The Living End

I beg to differ with the heading of this section, "The Butt, and Nothing But." Oh, I'm not lobbying to change the wording; however, I consider "butt" a dull name for that intriguing seat of eroticism.

I confess my bias. I'm speaking from the viewpoint of a heterosexual male watching the south end of a northbound woman.

Other men, and women who admire female posteriors, may scoff at my preferences. Who knows? Maybe somebody dislikes the word "derriere" and prefers "crup"—the rump of a horse. (God, I hope not!)

Moreover, a heterosexual woman or a gay man may use their own pet names for a man's behind. I can imagine a woman saying her stud muffin has cute little buns.

I'm just expressing my views on The Living End and hope others will offer their counterpoints.

Physically, a "butt" is the same as a "derriere." To me, though, a butt is neuter and devoid of erotic appeal—a functional part of our bodies that we sit on and use to eliminate waste. Or to coin a phrase, "Opinions are like a certain part of our anatomy: Everybody's got one."

A derriere, on the other hand (or both hands if those cheeks are as lovely as the sound of that beautiful French positional denotation), is thoroughly feminine and sexy with more than a touch of class, which rhymes with...but we'll get to that in a moment.

Butt belongs to a mundane list including buttocks, backside, and behind, and deteriorates into downright silliness when we add buns, arse, fanny, and bum.

I recall these lines from M*A*S*H:

"Have you always been such a bum doctor?"

"I wanted to, but the proctology class was full."

Although "arse" sounds quaint to American ears, our corruption of the term—"ass"—throbs with erotic allure. "Ass" reverberates in "a piece of ass"—a colloquialism for intercourse. Ironically, even though "fanny" is a British euphemism for the vagina, in the U.S. "fanny" remains a whimsical name for the rear end—something a third-grader might say with a giggle.

Other descriptions mildly trivialize The Living End—booty, caboose, or taillights—while still other words simply identify the fanny with a hint of humor: tuckus, tush, behonkus (also a synonym for "butthead"), keister, and cheeks.

Citing M*A*S*H again: A slow moving Jeep softly hits the chaplain's rump while he's walking through the camp. A bystander observes, "Shouldn't you turn the other cheek?"

Despite the M*A*S*H joke, cheeks can be sensual in the right context. But the term, plural or singular, remains basically asexual.

At the other end of the spectrum, some synonyms for The Living End sound stuffy: hindquarters, haunches, and gluteus maximus—though the last phrase lends itself to a dry, over-the-top insult: "Osculate my gluteus maximus!" No spoiler alert: Just look it up.

I must admit my ambivalence about two terms for our personal nether-lands: badonkadonk and heinie.

"Badonkadonk" usually sounds demeaning. But occasionally diet, exercise, and genes shape an ample woman's posterior so beautifully it commands praise, if not worship. And badonkadonk is the only adequate description for such a spectacular ass.

The size of a badonkadonk is subjective. David Letterman once said Jennifer Lopez had a very large derriere. Ms. Lopez's posterior is aesthetically pleasing—but nowhere near badonkadonk size.

Off the top of my head, I can't name a famous woman with a badonkadonk—though I've seen one or two who surpass those dimensions. On a smaller stage, "Fetish Wife" at the web site girdlequeen.net, displays at least one classic badonkadonk shot. (Despite the name of the site, she poses in profile wearing a latex dress, not a girdle.)

"Heinie" sounds like a childish reference, but when a grown woman mentions her heinie, she seemingly hints at a naughty treat.

There's no ambiguity, however, in ass, tail, and rump. They're earthy ways to cut to the nitty-gritty of heated sex. Ass is impolite, but saying the word, much less viewing the object, quickly elevates a man's temperature.

"Tail" suggests avian qualities, perhaps innocence. No wonder one British slang word for a girl is "bird."

"Rump" is usually a polite way of saying "ass" but exerts its own erotic pull. In a made-for-TV movie, Jane Alexander's character patted herself on the ass and boasted, "This is prime rump!" What a turn-on!

Finally, we should reserve some terms for a deity, or at least a goddess-in-training: Derriere, stern, and callipyge. The last noun is usually found in the adjective form, "callipygian," meaning "having a beautiful ass" (or "buttocks"—and I've expressed my opinion of that word.)

The sound of a word is important, too. Callipygian and callipyge refer to a Roman goddess whose, um, followers worshipped well-reared women, but those words lack a sexy ring. Callipygian makes me think of a pigeon. (So, we're back to "birds" again, old chap.)

Maybe there's a reason why the Callipygian Venus is less famous than her goddess-sister, Venus de Milo: her less-elegant name does not flow trippingly from the tongue.

To me, "derriere" connotes that classic, aesthetic inverted-valentine shape, wiggling enough to entice all viewers, yet firm enough to dispel any notion of excess flesh. The word, as so many French words do, strikes a sophisticated note. A derriere is best wrapped in close-fitting silk, satin, ciré, latex, leather, or some other shiny material.

A "stern" reflects the majesty—though not the size!—of a ship. The self-confident woman, who proudly exhibits her stern, plows through the choppy seas of life, autocratically ruling all who follow in her wake.

Not surprisingly, the title of one of my novels-in-progress is Mrs. Stern Disposes.

So, although "butt" and "derriere" refer to the same dual mounds of flesh, they are most-decidedly distinct concepts. Anyone, male or female, can have a butt. But only a lady with a totally classy chassis can have a derriere.

Vive la difference!