The Missionary's Position

The group remained quiet, looking at Lucas thoughtfully.

"Holy shit! What the fuck, dude?" One of the women cried out.

"Yeah... why the fuck tell us about this Jesus dude if all He did was die? So what if He was born all miraculous and shit? What's that matter if He died?"

Lucas smiled—this was the part he'd been waiting for.

"Easy—Jesus rose from the dead!"

Everyone was looking at Lucas wide eyed again. This was great. Better than he could have hoped for, actually. All these people were listening to him, actually interested in Jesus! And he was helping them find Him!

"Bro. I did not know this was turning into a fucking zombie story dude."

"What the—!" Lucas jumped back a little.

"Yeah, Jesus's deformed flesh coming out into the world! Probably about to eat and infect everyone! Somebody needs to stop him!"

"That's why he was born from a virgin, ya'll! He was never really human to begin with."

The group gasped.

"No... no! NO!" Lucas stood up, waving his Bible about. "No! Guys, Jesus... Jesus wasn't a zombie. He—He had a resurrected body that looked awesome, but He didn't look like a zombie!"

"...oh."

One woman thought about it for a moment. "An awesome looking resurrected body, huh? I don't think I've ever fucked a man who died and came back to life before."

"NO!" Lucas felt his face grow red. His erection was totally gone now, and yet... it came back, just a little, from being shown to everyone for the first time, even though his underpants. "Look, everyone! Jesus... Jesus died and came back for your sins! Everything you've ever done wrong in your life, He paid for! You don't have to die and go to hell! If you believe in Him, you're alright! But you can't say all this stupid stuff about Him!"

Everyone looked around at each other, and then back at the frustrated Lucas. Lucas had his face in his hands, as if he were about to start crying.

There was a silence as Lucas sniffled, his body working against him as his penis continued to poke out.

Suddenly a woman came forward, and touched his shoulder. "Hey... hey, now, hey..." She hugged him, her rounded boobs against his backside. His erection was pretty full now, despite the fact that she was the same girl who was wearing a large strap on. Their dicks were touching, but he appreciated the effort.

"Well... look... we're sorry!" Another girl came around him, and hugged his front. She had no strap on. Then another girl came to his side. And another. Then a man came. And before he knew it, Lucas had a bunch of naked people around him, trying to hug him and comfort him. It was like another orgy, but instead it was just a hug orgy.

And another orgy was happening in the room. He felt everyone trying to listen, and be kind to him, and it was like a love orgy. He had never been so happy to be the center of a big, naked orgy.

Then he realized something else. This was the way Jesus must have wanted it to be, all along. An orgy. Sure, maybe not a naked one, Lucas realized, but all the people, connected to one another, trying to reach out and comfort and make others happy—that's what Jesus wanted. Churches are supposed to be orgies of the heart.

"Guys... would you... would any of you like to come to church with me? The others can explain better than I can, and you can accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior...?"

They backed off from hugging him. "You mean... right now?"

"Well, yeah, I mean... unless you want to—"

"We were going to order a pizza and then come back here and keep fucking each other's brains out."

"Do you... well then." Lucas stood up, gathering his clothes. "You... you do that. Here is the church's business card... here is your complimentary Bible, please do not get any—" one man picked it up, a dildo in his other hand, "—sex toys on it. Never mind. Just... show up to church Sunday, please?"

"...sure." They smiled at him.

He left them, and went back to his car. He thought he'd done enough missionary work for today. He wondered if he'd left an impact on them. Had they had really been interested, or had they just been pretending to be? He went home, feeling a bit depressed. He prayed that God would help them, but some people, he figured, just didn't want to be helped.

The next morning he woke up early, ate his bowl of cereal, got dressed and headed over to church. He sat down in the front pew, tired but ready to be refreshed by a good sermon.

There was a shuffling from behind him. He looked around. There they were—and they were early! They could be dressed to show a little less... skin, but at least they weren't naked anymore! Although one woman's strap on did bulge from her pants a little.

"You... you're here." He said, surprised.

"Yes! We are ready to learn more about this Jesus guy! I mean, if He really died for us... we want to know more, yea?"

Lucas smiled.

"And then maybe in heaven we can have even bigger orgies!"

And then it was gone.

Lucas thought to himself for a while, about what he learned about orgies from them. "Sure... great, big orgies! Better than any you've ever had!"

"Ooooh, I hope they have really strong vibrators that really pound the snootch in heaven!"

He sighed. Vibrators that pounded the snootch. But instead of vibrators, it was love. And instead of a snootch, it was your spirit. Close enough, he supposed, and he grinned at them.

He decided, right then and there, that they could use their vibrators to pound his snootch any day.