The Laws of God

God's Law, if you want to believe that. I see them for what they are.

These are laws written by the leader of a band of refugees to keep order amongst his people and to unite them to a common cause and set of beliefs that would allow him to effectively lead them around for 40 years, lost in the desert. In order to have any effect those laws had to appear to come from a higher being. A being that could be used explain all the things we didn't understand. To make you take responsibility for your actions. "You broke the law. God is angry. That is why your cow was killed by lions." And to give credit for the good things that befall you, because surely as stupid as you are you could have never done it on your own. "Your crops grow full and bountiful. God is smiling upon you. You will have a place in heaven at the foot of God."

This has been the same since the first primitive man saw some natural occurrence that he couldn't explain, for instance lightning striking his favorite fig tree. Primitive man didn't know science, he barely knew how to communicate and walk upright. How the hell was he supposed to know about static electricity and lightning? When a volcano erupted and incinerated his family his only explanation was that the earth was mad at him and took revenge for whatever transgression he had made on the unwritten law. So he sought to appease it. And it must have been hungry because it ate his woman and his offspring. Hmmmm... Maybe if he fed it once in a while... And maybe if he wrote some of those laws down... Well, once he learns to write.

Without these laws Moses would have lost control of the Israelites, especially those that were born outside of slavery. If not for that control they would have all perished in the desert while he wandered around lost for 40 years. Fear and praise are the two best ways to keep a group of people in line. He used them to the best of his ability.

While many of these laws are mere common sense for a civilized man, the larger part of them is simply to keep the people in fear, and thus, under control.

"... for I, the Lord thy God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me; And showing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments."

Says it all doesn't it? "Fuck with me and I will destroy you, your children, your grandchildren and your Great grandchildren. Do as I say and I'll give you satin robes and gold belts and you can live in the most beautiful city you can imagine for all eternity."

Why would I follow you after that? "Love me or be damned forever. Serve me or suffer. Worship me or die. If I said that to a woman, I'd have a restraining order slapped on me. Yet, Christians don't seem to see that side of things. That's what you call "Blind Faith". I find it ironic that they compare themselves to sheep.

Commandments 1-4 These are the boasts of a spoiled, arrogant, childish bully. Not a "Benevolent God".

1. Thou shalt have no other gods before me. (Read: I am king of the hill and you can't beat me. So now you'll do what I say, or else.) But you said you are the one true god and there are no others. If there are no other gods, how could I have one before you? If they don't exist why would you worry about them? That's a moot point, the Christians will tell you. The point is that you should worship their god or you are going to burn in hell. Even though the Catholic Church admitted years ago the they made up the whole "Fire and Brimstone" version of hell. And By the way; Satan is not a red guy with a goatee, horns, goats legs and a tail. Again, the Catholics made that up. But the Catholics are good about lying to "protect" their flock. Not long ago, they allowed the Shroud of Turin to be carbon dated. The test showed conclusively that the fabric of the shroud was from the 13^th century. What? They didn't tell you? Why am I not surprised?



2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth: Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the Lord thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me; And showing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments. (Read: Don't take my picture, it will steal my spirit.) "I want you to bow down and worship me but I don't want you to know what you are worshipping. Follow me blindly, for you would not follow me otherwise." Kinda reminds you of an AOL chat room doesn't it? Hmmm.... ".Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath...But in a few years I'm gonna send you my son, (as far as you know) and I want you to plaster his image all over everything. He's going to be crucified, so I want you to place crosses all over the land for everyone see. Not just in churches. I want you to wear them around your neck on a chain, symbolic of the chains of slavery that tie you to that cross. I want you to hang them in your house, in your car, plant 50 foot tall versions on hilltops near highways. I want you to knock on peoples doors and sell them." But you said not to make images of anything in heaven or earth to worship. I'm confused.


Oh, and we're made in his image so we better not look at ourselves either. Better cover up and hide our bodies lest we worship them in his honor and run afoul again.


3. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain: for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain. (Read: "I don't want you just throwing my name around behind anything and everything because then it will become a joke and lose its power.") My name is Bill and you had best hold that name in reverence out of respect for me or I'll kill every damned one of you. There. Now I'm a god. Bow down and worship me. I'm still laughing at the fact he was arrogant enough to make this a law.



4. Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou labor, and do all thy work: But the seventh day is the sabbath of the Lord thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates: For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day, and hallowed it. (Read: Everything you do in your life you shall attribute to me. But every Sunday you will spend the entire day on your knees, bitch.) And you will suck my dick, and your daughters will suck my dick and your men will fuck each other in the ass whether they like it or not. And you will like it because I command it. This is how you shall rest. Actually, this was so Moses could be assured of one day a week that he didn't have to listen to everybody bitching. Just point to the tablets and say, "Aren't you supposed to be resting? I know I am. Now get out of my tent and leave me alone."


Commandments 5, 6 and 8 These are common sense but are somewhat contradictory to the "God" of the bible. These three make sense and I have to agree with them in general. But...


5. Honor thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee. (Read: Listen to your parents, they're trying to get you to adulthood in one piece.) And in the process they will ram me down your throat until it chokes you. And they'll teach you how to ram it down your friend's throats, just in case their parents are heathens. Because I am god and everyone will bow down to me or suffer for eternity. And it's your job to save as many of them as you can. I know, I know. If I hadn't damned them all to start with, you wouldn't have to spend your whole life trying to save them. And yes, I know, if I hadn't put that tree there to start with they wouldn't have eaten from it. Alright, already! Yes, it's true, if I didn't want them to have free will I shouldn't have put it there. My bad. Oh, wait, I'm omni powerful and omniscient. I don't make mistakes. I must have put it there just to fuck with them.



6. Thou shalt not kill. (Read: Don't take it upon yourself to just start exterminating yourselves, that's my job.) Do as I say, not as I do. I'm your master and if I want to wipe out all civilization and start over I will. (Noah's Ark?) If I want your neighbor dead, I'll send down a lightning bolt. If I see a city as evil, I will destroy it myself by raining fire and brimstone (known to scientists as meteors) down upon it. I did it to Sodom and Gomorrah and I'll do it again when the notion strikes me. But keep your hands out of it unless I tell you to wage holy wars and crusades and inquisitions and manifest destinies in my name.



7. Thou shalt not steal. (Read: Get your own damned stuff don't take mine.) Does this count extortion? I mean, does, "You will give me 10% of everything you produce because I demand it" count? No, of course not. I created you and you owe me for that. Well, that Big Bang theory and Evolution are all bullshit. Look, did I say anything in the bible about creating enormous lizards that lived here for millions of years? No, I didn't so they never existed. I created this planet with those fossils already in it just to fuck with you.


7, 9 & 10 To protect the men who weren't men enough to protect themselves.


8. Thou shalt not commit adultery. (Read: Leave my wife alone. Go get your own) I don't want my wife to find out I'm no good in bed, because then she'll dump me like a bag of puke and I won't be able to get any for years. Besides we don't want the women thinking they have any sort of power, they'll take over and ruin everything. We need to keep them in a subservient role.



9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor. (Read: Mind your own business.) Personally I like this one. But for what it really says, not the reason it was added. What it's really saying is that if it does not concern you it's none of your fucking business and you should keep your nose out of it. You have enough problems of your own to deal with. The reason it was added was: "Now I wrote these commandments to keep you in control, but I am above them so I don't want you seeing that I'm doing what I told you not to and telling everyone. They would get the wrong idea and the rest of the laws would be worthless. So if you tell on me, I'm gonna say you're lying, point to this law and have your tongue cut out. Your wife says you don't know how to use your tongue properly anyway.



10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbor's. (Read: Don't be eyeing my shit. If you could afford the shit I have, you'd have it. So don't even look.) Because if you see how I tricked you out of everything good and you decide you deserve it more, then you might break commandments 6,7,8 and 9. And where would that leave me? Fucked in the ass, that's where.

And yet there are those who still believe in this god and are so devoted to him. And the only explanation I have for intelligent people believing in this is that they rather believe it than believe they are stupid enough to have fallen for it.

Now go forth and sin more. I mean sing no more. No, I mean SIN no more. Yeah, that's it. Sin no more. That's the ticket. Yeah.