The Love Affairs of Harmony Jones Ch. 06

Me [12:07 AM]: kallie i miss u

Me [12:09 AM]: i cant believe u just stopped talking 2 me

Me [12:23 AM]: if its abut that nite im sry

Me [12:49 AM]: txt me back

Me [01:15 AM]: we need 2 talk about thrs

Kallie [1:28 AM]: I'm sorry I haven't texted you. I think you are drunk because it's after midnight. This can wait.

Me [1:36 AM]: we need 2 taerlk tho

Kallie [1:47 AM]:Yeah we do. But not now. Later.

Kallie [1:52 AM]: I'll call you soon. We can meet.

Me [2:04 AM]: i went 2 still b frens

Kallie [2:18 AM]: We are friends. No matter what, you are my friend.

Kallie [2:19 AM]: But I can't do this right now.

Kallie [2:21 AM]: I need time to figure out my shit. Go to bed.

Me [2:32 AM]: I love you grill

I heard nothing back from her until the next morning when I checked my messages. I ended up watching infomercials on television until I passed out. I woke up around seven AM with a headache and dry mouth. I checked my texts, there was just one.

Kallie [5:48 AM]: i fuckin hate u fuckin stupid ass bitch dont u eva fuckin txt me or call me or contact my ass again nasty ass dyke whore leave me alone dont try 2 txt me back or i call fuckin cops on you 4 harasmet

I didn't understand it. I didn't know why she would react this way. We'd been saying we loved each other since a few months after we became friends. I never meant for a second that I loved her in a romantic way, but since she was my friend I naturally did love her very much. Yes, I had a crush on her and yes, we did sleep together, but I did not love her enough to make a life with her like with Boyd. I loved her as a friend. I thought and thought for a long time about the text, just holding my phone and my mouth open wide in surprise. I stared at the screen of my phone for a long time, until finally it began to swim before me, blurred by tears. I wondered why her text speech was so different, so angry, from what I was used to. I thought maybe her bad grammar and spelling mistakes were from typing fast from anger.

I felt so guilty for dragging her into my way of life. I could not bear it. I laid back down on the couch and cried into a beaded throw pillow. The beads scratched my face and left indentations in my skin. I pressed it even harder to my face and screamed into it as loud as I could. I screamed as if I was being murdered. But no one could hear me. I sobbed and screamed until there was nothing left of me. Until I was too tired and my throat hurt too much to do anything more.

My head hurt so bad from my hangover and crying. Thinking of Kallie's reaction and imagining her before me calling me horrible names, I felt a strange sick heat taking over my body. My skin flushed, my mouth began to salivate, I knew I was going to puke.

I ran to the bathroom and threw up everything I'd eaten the night before and a ton of wine. The smell of the acidic wine with the regurgitated cheese, figs, and bread made me more sick. I threw up more and more for what seemed like at least an hour, but it was more like twenty minutes. I cried harder than I had in years. I cried so hard that I lost a contact lens down the toilet. It fell out and landed on my cheek, and the force of my dry heaves made it fall off my cheek and into the toilet on top of a piece of fig. I flushed the toilet to keep myself from smelling the mess and starting again. I had nothing left to vomit and didn't want the dry heaves to come back. I was to exhausted to get up. I laid my head on the cold and somewhat slimy toilet seat, crying softly, tears rolling down. I passed out soon after.

I woke up not long after noon. I was in the floor with my head on the bathmat, the imprint of the fuzzy material pressed into my red cheek. I was clammy all over and covered in a cold sweat. I remembered with dread that I was supposed to meet Boyd at six PM at his house, then we were going to go over to Alissa's to get our costumes, and then back to Boyd's to get ready for the party. We planned to arrive at Valhalla around eleven PM.

I was no longer feeling sick or hungover. I felt more sober and clear headed than I had felt in a long time. Empty, but sharp. I suddenly felt as as if I'd been sleeping, wrapped in warm blankets, for the last couple of months and suddenly I was tossed into an icy lake. I had emerged, fully awake and lucid. For the first time I started having doubts about Boyd's commitment, my commitment, and the party.

As I cleaned vomit from the floor and toilet, I considered calling Boyd and telling him I wasn't going to the party. I tried to think of an excuse which would be good enough. I thought of telling him about the vomitting and lying to him about it. Maybe I could tell him I ate bad figs and had food poisoning? But he would know I was lying. I would know I was lying. I decided the best thing to do would be to at least keep my word. I didn't want to ruin his career. I didn't want to ruin our relationship, or destroy his faith in me.

I showered, taking my time to clean my face and hair really well. I put my iPod on a speaker in my room and turned the volume up as high as it would go. I had a playlist of spa sounds and white noise which I selected. I needed some noise to keep Kallie out of my head. I brushed my teeth carefully, flossed, scraped my tongue, and rinsed and re-rinsed with mouthwash. After throwing up I was desperate to get the taste of wine out of my mouth. I used a neti pot to make sure everything was out of my nose too, and then washed my face one more time. Throwing up always made me feel so dirty.

Wearing only a towel, I made my way to the kitchen. I tried to eat. I tried toast, oatmeal, a smoothie, cold cereal, an apple, a banana, but everything turned my stomach. I nibbled a saltine as I applied lotion and face moisturizer, then tossed my damp hair into a topknot. I finished the saltine and then threw on some yoga pants, a bra, a tee shirt, and flip flops. I didn't want to be inside my own head or inside my own apartment. I wanted to go out for food and distraction. I decided to walk because I didn't feel comfortable driving since I felt so weak and lightheaded. I was downtown already and knew if I walked a mile or two down the road, I'd hit some restaurants. I put on some sunglasses and grabbed my purse, then headed out the door.

I didn't want to spend much money so I thought I'd hit Weekday Cafe, famous among GSU students for large portions of cheap but tasty food. I knew I'd get friendly and cheerful service and be surrounded with other people my age, absorbed in their own worlds. I didn't really want to talk to anyone.

I headed South, passing rows of apartment homes and cars parked on the street. Every so often a jogger or mother pushing a stroller would go by me. The sky was very sunny, but with a few fluffy clouds. The weather was warm for springtime, but I still wished I'd brought along a hoodie or something. I felt chilly and weak, my blood sugar was very low. I knew I'd start shaking and beginning to black out if I didn't eat soon.

As I walked I could see the tall buildings of the business district in the distance and hear sirens and cars. I kept my purse and keys clutched tightly to me. It was broad daylight and I knew I was not likely to get mugged or worse, but I was still a little nervous, even after living in Atlanta for years and regularly walking around on errands or jogging. My anxiety did not help my stomach and I started to feel even weaker. I worried about a return of nausea and I walked even faster.

I made it down Peachtree Street and Edgewood Ave without getting hit by a car, traffic wasn't too bad, and was now surrounded by tall buildings. Suddenly I felt safe and anonymous. There were people everywhere. I headed down Park Place South and found Weekday Cafe snuggled between a shoe repair shop and a pizza place. The pizza place was already open. I could smell the yeast from the dough and hot pepperoni. Weekday Cafe was open too, and I smiled at the red neon sign which said simply, 'BURGER'.

I opened the door to the cafe and was greeted with smiles from the staff, but none of the customers looked up. It was just after lunchtime and almost every seat was taken by a student with a laptop, or a businessman or woman with a laptop. As I inhaled the many lunchtime scents in the air (hot greasy meat, American cheese, toasted bread, and cheap butter) and I was instantly ready to eat. My nausea disappeared and I was left with aching, desperate hunger.

I stepped up to the counter with a false smile. A very round bald man in a clean, white button-up shirt and pressed black pants was behind the counter. He was always there. "What can I get feryew Darlin'?"

"Is there any way at all that I can get some breakfast? I know ya'll stopped serving at 11, but..." I smiled as nicely as I could and did my 'sad eyes'.

"Well, Darlin'... ah... I guess so. We still got some grits back there and some bacon. Wha'chu want?"

"Can I please have the... um..." I took a moment to decide, glancing at the menu for less than thirty seconds. "The breakfast platter."

"How you want the eggs?"

"Soft scrambled please."

"We ain't got no more tater tots so you'll have to have grits. That okay?"

"Yes, that's fine. Can I please add two slices of cheese to that?"

"Yep but its thirty-five cents extree per slice. That okay?" I just nodded yes. "Alright what meat you want? We still got some ham and bacon but no sawsedge."

"I'll have bacon please."

"White or wheat toast?"

"Wheat please."

"Alrighty then, Darlin'. Your order'll be up soon." He scribbled down what I wanted on a ticket and handed it back through a window to the cook. "What you want to drink?"

"Can I please have a bottle of water and a cup of coffee?"

"Creamnsugar?"

"Yes, please."

"That's gonna be seven fifty-nine." I gave him my debit card with a smile. After I added a two dollar tip and signed the card slip, he smiled and said, "Alrighty then, Darlin' I'll have it to your table in jestaminute. You gohead and siddown and I'll bring it right out to you."

"Thank you so much."

"S'alright." He shooed me off with a pudgy hand toward the tables.

I turned and looked around and found a tiny, filthy table in the back near the restrooms and sat down. The round man brought my coffee and water with a handful of creamers and a few packets of sugar, and gave me four of five napkins with a spoon, fork, and knife. I only waited eight or nine minutes on my food, which didn't give me much time to descend back inside my head.

My two slices of cheese were glistening with condensation from the steam off the grits, but stubbornly not melting completely until I stirred them in. Alongside my toast was about half a tablespoon of butter in a plastic package, and a tiny tin containing about a tablespoon and half of blackberry preserves with a foil peel off lid. The bacon looked sad, sort of wilted, and was mostly fat. I crumbled it up as best I could and stirred into my grits. My eggs were very hard scrambled, not soft, but I didn't care. Eggs taste nasty if left on a plate for too long, so I ate those first with a sprinkling of black pepper. Eggs on an empty stomach was not a good idea. Once I swallowed my last bite I felt sick. I chugged down almost half the bottle of water, and started on the grits. This went down much easier. I'd been eating cheese grits since I was a little girl, and loved them with bacon. All this greasy comfort food was beginning to relax me. I was feeling much better already. Once the grits we gone I nibbled the toast, but I was pretty full. I sipped my coffee, which was disgusting, and finished the water. Before leaving I left two more dollars on the table because I was so out of it that I'd forgotten I'd already left a tip on my card. That icy lucidity from earlier was gone. Now I was just tired, irritable, and my brain felt full of fog.

I decided I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to face myself yet. On a whim I began to walk down to Marietta Street and I stayed on that road for a couple of miles. I walked slowly down the sidewalk, people watching and making up stories in my head about the strangers I saw. Anything to keep from thinking about my own life, my own story. I passed a lot of newstands and places to buy lottery tickets, some pawn shops, a post office, and a ton of hole in the wall cafes. There were parking garages and banks everywhere too. I lost myself in the sunshine on the pavement, the slapping of my flip flops on the ground, the voices of strangers, and the whooshing of cars passing. I walked for a little over an hour before I reached Howell Mill Road. As I got closer the skyline opened up a bit and I could see beyond the buildings. I was hungry again from walking. I stopped in West Egg Cafe and grabbed a Turkey Bacon Gouda sandwich, a grilled chicken salad, and an order of fried green tomatoes to go. Then I decided to was time to head back to my apartment. I needed to walk back home and pack my things to take with me to Boyd's. It took me about forty five minutes to get back. By the time I got in I had eaten the sandwich and almost all the fried tomatoes.

It was almost 5 and I was supposed to meet Boyd at 6 at his place, and he lived about 30 minutes away from me. So I changed into some jeans and a tee shirt, brushed my teeth and threw some stuff in a bag. I grabbed makeup, a change of casual clothes, a fancy clutch for the party and gold strappy sandals. I took some fruit from the fridge and my salad, got in my car, and headed to Boyd's.

After my short mental break that afternoon, I felt ready. I was ready to do what I needed to do. I was ready to whore myself out if that's what it took to win Boyd's love. I tried to tell myself that it was an admirable quality to sacrifice for love. I told myself I was doing whatever it took. I told myself a lot of things to keep me going, but I wish I'd told myself to stay out of trouble.