She's being a mother, trying to the very end to help her son. When I called her the way her phone system is set up, the call was automatically recorded. She had picked up just after the recording kicked in and it continued to tape as we talked.

When she realized she had a tape I know her motherly brain started working on how she could use it to help bring her two favorite people on earth back together again despite themselves. I know that she held off giving it to Mona because she knew it would hurt me. But when she thought we'd never get back together again, she gave it to Mona. The nuclear bomb of divorce cases. But, she can't help me here.

I make myself look up at Mona. I don't know what I expect to see. Triumph. Revenge. She's proven that she won the exchange. She ripped off my balls and made me not so much a man anymore, and my attempt at revenge was revealed as a petulant act. I loved her, and she obviously didn't love me. One up for her. Big deal.

I break the silence.

"Congratulations, Mona. If I haven't said it before, you're a hell of a lot better attorney than I ever gave you credit for being. Maybe you're going to win here today, maybe you'll get your ruling, whatever it is. Maybe you'll keep this dragging on for the next 10 years. But one thing will never change. I will never take you back. We will never be together again."

She ignores me and speaks to Herring.

"Your honor, can I now present my motion."

Herring looks down at his paperwork, as if embarrassed by what he's heard. He's undoubtedly more comfortable hearing people confess to stabbing and bludgeoning each other than this kind of romantic crap.

"Yes, go ahead."

She stands up and moves toward Herring at the bench.

"Your honor, I'll concede that I've thrown up every possible roadblock to prevent my husband from divorcing me. I've probably wasted the time and resources of the court, but I was fighting for something very precious to me; the man that I love and a chance to have a life with him again.

"Without going into too much detail, as the tape indicates, I engaged in a year-long adulterous affair with another man. I have no excuse for that, although I had what I thought were reasons. I thought my marriage was a lie and a sham and that a man I loved did not love me any longer, if he ever had. There was another man, an exciting man and a wonderful lover, who wanted me. I gave myself to him.

"When my husband discovered us, I said the things he mentioned on the tape. I said those things to try to hurt him, to enrage him. Because I was making one last, final attempt to force him to demonstrate any kind of feelings for me. I thought that if those statements did not arouse his anger, did not move him to demonstrate any desire for me, then I was right all along and we simply didn't have a marriage any longer.

"You've heard his comments on the tape. He told me had never loved me, that he did not love me. He confirmed what I had feared. But as the tape also confirms, those statements were lies. I have no assurance that he could ever forgive me for what I did, but I do know now that despite his words, he did love me. I think he still does.

"All I'm asking, your honor, is that you order Mr. Walters as a condition of his divorce to undergo 10 counseling sessions with me. If at the end of those 10 sessions he still wants a divorce, I'll stipulate that he be given the divorce. No more fighting, no more motions. I'll just walk away."