The Long Road Back Ch. 07

True to my word, I showered , dressed and was waiting downstairs when Hawk brought John home. I totally ignored Hawk but gathered John into my arms crying and holding him and telling him how much I loved him. The last three days, I barely let John out of my sight. The only time I relinquished him was when Hawk was there and then I would back away.

I knew I needed to be with my son but my feelings for Hawk were still unsure. I could see the haunted look in his eyes everytime he looked at me. I wanted to take that pain away. I wanted to tell him I loved him, but I couldn't. Not when I was so unsure of myself. So instead I would turn away, move to the opposite side of the room and watch him interact with John from a distance.

This morning as I stood there with my hand on the door handle to the bathroom I knew I had to talk to him. I had to give him some kind of explanation. Some kind of decision. Were we going to be together? If not, were we just going to share John? There were so many questions I didn't have answers to. Not yet. That was why I needed to get away, I needed to sort out in my mind just where I belonged.

I turned to see mom and John standing in the doorway. "I will talk to him. I will. I just need some time to myself first, I need to know what I am feeling. I need to have some questions answered and I'm the only one who can answer them." I pleaded with my eyes for her to understand.

Mom just nodded. "I'll talk to him." Then she led John out of the room closing the door behind her.

When I arrived downstairs a little while later, John, Hawk, Jeff and mom were sitting in the living room. John was showing Hawk a new toy train I had gotten him yesterday. "That is great son." He said ruffling John's hair.

Then suddenly it was like he knew I was in the room cause his eyes met mine. He looked like he wanted to jump up and come to me but at a shake of her head from mom, he stayed where he was.

I tore my eyes from his and walked over to John. "You be good boy for your dad and grandma and grandpa okay?" I asked hugging him.

"I will mommy." He pulled away from me and wiped a tear from my cheek. "Don't cry mommy, daddy and grandma and grandpa all love you. Everything will be okay."

I couldn't help it, I smiled, how had this young four year old little boy seen through me so well. "I know honey, mommy just needs to work something out. I'll be okay, I promise." I hugged him to me making sure not to look at Hawk.

"I love you mommy." He said softly.

"I love you to sweetheart. I'll be back in a little while." I kissed his cheek, then stood up, hurrying towards the door. I stopped at the door half expecting Hawk to follow me. When he didn't arrive behind me after a few minutes I opened the door, then walked out of the house and didn't look back.

***

Two hours later, I parked my car at the top of Widow's peak. It was a look out area that a lot of teenagers used to make out without their parents knowing about it. As I got out of the car, I was glad to see the place was deserted. Closing the door, I moved over to a brick wall that was low enough to sit on so you could look out over the city.

I sat down on the wall but I wasn't paying attention to the city before me. My thoughts were turned inward. What was I doing? Did I belong here anymore? Where did Hawk belong in my life? Did I deserve to have Hawk in my life? The questions just seemed to fly at me over and over until I wanted to scream.

Finally I forced myself to acknowledge one question at a time. "What was I doing?" Well for starters I was sitting on a wall looking over the city feeling sorry for myself.

I laughed sourly. Okay not exactly the answer I was looking for. I was 24 years old, I had recently been widowed, I had a four year old son to take care of and I had a degree in Psychology. Okay got that much. "Well I could probably find a job." I said out loud to no one in particular. "That way I could support John and I and get us out of my mom's house."

Okay that much was settled. That brought up question number 2. "Where did I belong?" As I sat there on the wall I thought to myself that I had three choices. I could go back to LA, I could stay here, or I could take John and just go somewhere, where no one knew me and start over.

Right off the bat, I vetoed going back to LA. As much as I cared about Nancy and Andrew, I knew I could never go back there. Not only was Danny's father there but everywhere I went I saw his face. Okay that left either staying here or going off somewhere else.

I skipped over staying here for the moment and thought about going somewhere else. "I could do that." I said once again out loud as if the sound of my own voice would help me understand my thoughts a bit better. "I could move to Oregon or Washington or even Nevada." I wrinkled my nose. "No not Nevada. To much gambling. But Oregon or Washington wouldn't be bad." I thought about that, thinking about all the good points. I could start over, where no one knew me, where no one knew my past. I convinced myself that that was the best course of action. I started to stand up to head back home to tell everyone of my decision when I suddenly sat back down on the wall again.

"Can I leave my family again so soon after finding them? Can I really take John away from his grandparents and aunt and uncle. Not to mention the cousin he has on the way." I looked out over the city not really seeing it. "Can I take him away from his father? Take him away from Hawk...again?"

That brought Hawk's face to my mind. His crooked smile, his sea green eyes that would light up with laughter or love. I knew the answer to that question even before I said it out loud. "No...I can't do that to him. I can't take his son away from him again."

But could I stay here? I didn't know. What if I just left. I gave custody of John to Hawk and I went away and started over? Violently I shook my head. "No...I can't just walk away from my child. I need him as much as he needs me."

Well whether I liked it or not the answer had been made for me. I would stay in Sacramento. That way Hawk could see his son and John could be close to his grandparents and Robert. It didn't matter if I belonged here or not anymore. This is where I would stay.

Once that decision was made, Hawk's face flashed into my mind again. I could hear his words in my mind. Hear him asking me to move in with him. To not leave him again. Was I ready to move in with Hawk? Was I ready to put my faith and heart into another relationship? I didn't know the answer to that question.

Although that did bring up my next question. Where did Hawk fit in my life? He was the father of my child. That much would never change. But he could be a part of John's life without being a part of mine.

That brought up yet another question. Did I want Hawk in my life? The answer to that one was easy. "YES!" But where in my life did he fit? Did I want him as a friend, lover, husband? My mind seemed to stop at that point. Husband? Where had that thought come from? I mean it wasn't like Hawk had asked me to marry him. Although if he had would I have been able to say yes? Would I be able to take that long walk again? Another question I didn't know the answer to.

I sighed holding my head in my hands. "Why does life have to be so complicated?" I asked out loud. I sure wasn't expecting an answer.

"I don't know Crystal. I wish I could answer that for you. Unfortunately I can't even answer it for myself."

I looked up to see Hawk walking towards me. His motorcycle was parked next to my car. I had been so engrossed in my thoughts I had never heard him pull up.

"How did you know where I was?"

He stopped a couple of feet from me, then sat down on the wall his eyes never leaving mine. "Your mom, she told me that sometimes when you were a teenager after you got your license you would come up here to think." He chuckled. "I guess she followed you one day."

I nodded looking everywhere but at him. "I didn't know that." I looked back over the city. "This place gets pretty crowded at night, especially on the weekends. But it is usually quiet during the day."

"A good place to think?"

I turned to look at him. He still had that haunted look in his eyes. "Yes, a good place to think."

He reached out his hand as if he wanted to touch me, then thought better of it, letting his hand fall to his side. "Crystal, talk to me, please. Tell me what you are running from?"

I searched his eyes. How could he know me so well, if you took the two days we saw each other in LA and added the time we had known each other since I came back, we had only known each other a little under a month. But it was like he knew my very soul.

A sudden shiver ran up my spine although I wasn't cold. "I don't know..." I stood up, walked over to my car, then moved back to the wall. Sitting back down I turned back to him. "You...them..." I pointed out at no one. "Myself....I don't know what I am running from."

Hawk moved closer to me. Not much, but enough for my body to tingle with the awareness of him. "Why are you running from me? I won't hurt you?"

I looked down at my hands in my lap. I wanted to back away from him. Put as much distance between us as I could. But I couldn't move. I couldn't make my body move. "I know you won't hurt me. It's not that I'm worried about." I looked up at him. "I'm worried about me hurting you."

He reached out his hand to me, but when I flinched he pulled back. "You can't hurt me anymore then you already have, Crystal. Even if you walked out of my life right now, I could never be more hurt then I have been over the past two weeks with you ignoring me."

I pulled back as if he had slapped me. I didn't know what to say. I watched as tears welled up in his eyes and wanted to comfort him. But I didn't. I couldn't. I clenched my hands together in my lap to keep from reaching for him. "Why won't you love me Crystal?"

"I do love you."

He laughed sourly. "Okay, let me rephrase that. Why won't you let yourself love me? Why won't you let me love you?"

I looked over the city again, when I spoke my voice was low. If I didn't know it was me saying the words, I would have sworn they were being said by a stranger. I didn't even recognize my own voice. "I want to love you but I....I'm scared. I don't know where you fit in my life. Plus I am not sure that I deserve to love you." I looked at him, tears streaming down my cheeks. "I'm not sure I deserve your love."

It was as if his control had snapped. One minute Hawk just sat there staring at me, the next he was beside me pulling me into his arms. "As far as where I fit? Well, I will be wherever you want me to be. Your friend, your lover, your soul mate. But I will only take whatever you are willing to give." He kissed my hair. "As far as the other." He pulled back so he could look me in the eyes. "Of course you deserve to love me, of course you deserve my love. Why wouldn't you?"

I pulled away from him, struggling to get out of his arms but he just wrapped his arms more tightly around me holding me against him. I beat against his chest but he just held me. Finally I went limp against him unable to stop the flow of tears that moved down my cheeks. "It's my fault Danny died."

"What?"

I looked up at him. "It's my fault he died. If I hadn't slept with you and gotten pregnant with John, then our marriage wouldn't have fallen apart and he wouldn't have tried to drive home that night."

Hawk reached up, wiping a tear from my cheek. Without a word, he kissed me softly. "I'm not saying that what you and I did was right. It wasn't. I knew it then but I didn't care. I don't care now either. It is over, done with. Do you regret having John?"

"No, of course not, but..."

Hawk put his finger over my lips. "You can't know if that one mistake is what tore your marriage apart. Yes there is a strong possibility that it didn't help, but there is no way of knowing if you and I hadn't met if your marriage wouldn't have fallen apart in the end. I think Danny was looking for an escape and you gave it to him with me."

I looked at him, I wanted to believe so badly, I wanted to stop having nightmares, I wanted to believe I had a right to be happy. I wanted to stop feeling guilty. "I mean, look at it this way, he told you he would kill you if you ever cheated on him again, right?" I nodded as I shivered remembering the anger and fire in Danny's eyes that night. "But that didn't stop him from screwing his father's secretary. How do you know he wasn't screwing her before you found out you were pregnant?"

Everything Hawk said made sense and I felt like a weight was being lifted off my shoulders. The guilt was still there. It hadn't gone away completely, but at least the load seemed to be a little lighter.

Suddenly Hawk was kissing me, kissing me all over my face and neck, moving his hands over my body. He caressed my breasts through my shirt, I moaned and moved into him. I ran my hands all over him, his face, chest, down to the bulge in his jeans. Hawk just moaned.

"Say you love me Crystal. Say you will move in with me and let me prove to you how much I love you and how much you deserve to love me in return."

I couldn't think, I could only feel. When he pressed his lips tightly against mine again, I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him close. "Yes, Yes, I will move in with you Hawk."

He kissed me savagely, then moved his hands up under my shirt, pressing his hands against my bra enclosed breasts. When he moved one hand down and started to undo my jeans, I tensed up. I instantly saw Danny's face from that night.

I tore myself out of Hawk's arms, running over to the car. I knew that Hawk wanted me now, here, it didn't matter that we were outside where anyone could drive up. Or that we were by a wall looking over the city, he wanted me and was going to take me. I couldn't. I just couldn't.

I heard Hawk move up behind me, I tensed for a moment. I held my body stiff as he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close. I held myself still against him barely able to breathe until I realized he was just holding me. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." He kissed my ear.

I closed my eyes for a minute, then turned in his arms pasting a smile on my lips. "You did startle me in your exuberance." I wrapped my arms around his neck. "But that wasn't everything. This time when we make love I want it to be in a real bed and not on the hard ground."

Leaning down, he kissed me gently. "Your wish is my command my love."

As we stood there on that hilltop, just holding each other, I wondered to myself if I would ever be able to lay with another man again without seeing Danny's face or feeling the pain and fear.